ever since I grew a consciousness
I was good at everything
I had straight A’s
Perfect attendance
had a high level reading level almost every grade I was in
I was one of the best archers in my freshman year
my reputation was very well known
but it’s not like I was popular or known by every at school
I was just considered on of the “smart kids”
and I held that title to my heart  
now you may know that their is a thing called “sophomore slumps”
when I first heard of it
I didn’t think of it as much
falling into delusion that I still will be in the top as usual
but now my crown has been snatched from my head and then crushed onto the floor
my grades were now…. average
to the point I’m more focus on trying to pass a class rather getting an A+ as usual
my amazing perfect attendance has been
ruined
since my therapist and psychiatrist has taken my sweet time away from school hours
plus I don’t even do sports anymore
and my love for archery has been diminished from my mind
my reputation was on a tightrope every day
aside from that
my high reading level stayed the same
but at this point who even cares about that

Now the only thing I’m perfect at doing is
waking up and finding a reason to not go back to sleep

I wonder what Icarus felt like
when he tried to touch the face of the sun
and rub his hands on the sun’s cheek bones
only for the sun to reject him from trying to reach its throne
I sympathize with Daedalus grief
when he tried to warn his son from the dangers of confronting the giver of light
then watching his sons' wings fail him
When they both flapped their waxy wings
they both had visions
of where they want to go
Daedalus wanted to seek a place where their freedom would not be taken away
while Icarus wanted to fly
he wanted to soar with the clouds
and migrate with the birds
he wanted to reach where the golden gates were placed
and hold the embrace of God between his fingers
but the sun refused this
the sun took Icarus wings and clipped them
removing every feather that was sewn onto the wings Daedalus made for him
the hot wax pulling Icarus down to the depths of the earth

I imagine what Icarus had to conclude
when during the fall he then realizes
how this was going to be the last thing he will experience
before his body hits the sea
drowning from the great ocean currents
which took his last breath
I can picture what Daedalus must have saw
when he saw his son falling into the arms of death carrying him down below
knowing that even though Icarus was able to fly in that moment
that cause led to his demise

“Why am I here?”
I asked myself that over and over again
as my body floats in space
the outer layer of the atmosphere is so dense I can feel the surface rub against my helmet
my body is light as a feather
I can hear my bones rattling with one another within my body
when I was standing on the earth’s crust
I can see the stars at the night sky
if I where to look hard enough I can see constellations dancing and embracing themselves with glee
now I’m up above with them
but the constellations do not applaud for my arrival
they just shimmer until they turn dull
so I dance with the void instead

for a while my brain feels quiet
a constant low ringing in my ear
I couldn’t tell if I was just imagining it
or my ears were in shock from realizing how quiet the universe is when you only known sound from I’m from
I snap my brain back into reality
remembering what I must do
I look at my surroundings
at first all I saw was nothing
but then I see a gray sphere a distance away
it was the moon
spinning in rotation
impersonating a ballerina in a huge ballroom filled with mirrors
I paddle my feet to its location
setting my feet in its dry surface
“mission complete” I told myself

I sit down with my legs crossed
observing what’s around me for the final time
I can sense the earth mourning my name
begging me to come home
I put my hand out in a cup-like position
where I can see the earth within my fingertips
then I finally realized
the earth can give you so many questions
but the stars give you theories

there was a scrawny man on the side of the street
he was holding a cardboard sign
and his words were not filled with glee.
The cardboard sign said "the end is near"
and he kept on shouting it till his voice croaked
and the people that passed him were not in fear
they all thought he was a ****** who wanted to act like a pope
he chanted those words' day and night
children hearing him from their windows
and the night rodents observe him with delight.
One day that all changed
the sky turning cherry red with stratus clouds
and smoke began to appear from the cracks on street lanes
creatures crawling from the underground
screeching their arrival to the humans
telling them that this is their new domain now.
As the sun turns pitch black
and the moon becomes crimson red
the land was now populated with giant maggots
while the sea was soaked up and now looked dead.
The people who despised the scrawny man with the cardboard sign
go to him looking for wisdom that will dismiss their fear
for they do not know what will become of them next
but all he could say is "can't you see our future is clear, our freedom was never here".

I fear to be seen as the person next to me
to act and present myself how society wants me to be seen
never being different in my own way
but I also fear to be the odd one out
to be treated for the way I express myself
becoming singled out from the population as a whole
it's quite interesting when you think about it
wanting to be different
but to also want to blend in with the crowd
so, every day I change myself
switching my persona in a quick flash
just so I can't let this odd fear of mine
to swallow me alive just so I can spit it out
leaving an uncanny taste sizzling in my mouth

I was working all night
my body wanted to go on sleep mode
but I had to resist
soon later I get a call
I answer it and say the same thing I say every single day
“911 what’s your emergency?”
for a couple of minutes, I heard nothing
just static noise coming from the phone
I asked again hoping I get an answer
then I hear small snuffles
as if someone was crying
it was the sound of a woman on the call
“Ma’am is everything okay?” I asked
silence is all I received back
soon later I heard mumbling
“I’m tired….” she mumbles
I can still hear her snuffing
I continue to do what I am informed to do
“Is something wrong?” I asked
she stopped her snuffing and mumbling
“I don’t know anymore…. I think there is something wrong with me...” she said
I started to type on my keyboard
“do you need an ambulance or the police to come to your aid” I replied typing away in my keyboard
“I don't know... but I think I know what I need to do...” she said
I started to hear the sound of footsteps from the call
then the sound of the water was echoing through the phone line
“Ma’am where are you right now” I asked in a serious tone
“I’m at my favorite bridge... but don’t worry I’ll be in another place far better than this bridge” she said in a drained tone
I start putting the pieces together quickly
I send a ambulance and police officers on the way to her location
“ma’am whatever you're doing please resist, help is on the way” I replied with an anxious tone
sweat was running down my face
my heart was pumping in milliseconds
but all I heard was static on the other line
she then replied
“I don’t know if I need help at this point, I’m in a nightmare and I can’t wake up”
I look around the office I was in
no one was on the same shift as me
I was alone
time was ticking for me
but she thinks her time is up
with a heavy heart I said
“Is it okay if you can stay on the line with me”
she said “sure I guess…”
we stayed on the line for a while
for that time period I decided to stop acting like my profession
I start acting like her guide in beginning
then became her friend in the end
throughout our talk she told me everything
about her life, struggles, and her deep thoughts that dwell within
some of them I can relate too
we talk about our opinions about the meaning of life and death
until later I heard the sound of police sirens coming from the call
“well, I guess it’s no use to jump huh, you know I liked our talk, it’s nice to know someone out there who cares” she said softly
I got informed that they removed her out of the bridge safety and took her somewhere safe
the phone line went off after that
I look at the time
its midnight still
before I could even take a sigh of relief
I get another call
I answer and say the same thing I say every single day
“911 what’s your emergency?”

my mom makes me leave my door open
she doesn’t like it when I lock my it shut
if I do that she knocks gently
telling me to open the door with a very worried tone in her voice
unlike my dad who bangs on my door
as if he is a robber trying to steal a car
I’m now counting down the days till I see a big dent on my door because of him
he slams my door without an alibi
telling me to open the door so he can send me off to do an errand for him
while my mom does have an alibi
when I leave my room door open
my mom will poke her head out
time after time again to check on me
making sure that I haven’t turned myself into a funeral photo that she’ll soak her tears into
crying for answers that she’ll never receive
wondering what she’s has done wrong to make me remove myself from our family legacy for eternity
but that’s not the case
because she didn’t did anything wrong
so I’m ok with having my door left open
because I want her to know that
even if I want to erase my existence at times
I’m still here

I wake up at 5:03
I want to sleep for a couple more minutes
but I don’t want my alarm to continue screaming at me
I brush my teeth, shower, and stare at my closet
contemplating what to wear today
I decided to dress like a nuisance
I go downstairs trying not to trip and fall
ditching breakfast along the way
almost missing the bus
I save my seat quickly
I put my earphones in and put my volume up to block the noises coming from the couple behind me making out
so I can only hear my music instead
when I arrive at school
a moment of realization hits me
“I forgot to take my meds” I thought

my first 5 classes are bland
and when lunch came I sat with my friends
in the lunch table we were at
to my left I see one of my friends with their ****** boyfriend
spreading their pda all over the table
to my right my other friend was talking to a few nobodies
my last friend had to go to detention because they can’t go one day without being a trouble maker
I was sitting in between
I made up a lie saying “I had to go to a school club” but in reality I just need to clear my head
I went to the library and drift to sleep on a book
but then I got awoken by the Liberian saying lunch has ended
it’s fine though
I didn’t want to eat lunch anyways

When I went to my 6th classes
the geometry teacher hands out a test
before I was really good at geometry
Trigonometry and Pythagorean felt like cartwheels in my brain
but now I just sink my head on my desk
counting down the seconds till the bell rings
when I reach to my last class which was Spanish class
it’s silent and calm
I prefer it that way
so I just memorize Spanish words till the day ends
when I’m the bus ride home
I picked up a book that I “borrowed” from my backpack
it was a poetry book and I read it till my bus stop came

when I got home
I immediately ran upstairs and went to my room
pouring out my tears on my pillow till my eyes felt puffy
then I drift to sleep
but then when night finally came
I was awoken by the sound of my mom and dad
they were arguing again
this was normal
their voices were sword fighting on who gets the last word
their argument awoken everyone else in the family
me, my grandma, my sis, and my grandpa look down from upstairs
watching two people **** each other with words of resentment

I go back to my room
locking my door and rest on my bed
staring at the ceiling
I put my earphones on
blast the volume up so the music can sing into my eardrums
then I daydream into the unknown

The waves are angry
but I shall not succumb to its wrath
the tides that interlock swing their fist
towards my direction
I reach my arms out to them
embracing every droplet of fury upon me
the wind currents are spinning in spirals
my venerable ship coughs out anguish
the old ship that once carried so many
cannot bear the feet of one soul on its wooden surface
I can hear the storms rumbling up in the heavens
hungry for my defeat
grasping onto the wheel I try to parallel
the waves take notice and leash their final attack
with one big push my ship shows mercy
but I didn't surrender
the ship starts to crumble in milliseconds
and the waves captures me in their hands
sinking me down below
my breath starts to wither away
my eyes began to drift into slumber
until I felt something take my hand
with little energy in my body I try to pinpoint who was trying to rise me to the surface
their hand felt like a sponge against mine
torso was covered with blue and green scales shimmering in a twilight zone
their long tail flapped up and down
before I could even see what their face looked like up close
I start to hear a aroma sound coming from them
the toon of a lullaby that can put you to sleep forever
it was bittersweet
minutes later I was brought to the surface
gasping for as much air as I could get
I look at my surroundings
for some reason I was back at the start
the peninsula that started my journey is where I was brought back
the sand sizzle on my skin
by putting myself back on my feet
I walk back to the waves
hoping I can find my savior
or they will reveal themselves to me
but that never occurred

now I’m drawn back to the peninsula
waiting for a sign
I continue searching for them in the waves
within my line of sight
the bittersweet sound still rings in my head
every day and every night

For 274 days I have been sober
throughout those days
zero painkillers have touched my tongue
but every so often I would have my urges
but I’ll continue to resist them until I perish
on the first day of being clean
I failed
and relapsed over and over again
I couldn’t stop myself
the idea of my brain shutting off
was my mission to complete
I’ll take them in my room
with the door locked shut
and take them in the school bathrooms when I know that no one was in the stalls
it was a time loop that never ends
never stops
but always repeats
until that changed eventually
on one of the days my counselor found out
then my mom found out
and then a hospital found out
those days felt miserable
questions were thrown at me
from different faces with same expressions
and all I could do was mumble my words
trying to hold my tears as I tilt my head to the ground in shame
after the “visit” I made a oath to myself
that’ll I’ll become sober
it’s been 9 months for me now
I don’t have these urges anymore
but I still had second thoughts
on random nights
I’ll look up at my ceiling
fantasizing about taking the whole bottle
and putting myself at rest
letting my body become numb
while my mind roams free
until that feeling fades away slowly
now I look up at my future
knowing I have gotten this far now
I won’t let myself go into another time loop
that never stops
never ends
I promise

When you come across the city lights
that shimmers in the cool night sky
were the breeze will hum melancholy toons
Remember me
where moths will circle around lanterns and start admiring them but too afraid to touch them with their wings
Remember me
when you look up at the moon
open your eyes upon its magic
that awakens the creatures of the night
roaming through the shadows
looking for their next meal
or looking for a safe place to call their home
Remember me
when you pass a small bakery
that may end up closing for a few minutes
but then you’ll find a smell so delicate it
you can taste the food in your mouth
that’ll warm your heart
and purifies your soul
Remember me
when you find what you are looking for
between the cracks of sorrow
where inner peace dwells within
Remember me
and I’ll continue to remember you forever

I had a friend who got cheated on
from a guy who looked like jack the skeleton with starter dreadlocks
and when they broke up it destroyed her for some months until her tears swelled up
one day me and her were walking around the school and we pass this huge billboard with names of the football players for this year and her ex’s name was on there
each football player’s name was written on a metal plate and was stuck on the billboard with screws
she told me that every time she saw his name on there she wanted to just “take it down” so I told her that on the last day of our sophomore year we would do that

on the last day of school
we gathered up our friend group and waited outside of school till it hit midnight
no sign of anyone was in the building
and no cars were outside in the parking lot
so I take out a few tools that I stole from my dad’s toolbox and try to pick lock from the back door while someone held a flashlight
after a few minutes pass it finally worked
and we all tiptoe into the building
giggling and chuckling to the billboard
we all stand in front of it
staring at the names until we found the ex’s name on there shining like silver dust
I position myself to do a piggyback
and my friend leaps onto my back
I raised myself up trying to hold my feet onto the ground while trying not to get wobbly knees and my friend takes a screwdriver from her pocket
one by one she took the screws of and with both of her hands she rips off the name out of the billboard
we all cheered with joy
until we all heard the sound of a security guard running towards us
we all ran as fast as we could
laughing so hard it echoed throughout the hallways in a bubbly toon
after we ran out the building
with no sign of the security guard behind
we stopped in our tracks and catch our breaths while sweat ran down our faces
I looked up at my friend
she still had her ex’s name plate in her hand
she did a slight chuckle and did a big shout to the sky we all shouted glee and laughed until we lost our voices
then we all went our separate ways

I don’t know what my friend was going to do with that name plate
she’ll probably burn it or maybe chuck it over a cliff somewhere
but I know that on that day
we all felt infinite

It’s been so long y’know
since I saw your face up close
to be honest I think I’m starting to forget what you look like day after day
but I’m still going to keep the good part of you inside me
In the beginning of our bond
you knew that you were a bad person and I only ended up realizing that little by little overtime
I tried my hardest to help you become a better person
and now you’re gone
not from this world
but from my world
you left me in a trance filled with questions of why I was never enough for you to change
My mind has become so numb now
my heart is still aching for answers to a person who wants nothing to do with me anymore
so with a heavy heart
and a numb mind
I came to a conclusion that you don’t miss me
but I do miss you

I wanted it so badly
I needed it within my reach
but you knew that already, didn't you?
the glory of knowledge
the power of wisdom in its truest form
the answers of what intelligence can uphold
this is what thrived me
but that feeling soon passed away
and went directly to you instead
with open arms you embraced it
you let it take control
while I watched in the side lines
this type of curiosity was consuming you
but you knew that already, didn't you?

It’s watching us
all of us
the eye of the sky looks upon us
as the sun and moon passes
the mighty eye decides which one of us will join it in the heavens
and it shall declare who shall decay underground with the company of maggots
awaiting for the arrival
everyday as we breathe in the air of life
the mighty eye shall open its hands out to the person or people who have reach the final stage of decomposition

I look up at the sky one day
staring into the raging sun
the mighty eye notices me and says
“don’t look into the sun or else your eyes will burn tragically”
I continue to stare into the sun effortlessly
my eyes started to water up quickly
but then I asked
“why is it that you can admire the sun, but I can’t without it hurting my vision”
the mighty eye says nothing back
“this isn’t real is it” I said
“now what makes you say that” the mighty eye responds with confusion
“well even though the sun is piercing through my pupils, the sky is declaring its midnight as we speak right now”
the mighty eye quickly blocks the sun and sets its gaze upon me
“I think it is time for you to wake up” the mighty eye whispers
suddenly and a jolt enters my body
then I wake up from my slumber
with sweat glued onto my face
I look at the sky through my window
the sky was still dark
and the raging sun has passed
yet I had a sudden feeling
that the mighty eye is still there
watching me

you saw it too right, right?
it stands there in the corner
carrying every burden that dwells within your body but doesn’t want to leave it
that thing in the corner
it presents your fears, guilt, and trauma
it’ll whisper about conflicts that will never leave your mind that’ll linger in the back of your thoughts
if you were to stare at it for a while
it might go away
but then it will resurface at the worst time
it can take so many forms as it manifests
sorrow, emptiness, that deep emotion that weeps inside your chest
that thing will continue to lurk in the background within the depths of your life
If you want to take it head on into a battle
and take that step forward
you’ll only be filled with reminders of what haunts your mind when taking a few steps
within that time you’ll start to rethink that maybe making peace with it will just be elusive
but I believe you can do it
you see it, don’t you?
it sits in the corner waiting for you
take those few steps forward
and look at it in the eyes
even if looks daunting and morbid
you can’t let it strangle you with the hands of your past
it may be struggling for you but confront it is the only way to reclaim your control
gain back that sense of peace that was lost
you know that it’s there, right?
so face it

Even though I am currently 15 years old
In my head I feel like I have already fulfilled my childhood
I had the "birds and bees" talk
before I could even learn how to tie my shoelaces correctly
My parents made me learn several things
to help me face the real-world challenges like taxes and bills
before I could even know the difference between
a fraction and a decimal
I have also learned how certain people in society view woman
in a disgusting and draining point of view
so, when I finally got my period
and my mother said "I'm finally becoming a woman"
I felt like my intestines was swirling inside my stomach
so ever since then
when I wake up in the morning and see myself through a reflection
I can sense changes flowing through my body
and it terrifies me to the fullest extent
but I know that I can't stop it
Aside from my body changing over time
my mind has also changed a little bit
before I saw the world in pastel colors
even though I knew the true intentions
of what our world is becoming from which we stand on
but now I see the world with cracked lenses
but my perspective of society is becoming clearer and distraught
I know that I'm young
and if you were to compare me with the people
I hang out with before and after
you would probably think to yourself
"Wow she is so mature for her age"
but sometimes I wish my childhood was in a slow pace
who knows maybe if I were to wake up tomorrow
I might become twice my age without realizing
and If I were to blink twice
then wrinkles will start to appear on my face

The one thing I'm starting to regret now
Is wishing to become older when I was so young
and when I do reach adulthood
I'll start wishing to be youthful again

Crying *****
but waiting to cry is the worse
my eyes will water up so quickly
and my mind will force me to wait
till my tears pour down my face
it’s like when you’re a little kid
and you’re watching the bubbles
rising up from the bathtub
and you’re just waiting for the bubbles to hit your chin and pop
But now when I try to contain myself
hold in my tears so they won’t explode
I can feel the tears wrapping around my lungs
strangling my throat tightly enough
so I can’t gasp for air
and even if I were to hold them in
for the entire day
When I finally reach to my bed
the tears will flow down my pillow
down to my bed sheets
then it’ll reach the floor
and my tears will fill up my room
slowly until it reaches my chin
but there is no bubbles when it happens
so I won’t hear a pop sound
but the sound of agony will echo
around my room
like a drained symphony

The worst part of crying in your bed
is not waking up seeing tears stains on your newly soaked up pillow
but rather going to the nearest mirror
and seeing tear burns appear again
when you thought they were gone for good

“If I had 9 lives I would spend each of them with you” you said in a cheesy voice
I giggled a little bit but then you asked if I were to have 9 lives what would I do with them
I sit back and think
I would probably say something like “I would try to not to spend my lives so easily as if they were currency”
but to be honest
I would spend each life as if it was its last
and when I do reach my last life
I’ll cherish it like it was my first

The mother was a dreamer
she dreamed of a future for her daughter to uphold
she dreamed of a reality so pure and bright that she herself was blinded at times
but her daughter didn’t dream of this
all she wanted to do was sleep
she wished to put herself to rest
so, her eyes could never be open
but shut closed
the mother dreamed for the moon to be her daughter's guide
and for the sun to be her guardian  
but the daughter did not want to see the moon or sun from above
she closes her eyes quickly every time their aura glances to her face
the mother wanted the best for her daughter
and the daughter wanted the worst thing to ever happened to her when she rests her head on the cold lifeless pillow
and that is to never wake up again
but the mother didn’t know that her daughter dreamt of that
for she was too busy daydreaming about a life her daughter and her can live with many years to come
but one day her daughter’s dream became true
and as the mother rest her head on the coffin she weeps and cries
with tears of disbelief
she shouts to sun and the moon
“Why can’t we dream forever but we can choose to sleep forever”

As time passes the mother’s dreams start to fade
and she too wanted to sleep

The sheep was innocent
their wool was made of soft pure cotton
and if you were brush your hand across it’s fluffy head
you’ll be hit with a angelic aroma
the wolf was born with a malicious sense
eyes were bloodshot red
ears twitching side to side
and it’s fur was thick and sharp like razors
the wolf was intoxicated from the sheep
it wanted to smear its prey and splatter its blood from were it stands
the sheepdog was a protector
Its knows the wolf’s true intentions with the sheep
and it didn’t want that to happen
it fended off to the wolf
growling and barking with all its might
the wolf will pounce on the sheepdog
revealing its claws that can cut the air with one swift and its fangs that are slick as a butcher’s knife
cuts, bites, bruises appear on the sheep dog’s body but it still stands it’s ground
howling and roaring so loud that the grass shook a bit little by little
the sheep was shaking and trembling behind the sheepdog
but as fights begin they also come to an end
with one last swing from the claws of the wolf
the sheepdog wobbles and collapsed as a sign of defeat
as the sheepdog watches the wolf devour the sheep ripping it to shreds
it’s started to close its eyes slowly
until the only thing it sees left is the color red

Do you remember the first time we met?
you probably haven’t but that’s alright
before we were strangers
we didn’t know anything about each other
and yet we lived in two separate worlds
It’s only when we started to have quick glances at each other when we crossed paths
is when our worlds collided into one big universe
first it was quick glances
then holding eye contact for a while
to then small talk that’ll last for a few minutes
and then finally we started walking the same direction and talking about anything that can keep us entertained for one another
but now we started to grow distant
and I really don’t know why
we used to be on the same path
but now we’re forced to take different directions
we still take quick glances at each other still
but I feel as our universe is starting to separate over time
and the only thing left now
is a nebula
and a supernova

every time I passed you in the hallways
and we lock eyes together
my pupils will grow bigger ten times more
but your pupils will stay the same
now when I bump into you
my pupils will dilate a bit
but your pupils will stay the same
before I was blinded with delusion
and now I finally snapped back into reality
I found out who you really are
so, when we met again
my pupils will shrink ten times more
but your pupils will stay the same

I’ll lit a match
and place the flame to my chest
so, when my skin burns
my weeping flesh rots
and my bones melt
you can take a small peek into my
heart
and see how much my heart beats
when I’m around you
because I would rather show you how much you affect me entirely
than just say it with my chivalry words

I was sitting in the bottomless pits of hell
staring up at the heavens
with rose tinted glasses
as angels hovered down from the heavens and placed their gentle hands onto my cheekbones
several hundred hands from the underworld holding me and pealing my flesh off in a slow steady pace
until the only thing left of me is my throbbing soul
But I wouldn’t know what I have now become until I get lifted towards the heavens
And see my rotting torso decay halfway down below

Today is the day
It is a special day for someone like me
I wake up and dress myself in my favorite color (which is orange)
went to have a delicious meal that satisfied my stomach
and then I continued my day with a smile on my face

Time passes
and I get a phone call from my lover
when I picked up the call
their voice sounded off
"I'm sorry..." she said with a wobbly voice
I assumed that she just forgot that today is my special day
"Aww it's ok, I knew you forgot but it's alright" I said cheerfully
"I want you to know that I still lo-" but then the phone line stopped

The evening came by quickly
and I knew what that the time has finally come
I'll finally obtain my special gift
and I'm excited to receive it soon
as I lay down in my bed
I hear a knock
and two men walked in and one of them told me "It's time to begin the special occasion" and I agree cheerfully
I walk with them to another room that had a glass wall between
I see my other loved ones behind the glass wall, and they were sitting down in chairs of rows and some of them were trying to avoid eye contact with me

There was one chair opposite of the glass wall
In my eyes, it was my throne
And when I sat down, I felt like a king
the two men stand next to me side by side
and one other man walked in with a piece of paper
the man looks at the paper and announced
"Today is the day where this man will put to rest once and for all
he is known for his horrendous crimes of several murders and will be put in the hands of death." he said

The two men strapped my hands onto my throne
and placed something on my head
I didn't know what rested on my head
but it felt like a crown to my name
one of them gripped onto a switch that was next to my throne
and then asked me
"Any last words ******?"
I looked forward into the crowd of faces of my loved ones
some of them had tears in their eyes
and some of them looked down to the ground
I look back at one of the men
and with a smile on my face, I said
"Thank you for giving me this gift"
I close my eyes
the switch goes off
and my special day comes into a shocking close

Nature is not your ally
she has nothing to do with one person’s actions or feelings
she didn’t ask for your permission
or rather yet your opinion
whether you love her flaws or not
you have to accept what she does
and that also concludes her final decision
for what she wants to become next

If I can just hold onto the life I have
inside the palm of my hands
and give it away to someone from the past or future who has something more important to live for
then I can end my day knowing that I have done something that will be worth it
But I guess for now
I’ll continue to cry to God one more time
and I'll beg to him one more time
to grant this life donation of mine
Because I can’t just continue running forward
knowing that there is someone else who should be running faster than I could ever run

I have one job
and that is to write your story
my wave of words can be put into long stanzas
I write about you until my hand cramps
and I’ll write until your image shines to the public eye
when your status reaches to the top
I’ll stay behind
I’ll stay behind to clean up the malicious mess that you didn’t want me to write about just so your status doesn’t crumble
you have said and done things that no other being can forgive you for
and I must cover it up with my words of propaganda
Because you would rather want people see your “pure” heart
and not your shallow soul

Their is no just thing as
the “best” revenge
same thing goes for the “worst” revenge
revenge is still revenge
All we can do is hope that we don’t become the person who has brought damage upon during the past or present
So instead of relying on revenge to do us justice
let karma do it’s work for you

I’m self aware
And yet my brain sometimes leaves me in a unconscious state of mind
I have seen my wrongdoings played out before and it was not a pretty sight
But I also felt like some wrongdoings of mine have caused damage to my life and it’ll only be too late for me to realize it later on
I have become a judge of my actions
And a witness of what was played out

From the beginning
I have defended you from the very start
but you turned me into a clown at the end

Because of you
my shield turned into sinking balloons
the helmet that I wear melted like paint
and clown makeup is smeared on my face
my chivalry armor collapses to the ground
and a big colorful jumpsuit raps around my body from my neck to feet
the big metallic boots that I once wore
morphed into a big bright rubber shoes that squeak so loudly when I walk
and a big bow tie ways down my neck
leaving me in a hunchback posture

I couldn’t believe what I had became and it is all because of the sick twisted lies that you made me believe in

“Nothing you do is awkward
or corny or even cheesy at most
everyone is brought to this earth
to have a great time
and expressing themselves to the fullest
not to worry about the opinion of the person next to them” she told me with a warm smile

I looked up at her for a second
And then realized why I enjoyed her presence

I’ll walk to your house
At the middle of the night
With a ladder in my hand
When I reached to your window
I’ll set the ladder down gently
And crawl up to your window
I’ll knock on your window shield
And wait until I see a light turned on

I’ll see you open the window
And I’ll get to your angelic face
As I sit on the side of your window
I’ll watch you talk for hours on everything
You’ll tell me about your day
Your friends who you love dearly
How much you hate your family dinners
And tell me about moving away from here
And I’ll try to think of what to say to you that wouldn’t sound embarrassing
We’ll stay with our eyes locked on for each other
You reached your face closer to mine and I’ll do the same with my eyes closed

Until I hear a knock on your bedroom door
You’ll quickly off your lights
And I’ll quickly position myself to crawl down from the window
But before I head down
You’ll tell me to perk my head up
Before I could even say “why?”
you’ll kiss my forehead
And tell me goodbye

I’ll crawl down the ladder
And when I reach the ground
I’ll make a run for it  
Running with the smile you gave me that angelic night

Keep your soft soul
it’s very delicate and pure
Stay gentle with yourself so you don’t feel pain when going through guilt
Remain kind to people who have done you right in life
And most importantly
don’t let the ugly truth of the future
make you feel bitter in the present

For I have discovered how our future looks and now my eyes feel deceived

Even though I’m smart enough to understand many things
I absolutely love to act dumb sometimes
It helps me see people’s real motives, intentions, and personal values when they are alone with me
It’s like playing a game of who slips their words up the most
Whoever loses gets to be seen as who they really are in the inside
And I’ve never lost once

It’s kinda funny
How some people would consider themselves “grownups”
Until it is time to
Communicate
Apologize for their actions
Accept accountability
Or rather yet just tell the truth
It’s only then their “grown” selves would release a childlike tantrum
And play the victim cover up their childish crimes

It’s somewhat ironic to know that no one likes to admit that their wrong at times

When it comes to expressing myself
I am incapable of doing so
If you were to tell me to describe how I feel today
In a expressive manner
You would just end up feeling disappointed in the ending result
Because in my definition emotions are just a bunch of puzzle pieces inside my head
describing those emotions is impossible for me to comprehend
I can’t tell you if I’m happy
Sad
Mad
Or even terrified
But I do hope one day
you’ll understand how I feel
without me trying to jumble my words around trying to find you the right answer

When I lay down on my bed
With my eyes glued to the ceiling
I can sense his presence near
He lurks around my room
And he won’t go away
His body is a shadow
But his eyes are bloodshot red
He wear's a long trench coat that reaches to the ground
And has a fedora on his head
As I tilt my head to the side
I can see him stop in place
He stares at me immediately
We stayed staring at each other for a while
Until he slowly disappears like smoke
I tilt my head back to the ceiling
What was running through my head was that he didn’t try to harm me and I’m glad
But knowing that this wasn’t the first time he showed up at nights like this
I wonder when he’ll stop appearing again

Someone once told me
where do I see myself in the next 10 years
and I told them
that I'll either become a billionaire
covered with riches and thousands of dollars
mesmerized by other ****** wealthy people
or
become a member of a random cult
mesmerized by a theory that a snob has put inside my head
and covered with a "good outcome " and "safety from the cruel society "

it was either during middle school or junior high school
honestly, I can't remember
my English teacher told us to write a poem
didn't matter if it was long as a railroad station
or short as a pathway shortcut
"Just write" she said
she gives me a piece of paper and pencil
and told me a few examples that I can use for my first poem
but one example sparked my interest
"You can write about your favorite color" she said
so, with that in mind I start to begin writing
I wrote about the color blue
and things that have that color in it:
the sky
ocean waves
blueberry muffins
blue jays
sadness and sorrow
depression and numbness
the pain of being found guilty
the feeling of emptiness
being left alone
and showing signs of loneliness

I went on and on until my fragile hand started to cramp
but when I reached the end of my poem
I realized something very peculiar
blue wasn't my favorite color
yet I had presented blue in a way far more than just a “primary” color
When I submitted it to my teacher
she said that she loved it and gave me a good grade
later, when I got my paper back
I reread it a few times
crumbled it up to a ball
and chucked it into the nearest trash can
hoping that no one would find it

If all the negativity that is stored inside of me was in a form of an object...
It would be as big as a window frame
and it would be shaped as a spiral that floats around my head to my shoulders
if it was a color it would be a light baby blue that'll also glow in the dark
I shall name it "  "
and the only thought that " " would probably be thinking right now is "Why am I like this"
"  " can take as many forms as it desires
and to be honest I don't like it most of the time
it'll always hover around me during the worst times and even during my happiest moments in life
I don't know if "  " despises me the way I despise it
but since it had been stuck to me for the longest of times
I'm slowly starting to get used to it