white spider
black cotton
we’re in your home now

grey squirrel
heather polyester
we’re under your home now

blue bird
blue jeans
we’re just visiting

my room no longer feels like my own
boxes are strewn across the floor
but i can’t get myself to unpack them
because this just feels like a visit
only a stop along the way

everything is temporary

maybe that’s why i can’t empty everything out this time around
because my fear is that
this time
it is permanent

i’m sitting scrolling through Instagram taking a 5 minute brain break from my grad class work
about urban education policy which breaks my heart
because education policy and initiatives in urban school districts don’t take into account
poverty
unsafe living conditions
mom working 3 jobs just to put food on the table and keep the lights on
violence
drugs
all of which are exacerbated by the pandemic we’re in right now

all i need is 5 minutes to escape from that
but as i scroll
all i can see is
******
death
sadness
rage

another unarmed back man was murdered by white cops
another cry of “i can’t breathe”
another child died of starvation
another plane crashed
another trans woman of color was murdered
another kid committed suicide
another animal was shot so someone could have bacon for breakfast
another black man was harassed by a white woman while birdwatching in the park
another woman was beaten by her husband while quarantined together

all i need is 5 minutes
to escape the
******
death
sadness
rage
that’s everywhere

i’m just tired
everything i’ve seen today has broken my heart
everything i saw yesterday broke my heart
and the day before that
and the day before that
and the day before that

how can i help make change if i’m so **** tired all the time?

4pm cold brew always seems like a good idea at the time
on top of the world
senses are heightened
cat-like reflexes are activated
spidey senses are tingling
colors have taste

but that 4pm cold brew turns into 2am anxiety and overthinking
mind running in every position on all of the the 4x1 teams at states
“if only i hadn’t said that”
“what if i just gave them what they wanted?”
2 turns to 3
(tears slowly stream down temples; eyes glued to tracing patterns in the ceiling)
3 turns to 4
“where did i go wrong?”
and so on
finally the sky turns purple
eyes close
crows caw
the sun is here to say “hey”
(eyeballs burn under closed lids; jaw clenches)
time to start your day

i never really thought an almost stranger’s second floor apartment could make me feel at ease

it was a houseful that night but even after almost everyone with a long drive home left
it still felt ***** even though i barely knew anyone who stayed
if it were anywhere else
i would have stayed bottled up all night
and left when they did
even though i live ten minutes away
but something about that place
and the almost stranger who calls it home
made me feel more comfortable than i have since coming to this new place

not even my space feels like that

i has a dream i was running
feet pounding on the ground
(left
right
left
right)
breathing just hard enough to be uncomfortable
(in
out
in
out
in
out)
arms hanging low
swinging just enough to help propel me forward

i felt so free
striding down the road and onto the trail
dodging roots and rocks
jumping over fallen trees
soaring down hills
flying across the woods

i felt so free
just the earth and me

waking up alone is something i never thought i would experience
but
it happened

we stayed up talking on my futon until 2am
but neither of us realized the time because we were laughing more than i think we both laughed in a long time
and you told me to stay with you on my ****** futon for those few hours before the sun came up
but i made up a ******* excuse about not being able to sleep outside of my own bed
probably because i didn’t want to let myself feel what i knew was real
what you told me just minutes before we kissed to see if we felt anything
and ******* i felt something

i wouldn’t have kissed back if i didn’t

i should have stayed with you on the futon
maybe i would’ve slept
maybe i wouldn’t have woken up alone
with just a note on the futon

choose love
and joy
and happiness
and love
and hope
and love
and joy
and hope
and love
and love
and
love
and

love

i just really need to kiss someone
feel that thrill
and excitement
of what could come next

i just really need to cuddle with someone
feel the closeness
and intimacy
of being close to another person

i just really need to hug someone
feel that comfort
and relief
of having someone else’s arms around me

i just really need to be close to someone
just to feel another person
that physical feeling of touching another human being

no strings attached

i love snow days
sleeping in,
a pancake breakfast (or brunch),
working in my pajamas,
watching the quiet and still world out the window
nothing beats a snow day

until you have 3 of them over the course of a week or so (with a weekend in between) and you live alone

then i start to feel like jack torrence

some days i truly believe i’m doing better
but something always happens
when i’m getting close to someone
sharing the intimate details of my life
my story
my shortcomings
my “trauma”
(god i hate that word
that word is reserved for those who went through truly horrible things
but not me
because it wasn’t bad in my head
though i’m learning that there are some pieces missing when i talk to her about what happened)

i can’t get close to people like i could before you infiltrated my life and grew like a slow-moving cancer
constantly there even when there are no symptoms
(god there’s that word again. “cancer.” that ugly
vile
word only reserved for the worst of the worst
that word that made last year the worst year of my life
maybe it was the lack of that word that made it
i don’t know
but i hope that’s what you get
something slow
but hard to treat
i want you to feel what it’s like to feel your insides being ripped apart
feel the sickness
and pain
that i felt.
god i hate myself for saying that
rage clouds the corners of my vision and oftentimes becomes blinding
yet i am stuck
stuck between the feelings of rage and mercy
so diametrically opposed
and different
but i guess somewhere deep down i remember that you’re a human being
but
you are a monster
you preyed on my innocence and naïveté and optimism
and i couldn’t take off my rose colored glasses to see your true form until the damage was done
you had no business with me or getting close to me
or taking me


but i digress

oh honey, you have no idea what’s in store for you this year
you start your 21st lap around the sun surrounded by the people you love the most - your family, your boyfriend, and a handful of friends - you’re missing some but you think it’s okay (it’s not)

you’ve started your senior year of college, which you know will be stressful, but also fun because you love college

late summer gives way to early fall
fall ends and winter comes barreling in at full force which is strange because it was a mild winter that year

oh baby, there’s a blizzard coming and you can’t see it because you haven’t checked the weather in days
but maybe you can see the clouds start to change and the air turns crisp and breathing it in hits your nose like a thousand tiny needles
all of a sudden you open your eyes and you are trying to outrun an avalanche that’s faster than Country House during the Kentucky Derby that year

oh baby, you think you can outrun that avalanche but it buries you deep until the early spring sun melts it away
but that spring sun gives way to showers that seem endless
but once the rainy season ends, summer starts to show herself and you start to thrive off her warmth
you graduate with honors surrounded by some of your closest friends, colleagues, compatriots
yet, you still can’t shake the feeling that it’s all a facade because you see the leaves turn that way they do before a big storm comes
and it does
it brings monsoons and an earthquake so big it threatened to swallow you whole
but you hung in there, baby
you hung on until your fingers began to break and your arms started to give in
and you kept reaching for someone to grab on and screamed yourself horse
until
someone came for you
and another person came for you
and another
and another
and another
until they formed a human chain strong enough for you to pull yourself up and get your feet back on the ground
they surrounded you and helped you build a fortress so mighty nobody could ever get in all while they stood guard at all hours
all you had to do was ask for help

that summer sun beat down on you so hard it burned your skin but you grew
you planted your roots
and you were watered by those standing guard
eventually you were strong enough to be transplanted to a bigger ***
but this time, you’re solo
but those who stood guard are never far away

summer has changed to fall and fall will change to winter and winter to spring
there will be storms
there may be some tremors
but you will survive
and you will grow
and you will live every single day because being alive and breathing allow you to experience everything life has to offer
what a joy to be alive, to breathe

so
21 ends
22 begins

what do you say in a letter to 22 year old me?
as year 22 begins,
remember
you are strong
you are important
you will love yourself first
you will  put yourself first
you will to seize every opportunity that comes your way
you made the right decision
you’re doing this for all the right reasons

i think i’m going to like 22

i wish so desperately to find solace in
You
i want to believe in You wholeheartedly
but for some reason
i cannot
i was raised to follow You and believe in
You
but i feel You have left me in the dark
i am trying to see Your light through the forest
but i cannot
i don't feel Your love the way i once did
You don't touch me the way You used to as i kneeled before You on sundays
i know You are real and the Son is real
but i am having a hard time understanding why i am here
and why my prayers have gone unanswered
You have a purpose for me
but what is it?

hey, god
it's me.

are you even there?
because i feel like i've been leaving voicemails in a long lost friends mailbox and never receiving a call back
and now i cannot leave anymore because it is full  

do you even hear me?
i've been screaming my prayers for a long time now and
i
am
getting
desperate
i just want some of your guidence
please
help me navigate through the stormy waters i am going to be swallowed up in

do you even know me?
i am one of your children
yet i feel left behind
like the lost sheep matthew and luke spoke of
but nobody is coming to find me

is it because i don't go to church on sunday?
is it because i don't read the bible?
is it because i don't know the stories by heart?
what is it?
please.
i am lost and i don't think i will be found this time

please
give me some guidence
show me your face
just give me something so i can make it through to see the sun rise tomorrow

lately
i have had the drive to write
but
the words are not coming

what do children do?
they play

see
adults do not and oftentimes they are disinterested and annoyed by children at play
their joyous cries and screams and laughter that fill the air around the playground are just annoyances
the real games of pretend they play are lost to adult onlookers
but maybe as we age we can no longer see the dragon guarding the princess's tower
or
the jungle that is the monkey bars
now all we see is a landing at the top of the ladder leading to the slides and metal monkey bars with chipping paint
the secret language they communicate with was once something we could comprehend but now it is just incoherent babbling  

play is something we would do with reckless abandon
spending hours outside with friends, siblings, cousins, or solo
creating these fantasy worlds in every corner of the schoolyard
using sidewalk chalk to draw neighborhoods for ants crawling across the blacktop

sometimes we just need to let go and try to salvage any pieces of our imagination in order to escape from the stress of the office or the bills that are more than expected
sometimes we have to escape back into that child-like mindset in which the world is your playground
a mindset in which the world is what you make it
not what it makes you

so next time you pass a playground or schoolyard
roll down your windows and listen to the language of play
take a minute to remember that you were once one of those children

next time a child asks you if you want to play
play with them
rediscover the world with the sense of wonder you once had

don't be afraid to play

last spring
i was somewhat happy
you kissed me on a street corner after we spent the day drinking coffee and beach combing
then you tried to push my boundaries in your car in a random parking lot
but i wouldn't let you.
then things were okay
and shortly thereafter we put a label on it
then you met my parents.

this time last year
i was waiting for a text that i never received
i was waiting for a call back but the phone never rang
i had never been so hurt before
you planted roots in my heart and my brain, though retrospectively i realize they were superficial at best

it has been over a year since that day
and i still wonder why you ended things in such a cowardly way
was it because i wouldn't let you touch me?
was it because i didn't want to be just friends? or just benefits?

since then
i discovered it takes incredible strength to put myself back together
but just a few simple words to tear my world apart
i let myself be played and taken advantage of because after you, that's what I thought i deserved

last year i lost sight of everything
i lost my love for life

it's like i have it all
good grades, a job, a roof over my head, a family who loves me, a boyfriend who i love more than life itself - a feeling that is reciprocated tenfold.

yet

i feel the shadow of an emptiness that i can't seem to fill
the remnants of a sadness that was once so profound still linger in my consciousness and
although small
are mighty
they are capable of eating me alive and my soul drowns in their waters
i feel as if i don't deserve the good i have
i feel as if i don't deserve the love that is given to me
i thank the powers that be for everything that i have
yet
if i say this out loud
i think i seem ungrateful

it's the little things about you that make me happy like the little indentation on your chin and the stubble on your cheeks that tickles mine each time i kiss you.
it's your hair. the way it's short and smooth on the sides but long and soft on top. it's just long enough for me to run my fingers through but not so long where it gets tangled and coarse.
i want to wake up and feel that under my fingers every single morning and every night before i go to sleep curled up by your side.
it's your eyes. those piercing blue eyes which on some days are bluer than the sky.
it's the tip of your nose. perfectly pointed and shaped as if it was meant for mine to fit next to it when we kiss.    
it's the way you open the car door for me every single time, making sure to kiss me before I sit in your passenger seat.
it's the way you hold my hand. your hands are always warm and mine always cold but when they intertwine the cold disappears. it's a perfect fit.
it's the way you laugh at the most random times and things. it's the laugh that sneaks up on you and catches you off guard to the point where you're doubled over with tears streaming down your face. it's the laugh that warms my heart and soul.
it's the way we can communicate using solely pop culture references. laughing for hours on end about that joke or video you saw online today or last year and having entire conversations using only phrases from vines.
it's the little things about you that stick in my head and make me smile a little bit when we're apart.
it's the little things that make you
you
the you that i fell in love with.

we don't need a fancy house with a state of the art kitchen or a king sized bed.
we don't even need a one-bedroom apartment with a kitchen we can barely fit in.
we could be living out of a van, sleeping at truck stops and eating protein bars and drinking 99-cent cans of arizona iced tea.
as long as we have each other, i will be eternally happy.

when i'm apart from you
i feel like a child trying to sleep through the night without my favorite stuffed animal or my favorite blanket.
i feel lost and uncomfortable.
some nights it's hard to sleep because being away from you physically hurts.
my chest should be fluttering with birds and butterflies - it should be alive
but
it's like someone knocked the wind out of me -
there's a heaviness that i cannot shake.
but when i'm with you
those birds and butterflies are alive and well
they try to free themselves from the confines of my ribcage but my skin keeps them stuck there.
when i'm with you i feel like a garden is blooming out of my ears.
i feel like i could burst and disintegrate into stardust and everything would turn out fine.

i long for you next to me here on this couch as i watch this episode of law and order for the sixth time and still be unsure of how it ends.
i wish you were next to me in the grocery store helping to push the cart as i triple check the list to make sure we got everything.
i wish you were in the kitchen with me so we could dance like nobody's watching in between the steps of the recipe that i know we won't follow.
i long for you to be next to me in bed so i can sleep soundly through the night and if nightmares come crawling into my dreamscape, i know you will be there to chase them away.
i wish you were in my passenger seat so i can look at you out of the corner of my eye in the mirrors as i try to focus on the road ahead.
i wish you were there so i could kiss you at stop lights and drive with no destination in mind.
i want to go to all of my favorite places with you by my side because then i will be complete.
i will be whole.

my bedsheets today tell the story of the night before
we were close,
very,
very
close.
the smell of you was in my clothing
and in my skin.
my sheets smelled like you when i closed my eyes
and when i opened them and was blinded by the sun.
this morning i woke up comforted, yet lonely
because you weren't there

but i know that you will be
someday.

the last time i left you
i was livid.
i was shaking in anger and i was hurt
i was shaken to my core.
the last time i left you
my throat was closed and my voice thick with tears
i tried not to cry the whole ride home.
i sat there in silence while my best friend comforted me, and told me who you really were - the person i was too blind to see.
this time when i left you
it was friendly,
it was cordial
and i'm looking forward to seeing you again.
i'm glad you're happy now
i'm glad you're doing what you love
i'm glad you're alive and want to continue to live.
now i'm glad you did what you did to me
because i have finally found something real and true.
i have written about how much i hate and despise you
but i don't hate you anymore.

clean laundry
the smell before rain
that feeling after rain
a fresh cup of coffee
a new box of crayola crayons
a bag of m&ms;
a used bookstore
fresh baked bread
a fluffy towel after a long shower
a sweets shop
a bouquet of flowers
getting in bed after a long day
the elephant room
crunching snow
birds in the morning
sunrise
sunset
stoplight kisses
foggy nights
a summer breeze
ocean waves
the quiet things
the blood in my veins
the sun
the moon
the stars
my love

you are the sun
you shine in my sky even on the darkest of days
your light radiates through the densest fog
and the worst of storms
your light burns in the best way
warming my skin and my insides
i am blooming
the ivy that holds my throat like a vice is dying and making room for the flowers that are bursting from my ribcage and out of my mouth

you are the sun

you cracked me open
and let the light in
you made yourself a warm, cozy home in my cold, tired soul
a soul that was ripped to pieces and clouded in darkness
a soul that i lost sight of
a soul i never thought i would get back

there is now a sun in my sky that blazes bright
a sun that is melting the ice and warming the earth
a sun that is telling the flowers to come out from their hiding places
a sun that is letting the leaves turn green
a sun that is telling beauty that it's okay to bloom.

my world is full of color and new life
and life is beautiful

all those happy songs finally fill me with joy
instead of sadness and longing

each day the sun seems brighter
and the air seems fresher,
breathing gets easier with each passing day
colors are vivid
not dull and muted

i feel like i could fly

i feel like i can take on the whole world
and i would be okay with whatever happened
as long as i have you by my side

i've seen flowers my entire life and constantly marveled at their beauty
with child-like eyes full of wonder.
i've had flowers in my home for my entire life.
they brighten up any room regardless of how light it is
and it's always sad when they start to shrivel, but i knew that new ones were never far away.
then i started to read books where flowers were not beautiful,
they were shriveled and dead, representing something that once was.
my child-like eyes full of wonder began to dull with every passing page.
then i started picking apart writings about flowers.
the flowers always represented some sort of tragic beauty that my teacher told me was once romantic.
what is romantic about that?
my eyes were no longer the eyes of a child.
they were the eyes of someone who has seen too much, thought too much, read too much.
dull, empty, and sad.

yet, at the end of the winter, when the green buds begin to free themselves from the dirt,
i turn into that child again -
seeing true beauty in something that is alive, something new, something happy.
the resilience of the delicate flowers intrigues me.
flowers are so fragile they should never survive the harsh, cold winters.
but they do.

i must be like these flowers

‪all i have is hate in my heart ‬
‪and it's vile‬
‪maybe it's hate to mask the pain i feel - ‬
‪because hate is easier to explain than pain‬
‪maybe it's a heart hardened by years of constant heartbreak and hurt‬
‪maybe it isn't hate ‬
‪maybe it's a lack of understanding ‬
‪maybe it's not me ‬
‪maybe it's all just you‬
‪i will always blame myself for everything - because blaming you means i hurt you ‬
‪and that's the worst feeling in the world and the hardest to come to terms with ‬
‪i can't blame you because i ruined it‬
‪maybe we're both at fault‬
‪but you're honest... i think‬
‪at least you had guts to tell me some sort of truth ‬
‪and not run away like a coward‬
‪but maybe you are a coward‬
‪because you didn't tell me the truth from the beginning ‬
‪did you lie to me?‬
‪you probably don't think you did,‬
‪but i kind of think so and it makes me sick‬
‪you said you were different‬
‪you said you wouldn't do what they did‬
‪i will thank you for not using me for my body ‬
‪and i am grateful that you understood where i was coming from ‬
‪i loved you then, i love you, i truly think i always will love you ‬
‪i'm trying to extinguish the burning hatred‬
‪and numb the pain‬
‪i'm trying my hardest‬
‪but it'll never be enough‬

a little boy killed himself today
i did now know him
Or go to school with him
he was only a freshman in high school,
no more than 15 years old
a little boy killed himself today.

a little boy killed himself today
because he felt like he was all alone in this great big world
because he thought he was a burden
because he hit rock bottom
because he felt he had nowhere to go
a little boy killed himself today.

a little boy killed himself today
he will never walk across that stage in his cap and gown
he will never get the promotion
he will never see his bride walk down the aisle
or his child take their first steps
a little boy killed himself today.

a little boy killed himself today
because he thought things would never get better.

but they do get better.
maybe not today, or tomorrow
maybe not even next week.
but they do get better.

this little boy that i tell you about
was overwhelmed with darkness
he felt like he was drowning
and he probably felt like his cries were going unheard.

i know this because I was once this boy.
but something inside me kept telling me
that it gets better
so i held out
and
things
got
better.
they got better for me
and i promise you that things will get better for you too.

"suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better"

love walks in when you least expect it
and it is both beautiful and ruinous.
those feelings of love are the most powerful and beautiful feelings on planet earth and i wish to feel that someday.
but love can be ugly and one-sided
and that seems to be the only kind of love i know.
love from family is warm and comforting,
and that is never one sided.
but love from others is unkind,
it is fickle and fleeting
and leaves a bad aftertaste.
unrequited love is not romantic,
it is pain,
a pain that is both sharp and dull at the same time.
the initial sharp stab eventually subsides and is gone.
but the dull pain never goes away,
you just make room for it and live with that dull ache
until you are lucky enough to find someone who thinks you shine brighter than the sun
and whose heart skips a beat when you walk in a room
and who loves your whole person and entire soul.

that is the love i will search the ends of the earth for
but will never find

two thousand sixteen
three hundred and sixty six days
fifty two weeks
twelve months
five syllables
one year.

this year was hard, i'm not going to lie.
things were fantastic,
things were bad.
i did too many amazing things to count on two hands -
i met my favorite actors,
i saw my favorite bands,
i went to my favorite places on earth,
i spent time with my loved ones.

but those five syllables took a lot out of me -
my heart was broken,
my world was shaken,
i fell head over heels,
depression came like a fog- thick and heavy,
i lost sight of the sun.

but tonight changes that.
i can end this chapter,
i get a clean page so i can continue my story -
a story i never thought i would be able to tell.

two thousand seventeen
three hundred and sixty five days
fifty two weeks
twelve months
six syllables
one new year

today i bought a journal
so i could pen my thoughts on paper

today i bought a journal
not only to write my thoughts
but to keep my life in order
today i bought a journal

today i bought a journal
to hold myself accountable
for my actions
today i bought a journal

today i bought a journal
so i could write down lines
that might fit some rhyme
somewhere, sometime
today i bought a journal

today i bought a journal
maybe as a tangible reminder of how far i will go?
maybe just as a physical place to keep my writing?
today i bought a journal

the things that i want to say
are the things that might scare you away
how can i validate or dispel the thoughts in my head without taking a risk?
a risk that could change everything for the better
or
a risk that could ruin everything
why gamble away what is already good?
because there is a potential to discover something even better.
my heart is screaming to take the plunge,
my head is telling me it would be a total loss
who do i follow when i'm so torn?

do you know how it feels
to catch yourself in the mirror
and hate what you see?
catching glimpses of my eyes in the reflection
and seeing how heavy they look,
with the deep, dark bags underneath
and the tiredness that cannot be ignored.
the smile that is heavy,
that so desperately wants to be genuine.
the shoulders that are broad and manly
that are supposed to be strong.
the shoulders that are hunched and strained
from carrying the weight of the world on them.
the arms, once scarred, have grown thin.
the hands that are cracked beyond repair.
the fingers that are torn and so desperately want to heal.
the chest that wishes to be smaller.
the torso that will never be satisfactory.
the legs that are too big are sore,
from trying to hold up the skeleton inside.
the feet that have walked millions of miles,
through everything.
i try so hard to hide this from the people around me,
but i guess mirrors show us everything we never want others to see...

this is an apology
to all those i have hurt in the past, those i hurt now, and those who i will hurt in the future.

this is an apology
to everybody i've ever known
i'm sorry i wasn't who you thought i was.
i'm sorry i wasn't who you wanted me to be.
i'm sorry i couldn't be there for you, i can't even be there for myself.
i'm sorry i couldn't help you fight off your demons, i couldn't even keep mine at bay.
just know that i tried my best.
those who i couldn't help still haunt me in my nightmares, but ******* it i tried my hardest
to save you from yourself
but you were just a shell of the person i once knew -
there was none of you left for me to grab onto.

this is an apology
to my future boyfriend
i'm sorry i will let you down and be cold and distant - there are things i hope you'll never know and things i can't share with you.
just know that i want to.
i want you to understand why i am the way i am.
i will love you even when it doesn't seem like i do.

to my future husband
i'm sorry i will let you down and be cold and distant.
i will love you with all my heart and soul even in my darkest hour.

this is an apology to all those i let down
and who i will let down in the future.
i'm sorry i wasn't who you thought i was.
i'm sorry i wasn't who you wanted me to be.
i'm sorry i couldn't be there for you, i can't even be there for myself.

this is an apology
i'm so sorry

worn down,
buzzy ears,
full face,
heavy chest,
dry throat,
red nose,
cracked lips,
dry skin,
heavy head.

ever since i was a little girl,
my mom always told me to
sing,
sing a song,
sing out loud,
sing out strong,
song of good things, not bad
sing of happy, not sad.
mom
i regret to inform you
that i cannot sing  -
but i do anyway,
alone,
in the shower,
and in my car.
in the kitchen
when i'm alone.
i sing things people will never hear,
i create melodies that will never be played,
i write lyrics that will never be read.

if i were blessed with a voice,
i would share it with the world.
but for now,
the only things that will hear me
are my car seats
and shower stall.

i must remind myself
that i have the power and strength
to pick myself up.
i have a strong foundation.
it may be dinged with tiny cracks,
but it's still strong.
i must remind myself
that writing my way out does not make me weak.
i must remind myself
that the sun will rise tomorrow
and that tomorrow will be better than today.
i must remind myself
to take care of me.
i must remind myself
that it's okay to show
sadness,
anger,
frustration,
joy,
kindness,
love.
i must remind myself
that i'll be fine
(in due time)

bags under my eyes
so purple and dark
(i haven't slept well in weeks)
my face
never showing the ocean inside
unlike my eyes
that show everything.
picking my fingers
to the bone.
(they don't even bleed anymore)
biting my nails
until they bleed.
my hands
cracked and dry,
****** knuckles
that never heal.
my spine
is exhausted
from holding this weight.
my shoulders
and neck
can hardly hold my head.

i just want to lay in a bed of flowers,
under the shade of a tree
so that i may rest my head.
i don't want a tumultuous ocean inside,
i want calm seas.

please lend me your shoulder
so i may cry.
please lend me your ears
so i may purge myself of my illness.
please lend me your heart
so i may mend it.
please lend me your arms
so i may be held.
please show me
how to love freely.
please show me
how to find my purpose.
please show me
how to truly live.
please show me
what real life is.
please show me
what love is.
(please)
(let me love you)

this couch seems so empty
with just me on it.
i am so lonely here
on this couch.
the songs i hear
are making me long
for your arms around me -
comfort me,
let me cry,
and please
just let me speak.

i'm so physically,
mentally,
and emotionally
exhausted.
i'm so tired
no amount of sleep
will help me.
i'm so tired
but
my thoughts are racing
at one hundred miles an hour.
but i can't quiet them.
i can't sleep,
i can hardly eat -
i'm so sick of this place.


but i'm trying my best to be better.

i need to get away
from here
just for a short time -
escape this place
i know all too well.
i'll turn off my phone,
pack some snacks,
take a book,
but no maps.
i'll savor everything,
and photograph nothing.
hopefully i can clear my head,
lord knows it's too
crowded in there.

i was given the ability
to stand tall and strong
but
i'm on my hands and knees,
bent under the weight on my shoulders.
that weight is unbearable -
i feel my back cracking under it.
i know i have it in me
to stand tall and strong again
i just have to dig deep.

it's 12:34 am
and i'm alone
and longing for someone.
i will be alone
and longing for someone
at 12:34 am tomorrow,
and the next day,
and the next day,
and the next day.
i wish for one day
to not be alone and longing for you
at 12:34 am.

this is the third thanksgiving without you.
this is the third thanksgiving without your laugh.
this is the third thanksgiving without the question "are your still playing?"
this is the third thanksgiving without that faint tobacco smell following you.

this is the fourth thanksgiving without you.
this is the fourth thanksgiving without you yelling at my uncle for his hair.
this is the fourth thanksgiving without you're criticisms about the soup being salty.
this is the forth thanksgiving without your two cents about politics.

i hate having two less seats at the table.

it's thanksgiving.
i'm so grateful for everyone in my life
and
all the incredible things i've done this year,
but i still feel like something is missing.

(and it's you)

i know it's cliche,
but i am my own worst enemy.
whenever things go well,
my negativity takes over -
and all that good is clouded by
'what if?'s,
self-doubt,
anxiety,
self-loathing.


(and things always go south,
and i'm always the cause)