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Something is at war inside of me

Someone said to me
Unless you are
Tired
Stressed
or overworked

And I wanted to say
You just described
My average day

And I was afraid to say it

Afraid not to say it

Afraid I would be a downer if I said that

Afraid I would seem holier than thou if I didn't

Afraid that if I didn't say it I would seem like I was left out of
Or too good for
Our culture

And then I wondered

How did we get here

That they way to fit in
In our culture

Is to be tired, stressed and overworked

And how ****** that is
Fox
I am half wild
A creature in between
Soft and inviting
Only sometimes seen
Feral and free
At home in the green
Drinking clear water
Pure crystal and clean
Do not seek to tame me
Though I seem serene
I walk in both worlds
My senses keen
My family came from Pfolzheim too
I have grown up
with so much shame
for being German
at all
This is what I have struggled with
since Trump got elected
For me I saw quickly through
the thin smoke
what he was all about
That a vote for him was akin to me
of wearing a **** uniform
daily
proudly
publicly
It's not that I hate anyone
It's that in the raw recentness of
MY family history
was instilled in me to know
to FEAR
those attitudes
as though my life depended on it
As it so easily might
Again
So soon
So ******* soon
I fear we have learned nothing
I kiss you
All over
Your entire skin
All the places you hide
From the world
From yourself
I kiss you
not lightly
But hard and deep
So you feel my energy
Go into you
Glowing
With pure golden love
Knowing
That what I feel
Is real
And that you
Must see
Yourself in the way
that I do
And love and know
Yourself
And the magic
And the miracle
And the pleasure
And the treasure
That is you
Listening to a song sung by a dead man
That reminds me
of my father, longer dead
I know the lyrics better now
Feel them more deeply
Understand them with
wisdom of more years
More life lived
behind me
Than when I first heard this song
and thought of him
20 years ago
Almost a year gone by
A lifetime good and long
Lived till tired
But oh
Too short
I miss you so
Old friend
You sat with me
In darkness
And in joy
What I wouldn't do
To see you again
I put your ashes
Today
In with the rose
I got for you
I don't care
If talking to it
Makes me crazy
I hope you can
Hear me
I won't say
Goodbye
Instead
I hope we meet again
Friend
I feel relaxed
I can breathe
Every cell in my body has stopped being
agitated
afraid
in a constant state of
hope
fear
loss
I feel calm
I don't know if I have
ever
felt this calm
Nothing matters now
because every single thing
that ever can be
is okay
It's beautiful
It's glorious
I want to get used to this feeling
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