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Arpitha Jun 21
Heart racing
Limbs shaking
Ears throbbing
Stomach revolting
How do I just calm down
And stop thinking of it
When all I can think is what if

I can’t breathe
I can’t stay at ease
I can’t just let things go
Because anxiety won’t let go of me

I stop talking to everyone
I stop going out
Maybe it’ll make me feel better
But anxiety is getting the better of me

I’m losing control
Why can’t you see it
Maybe it’s just in my head
But why does that make it unreal

I am but just a slave to my anxiety
And I just can’t get free.
Art
Arpitha Jul 7
Art
Medley of patterns
Flow onto the paper
Sorting through the mess
That is my head

Colors dance on the sheet
Never skipping a beat
Both Performing for me
And speaking for me

Feelings reborn in hues
Color and colourless
Let them flow
Together let’s grow
I love drawing mandalas
Arpitha Jun 20
White canvas
Black lines
No space for color

White is too bright
Black is not dark enough
Oscillate between the two
Less towards the light
And more towards the dark.
Arpitha 6d
Thoughts keep running in my head
Never getting tired
Obsessive and  despairing
Scarring and impairing
Just when I think I can’t go any lower
I get buried one more foot under
Arpitha Jun 19
Clouds roll in
Dark and scary
Threaten to push me under
Ask them to come join me
Arpitha Jun 23
My mom worried about me
She wanted me to join a club
Make some friends
Relax and have some fun

Look ma, I finally joined one
It convenes at 3 AM
Every single day

All my friends are here-
Anxiety depression and trauma
Having a party in my head
Arpitha Jun 21
I don’t remember anymore
How it feels to not be this way
Maybe this is how I’ve always been
Maybe this is how I’ll always be.
Arpitha Jul 10
Let the pen flow
breaking the skin
Ink and blood mix
Stopping the pounding
of my head and heart
Oh, sweet sense of relief!
Arpitha Jun 30
I listen to pink floyd when I’m happy
Trust me, you don’t want to know what I listen to when I’m sad

I talk to all my friends when I’m happy
But it’s only my demons that keep me company when I’m sad

I take pictures of my life when I’m happy
And I delete them all when I’m sad

My heart skips a beat when I’m happy
But It makes sure to catch up when I’m sad

My mind bursts with dreams when I’m happy
Replacing them all with nightmares when I’m sad

I feel all the love in the world when I’m happy
Oh why can’t I see it when I’m sad

You see, I write poems only when I’m sad
Because I’m way too busy dancing when I’m not
Arpitha Jul 9
Where do I go
When I want to go home
While I am at home
Where is home?
Arpitha Jun 25
I wonder what it’s like
To have a peaceful night’s sleep
To not be scared of the silence
To not be terrified of the clock ticking
My eyes burn with no respite
As I write poems at night
Maybe if I empty my mind
I will finally be able to unwind
My demons laugh at me
They will not let me be
I’m losing my will to continue living
As I lie on my bed writhing.
Arpitha Jul 18
I’d much rather believe
That you don’t see me
Than worry that
You do and choose not to
Arpitha Jul 6
Nature, art and poetry
My only three needs
Bringing colours to life
Meaning to words
To be understood
only after long gone
Arpitha 6d
It’s the middle of the night
I wake up from fear, yet again
The monsters now live in my head
No longer hiding under the bed
Arpitha Jul 4
I never posted any of my poems
thought people would worry
I went ahead and posted one today
Turns out no one cared anyway
I posted one of my poems on my instagram story and no one asked if I was okay.
Arpitha Jul 15
Relate (v) :To make connection
I don’t relate anymore
My oldest girl friends
Are Having kids and building family
But All I really want to do
Is just get through the day
I joined a discord server
A safe space for women to talk
But I can’t get myself
To tell them how not okay I am
Everyone in this world
Seem to be on a different frequency
Try hard as I might
I just can’t get it right
It sometimes felt like I almost did
But then they went and changed it instead.
I feel so out of place among people.
Sad
Arpitha Jun 26
Sad
Someday, maybe just someday
I will no longer be sad
I hope it will be in this life
And not in my next
Arpitha 6d
They say the first step to healing
Is loving yourself
I guess I’ve lost the battle
Before it could even begin
Arpitha Jul 2
If you think noise is loud
You haven’t been around silence enough
Arpitha Jul 18
I remain silent
So I can hear the voice in my head
Telling me to remain silent
Arpitha Jul 15
It’s 12 am
The struggle is just beginning
I toss and turn
If I can locate the right spot
Maybe I’ll finally fall asleep

It’s 1 am
Music pours into my ears
I try to get swept away
If I can find the right lullaby
Maybe I’ll finally fall asleep

It’s 2 am
Thoughts race in my head
Going over every mistake
If I can think of the perfect scenario
Maybe I’ll finally fall asleep

It’s 3 am
A sitcom plays in the background
I listen to the fake laughter
If I come across something comforting
Maybe I’ll finally fall asleep

It’s 8 am
I don’t know know what time I slept
But I know it is the time
To get up and go to work
And pretend everything’s okay.
Arpitha Jul 15
I wander through the mall alone
Listening to pink floyd on my phone
I go to a café to have some beer
Seeing me alone they all sneer
I take a selfie in a pretty mirror
Such a sad life, I hear them whisper
I try on some clothes unaware
That I never usually go anywhere
But there’s something about today
For the first time I don’t feel dismay
I don’t have anxiety about being out
No, not even a tiny amount!!
I’m happy and I don’t feel lonely
Even though it’s just for a day only.
I went to the mall last weekend alone and I just had a good time!
Arpitha Jun 24
Black and withered
Condemned to hell
Nothing to care for
Nobody to live for

Lost beyond redemption
Charred beyond recognition
Pile of broken bones
Leaving behind a trail of discarded hopes

Soulless spirit
Wandering the earth
Darkness the only friend
Death the only end
Arpitha Jul 8
I know I told I didn’t want to go out
But the truth is I could not
I want to scream at the top of my voice
The knot in my throat doesn’t give me that choice
My heart beats a million miles a minute
It’s almost funny that I worry it will suddenly not
They say all I need to do is ******* breathe
I’m already doing that, more than I should
It is said that it’s always good to be prepared
Trust me, there’s not a single what if I’ve missed
The sound of a raised voice leaves me spiralling
Unfortunately that voice is always in my head
I have completely withdrawn from the world
Everyday in my bed I lay curled
It seems to have made a home in me
This thing, that no one can see
It continues to tear me apart bit my bit
And I just let it, without even putting up a fight
Just give me the magic pill
To make it go away
Before I get too comfortable
Being this way
Arpitha Jul 10
My thoughts weaved a web
And ensnared me step by step
They have become me
Or have I become them?
Arpitha 3d
Foggy and drowsy
I live like a zombie
How do I choose
between the devil and the deep sea?
To be burnt out due to no sleep
or to be weary from too much??
Taking medication for insomnia and I am not really sure which is better, taking or not taking.

— The End —