it was not a slamming
but a steady slow
easing closed
the door

quick catch of breath -
not as much as
a deeply drunk
savored gasp

like after a race
hands on thighs bent
******* in air
too quick

until remembered
to take is slow
and pull in that first deep
balmy breath

to take it slow speaks
of patience and of time
less filled with doubt
or regret

take comfort then
I took my time to measure out
feel the weight in my hand
of waiting

of giving you time to
slow down turn around
and see that the door
was closing

I waited there threshold shrinking
pleading silent looks for you
to stop before it shut
and died

but eyes are not accustomed
to look for or perceive
the colors of pain painted
in another

or to catch the dying glimmer
through the cracks of a heart breaking
as it eases closed
the door

I'm told I should want
to be a saint but I don't
because I'm wicked

Why paint the town white
when red is much more like it
the color of sin

What makes it a sin?
because you don't understand?
or it leaves a stain?

Just a brush of red
tells you just how I like it
and where I want it

Splash it here and there
color me bad and tell me
I'm going to hell

Among coal and fire
surrounded by souls like mine
I'm in good company

What could be better
than floating on clouds of white?
Dancing in red fire

So no - I don't want
to be a saint because I
love being wicked

Red suits me better anyway

to do the right thing for
the wrong reason or

to do the wrong thing for
the right one

Eternity speaks
will not be silenced
by shatter of glass nor falling rain

Eternity sees
will not be blinded
by flash of light nor midnight blackness

Eternity hears
will not be deafened
by screech of tire nor mourning's cry

Each fading pulse drops as rain on Eternity's Ear

Eternity waits
as I continue by
driving on to life undeserved

Eternity listens
to my stolen beats of heart
and borrowed years

while there, in that timeless place,
for two hearts now silent
Eternity sings

there you go again
acting out as on a stage
your endless pantomime
of all the faces you've seen
on others
do you know who you are?
or are you content with being
just a series of impressions
of your impressions
of other people?

She rattles her cage
deep inside
where I hid her
so you could not touch her

This outer part,
this shell, this facade
is all you have
but not the real me

She is mine
and I am hers
the door is shut but I forgot
to turn the lock

Only a matter of time
before she busts out
to tear your world apart
and burn it down

In childhood days
we thought we could remain
forever youthful and vibrant
that we would stay the same

Summer evenings
lingered longer then
as we chased through the wood
our golden-fire friends

Never did we dream
of farewells or goodbyes
our futures vast and open
as summer starry skies

Autumn came and
stole away those nights
our ageless innocence dissipating
as misty clouds from sight

No longer would we share
a child's purity of view
summer left us and with her
our memories of youth

To where do they go, our memories
of times together framed,
of moments past so long forgotten
when we were still the same?

What turn did you take?
Where did your step go astray
that led you down a path so far
from simple summer days?

Yet you found the way to remain,
frozen as winter's crystal breath,
timeless now and infinite
your youth cloaked in death.

Another autumn night drifts by
years adding onto mine
while you, in the vastness of the sky,
awake an ageless twenty-nine.

Pick up your Markings
discover that reading you
is meeting me

A heart cleaved open
by thoughts never spoken yet
I know them as mine

How can this be when
penned and inked long before I
was even an I

Here they are, speaking
words never written yet known
as carved on my heart

These words resonate
pulsing out, low and long as
water on the shore

Washing over Time
one voice drawn from two strings
as Rilke had said

As is you and I
with one voice burning with words
that transcend all time

Thanks for the giving
back of my words which I spoke
long before I was

And for your markings
guiding me along the path
to the Meeting Place

Where you and I are
one voice drawn from two strings
in Eternal Hands

if you weren't going to stay
why did you ask me for it
to give you my heart

just to take it in hand
pressing out all my love
and rip it open

leaving behind you a
trail of blood and me with
a fist shaped wound

when you said I could
trust you i didn't know you meant
until i shouldn't

when you said you'd love me
forever i didn't know you meant
only until Tuesday

I sit alone and count the hours
numbered as nothing - nowhere
an endless trail of strangled minutes
wrenched from my fingers

I drink alone the lifeless hours
swirled along the drain of time
a rushing draught drunk as worthless
wrung from my fingers

Alone I watch the wakeful hours
mocking as sleepless I lie
whispers of slumber mine to grasp
drift through my fingers

I am alone in crowded hours
confined, conformed on all sides
until all the colors of my self
drain from my fingers

Who is she, I who am alone?
Once I knew - I thought I knew
now I'm told she is not me, she's
pried from my fingers

I sit alone and feel the hours
numbered as nothing - no one
these hours of dying, they say are sweetness
but how the hour lingers

all along I thought you
hated me enough
to hurt me

but all along you didn't
love me enough
to want to

A name I cannot speak
a scottish graveled path
phantom like rises
in misty memory
of a memory never lived
only in heart, in possibilities
signed away upon an altar
To bury you -
never born nor even borne
leaving a hollowness
where you could have been -
in soil though fertile
never to nourish the seedling
of you of me
which I signed away upon an altar
dying this deathless death
parts of me, facets
shimmering through
an open window like
being a bearer
of one whose name I cannot speak
the graveled scottish path
winding round a splintered heart
under which you never nestled
under which the fruit
of you never hung
down heavy low
yet I know the weight of you
I feel them all
these touches of you
who never was
whose name I cannot speak
my scottish graveled path
whom I signed away upon an altar

I built my self
a windowless room
so I could see the world
traveling further
                       down
           down
down
into myself
to grasp a universe

I am the dark side of the moon
Isolated
               Solitary
                              Alone
On my Shadow Side
               release is found for
                                   all the shades of my soul
No one I need answer to
                I make all the rules
                                    and break every one
Laugh with abandon
                drink until every limb is numb
                                     and the pain dissolves
Smoke cigars until
                 the haze makes me dizzy
                                      and dance to no music at all
Here in my Shadow Side
                  where no light can touch me, I drift
                                      through the smooth velvet of night
stepping on stars

My agony is seeing you
in agony
not knowing if it's the same
as mine
of missing you
of mourning you
of trying to forget
the reasons why i loved you
This ache of mine
leaves me breathless
a shallow choking sound
escapes
and I fight it
this need to go to you
to tell you
"I forget -
it's all over"
But it is all over
and forgetting is never
forgiving when
the remembering
breaks over me again
and the aching agony
of you returns
to steal my breath