Their is a fig tree that is pierced within me
a seed that lays still in my throat
and with every waking hour it grows
creating bittersweet leaves that leave my heart sore
and vines that wrap around my lungs,
suffocating me whenever I ponder.
And yet I am still breathing,
but it still hurts in the process.
I try to call a doctor to my aid,
but they have no antidote for me aside from prayers.
I even went to a botanist for answers,
but they just shake their heads with a sorry look in their eyes.
So I tend to the tree myself,
learning to prune its anguish and nurture its growth.
I whisper to the roots lodged in my chest,
pleading for peace instead of pain.
And slowly, as seasons shift,
the leaves soften, their bitterness fading,
the vines loosen their merciless grip.
What once strangled becomes a sanctuary
a quiet grove within my being.
The fig tree no longer harms me;
it blooms.
Its fruit tastes of resilience,
sweetness born from struggle,
and I learn to savor what I once feared

Born beneath the fleeting sun
our feet capture the grasp of shadows
with only the little humanity we have left
we try to find hope
but we can’t even acquire a fragile hope at best
so for now we can only do a quiet prayer
for a sign of gratitude to ease our minds
the wind doesn’t whisper to our backs with gentle breaths
the stars won’t shine our direction to keep us at the right track
the earth’s soil is cold with rough edges underneath
and we only have tough road that we can climb
but it will try to weigh us down
no easy lines for us to go but rather trails filled with spirals
that lead to nowhere
the night does not grant us rain
but rather long nights to only see nothing in the sky
yet we are determined to stand
hoping to win the righteousness in a time of need
within the darkness a great inferno rises
a beautiful spark that burns when approached
we huddle around and chant songs of liberty
defying the constellations that look down with pity
our scars form maps with no traces of the truth
our hearts beat in the rhythm of drums
so loud that it makes our ears ring
the luck we have is not ours to hold in our palms
it is through the pain we learn to heal
with every step, we fight with our anguish, then strive with guilt
we look upon the people who have mercy on their side
their glided lives with easy tracks
the mixture of envy and jealousy fuels our beating hearts
for we are not the lucky ones
with only our little strength to pull us through
and even though we are not shown with the hands of peace
we build a desire of strength for our own

A fissure forms, unseen, unheard,
Reality bends, reshaped, absurd.
A shadow whispers, its voice unknown,
I walk a path I do not own.
The walls breathes life, the floor turns thin,
A labyrinth of chaos erupted within.
Eyes from each corners, they pierce,
they stare with longing awareness,
Are they real, or just my mind laid bare?
Colors scream to me in agony
they twist, they bleed,
Truth dissolves to what I need.
Voices merged together, then split apart,
A shattered reflection reflects my heart.
Time walks backwards then stops,
then starts again in a clockwork circle ,
A fragile web of fractured parts awaiting to crumble .
I reach for anchors but they remove my grip,
Each grasp returns me to the same.
Yet through the tempest, faint and small,
A voice persists beyond it all.
It whispers softly, though hard to hear,
"You are still here, despite the fear."
The storm subsides, though scars remain,
A fragile peace reclaimed from pain.
Through psychosis, the mind may stray,
But even in pure darkness
light finds itself a pathway

The symbol of fire reaches out to me
lighting every tree in its path
it finds me near the earth’s soil
it circles a ring of flames around my finger
telling me that I have been given a gift
with a smile of ego across its face
it returns back where it once came from
so now where I stand in the corner of time
whenever I am at arms length of a person
and reach my hand out to them
I scorch myself
leaving a permanent burn mark
that I can’t get rid off
leaving me disgusted of my own capability
of such a devastating curse
and so I try to find a solution
with a bundle of sticks from the forest
I dip my fingertips into them
letting the flames do the introduction
the sparks I had released formed smoke
with every breath I take I inhaled it
leaving gray clouds populating my vision
after this experiment I have done
I began to do it daily
throughout this process I found peace
until one day
I inspired the rapture of a wildfire
as it consumes every tree, bush, and ****
I didn’t feel it circling me
and so as the aftermath came
with smoke and ashes populating the burned down forest
where I laid
I felt satisfied but not fulfilled

When I heard you ripping off the wrapping paper keeping me hostage
I knew you were just as excited as me
when I saw you for the first time there was a big smile on your face
and so every day when you come back from school you’ll take me out of the toy box and we’ll go on our little adventures until the sun sets
those were times I could never forget
when you dress me up as a pirate and made me go down the slide with you while you screamed “AARRRR!!!”
when you would dress me up in little outfits
to match what you’re wearing almost everyday day
and I still remember those nights when you would read stories about fantasies and superheroes until you doze off to sleep
with me right next to you
hoping that no nightmares disturb your precious dreams
back then I see those as memories of nostalgia
but when you got older you started acting strangely off
it was as if one day you were leaving the door to go to school
and suddenly the next day your replacing almost everything that looked “childish”
but that didn’t bother me at all
when you replaced every inch of your wall with band posters
removing all your clothes that were filled with color to colors that represent the meaning of shallow
to taking out every toy and putting unfinished homework that you’ll never touch ever again
even those nights that I thought were still in our schedule for bedtime stories are now replaced with nights of you taking pieces of your unfinished homework, putting a weird substance on top of it, rolling it up and smoking it outside the window
the smell disturbed me and left the little remnants on my fur overalls
and on some days your parents who would yell at you when catching you do it out of sight
which led to you slamming the door on them multiple times
before I would watch this all this happen on the corner of your bed
but now you changed my location to where I am now next to the night lamp you don’t use any more
during this period of our lives it was like a roller coaster
until one day you slammed the door
and came back again with a sign of maturity around you
with band posters ripped off the and your secret stash thrown away
I observed you putting things away in boxes with your parents watching you with small smiles on their faces
I didn’t understand what was going on
until I saw a college paper near my line of sight
before you took off and said goodbye to your parents
you noticed me for the first time in a long time
I was collecting dust on my fur
with cobwebs piled on my buttons eyes and overalls
with the particles of that weird substance still lingering on me
you picked me up for the last time and tidied me up so I looked new
and instead of putting me the numerous of boxes you put me in a separate singular box
you carried me away and put me in a car
then we drove away for a couple hours
until we reached a new destination
you knocked on a door and a woman appeared and you guys talked for a while but before I knew it you put me in her arms and watch you leave
I finally realizing I will never be in your arms again
soon a few days past by
the woman wrapped me up in rainbow paper with a bow on it
and carried me away to a celebration of some sort
before I could question what was happening
I heard a young voice unwrapping the paper that kept me hostage again
then I saw a new face both filled with excitement and joy
and so the cycle repeats

Two strangers crossed paths in the quiet night.
Not knowing company was arriving
One came wandering, lost in thought,
The other seeking what dreams had not brought
they sit side by side on an old bronze bridge
their was a slight moment of uncomfortable silence
No words at first, just a shared, still air,
A bridge ahead, an unspoken dare
They sat side by side, the world far below,
Where rivers whispered and time seemed uncertain
and so it began the stories they’d never forget
their shoelaces were dangling in the air like rhythm
which began to tempt the ocean underneath them
suddenly the tension breaks from the pigeons squawking
leaving the bats hanging under the bridge to blow their cover
and retreat away swiftly to the north
suddenly one of them begins to clear their throat
“Throughout my life I used to believe…,” one softly began,
“That life was a map, with a clear, steady plan.
But paths can falter, and dreams mislead uncontrollably,
What do you follow when hope concedes?”
the other looked down at the ocean gazing into their reflection
Then the other replied with a wistful smirk ,
“Well I have chased the horizon many times
till I could run out of my pitiful breath.
from what I learned life ain’t no straight line,
it can bend and it can sway with elegance,
to me every day there will always be a puzzle of choices to make.”
their truths laid bare onto one another
soon they began talking about love they’d lost
and burdens they’d bear on themselves.
sometimes a laugh would slip from their lips,
then some inner silence would rise once again
As the great ocean below seemed to answer it all.
the hours blurred into the creek of dawn,
Two strangers once, now have created a bond under the moonlight
By questions, by laughter, by their shared insight.
When they rose to leave, no promises were even made
Just a simple salute to the bridge and the night they stayed.
because of those fleeting long hours
Two lives had changed by a quiet power.

And though the old bronze bridge might never return
since the overall structure will crumble to dust in the future
The stars remembered, the river would churn
Two souls met once under the midnight’s reign
and though they parted forever, yet somehow they still remained

the engine hums for the call of the small constellations
that twinkle when catching their gaze up above
the lone biker chased the fading road with no warning signs
which is an endless line where time intertwines
both delicate and cruel to unravel
through the shadows that creep in the darkness
memories start to stir in a spiral motion
the old withered echoes whispered in soft voice
sounds of laughter, love, dreams that where once bold
have now became fragments of a folk story being told before
the throttle twists tightly in disgust
leaving the tires to burn with smoke rising
a path started to appear soon ahead
and with an uncertain turn the lone biker rides through hours
that blur and blend within a mixture
a journey past leaving a road to mend
with each mile questions began to float in the air
questions of who they are
and who’ll be there waiting for them
the past was a weight that for sure can’t be shed
and yet forward pulls where souls are lead
the silence sings of battles fought
where moments are lost and lessons taught
the future was a road to the unknown
but with each rev there was a realization that they aren’t alone
in the rhythm of the ride
they soon find a solace in the shifting winds
the past was a map of twist and turns
and so the future awaits as they return

I was born from a womb of poison
my family was full of this type of chemical
so to be fair I never asked to be part of this
tree filled with apples infested with worms
where one’s own leaves will start to become tarnished and then break away from our tree all the way to the ground
where only the bugs will look upon the smooshed apple
as fine treasure to ravish
each member of a relative used to be spoon fed doses of toxicity down their throats
until they are old enough to use the same spoon fed tactic onto the next generation
if you where to see our ancestral history with a magnify glass
you would find anything out of the ordinary
until you decided to squint your eyes
and see the thin cracks on all of our faces in all of our portraits
even if you were to just poke your finger on the steel frame
you’ll end up getting a cut that won’t stop bleeding
Ejiro was the name given to me from the tone of the unrighteousness
and no it is not some weird typo error
I was given this title since it is defined as the symbol of mercy when given praise for the truth of the world
it is carved across my back with great pride
but I wonder how long my back can ignore the scars
that ache me so often when I sleep
since the ink quill used to write my back was filled with the divine poison with the hands of the unfortunate

everything was set into place just like I planned
I found myself the perfect spot to hit my targets
without them noticing me from a higher up distance
I can’t be seen though or I’ll blow my cover  
from afar there are two people in a isolated area
a great place for me to carry out this lovely mission
without any witnesses interfering
I take my “bow” out of my suitcase and start to reload my “arrows”
I line up my first shot to the first person’s frontal lobe
with one push of the trigger
my love magic pierced through one of them with ease
the other screamed in a great terror
but don’t worry they’ll meet up with them soon
as I quickly reload my “arrow” I see them run away in fright
they try to signal for help but I can’t let that happen
with a quick shot my love magic went through the back of their head
now both of their souls can finally interact in another life
“did you carry out the job “ my boss said through my walkie talkie
“affirmative sir” I replied
with each mission I carry out I do it with love
even if it ends with me being on the wanted posters

My friend group is known for being quite a handful
but if you were to hear them out you might see their point of view
even though they are loud and reckless
they weren’t always like that
sometimes they are spreading their childlike nonsense to every lunch table but we all pretend they aren’t there
it’s not as if they are troublemakers
but if you were in my shoes for a minute
you feel as if you need to put leashes on them
even though my friends gets glances from the crowd
with shared whispers of annoyance in the public eye
my peers never cared one bit of their opinions at all
every day with them is like a wacky episode to rewind on
but I am not a mischief myself
but I am a quiet observer
and my friends don’t mind me being one at all
when they are causing their daily havoc I am their along side them
watching them with an open mind
they don’t pressure me to do the things they do and I’m glad
in fact they like my quiet persona
but even though they don’t have a good reputation
they don’t know their stories of why they are the way they are
some days I watch them act like ruthless hyenas
but on other days my friends talk to me alone in private
talking about their lives outside of school
or they’ll tell me about what their going through
or even the thoughts that haunt them at night
and I’ll just sit back and listen to it all
sometimes I’ll act like the guidance they always wanted
and in the our final hours of me hugging them in my arms
I tell them “I’m here for you and I ain’t going nowhere”

all glances were on me that day
handcuffs on my hands and feet
with a steel mask around my mouth
the judge, juries, and the people of the court look at my direction
not even a single lawyer to defend me but to go against me
they all think I’m sort of a animal
but really I’m just a chef with a picky taste
my work is very special to me
I prefer for my work to only satisfy the appetites
of those who have the same intentions as me
you can find my beautiful projects on the dark web
but if you want a real close you know where to find me
I’m not the type of chef to cook meals for the human digestion
rather for the opposite
my skills are rather useful when it comes to a specific topic
“cannibalism” is what my case file says
but do not think I have a brutal type of persona
I see other people as ingredients ready to be served
with only my words of persuasion of sweet treats for them to devour
one by one I end their suffering and turn them into delicacies
You see I believe the human race that doesn’t believe in my vision
deserve to be ravished by those who have similar tastebuds as mine
if you are curious to research my craft man skills
you can look into my files that the courtroom has provided
or maybe you can talk to my daily customers who prefer my services
the courtroom look at me with disgust
but I don’t mind one bit
the eyes of the aversion is filling up my hunger
but I must hold myself down for now

Mom was dozing off in her sofa with the tv still on
until she got up and went back to her bed
my dad was snoring on the living room couch
until his body rolled over in a slow motion
but he still continued to sleep on the rug
my sister was in her room
with her tablet taking away her attention
her door was shut that night
if you wondered where I was
I wasn’t in my room staring at the ceiling
I was back to where it all started
the bathroom floor
if you were to ask me why I was in there
I would probably just shrug my shoulders
the cold smooth bathroom tiles
always welcomed me gracefully
usually during this type of event
my brain would turn off and on rapidly
but I would let it go on for a while
for a while I thought my day was gonna go well but I was so naive
now I’m back to the beginning
my eyes started to water up
but I tried to hold myself down
the last thing I would to do is wake up anyone
my body was sat on the floor with my back up against the wall
trying to take deep breaths
but that was not making my situation any better
so my eyes gave up on me
and my weeps started to reveal themselves onto my face
the tiles on the floor catches every tear drop
I put my hands on my mouth to silence myself
my brain was not in my favor anymore
soon words started to pile up in my mind
like questions of my existence
the reminders of all the mistakes I done
or the severe urge to puke out my sorrows
this went on for a few hours
until I got up from the bathroom floor
washed my face
off the lights
and went straight to bed
shutting my brain off for tomorrow

a woman is put at the center of the court
with accusations of witchcraft wrapped around their name
she would beg and plead to the people of the courtroom that she is not a witch but rather a mother or a daughter or friend or a sister
the jury and the people who watch upon the woman’s demise will begin to share their stories trying to prove that she is not innocent
but the judge has heard enough
his decision has now been made
they take her away
dragging her with all their might
ignoring the woman’s pleads for mercy
they tie her to a log with a rope
which tightened her breath to a degree
stick and stones surround her feet
everyone in the village gathered around her
some tried to negotiate with the higher ups
trying to prove that she isn’t a witch
while the majority was chanting for her death to be quick and painful
one person started the fire with no remorse
letting the flames collide with each stick and stone in their path until it reaches to the woman’s feet
the flames started to consume her
her screams were heard from across the land
her body was melting
revealing every layer of her skin
until the only thing left was her skeleton

There was blood on my hands
but it wasn't mine
even if I wish that were the case for that moment
I couldn't risk it
the choice was to **** or be killed
my palms were oozing with the color red
my adrenaline was racing in loops
the man that I killed was considered my enemy
but in the eyes of my enemies on the other side
he was known as man with a purpose
a dream that he wanted to fulfill
he wanted to become a singer
to be the main lead in his church choir
singing chants of the holy name till dawn
but ever since the war
he had to put his dream on hold
now he had to sing for a new revolution

With the sound of the trigger
I caused his dream to be silenced forever
but it's not like I wanted to do that
It was either me or him
I drop my gun onto the ground and run towards him
his body was cold like ice
but his eyes were still shimmering
his head was looking straight at the heavens
I cradle his head gentle
whispering my sincere apologies in his ear
my comrades reach to where I am
asking me if I was okay numerous of times
but I was too ashamed to speak
I bury my head onto his chest
hoping that I can find a heartbeat
but it was too late to check
he is now singing with the angels

After the war has finally passed
I walk across death beds of the fallen
I put flowers on each of their graves
until I reached to his
I put my hand on his tombstone
my hands are now forever dry
but the memory still aches between my fingertips

In the depths of my dreams
I see her within my proximity
her face is scribbled out with sharpie
and her voice is static
her name was Ms. Euphoria

oh how I miss her motherly love
whenever my tears hit my pillow
making my eyes become drowsy
I fall into a deep sleep
my body is taken through a tunnel vision
and when I finally open my eyes
I have been transported into a dream
where Ms. Euphoria will be waiting for me
with open arms to wrap me into her embrace
I tell her everything that comes to mind
and even though I can’t hear her well
between the static lines of her voice
I can sense her feeling of understanding

But was ages ago
now my dreams are blurry to remember
but I hope one night I can see her again
waiting for me in the distance
ready to hear my cries of sorrow
comforting me with the blessing of empathy

ever since I grew a consciousness
I was good at everything
I had straight A’s
Perfect attendance
had a high level reading level almost every grade I was in
I was one of the best archers in my freshman year
my reputation was very well known
but it’s not like I was popular or known by every at school
I was just considered on of the “smart kids”
and I held that title to my heart  
now you may know that their is a thing called “sophomore slumps”
when I first heard of it
I didn’t think of it as much
falling into delusion that I still will be in the top as usual
but now my crown has been snatched from my head and then crushed onto the floor
my grades were now…. average
to the point I’m more focus on trying to pass a class rather getting an A+ as usual
my amazing perfect attendance has been
ruined
since my therapist and psychiatrist has taken my sweet time away from school hours
plus I don’t even do sports anymore
and my love for archery has been diminished from my mind
my reputation was on a tightrope every day
aside from that
my high reading level stayed the same
but at this point who even cares about that

Now the only thing I’m perfect at doing is
waking up and finding a reason to not go back to sleep

I wonder what Icarus felt like
when he tried to touch the face of the sun
and rub his hands on the sun’s cheek bones
only for the sun to reject him from trying to reach its throne
I sympathize with Daedalus grief
when he tried to warn his son from the dangers of confronting the giver of light
then watching his sons' wings fail him
When they both flapped their waxy wings
they both had visions
of where they want to go
Daedalus wanted to seek a place where their freedom would not be taken away
while Icarus wanted to fly
he wanted to soar with the clouds
and migrate with the birds
he wanted to reach where the golden gates were placed
and hold the embrace of God between his fingers
but the sun refused this
the sun took Icarus wings and clipped them
removing every feather that was sewn onto the wings Daedalus made for him
the hot wax pulling Icarus down to the depths of the earth

I imagine what Icarus had to conclude
when during the fall he then realizes
how this was going to be the last thing he will experience
before his body hits the sea
drowning from the great ocean currents
which took his last breath
I can picture what Daedalus must have saw
when he saw his son falling into the arms of death carrying him down below
knowing that even though Icarus was able to fly in that moment
that cause led to his demise

“Why am I here?”
I asked myself that over and over again
as my body floats in space
the outer layer of the atmosphere is so dense I can feel the surface rub against my helmet
my body is light as a feather
I can hear my bones rattling with one another within my body
when I was standing on the earth’s crust
I can see the stars at the night sky
if I where to look hard enough I can see constellations dancing and embracing themselves with glee
now I’m up above with them
but the constellations do not applaud for my arrival
they just shimmer until they turn dull
so I dance with the void instead

for a while my brain feels quiet
a constant low ringing in my ear
I couldn’t tell if I was just imagining it
or my ears were in shock from realizing how quiet the universe is when you only known sound from I’m from
I snap my brain back into reality
remembering what I must do
I look at my surroundings
at first all I saw was nothing
but then I see a gray sphere a distance away
it was the moon
spinning in rotation
impersonating a ballerina in a huge ballroom filled with mirrors
I paddle my feet to its location
setting my feet in its dry surface
“mission complete” I told myself

I sit down with my legs crossed
observing what’s around me for the final time
I can sense the earth mourning my name
begging me to come home
I put my hand out in a cup-like position
where I can see the earth within my fingertips
then I finally realized
the earth can give you so many questions
but the stars give you theories

there was a scrawny man on the side of the street
he was holding a cardboard sign
and his words were not filled with glee.
The cardboard sign said "the end is near"
and he kept on shouting it till his voice croaked
and the people that passed him were not in fear
they all thought he was a ****** who wanted to act like a pope
he chanted those words' day and night
children hearing him from their windows
and the night rodents observe him with delight.
One day that all changed
the sky turning cherry red with stratus clouds
and smoke began to appear from the cracks on street lanes
creatures crawling from the underground
screeching their arrival to the humans
telling them that this is their new domain now.
As the sun turns pitch black
and the moon becomes crimson red
the land was now populated with giant maggots
while the sea was soaked up and now looked dead.
The people who despised the scrawny man with the cardboard sign
go to him looking for wisdom that will dismiss their fear
for they do not know what will become of them next
but all he could say is "can't you see our future is clear, our freedom was never here".

I fear to be seen as the person next to me
to act and present myself how society wants me to be seen
never being different in my own way
but I also fear to be the odd one out
to be treated for the way I express myself
becoming singled out from the population as a whole
it's quite interesting when you think about it
wanting to be different
but to also want to blend in with the crowd
so, every day I change myself
switching my persona in a quick flash
just so I can't let this odd fear of mine
to swallow me alive just so I can spit it out
leaving an uncanny taste sizzling in my mouth

I was working all night
my body wanted to go on sleep mode
but I had to resist
soon later I get a call
I answer it and say the same thing I say every single day
“911 what’s your emergency?”
for a couple of minutes, I heard nothing
just static noise coming from the phone
I asked again hoping I get an answer
then I hear small snuffles
as if someone was crying
it was the sound of a woman on the call
“Ma’am is everything okay?” I asked
silence is all I received back
soon later I heard mumbling
“I’m tired….” she mumbles
I can still hear her snuffing
I continue to do what I am informed to do
“Is something wrong?” I asked
she stopped her snuffing and mumbling
“I don’t know anymore…. I think there is something wrong with me...” she said
I started to type on my keyboard
“do you need an ambulance or the police to come to your aid” I replied typing away in my keyboard
“I don't know... but I think I know what I need to do...” she said
I started to hear the sound of footsteps from the call
then the sound of the water was echoing through the phone line
“Ma’am where are you right now” I asked in a serious tone
“I’m at my favorite bridge... but don’t worry I’ll be in another place far better than this bridge” she said in a drained tone
I start putting the pieces together quickly
I send a ambulance and police officers on the way to her location
“ma’am whatever you're doing please resist, help is on the way” I replied with an anxious tone
sweat was running down my face
my heart was pumping in milliseconds
but all I heard was static on the other line
she then replied
“I don’t know if I need help at this point, I’m in a nightmare and I can’t wake up”
I look around the office I was in
no one was on the same shift as me
I was alone
time was ticking for me
but she thinks her time is up
with a heavy heart I said
“Is it okay if you can stay on the line with me”
she said “sure I guess…”
we stayed on the line for a while
for that time period I decided to stop acting like my profession
I start acting like her guide in beginning
then became her friend in the end
throughout our talk she told me everything
about her life, struggles, and her deep thoughts that dwell within
some of them I can relate too
we talk about our opinions about the meaning of life and death
until later I heard the sound of police sirens coming from the call
“well, I guess it’s no use to jump huh, you know I liked our talk, it’s nice to know someone out there who cares” she said softly
I got informed that they removed her out of the bridge safety and took her somewhere safe
the phone line went off after that
I look at the time
its midnight still
before I could even take a sigh of relief
I get another call
I answer and say the same thing I say every single day
“911 what’s your emergency?”

my mom makes me leave my door open
she doesn’t like it when I lock my it shut
if I do that she knocks gently
telling me to open the door with a very worried tone in her voice
unlike my dad who bangs on my door
as if he is a robber trying to steal a car
I’m now counting down the days till I see a big dent on my door because of him
he slams my door without an alibi
telling me to open the door so he can send me off to do an errand for him
while my mom does have an alibi
when I leave my room door open
my mom will poke her head out
time after time again to check on me
making sure that I haven’t turned myself into a funeral photo that she’ll soak her tears into
crying for answers that she’ll never receive
wondering what she’s has done wrong to make me remove myself from our family legacy for eternity
but that’s not the case
because she didn’t did anything wrong
so I’m ok with having my door left open
because I want her to know that
even if I want to erase my existence at times
I’m still here

I wake up at 5:03
I want to sleep for a couple more minutes
but I don’t want my alarm to continue screaming at me
I brush my teeth, shower, and stare at my closet
contemplating what to wear today
I decided to dress like a nuisance
I go downstairs trying not to trip and fall
ditching breakfast along the way
almost missing the bus
I save my seat quickly
I put my earphones in and put my volume up to block the noises coming from the couple behind me making out
so I can only hear my music instead
when I arrive at school
a moment of realization hits me
“I forgot to take my meds” I thought

my first 5 classes are bland
and when lunch came I sat with my friends
in the lunch table we were at
to my left I see one of my friends with their ****** boyfriend
spreading their pda all over the table
to my right my other friend was talking to a few nobodies
my last friend had to go to detention because they can’t go one day without being a trouble maker
I was sitting in between
I made up a lie saying “I had to go to a school club” but in reality I just need to clear my head
I went to the library and drift to sleep on a book
but then I got awoken by the Liberian saying lunch has ended
it’s fine though
I didn’t want to eat lunch anyways

When I went to my 6th classes
the geometry teacher hands out a test
before I was really good at geometry
Trigonometry and Pythagorean felt like cartwheels in my brain
but now I just sink my head on my desk
counting down the seconds till the bell rings
when I reach to my last class which was Spanish class
it’s silent and calm
I prefer it that way
so I just memorize Spanish words till the day ends
when I’m the bus ride home
I picked up a book that I “borrowed” from my backpack
it was a poetry book and I read it till my bus stop came

when I got home
I immediately ran upstairs and went to my room
pouring out my tears on my pillow till my eyes felt puffy
then I drift to sleep
but then when night finally came
I was awoken by the sound of my mom and dad
they were arguing again
this was normal
their voices were sword fighting on who gets the last word
their argument awoken everyone else in the family
me, my grandma, my sis, and my grandpa look down from upstairs
watching two people **** each other with words of resentment

I go back to my room
locking my door and rest on my bed
staring at the ceiling
I put my earphones on
blast the volume up so the music can sing into my eardrums
then I daydream into the unknown

The waves are angry
but I shall not succumb to its wrath
the tides that interlock swing their fist
towards my direction
I reach my arms out to them
embracing every droplet of fury upon me
the wind currents are spinning in spirals
my venerable ship coughs out anguish
the old ship that once carried so many
cannot bear the feet of one soul on its wooden surface
I can hear the storms rumbling up in the heavens
hungry for my defeat
grasping onto the wheel I try to parallel
the waves take notice and leash their final attack
with one big push my ship shows mercy
but I didn't surrender
the ship starts to crumble in milliseconds
and the waves captures me in their hands
sinking me down below
my breath starts to wither away
my eyes began to drift into slumber
until I felt something take my hand
with little energy in my body I try to pinpoint who was trying to rise me to the surface
their hand felt like a sponge against mine
torso was covered with blue and green scales shimmering in a twilight zone
their long tail flapped up and down
before I could even see what their face looked like up close
I start to hear a aroma sound coming from them
the toon of a lullaby that can put you to sleep forever
it was bittersweet
minutes later I was brought to the surface
gasping for as much air as I could get
I look at my surroundings
for some reason I was back at the start
the peninsula that started my journey is where I was brought back
the sand sizzle on my skin
by putting myself back on my feet
I walk back to the waves
hoping I can find my savior
or they will reveal themselves to me
but that never occurred

now I’m drawn back to the peninsula
waiting for a sign
I continue searching for them in the waves
within my line of sight
the bittersweet sound still rings in my head
every day and every night

For 274 days I have been sober
throughout those days
zero painkillers have touched my tongue
but every so often I would have my urges
but I’ll continue to resist them until I perish
on the first day of being clean
I failed
and relapsed over and over again
I couldn’t stop myself
the idea of my brain shutting off
was my mission to complete
I’ll take them in my room
with the door locked shut
and take them in the school bathrooms when I know that no one was in the stalls
it was a time loop that never ends
never stops
but always repeats
until that changed eventually
on one of the days my counselor found out
then my mom found out
and then a hospital found out
those days felt miserable
questions were thrown at me
from different faces with same expressions
and all I could do was mumble my words
trying to hold my tears as I tilt my head to the ground in shame
after the “visit” I made a oath to myself
that’ll I’ll become sober
it’s been 9 months for me now
I don’t have these urges anymore
but I still had second thoughts
on random nights
I’ll look up at my ceiling
fantasizing about taking the whole bottle
and putting myself at rest
letting my body become numb
while my mind roams free
until that feeling fades away slowly
now I look up at my future
knowing I have gotten this far now
I won’t let myself go into another time loop
that never stops
never ends
I promise

When you come across the city lights
that shimmers in the cool night sky
were the breeze will hum melancholy toons
Remember me
where moths will circle around lanterns and start admiring them
but too afraid to touch them with their wings
Remember me
when you look up at the moon
open your eyes upon its magic
that awakens the creatures of the night
roaming through the shadows
looking for their next meal
or looking for a safe place to call their home
Remember me
when you pass a small bakery
that may end up closing for a few minutes
but then you’ll find a smell so delicate it
you can taste the food in your mouth
that’ll warm your heart
and purifies your soul
Remember me
when you find what you are looking for
between the cracks of sorrow
where inner peace dwells within
Remember me
and I’ll continue to remember you forever

I had a friend who got cheated on
from a guy who looked like jack the skeleton with starter dreadlocks
and when they broke up it destroyed her for some months until her tears swelled up
one day me and her were walking around the school and we pass this huge billboard with names of the football players for this year and her ex’s name was on there
each football player’s name was written on a metal plate and was stuck on the billboard with screws
she told me that every time she saw his name on there she wanted to just “take it down” so I told her that on the last day of our sophomore year we would do that

on the last day of school
we gathered up our friend group and waited outside of school till it hit midnight
no sign of anyone was in the building
and no cars were outside in the parking lot
so I take out a few tools that I stole from my dad’s toolbox and try to pick lock from the back door while someone held a flashlight
after a few minutes pass it finally worked
and we all tiptoe into the building
giggling and chuckling to the billboard
we all stand in front of it
staring at the names until we found the ex’s name on there shining like silver dust
I position myself to do a piggyback
and my friend leaps onto my back
I raised myself up trying to hold my feet onto the ground while trying not to get wobbly knees and my friend takes a screwdriver from her pocket
one by one she took the screws of and with both of her hands she rips off the name out of the billboard
we all cheered with joy
until we all heard the sound of a security guard running towards us
we all ran as fast as we could
laughing so hard it echoed throughout the hallways in a bubbly toon
after we ran out the building
with no sign of the security guard behind
we stopped in our tracks and catch our breaths while sweat ran down our faces
I looked up at my friend
she still had her ex’s name plate in her hand
she did a slight chuckle and did a big shout to the sky we all shouted glee and laughed until we lost our voices
then we all went our separate ways

I don’t know what my friend was going to do with that name plate
she’ll probably burn it or maybe chuck it over a cliff somewhere
but I know that on that day
we all felt infinite

It’s been so long y’know
since I saw your face up close
to be honest I think I’m starting to forget what you look like day after day
but I’m still going to keep the good part of you inside me
In the beginning of our bond
you knew that you were a bad person and I only ended up realizing that little by little overtime
I tried my hardest to help you become a better person
and now you’re gone
not from this world
but from my world
you left me in a trance filled with questions of why I was never enough for you to change
My mind has become so numb now
my heart is still aching for answers
to a person who wants nothing to do with me anymore
so with a heavy heart
and a numb mind
I came to a conclusion that you don’t miss me
but I do miss you

I wanted it so badly
I needed it within my reach
but you knew that already, didn't you?
the glory of knowledge
the power of wisdom in its truest form
the answers of what intelligence can uphold
this is what thrived me
but that feeling soon passed away
and went directly to you instead
with open arms you embraced it
you let it take control
while I watched in the side lines
this type of curiosity was consuming you
but you knew that already, didn't you?

It’s watching us
all of us
the eye of the sky looks upon us
as the sun and moon passes
the mighty eye decides which one of us will join it in the heavens
and it shall declare who shall decay underground with the company of maggots
awaiting for the arrival
everyday as we breathe in the air of life
the mighty eye shall open its hands out to the person or people who have reach the final stage of decomposition

I look up at the sky one day
staring into the raging sun
the mighty eye notices me and says
“don’t look into the sun or else your eyes will burn tragically”
I continue to stare into the sun effortlessly
my eyes started to water up quickly
but then I asked
“why is it that you can admire the sun, but I can’t without it hurting my vision”
the mighty eye says nothing back
“this isn’t real is it” I said
“now what makes you say that” the mighty eye responds with confusion
“well even though the sun is piercing through my pupils, the sky is declaring its midnight as we speak right now”
the mighty eye quickly blocks the sun and sets its gaze upon me
“I think it is time for you to wake up” the mighty eye whispers
suddenly and a jolt enters my body
then I wake up from my slumber
with sweat glued onto my face
I look at the sky through my window
the sky was still dark
and the raging sun has passed
yet I had a sudden feeling
that the mighty eye is still there
watching me

you saw it too right, right?
it stands there in the corner
carrying every burden that dwells within your body but doesn’t want to leave it
that thing in the corner
it presents your fears, guilt, and trauma
it’ll whisper about conflicts that will never leave your mind that’ll linger in the back of your thoughts
if you were to stare at it for a while
it might go away
but then it will resurface at the worst time
it can take so many forms as it manifests
sorrow, emptiness, that deep emotion that weeps inside your chest
that thing will continue to lurk in the background within the depths of your life
If you want to take it head on into a battle
and take that step forward
you’ll only be filled with reminders of what haunts your mind when taking a few steps
within that time you’ll start to rethink that maybe making peace with it will just be elusive
but I believe you can do it
you see it, don’t you?
it sits in the corner waiting for you
take those few steps forward
and look at it in the eyes
even if looks daunting and morbid
you can’t let it strangle you with the hands of your past
it may be struggling for you but confront it is the only way to reclaim your control
gain back that sense of peace that was lost
you know that it’s there, right?
so face it