oh how i would love
coffee and a cigarette
they are both so lovely
and romantic
they make for perfect pictures
but one of these
killed my cousin.
oh how romantic

So many things have happened
in the past four years.
I have loved.
I have lost.
I have been happy.
I have been sad.
I have been used.
But now I am scared.
I am terrified of what lies ahead.
It is like I am standing in the path
of an oncoming train -
I can see it in the distance,
I know it is coming,
but I don't know when it will hit me.

the night is so dark
the darkness, it consumes me
the night is so dark

perfection is
a hot cup of coffee
in a cafe full of strangers.
perfection is
christmas music
playing softly in the background.
perfection is
thanksgiving
and all the love it brings.
perfection is
christmas
and all the joy it brings.
perfection is
family gathered together
in rooms filled with love and laughter.
perfection is
mass on christmas eve
and the peace it brings.
perfection is
sleeping in on christmas morning
and waking up to a house filled with the smell of the ham cooking.
perfection is
the smiles on my loved ones' faces.
perfection is
a hug
from someone i love.
perfection is
a hot cup of coffee
in a cafe full of strangers.

to my (future) husband,
as i sit and write this, i don't know if i've met you yet.
but i honestly hope i have.

if you're reading this,
thank you for honoring my ridiculous request
to do the final dance number that baby and johnny did from ***** dancing
at our wedding
(if we didn't do the lift, it's okay)

thank you for always being there.
through the breakdowns,
the rants,
all the bad.

thank you for always being there.
through the endless summers,
the sunny days that turned into fire lit nights,
the endless godfather marathons,
all the good.

i will always be there for you -
through all the bad
and all the good.
through your successes
and failures
i will be there.

and i will love you until the day i die.

this is an apology
to all those i have hurt in the past, those i hurt now, and those who i will hurt in the future.

this is an apology
to everybody i've ever known
i'm sorry i wasn't who you thought i was.
i'm sorry i wasn't who you wanted me to be.
i'm sorry i couldn't be there for you, i can't even be there for myself.
i'm sorry i couldn't help you fight off your demons, i couldn't even keep mine at bay.
just know that i tried my best.
those who i couldn't help still haunt me in my nightmares, but ******* it i tried my hardest
to save you from yourself
but you were just a shell of the person i once knew -
there was none of you left for me to grab onto.

this is an apology
to my future boyfriend
i'm sorry i will let you down and be cold and distant - there are things i hope you'll never know and things i can't share with you.
just know that i want to.
i want you to understand why i am the way i am.
i will love you even when it doesn't seem like i do.

to my future husband
i'm sorry i will let you down and be cold and distant.
i will love you with all my heart and soul even in my darkest hour.

this is an apology to all those i let down
and who i will let down in the future.
i'm sorry i wasn't who you thought i was.
i'm sorry i wasn't who you wanted me to be.
i'm sorry i couldn't be there for you, i can't even be there for myself.

this is an apology
i'm so sorry

i've seen flowers my entire life and constantly marveled at their beauty
with child-like eyes full of wonder.
i've had flowers in my home for my entire life.
they brighten up any room regardless of how light it is
and it's always sad when they start to shrivel, but i knew that new ones were never far away.
then i started to read books where flowers were not beautiful,
they were shriveled and dead, representing something that once was.
my child-like eyes full of wonder began to dull with every passing page.
then i started picking apart writings about flowers.
the flowers always represented some sort of tragic beauty that my teacher told me was once romantic.
what is romantic about that?
my eyes were no longer the eyes of a child.
they were the eyes of someone who has seen too much, thought too much, read too much.
dull, empty, and sad.

yet, at the end of the winter, when the green buds begin to free themselves from the dirt,
i turn into that child again -
seeing true beauty in something that is alive, something new, something happy.
the resilience of the delicate flowers intrigues me.
flowers are so fragile they should never survive the harsh, cold winters.
but they do.

i must be like these flowers

a little boy killed himself today
i did now know him
Or go to school with him
he was only a freshman in high school,
no more than 15 years old
a little boy killed himself today.

a little boy killed himself today
because he felt like he was all alone in this great big world
because he thought he was a burden
because he hit rock bottom
because he felt he had nowhere to go
a little boy killed himself today.

a little boy killed himself today
he will never walk across that stage in his cap and gown
he will never get the promotion
he will never see his bride walk down the aisle
or his child take their first steps
a little boy killed himself today.

a little boy killed himself today
because he thought things would never get better.

but they do get better.
maybe not today, or tomorrow
maybe not even next week.
but they do get better.

this little boy that i tell you about
was overwhelmed with darkness
he felt like he was drowning
and he probably felt like his cries were going unheard.

i know this because I was once this boy.
but something inside me kept telling me
that it gets better
so i held out
and
things
got
better.
they got better for me
and i promise you that things will get better for you too.

"suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better"

i was given the ability
to stand tall and strong
but
i'm on my hands and knees,
bent under the weight on my shoulders.
that weight is unbearable -
i feel my back cracking under it.
i know i have it in me
to stand tall and strong again
i just have to dig deep.

I wake up sad.
I go about my business sad.
I to go sleep sad.
It's and endless cycle.
And the one who makes me the happiest
Is also the one who makes me miserable.

i have lost
i have won
i have been down
i have been up

my world has been rocked
and turned
upside down

so much has changed
yet so much has stayed the same

things have become more complex
yet some have simplified

(i just want this year to end)
i never want this year to end

They say that a red thread connects you to the person you love.
That thread can be
Twisted,
Tied,
Looped,
But never frayed or broken.
I used to believe this.
Until my thread started to fray.

We are all doomed to Death.
We all have the same fate;
So why do we try and change it?

I live in a place where the sun doesn't shine.
I do not live in Alaska or some strange country.
I live in the dark recesses if my mind.
The place where I live has no sun.
It only has black.

I live in a place where the sun doesn't shine.
Many days I wish I could see the sun.
But I know that isn't possible.
I wish that the black would just go away.

I live in a place where the sun doesn't shine.
This place has become my only saving grace.
Black, inky darkness everywhere.
Is it sad to say that I'm comfortable here?

all those happy songs finally fill me with joy
instead of sadness and longing

each day the sun seems brighter
and the air seems fresher,
breathing gets easier with each passing day
colors are vivid
not dull and muted

i feel like i could fly

i feel like i can take on the whole world
and i would be okay with whatever happened
as long as i have you by my side

You get upset.
I get upset.
We apologise to each other.
Then we kiss.
And kiss some more.
It's like make-up ***.
Then after that,
Everything is normal again.

Is this what our relationship has come to?

I cannot decide whether or not to
End this.
Sometimes things go great.
But those times are rare.
Things are turning sour but you're too
Blind to see it.

Do not buy me roses.
Roses are beautiful,
but the last time
someone gave me roses,
was at a funeral.
Do not buy me roses
of any color -
red,
pink,
or yellow.
My grandmother
gave me pink roses
at her funeral.
My dear cousin
gave me red roses
at his funeral.
Do not buy me a rose
because I will punch you in the nose.

please lend me your shoulder
so i may cry.
please lend me your ears
so i may purge myself of my illness.
please lend me your heart
so i may mend it.
please lend me your arms
so i may be held.
please show me
how to love freely.
please show me
how to find my purpose.
please show me
how to truly live.
please show me
what real life is.
please show me
what love is.
(please)
(let me love you)

I always wonder
if you were lying to me
when you said that
your house burned down.

I always wonder
if you really meant it
when you said that
you loved me.

I always wonder
why I am still thinking
about you
because
you ruined my life.

I always wonder
if you knew that
you robbed me.

I always wonder
if you really understood
how ******* up
our relationship was.

I always wonder
if you knew
that your words
hurt me.

I always wonder
if you knew
how much pain you inflicted on me.

I always wonder
if you understood
that I couldn't leave you
alone.

I always wonder
if you realized
that you forced me
to stay.

I always wonder
if you ever really understood
you,
me,
us,
at all?

this is the third thanksgiving without you.
this is the third thanksgiving without your laugh.
this is the third thanksgiving without the question "are your still playing?"
this is the third thanksgiving without that faint tobacco smell following you.

this is the fourth thanksgiving without you.
this is the fourth thanksgiving without you yelling at my uncle for his hair.
this is the fourth thanksgiving without you're criticisms about the soup being salty.
this is the forth thanksgiving without your two cents about politics.

i hate having two less seats at the table.

the butterflies in my stomach
the flutter in my chest
are overtaken
by the weight of self-doubt
and overthinking.

those butterflies,
that flutter
are the only things i ever want to feel.
pure bliss.
pure happiness.

the self-doubt, the overthinking,
the anxiety it brings
is overwhelming.
shutting down is the only option.

it's all i can do.
(but i can't)

i know it's cliche,
but i am my own worst enemy.
whenever things go well,
my negativity takes over -
and all that good is clouded by
'what if?'s,
self-doubt,
anxiety,
self-loathing.


(and things always go south,
and i'm always the cause)

clean laundry
the smell before rain
that feeling after rain
a fresh cup of coffee
a new box of crayola crayons
a bag of m&ms;
a used bookstore
fresh baked bread
a fluffy towel after a long shower
a sweets shop
a bouquet of flowers
getting in bed after a long day
the elephant room
crunching snow
birds in the morning
sunrise
sunset
stoplight kisses
foggy nights
a summer breeze
ocean waves
the quiet things
the blood in my veins
the sun
the moon
the stars
my love

my bedsheets today tell the story of the night before
we were close,
very,
very
close.
the smell of you was in my clothing
and in my skin.
my sheets smelled like you when i closed my eyes
and when i opened them and was blinded by the sun.
this morning i woke up comforted, yet lonely
because you weren't there

but i know that you will be
someday.

'I love you. So much.'
is what you say to me.
Even after you treat me like ****;
It's what you tell me.
I can't believe you anymore.
I try so hard, but I just can't.
I say
'I love you too.'
but I don't know if I mean it anymore.

today i bought a journal
so i could pen my thoughts on paper

today i bought a journal
not only to write my thoughts
but to keep my life in order
today i bought a journal

today i bought a journal
to hold myself accountable
for my actions
today i bought a journal

today i bought a journal
so i could write down lines
that might fit some rhyme
somewhere, sometime
today i bought a journal

today i bought a journal
maybe as a tangible reminder of how far i will go?
maybe just as a physical place to keep my writing?
today i bought a journal

it's like i have it all
good grades, a job, a roof over my head, a family who loves me, a boyfriend who i love more than life itself - a feeling that is reciprocated tenfold.

yet

i feel the shadow of an emptiness that i can't seem to fill
the remnants of a sadness that was once so profound still linger in my consciousness and
although small
are mighty
they are capable of eating me alive and my soul drowns in their waters
i feel as if i don't deserve the good i have
i feel as if i don't deserve the love that is given to me
i thank the powers that be for everything that i have
yet
if i say this out loud
i think i seem ungrateful

when i'm apart from you
i feel like a child trying to sleep through the night without my favorite stuffed animal or my favorite blanket.
i feel lost and uncomfortable.
some nights it's hard to sleep because being away from you physically hurts.
my chest should be fluttering with birds and butterflies - it should be alive
but
it's like someone knocked the wind out of me -
there's a heaviness that i cannot shake.
but when i'm with you
those birds and butterflies are alive and well
they try to free themselves from the confines of my ribcage but my skin keeps them stuck there.
when i'm with you i feel like a garden is blooming out of my ears.
i feel like i could burst and disintegrate into stardust and everything would turn out fine.

it all starts with a spark
add some oxygen and some kindling
and it becomes small flares.
small flares become large flames
destroying everything in their path.
in a flash,
everything is gone.
all those photographs,
the paintings, the letters,
everything that you have come to love.
gone.
in a flash.
remnants of times past float into the air,
ashen and black.

worn down,
buzzy ears,
full face,
heavy chest,
dry throat,
red nose,
cracked lips,
dry skin,
heavy head.

ever since i was a little girl,
my mom always told me to
sing,
sing a song,
sing out loud,
sing out strong,
song of good things, not bad
sing of happy, not sad.
mom
i regret to inform you
that i cannot sing  -
but i do anyway,
alone,
in the shower,
and in my car.
in the kitchen
when i'm alone.
i sing things people will never hear,
i create melodies that will never be played,
i write lyrics that will never be read.

if i were blessed with a voice,
i would share it with the world.
but for now,
the only things that will hear me
are my car seats
and shower stall.

this couch seems so empty
with just me on it.
i am so lonely here
on this couch.
the songs i hear
are making me long
for your arms around me -
comfort me,
let me cry,
and please
just let me speak.

I'm just really sad.
I should feel great.
I have a family that loves me,
Friends who care,
A promising future,
Big dreams,
Good grades.

But I still feel sad.

last spring
i was somewhat happy
you kissed me on a street corner after we spent the day drinking coffee and beach combing
then you tried to push my boundaries in your car in a random parking lot
but i wouldn't let you.
then things were okay
and shortly thereafter we put a label on it
then you met my parents.

this time last year
i was waiting for a text that i never received
i was waiting for a call back but the phone never rang
i had never been so hurt before
you planted roots in my heart and my brain, though retrospectively i realize they were superficial at best

it has been over a year since that day
and i still wonder why you ended things in such a cowardly way
was it because i wouldn't let you touch me?
was it because i didn't want to be just friends? or just benefits?

since then
i discovered it takes incredible strength to put myself back together
but just a few simple words to tear my world apart
i let myself be played and taken advantage of because after you, that's what I thought i deserved

last year i lost sight of everything
i lost my love for life

two thousand sixteen
three hundred and sixty six days
fifty two weeks
twelve months
five syllables
one year.

this year was hard, i'm not going to lie.
things were fantastic,
things were bad.
i did too many amazing things to count on two hands -
i met my favorite actors,
i saw my favorite bands,
i went to my favorite places on earth,
i spent time with my loved ones.

but those five syllables took a lot out of me -
my heart was broken,
my world was shaken,
i fell head over heels,
depression came like a fog- thick and heavy,
i lost sight of the sun.

but tonight changes that.
i can end this chapter,
i get a clean page so i can continue my story -
a story i never thought i would be able to tell.

two thousand seventeen
three hundred and sixty five days
fifty two weeks
twelve months
six syllables
one new year

you cracked me open
and let the light in
you made yourself a warm, cozy home in my cold, tired soul
a soul that was ripped to pieces and clouded in darkness
a soul that i lost sight of
a soul i never thought i would get back

there is now a sun in my sky that blazes bright
a sun that is melting the ice and warming the earth
a sun that is telling the flowers to come out from their hiding places
a sun that is letting the leaves turn green
a sun that is telling beauty that it's okay to bloom.

my world is full of color and new life
and life is beautiful

white spider
black cotton
we’re in your home now

grey squirrel
heather polyester
we’re under your home now

blue bird
blue jeans
we’re just visiting

‪all i have is hate in my heart ‬
‪and it's vile‬
‪maybe it's hate to mask the pain i feel - ‬
‪because hate is easier to explain than pain‬
‪maybe it's a heart hardened by years of constant heartbreak and hurt‬
‪maybe it isn't hate ‬
‪maybe it's a lack of understanding ‬
‪maybe it's not me ‬
‪maybe it's all just you‬
‪i will always blame myself for everything - because blaming you means i hurt you ‬
‪and that's the worst feeling in the world and the hardest to come to terms with ‬
‪i can't blame you because i ruined it‬
‪maybe we're both at fault‬
‪but you're honest... i think‬
‪at least you had guts to tell me some sort of truth ‬
‪and not run away like a coward‬
‪but maybe you are a coward‬
‪because you didn't tell me the truth from the beginning ‬
‪did you lie to me?‬
‪you probably don't think you did,‬
‪but i kind of think so and it makes me sick‬
‪you said you were different‬
‪you said you wouldn't do what they did‬
‪i will thank you for not using me for my body ‬
‪and i am grateful that you understood where i was coming from ‬
‪i loved you then, i love you, i truly think i always will love you ‬
‪i'm trying to extinguish the burning hatred‬
‪and numb the pain‬
‪i'm trying my hardest‬
‪but it'll never be enough‬

do you know how it feels
to catch yourself in the mirror
and hate what you see?
catching glimpses of my eyes in the reflection
and seeing how heavy they look,
with the deep, dark bags underneath
and the tiredness that cannot be ignored.
the smile that is heavy,
that so desperately wants to be genuine.
the shoulders that are broad and manly
that are supposed to be strong.
the shoulders that are hunched and strained
from carrying the weight of the world on them.
the arms, once scarred, have grown thin.
the hands that are cracked beyond repair.
the fingers that are torn and so desperately want to heal.
the chest that wishes to be smaller.
the torso that will never be satisfactory.
the legs that are too big are sore,
from trying to hold up the skeleton inside.
the feet that have walked millions of miles,
through everything.
i try so hard to hide this from the people around me,
but i guess mirrors show us everything we never want others to see...

I am happy now

These things I have penned
These thoughts that were once impenetrable
Have dissipated.

Each one of these poems
Mean nothing to me.

I still feel pain
but I'm not afraid to hurt anymore.

There is a light -
I just had to go through the darkest depths
to find it.

I'm proud to say
"I made it"
Memories sometimes surface
but I have the strength to push them away.
I have the strength to let the sun shine on me.

I finally learned that it is okay to be happy.

i must remind myself
that i have the power and strength
to pick myself up.
i have a strong foundation.
it may be dinged with tiny cracks,
but it's still strong.
i must remind myself
that writing my way out does not make me weak.
i must remind myself
that the sun will rise tomorrow
and that tomorrow will be better than today.
i must remind myself
to take care of me.
i must remind myself
that it's okay to show
sadness,
anger,
frustration,
joy,
kindness,
love.
i must remind myself
that i'll be fine
(in due time)

nothing but
tears
have streamed down my face today.
my eyes,
my head,
my throat,
my chest.
they all hurt.
my heart is broken
i am living in a state of
denial.
i can't believe this happened.
it wasn't supposed to happen like this.
this wasn't supposed to happen today.
i am broken.
my soul is shattered.

when i am sad, oh god i'm sad
but when i'm happy, dear god i'm the happiest person on the planet.
but those moments are fleeting.
those moments of pure, unadulterated happiness are the moments
i long for the most.
it's like i'm chasing a high i'll never get.
i'm like an addict,
constantly looking for my next hit in whatever crosses my path,
a cup of coffee,
a friendly face,
a song,
the sun on my skin,
leaves crunching under my feet,
trivial things,
anything.
those small things that used to bring light into my world
barely create a spark now.

i was doing well,
i was genuinely happy.

what happened?

the last time i left you
i was livid.
i was shaking in anger and i was hurt
i was shaken to my core.
the last time i left you
my throat was closed and my voice thick with tears
i tried not to cry the whole ride home.
i sat there in silence while my best friend comforted me, and told me who you really were - the person i was too blind to see.
this time when i left you
it was friendly,
it was cordial
and i'm looking forward to seeing you again.
i'm glad you're happy now
i'm glad you're doing what you love
i'm glad you're alive and want to continue to live.
now i'm glad you did what you did to me
because i have finally found something real and true.
i have written about how much i hate and despise you
but i don't hate you anymore.

i'm so physically,
mentally,
and emotionally
exhausted.
i'm so tired
no amount of sleep
will help me.
i'm so tired
but
my thoughts are racing
at one hundred miles an hour.
but i can't quiet them.
i can't sleep,
i can hardly eat -
i'm so sick of this place.


but i'm trying my best to be better.

i’m sitting scrolling through Instagram taking a 5 minute brain break from my grad class work
about urban education policy which breaks my heart
because education policy and initiatives in urban school districts don’t take into account
poverty
unsafe living conditions
mom working 3 jobs just to put food on the table and keep the lights on
violence
drugs
all of which are exacerbated by the pandemic we’re in right now

all i need is 5 minutes to escape from that
but as i scroll
all i can see is
******
death
sadness
rage

another unarmed back man was murdered by white cops
another cry of “i can’t breathe”
another child died of starvation
another plane crashed
another trans woman of color was murdered
another kid committed suicide
another animal was shot so someone could have bacon for breakfast
another black man was harassed by a white woman while birdwatching in the park
another woman was beaten by her husband while quarantined together

all i need is 5 minutes
to escape the
******
death
sadness
rage
that’s everywhere

i’m just tired
everything i’ve seen today has broken my heart
everything i saw yesterday broke my heart
and the day before that
and the day before that
and the day before that

how can i help make change if i’m so **** tired all the time?

i no longer constantly write
from a place of sadness and hurt.
i am trying to write
from a place of happiness and light
because those feelings of
happiness and love
are what i want to feel
all the time.

i spent almost all of my teenage years
being sad and miserable -
doing horrible things to myself
and to the ones i love the most.
i never want to go back there
ever again.
i want to fianlly be happy with myself,
my body,
who i am as a person.

and i think i can do that.

the things that i want to say
are the things that might scare you away
how can i validate or dispel the thoughts in my head without taking a risk?
a risk that could change everything for the better
or
a risk that could ruin everything
why gamble away what is already good?
because there is a potential to discover something even better.
my heart is screaming to take the plunge,
my head is telling me it would be a total loss
who do i follow when i'm so torn?

i want someone
to look at me
that way
johnny
looks at loretta
in moonstruck.
the way
johnny
looks at baby
in ***** dancing.