Exiled
Just like I was before
Trust lost
There was none to mourn
Heart aches
As if an open sore
Self-inflicted
On rages the war

I’m working so hard
to heal my wounds
but my heart feels
like it’s been stuck with a harpoon

I feel like I’m failing
at everything I try
every night I lay in bed
and think of ways to die

This can’t be normal
I want my sanity back
instead I take my world
and I paint it black

The darker the better
to match my cold heart
should’ve known I was *******
right from the start

No way can I heal
from the demons chasing me
they have their grip
never shall I be free

The problems keep piling
and PTSD won’t let me forget
all the guilt and shame
the trauma that I regret

Why can’t life just end
it’d be easier than suicide
then at least I could say
I put in effort, I really tried

Once again I've shown my heart
Gave my all to people I know
But they've disappeared, on with their life
Leaving me to feel like Joe-Shmo

I'm always there in time of need
For that's when they come running to me
Comfort and console, do all I can
As soon as they're better it's time to flee

Alone, afraid, stuck with my thoughts
Reach out to find help
But it's dark and silent
Screams turned into a yelp

So a slice will suffice
Because a drink won't do
All I really needed was
A little empathy from you

Waken up again
from a nightmare of sin
can’t shake these feelings that you bring
or the evil song you sing
trying so hard to heal
but I’m wrapped up in the Devil’s deal

Sleeping so peacefully
with happy dreams I do believe
every breath is calm and pure
dreaming of happiness I’m sure
you’ve already paid your dues
now your dreams are peaceful and true

I love you
you know this is true
nobody can stop me
from being with you

They can cast their ***** looks
or try to write their laws
but nothing will stop me
from loving all your flaws

Parades and special bars
just aren't enough
I still can see through
and call the world's bluff

But I won't let that matter
like they say, "love is love."
For you my dear lady
I will go far and above

Hate can't stop us
they'll never tear us apart
what we have is rare
and comes straight from the heart

Anxiety coursing through my veins
every inch of my body shakes
I cannot take the way it feels
or the ache I feel in my legs

I have a brick on my chest
making it so hard to breathe
gasping for air, someone help
lift the brick off of me

I can’t drink coffee
although I love it’s taste
my heart races and
it makes my hands shake

Going out is a joke
I don’t want to be around
anyone who could judge
the way my anxiety makes me look

It doesn’t stop
not even for a moment
constantly vibrating
and muscles tense as hell

I wish this monster would
just let me be
I need a moment to breathe
and be me again

Feeling good
Running around
Catch up on
What’s run into the ground.

So much to do
So far behind
Laundry, yard work
Constantly on the grind.

But fear comes
Banging on my door
Is this real,
Will I plummet to the floor?

Exhausted already
Pushing too hard?
Will I be ok,
Can I let down my guard?

Or is this already
The end of my rope?
I thought I’d healed
And could hold onto hope.

Life is funny
Playing tricks with my mind
I hope to survive
And not become—left behind.

Alice on the left
Protecting scars from the past
On a mushroom patch
Of black lines sure to last

The Rabbit to her right
Memories of temptation before
Addictions and highs
Never touch it again she swore

Joined together they tell a story
To others, it looks pretty
But when she looks down
She sees more of a plea

I’ve dreamed of a place
far beyond this land;
weightless and floating,
pain doesn’t stand a chance.

No more worrying
all stress lifted off.
Feelings running freely
instead of stuck in a trough.

I’ve dreamed of a place
where everything is fine;
laughing and loving
autonomy that is mine.

No more running
from demons in my head.
It’s a shame this place exists
only if I’m dead.

You've always had a way
of disappearing.
How dare me
for interfering.

I thought I was your
only sunshine.
A lie you've taught me
with time.

Is it really so difficult
to believe.
Shunning the one you
did conceive.

Afraid now to just
let go.
Did you know you've made
me hollow.

Maybe some day you'll
come around.
In these lies I'll
surely drown.

All my life I've believed in you,
I thought you were the one getting me through.
Time has passed-- Oh how I grew!
I do not believe the lies they spew.

Your existence is the lie
That hurts so much I wish only to die.
Instead, I turn face to the sky,
And spark what makes sanity equal high.

There is no way you can be real,
And still cause this pain that we feel.
Unfair is the hand you deal,
And cruel how innocent lives you steal.

You do not deserve an end
Or closure to this my fairweather friend.
I can no longer pretend,
Your chapter was anything but a trend.

I feel the drag
along my skin.
It's another day
that I gave in.

Gave in to escape
from the memory,
of all the things
you did to me.

Things so unbearable
yet it went on for years.
Silently I suffered
crying so many tears.

Tears don't come now
as I give in.
Instead, it's crimson
rolling down my skin.

Every night it seems to me
I'm charging and running
Trying to rid myself from
The demon that's chasing

But I wake up and
I feel so lonely
Nobody there for me
Are they tired of my story?

I know I am, so
I write it out on this pad
Fall back into the darkness
Will I ever learn to be glad?

Become used to the monster
Who tries to consume me
But I'm working hard to
Get back to how it used to be

I've ached for you for many years
As if you were a long lost friend.
Waiting for your miracle work
And all these wounds to start to mend.

Praying every night for you
Since I was just a kid.
All I needed was a little bit
But it seems vigor I was forbid.

So white knuckle through life I go
And stop praying to an unjust king.
Buried deep the pain inside
Is courage even a real thing?

Yet still, I grow and move along.
Is this real or all for show?
Without you by my side
I suppose we shall never know.

Goodbye ****** high
I’ve gotten rid of you
flushed down the toilet
now I’m feeling *******

There’s one left at the bottom
white pill just sitting there
and it’s laughing at me
with it’s mocking stare

I know why I did it
my reasons were just
keeping my sobriety
is a #1 must

So why am I sad
what’s this anger I feel
where can I go
to file my appeal?

Give another flush
the **** thing won’t go down
tried to rid myself of temptation
now I watch it drown

I don’t regret my actions
just wish they were all gone
is this life’s way
of telling me I was wrong?

Erase me
like a mistake on your page.
Burn me off
like a potent stick of sage.
Repulsion that’s what you think of
when you think of me.
I’m a disaster
must destroy me you see.

Forever you and I, together ‘til we die
at least that’s what the preacher said
but intertwined forever in this forest
is my plan now that we’re dead

Decaying together, we’ll be here forever
holding each other as if there’s no tomorrow
becoming the world around us now
tree roots for limbs I have borrowed

You just waste away, more decay
I hate to watch as you turn to dust
yet the forest just encompasses me
and my heart turns to rust

Now I cry, as I say goodbye
realizing how I’ll spend eternity
I’ll have become part of this tree
and you’ll waste away in front of me

So tired of the pain
you left without a word.
Years since have past
holding on is absurd.

So tired of the sadness
from the hole left in my heart.
No parent left to hold me
since you tore us apart.

So tired of the tears
they just don't seem to come.
If I could cry it out
maybe the hurt would be done.

So tired of the loneliness
you've left inside my soul.
This heartache really seems
to be getting old.

Temptation staring me in the face
little white pills begging to be ate
dancing around in my head
wondering if I’ll take the bait

Alcohol in solid form
addicted to escaping the world
if I took them guilt would come
nothing to take back, even if I hurled

Still so tempting to have a bite
to get rid of them seems such a waste
if I do I know one thing
this test I will have aced

So just stay strong and stay away
get rid of dancing pills in my head
flush them down and you’ll see
my sobriety is not dead

Don't even think about getting to me
my walls are up
Don't even think about saying hi
can't hear gossip
I did, what I had to do, you know the reason
and it was you

Don't even think about crying to me
I won't listen, won't listen
Oh I got scars all over my arms
one for each day, you tore me apart
I did, what I had to do, you know the reason
and it was you

Footsteps down the hall, it was you, you
Heaviness in my chest, it was you, it was you

I did, what I had to do, you know the reason
Yeah you know all the reasons oh
And if there's something you'd like to prove
then just let me continue to blame you

Footsteps down the hall, it was you, you
Heaviness in my chest, it was you, you...

Something bigger.
Something else.
Is there really?
Is there not?

We live on this floating ball in space.
Space, something indefinite.
Something unknown.
Are we alone?

Is it hard to believe
we are the only beings?
Yet harder to believe
there is a higher being.

We live alone
in our own worlds.
We feel alone.
Barren wasteland of existence.

Barren wasteland of a soul.
Body left to decay.
Just flecks of dust floating in space
for all of eternity.

The beast caused insanity
of course this wasn’t anything new to me
we’d been friends for eternity
living life uncomfortably

I asked him once to let me be
he laughed and just smiled at me
from that moment I knew I’d never be free
and that’s when it started; insanity

Mommy yells and she screams
more now that she stopped drinking
I thought she'd be better
but what was I thinking?

Mommy's always been angry
at the dogs or at me
Sometimes I'm just playing
and she comes in screaming

Mommy seems so sad
sometimes glued to the couch
I try to ask what's wrong
her only reply is "ouch"

Where did Mommy go?
Will she come back to me?
Is this being passed down?
Will my children hear screams?

I hope Mommy comes back
and the doctors fix her head
I'm so tired of being scared
and hiding underneath my bed

I still love my mommy
you know I always will
but Mommy's disease is
a silent thing that kills

Each snowflake silently falls
just like each thought, one comes
then another
Quicker now they come
as if a flurry
swarming around my head
until finally they fall
Each one is unique
none like the other
sparkling in the light
each one’s a gem
I try to cherish them all
even the sad and broken ones
because without broken
you won’t know happy
How could these silent snowflakes
not bring happiness
The sound of peace and zen
I try to remember this
next time my head swarms
with flurries of snowflake thoughts

Beautiful how you're glistening
Beautiful my mahogany
I love the way you sound to me
I love the way you make me free

Smooth on top I start to groove
Smooth on top your maple wood
Sounds that always make me move
Sounds just like my childhood

Smells like amps and old gear
Smell the old speakers where I am near
Tastes like *** and cheap old beer
Tastes like celebrating on New Year

Ode to you my lovely guitar
Ode to you from near, never afar
I love you when you barre
I love you even if you scar

She lays broken again
with word of another lost friend
the Devil had become too strong
even though her friend gave their all

She wonders what will become of her
if she continues down the path she deserves
will she meet the Devil’s smile
or be allowed to stay a while

If she does arrive alone
will she regret the path she chose
or will she feel like she is free
inside of the Devil’s scream

The problem is I've held on to hope for so long,
I had forgotten what I was even holding.
Now I've found the thing within my grasp
Has only been fabrication.

My heart aches so much inside
For the little girl who will never have you.
My body hurts to the core
For the adult who's become burdened.

Continuing like this is insanity.
What I put myself through for you
Will never be worth it.
Neither will you.

Releasing my grip will hurt;
Cramped hand from holding so many lies.
But by freeing myself from these ropes,
I can reach out for something new.

So I'll open my first
Feeling the weight lift off
But I won't let myself look back
And watch you drift.

She only wanted some peace
traded her brother to the King
he's in love with her but she does not see
all he really wants is another goblin to sing

She begs him to let go of control
but he has them both in his hold
to complete his tasks she must not dare
he's never had anyone be so bold

He tries to make her fall in love
as the world falls down around their ball
a masquerade that is too profound
she must break through these walls

She tries to solve this labyrinth she's in
twisting and turning she will never win
but her brother she must get back
giving him up was the gravest sin

As she finally reaches her task
and finds the baby she's been after
no more power does the King have
wake up the next day, it all is a blur

I don't know why you left me
during such a hard and lonely time.
I can't understand why I won't let myself see
that you're being more than just shy.
I try to keep my head clear
and keep the thoughts of you away.
Just an empty space after "dear"
too many words are left to say.
Nights are growing darker
sleep is once again the enemy.
Your memory has become much larger
than the strength that's build inside of me.
So sing me that song just one more time
I promise I'll do my best, I won't cry.
But you've lost the words, and your sunshine
two words are all that's left to say...

The day you left
I lost myself
took a part of me
placed it on a shelf

The day you left
I lost who I am
realize now that
death is a scam

The day you left
I became alone
wish for one more time
to hear you on the phone

The day you left
the world was empty
I miss you so much
even though you're free

Disaster in its gravest form
I wish only to be reborn
give me something to hold
I wish only to be bold

The world has turned dark and grey
someone please take these demons away
my mind is now a shattered mess
someone please take away this stress

I cannot feel anything but pain
I wish only to cry in the rain
I feel the world has cast me out
I wish only to be free from this drought

Someone save me before I leave
I’ve lost the will and way to grieve
now I’m spread out on my lawn
I’ve lost the will and way to go on

Dear Grandma

I dreamed of you last night.
You were right there
Talking to me about decorations
and how the turkey wasn’t right.
I heard your voice
it was the same as it’d always been
my only regret is that I didn’t reach out
and hug you, holding on as long as I could.

I wish you were all that was in my dream.
The rest of it has me angry
because there were people causing such ruckus
and they just didn’t understand and wouldn’t leave us be.

When I woke from my dream
of course you were gone.
And so was your voice from my head.
I wished only to cry but the tears are stuck behind this wall I’ve built.
So I dialed your phone
to listen to you voice message.
You’re so sweet, wishing God to bless all.

Oh Grandma what I’d give
for one more hug from you.
Even if it’s in a dream, I long for your embrace.
So I set my alarm back a bit
wondering how late I’ll be.
Trying to go back
and see you in my dream.

Grandma's bows were over the top
so shiny and spectacular
she put them on every gift
it was special, it was her

Now Grandma's gone
and I miss those bows
sparkling underneath her tree
if we'll have Christmas, no one knows

I try to make them myself
I'm trying to preserve her memory
it's not the same without her here
did Grandpa even put up the tree?

I used to wake up each day
and head straight for the bottle
now I hit my knees and say
thank you for keeping me able

No more blackouts and
no more drunken fights
instead, I get to remember
each and every night

Thank you for my willingness
Thank you for setting me free
Thank you for giving me purpose
Thank you for my sobriety

My brain makes no sense sometimes
you can see it in my poetry and rhymes
the craziness that goes on inside
like how sometimes I wish I’d died

It’s a weapon of mass destruction
with self-harm’s flawless seduction
I’m locked and loaded, ready to go
the fuse is burning, I’m about to blow

There’s nowhere to run for me
so writing it out is the key
to keep my head from blowing up
alone in this world without backup

I do what I can to keep it at bay
but I’m a serial brain, what can I say
the truth of the matter is I’m unashamed
of the fact that my brain is untamed

Some days I'm numb
Some days I'm sad
Some days I'm angry
Some days I can't get out of bed

Some days I'm happy
Some days I'm hiding
Some days I'm depressed
Some days I don't know who I am

Some days I'm ok
Some days I'm anxious
Some days I'm pretending
Some days I'm full of regrets

Some days I'm hopeful
Some days I'm suicidal
Some days I'm on track
Most days I'm out of my mind

My counselor quit.
Such short notice.
Today was my last.
Personal stuff.
I understand.
I still hurt.
New guy's name,
is Anthony.
That's already
a hard one to swallow.
Abandoned again.
Have to start all over.

I don't understand
The way my body reacts
Or how it doesn't.

Trying to take care,
Do the next right thing.
Save myself,
Just a human being.

Want to run and hide,
From thoughts in my head.
Supposed to be doing better,
Stuck here instead.

Told they will always be,
Like unwanted memories.
Sto fighting, learn to deal
With monsters and enemies.

Just want, to go home
Where I'm comfortable.
Need to stay, safe here
Instead I'm irritable.

When I’m alone
I get in my head
When I end up there
I wish I were dead

When I’m alone
I get so scared
Feel as if
nobody ever cared

When I’m alone
it gets dangerous
Start to feel like
life’s not worth the fuss

When I’m alone
I’m my enemy
When really I need
to be a friend to me

Another family gathering

Another exhaust-yourself

No matter how much I try
not to pretend
it just comes out
naturally

*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom

This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom
This that no more Gucci tag
this low girl is a phantom
This that dream of suicide
That demon at your bedside
I swear I hat it man
But what do I do ever night

That drown in your own music
Just to stay away from the clique
All my friends are getting boring
They're all dumb, yeah they go stupid
This that sitting in my jammies just so I can be secluded
This poem ain't diluted
One more line, I'm feeling broken

*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom

This that low girl ****** two-step
They can't short me, got nothing left
This that drown me in the ocean
They don't care, I've been no fun
Out of care and self-aware
Yeah, that's my slogan
This that "Anyone there"?
I'm the emo chick whos broken

This that drown in your own music
Just to stay away from the clique
All my friends are getting boring
They're all dumb, yeah they go stupid
This that sitting in my jammies just so I can be secluded
This poem ain't diluted
One more line, I'm feeling broken

*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom

This that drown in your own music
Just to stay away from the clique
All my friends are getting boring
They're all dumb, yeah they go stupid
This that drown in your own music
Just to stay away from the clique
All my friends are getting boring
They're all dumb, yeah they go stupid
They go stupid, they go stupid, they go-
And you expect me to change? *******!

*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom
*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom

I need love
I need belief
I need trust
I need compassion
I need comfort
I need healing
I need empathy
I need support
I need exsistence
I need kindness
I need patience
I need relief
I need protection
I need family
I need peace
I need forgiveness

I judge you for keeping these things from me,
Yet I can't find it in myself to give them to you.

If I were to change my name
I’d no longer be who I am
then what’s my writing worth
and do I even give a ****

I’ve changed myself before
it never seems to work out
past days always ending in
guilt, shame, and doubt

But I don’t doubt now
that I need to stay the same
sharing my truth and story
until freedom is what came

I am yours,
Or so it seems.
I give my all,
My everything.
Every night,
You continue to take.
My silent screams,
"I'll break! I'll break!"
But still you chase,
Still you win.
And once again,
I’ll give in.
I give my all,
My everything.
Because I am yours,
Or so it seems.

Wake up
it's 6:00 AM
yet another night
you've ***** me again

Hips are aching
mind in a fog
all I can think about
is the way you got off

Using me for pleasure
that's all you've ever done
so tired of these nights
and the battles you've won

Want to end it all
and be free from your grip
this has been exhausting
and such a grueling trip

Don't want to be your toy
or used for such sick things
want to rest easy instead
of fearing what sleep brings

Lay down
it's 10:00 PM
afraid to sleep
here we go again

Nightmares and terrors
you're knocking on my door
"Hello again
my ***** little *****."

Or race around the maze
I never can escape
if you catch me
my body you'll undrape

Somebody wake me
someone set me free
I'm so tired of fighting
my night time enemy