I was care free with you
I knew that if anything went wrong
I would be okay
by you

I remember when we planned that trip to the beach
We never thought to check the weather
You and I laughed so hard as it started pouring down rain
I was fine without an umbrella just laying there with you

I am so careful now
I once had everything and lost it all at once
I even carry an umbrella with me on the sunniest days

If I could turn back time
To correct what was wrong
And give my life a chance
To redemption and atonement

If I could turn back time
To ease the scars of my childhood
To wipe my  tears as they fall down
To save my laughs for bitter moments

To correct mine and their frustrations
To fill in broken expectations
To be the child you want me to be
To be the perfect son you crave with glee

If only I could...but I could not
Even if I try I still fail
So hard and yet so easy
A moment of my total despair

If only I could...but I could not
I could not ease my scars and the pain
Every  night as I scream for help
As my sister cries in a corner

I could not wipe my tears and snot
As my father strikes my mother's poor face
I could not turn back time
To stop my revelry and anarchy

I cannot be the one you want
The son you oh so dearly wanted
The child you ought to be the prodigy
The one to lead the future as you see

I have been stained by time
Fate made me weak and crumbling
My face a distorted angel's in anguish
My voice ever cracking when I speak

My bitter sweet past...
If I look back at you now
I would smile bitterly with sorrow
And wish that if I could...I'll change my fate

But...The Wheel of Fate Just Crushed Us All

You were
the last
person I thought
would leave...

But you've closed
the door behind
you.

And I'm left holding the key.

(-DF-07/31/16-)

You'll never know how much I wish that you could glance at the person in the mirror and see all the beautiful little things about yourself. Your tiny little freckles or the adorable way your nose crinkles up when you're confused. The way your eyes twinkle like stars in the night sky when you speak with passion about the things you love. Your dimples when you're smiling with out even thinking about it or your laugh that is so captivating. The way your inner beauty radiates off of you, even when you're sporting a messy bun and sweats. God I just wish you could look in the mirror and fall in love with yourself instead of seeing everything about you that you hate. But, all you see is a face full of acne scars, eyebrows that aren't quite perfect enough, a nose that's just a little too big, and dark circles under your eyes because your late night thoughts kept you from sleeping  again. You hate yourself so much that you turn away from the mirror. You don't love yourself, so you can understand why no one else would either, and I think that's truly the most heartbreaking thing. And, maybe the hardest person to love is yourself, but darling I'm begging you to atleast try.
*- yourself

You just want him because he doesn't want you.
What's the real difference between the two,
besides the fact that I tried and he doesn't want to.
On paper we put the same weight on the table, but
in your eyes his coating shines brighter than mine. It's like
a triangle who's legs can't connect, like a
parallel universe where lines intersect, but they
Never touch.
We can't get that intimate, you see,
we all know pain from the past, and the
lasting effect that vibrations leave when your
feelings grow too fast, and it
crashes and burns.
Back to dust, now I recognize what must have always been,
but another illusion woven on loves whim.

We tell each other "i love you" repeatedly,
maybe because a single i love you is not enough to express what we really feel.
Maybe our love for each other is too overwhelming to be defined by a single i love you.
But as i read my favorite poems, i stumbled upon one saying if we repeat something over and over again it'll lose its meaning.
Now im afraid to say i love you over and over again.
It might make you get used to it and make it lose its meaning to you.
How do i tell you i love you if saying "i love you" dont mean anything at all?

Growing up too fast wasnt something i chose, but it marked a defining point of my childhood despite not being 18. I lost my innocence the day i realized that the pretty words a boy will tell you are a dagger in disguise. I lost my innocence the day i let my reputation define me, but adults will still say "You dont even know how bad life can get yet, all you have to do is go to school." What they dont know is that in school, they may teach you how to read and write. In school they taught me how to recite plays and taught me how to multiply 10 times 8, but they didnt teach me how to stop loving someone who doesnt love you anymore. They dont teach you how to deal with a goodbye you never received. In school they dont teach you that your friends will turn their back on you if its the cool thing to do, they dont teach you about how a boys kiss can taste better than Prozac. In school they dont teach you that alcohol makes as many problems as it solves but man does it feel good to let your throat burn for a split second rather than deal with the aching pain in your heart and the problems in your head that you couldnt solve. they teach that arithmetic and english are the main things to learn in life but life isnt 10 times 8 and life isnt this beautiful picture that artists paint. Life is the nights you lie awake at 16 missing a boy who you gave everything to. Life is the pain in your eyes that says Im fine when you know that isnt true. So maybe you are right, maybe i dont have to pay bills or deal with the "adult" world, but ive learned more about life in my 16 years of ages than some adults ever will.

Who would ever think I would fall in love?
Who would ever think someone would be genuinely intrigued by me?
Who would ever think someone would fall in love with me?
Who would ever think someone would ask me to marry them?
Who would ever think my life would change overnight?
Who would ever think I would be so happy?
Who would ever think I would be so happy by waking up every morning?
Who would ever think I would love each and every day?
Who would ever think?

As a young girl, I paid attention
I knew what happened behind closed doors
It was horrid.
I recall nights of sickness
Inhaling your mistakes into my tiny lungs
And kids didn't want to sit with me at snack time
Because I reeked of regret.
And now, years later
When you found my bag of ***
How could you be surprised?
How could you be shocked
That your daughter, now sixteen
Picked up the same habits you practiced
Her entire life?
Because that burning feeling in my throat
Mixed with cool fall air and sadness
Was my ultimate high.
Because this was easier than dragging a sharp blade
Across my arm to bring some sort of
Non-existent relief.
It was better to escape to somewhere else
Where my problems were small
And I was free.
And when you asked me where I got it
How could you be even the tiniest bit surprised
When you heard that my answer was,
"From your stash"?