The smoke signals billowing from my Saturday morning window are calls for help I feel I don't deserve to ask for. But I am selfish and weak. An broken attention ***** who hurts in the guise of helping. If you don't understand why I hate myself you don't really know me. Even this is a selfish cry for appreciation bc I am too selfish and weak and I am afraid I will never change.

***** and Quims should be worshiped.

For whichever you have, dictates how the rest of your life shall be.

To those who biologically have both, how like gods you seem to me.

To those who spiritually have both, what cursed and barren, in-between lands stock we.

Something is at war inside of me

Someone said to me
Unless you are
Tired
Stressed
or overworked

And I wanted to say
You just described
My average day

And I was afraid to say it

Afraid not to say it

Afraid I would be a downer if I said that

Afraid I would seem holier than thou if I didn't

Afraid that if I didn't say it I would seem like I was left out of
Or too good for
Our culture

And then I wondered

How did we get here

That they way to fit in
In our culture

Is to be tired, stressed and overworked

And how ****** that is

My family came from Pfolzheim too
I have grown up
with so much shame
for being German
at all
This is what I have struggled with
since Trump got elected
For me I saw quickly through
the thin smoke
what he was all about
That a vote for him was akin to me
of wearing a **** uniform
daily
proudly
publicly
It's not that I hate anyone
It's that in the raw recentness of
MY family history
was instilled in me to know
to FEAR
those attitudes
as though my life depended on it
As it so easily might
Again
So soon
So ******* soon
I fear we have learned nothing

I kiss you
All over
Your entire skin
All the places you hide
From the world
From yourself
I kiss you
not lightly
But hard and deep
So you feel my energy
Go into you
Glowing
With pure golden love
Knowing
That what I feel
Is real
And that you
Must see
Yourself in the way
that I do
And love and know
Yourself
And the magic
And the miracle
And the pleasure
And the treasure
That is you

Listening to a song sung by a dead man
That reminds me
of my father, longer dead
I know the lyrics better now
Feel them more deeply
Understand them with
wisdom of more years
More life lived
behind me
Than when I first heard this song
and thought of him
20 years ago

Almost a year gone by
A lifetime good and long
Lived till tired
But oh
Too short
I miss you so
Old friend
You sat with me
In darkness
And in joy
What I wouldn't do
To see you again
I put your ashes
Today
In with the rose
I got for you
I don't care
If talking to it
Makes me crazy
I hope you can
Hear me
I won't say
Goodbye
Instead
I hope we meet again
Friend

I feel relaxed
I can breathe
Every cell in my body has stopped being
agitated
afraid
in a constant state of
hope
fear
loss
I feel calm
I don't know if I have
ever
felt this calm
Nothing matters now
because every single thing
that ever can be
is okay
It's beautiful
It's glorious
I want to get used to this feeling

The joining
of your soul to mine
You feel it
My heartbeat
Through your lips
My breath
Swirls
Like painting light
Across your body
Fingertips
Tracing bliss
Of knowing
You are mine
Of mixing
Blessing
With desire
Of sacred acts
Older than memory
Of feeling
Your soul
Blend and curl
Under your skin
Letting me in
Meet me
In the place
we both know
is Home
Where I
Belong to you
With names
I cannot remember
My aching heart
Longs to surrender
To everything
Without fear
Meet me here

Am I supposed to
Beg you to be happy
in a cage

It feels like we
always have to be
this soup of love
trust
contentment
lust
fear and shame

It makes me tired
I would rather be tired than be without
That thought puts steel in my back
calm in my heart
Anything is better than
nothing
Fear of loss is better than loss itself

But I would like a day
a week
a month
a year without fear
But then that's not life

Life
I am grateful for you
Even when you chase me down
like a hare before hounds
Even when no tree is dense enough
No place safe
quiet enough

At least I am breathing
It has to be enough

My mind is a sea
of what ifs
and never agains
I want to scream
and scream
and scream
But I am afraid
that if I start...
... let it out...
I will never stop

Was it worth my life
Those few moments of pure real happiness
Yes
But the reason there was a risk
Seems so stupid to me
Why couldn't you just have
Used your imagination
But you couldn't
And so it is
So it was
Worth it
But I wish it had been different
I wish so much
I want a long and
Healthy life
Full of moments of pure
Happiness
With you
But I am scared now

You are both the candle

burning in the back of my mind

gently illuminating my every thought

your soft glow always guiding me home

and the roaring bonfire

whose heat and light

are a beacon for miles around

drawing me irrevocably to you

your pulse and energy

burn with a primal force

that makes my blood sing

and flames me to life

My whole self offered up.
Raw.
Like a sacrifice on an ancient stone altar.
The oldest and most pure ritual in the world,
of one human soul putting itself completely in the hands of another.
Surrender.
You take me as I am.
As I was.
As I will be.
You have made me yours and I will stop at nothing to bring you peace, happiness, contentment...
anything you ever desire.
This is my purpose.
The answer to all of my whys.
The quiet place that was always...
Home.

I felt in my bones
accepted and seen
I felt picked up
Cherished
Loved
"You are mine."
Not a question
Not a comand
A statement of fact
A release of such pent up fear and frustration
My body shook with it
And I was one with the Earth
One with Him
And all was
Finally
Finally
Right

Missing all the 2 AM chats
about All the Things,
the this and thats.
You were always awake too.
Ready to share,
ready to care.
Ready to tell a story or two.
You drank in kindness,
with every black cup.
To the world's darkness,
you had blindness,
always... looking up.
Grandma, how can it be,
that you WERE?
How can you be,
not here with me?
You miss us all,
I am sure.
We miss you too.
In all the little things we do,
all the times we show how to care.
All those times...
You are there.
Never again...
Cannot be real.
My heart cannot begin,
To accept that deal.
I will laugh and cry and love,
with you.
Either here,
or above.
Do not forsake me,
in my Pagan ways.
Light my path,
these earthly days.
For to live, and laugh, and toil, and love,
with your whole heart,
I have heard...
is what makes a good life.
A good wife.
A soul well lived and learned.
But just in case,
Can you put in a good word?
For I cannot bear
to exisit in a world,
With you never again there.