Racing, racing
why won’t you slow down
I have them so much
I’m sure to drown

Here’s one
now there it goes
make room for another
how long it’ll stay, no one knows

I wish they were pretty
I wish I could say they’re good
mostly they’re on ending things
and my ugly childhood

It makes my head hurt
trying to focus is a chore
all I can think about
is how I was a young *****

They keep racing and racing
these thoughts that I have
some call it bipolar
I just call it bad

Seems all my life
I’ve struggled in the night
Told misprinted lies
And yet I continue to fight

False intentions
Must do this on my own
No one to help me
No place to call home

Thoughts so crowded
In my head you have snaked
Now I can’t be my own
My privacy is raked

Wish only to be alone
Without you in my head
If I can’t do this then
I feel better dead

My brain tells me nonsense
like to put down my defense
with self-harm’s flawless seduction*
I can feel the reduction

The blade glides nice and smooth
going over every scars groove
then beads of ruby gems form
falling gently, they feel so warm

No bandage needed, watch it drip
more slices, my skin I’ll strip
with no defense to say stop
I’ll keep cutting until I drop

What’s the point of writing this
nobody seems to care
I could spike my soul right now
but nobody would be there

My work is short and childish
there is no depth you’d say
but you can’t see the tears
that have dried on this page

I only wish to heal these wounds
and know someone can relate
I’m so tired of being full
of sadness, anxiety and hate

So if you happen across my words
and you’re also feeing blue
just know you’re not alone
I feel the darkness too

He comes to me every night
haunting my memories so I can’t sleep
he is the demon of hate and fright
the one that steals all of the light

I sleep with him most every eve
he is the reason my depression thrives
for my happiness he does thieve
I wake up from terrors and grieve

I find him in my bed next to me
a visual that most no one would ever want
I try to sleep on his terms but how could that be
when closing my eyes beasts are all I see

So instead I lie awake with eyes glued open
refusing love to the monster next to me
I must remain and give him none
because of this sleepless dance I am done

We all float here
but I’m alone my dear
Stranded on this silver moon
waiting for someone to swoon

We all float here
where there’s no cheer
Stranded on this silver moon
waiting here since last June

We all float here
where the sky is clear
Stranded on this silver moon
to the stars I’ve become immune

We all float here
yet I’m alone with a single tear
Stranded on this silver moon
my only friend is this red balloon

I could use some extra love today
you see it’s my mother’s birthday
and we do not get along
because of her monster that’s so strong

He likes to steal children’s innocence
throwing their life off balance
and then feed the world with his lies
this monster I truly do despise

But my mother she fell in love
away from me she did shove
choosing him over her own blood
leaving me kicking mud

So I chose to cut my mother off
at her toxicity I have scoffed
but boundaries can still hurt
when you’re the one left in the dirt

Stuck in this place again
how did I end up here
was it the self harm
or wishing for the end to be near

I could feel myself falling apart
little bits swept afar
will I ever get them back
or are they kept somewhere in a jar

It’s lonely here without family
nobody to turn to for help
I feel like my heart is tangled
in a sea forest of kelp

I want to get better
and find happiness again
such and impossible task
in a world without a friend

I can’t stop thinking about Mom
and all the things that went wrong
how she should’ve chose me
since we’ve talked, it’s been so long

Or the trauma from my past
how Joey and Ray ****** my life
will my head ever be good enough
to become someone’s wife

And how Grandma was stolen
from this Earth far too soon
I wish I could talk to her
instead I talk to the man in the moon

So many things haunt me
the stress just piles up
I guess that explains
why I’m stuck in a rut

So I’m stuck in this place again
writing in a journal not my own
trying to get better
trying to get home

I go to the groups
and I take all my meds
but I’m still not improving
and I’m stuck in my head

How long will this take
will these wounds ever mend
maybe I should have done it
put my suffering to an end

Instead I’m on pink slip
who knows how long after that
I guess if anyone needs me
well you know where I’m at

I sat watching the tree
with his hand on my knee
remembering the night before
and how he made me a ***** *****

I was too young to know
that I’d given him a show
so, Christmas Eve, he stole
every ounce of my soul

He thought it was okay
for every year he tried to play
with my emotions again
performing the gravest sin

My cousin made me hate
Christmas and all it creates
it’s like milk gone sour
when he left me in my darkest hour

To dream of a place
Where all pain has been healed
All we know is love

Good, but better is better

******* and your control
******* and your hold
I want my mind out of this hole
I want my mind out of the cold

******* I said, and your power
******* I can't stand anymore
I want my mind free from this blur
I want my mind free, I'm not a *****

******* just let go
*******, *******!
I want my mind to flow
I want my mind back... I can't stand it!

Standing at the edge of the sea
she dreamed one day to be free

Free like the moon beaming above
flying high as if a dove

Doves of love is all she wants
but memories still they haunt

Haunting her she’s been mistrewn
instead she stares at the silver moon

Moon of Wonder and freedom
beneath it her wings will blossom

Blossom now she can be free
and fly above the peaceful sea

It’s happening again
trapped by his weight
laying on the couch
my body fills with hate

He has no care for
the little girl he’s tearing apart
the feelings he brings to her
and how he darkens her heart

I’m terrified of him
never knowing how far he’ll go
shaking, here comes ****** of sin
I’ve never been so low

He never stops using me
I must learn to escape
put myself in another place
learn to focus and admire the landscape

And when he is done
and he leaves me alone
I remind myself I won
and I did it on my own

What if I’m being judged
by the ones I say I love
Can’t they see I’m trying to heal
and working on being real
Can’t they see I’m trying hard
to heal everything that’s scarred
Moving forward is no joke
I meant every word that I spoke
But this is the end of our journey
you’re no longer good for me
Know I’ll be there if you call
but I’m afraid that is all
Because you were never there for me
left me hanging from my tree
Never there when I needed you most
instead you decided to turn ghost
So I am now moving on
this is the only way to be strong
Putting up my own boundaries
stone cold walls if you please
It didn’t have to be this way
I really wish that I could stay
But it’s time to take care of me
in hopes that one day I will be free

Look over me
I am not important
Like the unnecessary comma
or the hyphen you run through

I mean nothing to you

I am of no meaning
to the sentence at hand
Nor the poem that your reading
it doesn’t stand a chance

I don’t deserve to advance

I told you I am wasteful
you should’ve scrolled on by
This was such a misuse of your time
reading my cry for help that makes no sense

Now it’s back to being on defense

I remember changing that night
into my long T-Shirt
you came in as I took my ******* off
a look giving me what I deserve

Going to sleep was hard
I knew you were in the other room
but it didn’t take very long
for you to sneak in like a snake

You climbed on top of me
the words you spoke I don’t remember
one hand on my face
you slipped inside and had your way

I felt my insides tearing
I felt you with every ******
I wished to cry and yell and scream
but keep quiet was a must

For next to us, my brother slept
so peaceful he dreamed
I surely didn’t want to wake him
Santa was coming, it’s Christmas Eve

When you decided you’re done
and my world was over
you slipped away smiling
and that’s when suicide first visited me

I feel like I should be done
with the mess, you left inside my head.
I've had the time to work through it
and keep myself from ending up dead.

I feel like I should be better
since you're gone and in your home.
Why do I focus on the fact
that he's happy and free to roam?

I feel like I should be happy
I've been working on it for months.
Instead, I'm stuck running each night
trying to escape from your labyrinth.

I feel like I should die
maybe that would solve my problems.
But I keep fighting this battle
and demons most can't fathom.

Touch me
Burn me
Hurt me
Break me
Ache me
Caress me
Kiss me
Cuddle me
Feel me
Hit me
Rub me
Taste me
***** me
...**** me

You feel so ignorant
When you share and express
Everything that haunts you
And what makes you a mess.

Yet nobody listens
Nobody seems to care
Unwilling to lend help
Or even say a prayer.

But once it's their turn
To cry on your shoulder
Your existence is essential
Forcing you to grow colder.

Don't take time for yourself
Accusations you've gone ghost
Even if being alone is
What you really need most.

Crazy, crazy
this is my answer true
I'm half crazy
all for the lack of you
I don't need a ton
no I only need one
A little bite
to work just right
And get me away from blue

I sat there with drink in hand
wondering what I was doing with my life
how could I expect things to change
or to ever make this woman my wife?

Next day I walked into a room
full of people I did not know
but as soon as they told their stories
it was as if I started to glow

"Keep coming back," they said
and so that's exactly what I did
they help me one day at a time
as this addiction, I try to rid

9 months I've gone now
without having poured a drink
all the things they've taught me
it really makes you stop and think

So trust in this new beginning
and the direction I'm heading in
for in these rooms I've found myself
and developed brand new kin

They say I am healing
but that’s scary to me
never been down this road
never have I seen these trees

They say I am healing
not sure if this is so
I still have bad days
And hit ultimate lows

They say I am healing
I’m terrified to see
the person coming out of this
will she still be me?

They say I am healing
I hope this is true
I need to feel something
other than feeling blue

Writing and writing
trying to stay away
from the escape that
rests within my blade

Writing and writing
until my hand starts to cramp
wish to feel instead,
an ankle that is damp

Writing and writing
trying to find release.
Why isn't this working?
I just want some peace

Writing and writing
until all the ink runs out
maybe I've written myself
into a burnout

Slowly I feel the tension creep,
Up my back to the base of my skull.
Beneath the weight of my sins,
I begin to slowly crumble.

The knot forms with a grip so strong,
My head no longer wants to turn.
Memories keep flashing so fierce,
Along my spine it starts to burn.

Pulling tight the tension increases,
A pain unbearable above my right eye.
Like the ghost that tortures me within,
Something that doesn't go away with a high.

Vision obscured by shapes and colors,
Eyes glued open with so much fear.
For if I shut them I'm petrified,
Details of your face may reappear.

How exhausting this battle has become,
When all I do is keep losing.
As I lie down and wait for it to pass,
I feel myself reducing.

I wish I could just scream
and let my demons out
instead they’re stuck inside
and I’m in a drought

My feelings will not escape
I can’t cry when I’m sad
the demons are in control
turning everything to mad

They’re beasts inside of me
that I wish I could let go
but I’m in their grip
and it really shows

If I can’t get away
from the monsters in my head
maybe I’d be better off
if I were just dead

This day has come
as it does every year
I can’t formulate the words
or even shed a tear

I’ve become immune to you
almost dead inside
too old to ask silly questions
of when you left us, why?

I do not send well wishes
I have no wish for you at all
funny how we’ve always had a way
of making each other feel small

Do you even remember a time
when I was fragile and small
you held the world in your hands
then you gave away it all

Do you realize how
you’ve torn our family apart
stuck your hand in its chest
and ripped out its heart

I doubt that you care
with the monster by your side
diving into his evil smile
even becoming his bride

Do you enjoy the taste
of sin on your lips
after a share of his kiss
during a midnight eclipse

Does the scent of his victims
linger on his shirts collar
making him more tempting
as my world grows smaller

For the more you choose
the demon over me
the more that I realize
we were never a family

So I have to build up my walls
and grow my heart dark
I can’t let you inside
you’ve already left your mark

The missing piece from my
shattered but patched up heart
forever a reminder that
mother and daughter are apart

Five years old, or maybe I was six?
The first memory I have to hold on to.
Hiding in my room as screaming begins,
So vicious the poison words they spew.

I drift to sleep but not for long,
Dad swoops me into the truck.
Pitch black outside, my brother crying,
Brain still groggy; mind is amuck.

In the parking lot we sit,
But he won't let me go back to sleep.
A large truck pulls across from us,
Secrets my mother could no longer keep.

With a violent screech Dad takes off,
Truck jerking with every shift.
No words are spoke alone on the road,
Into the night I start to drift.

We wake the next day at Grandma's house,
To a car parked with strangers inside.
Mom's come to take her children back,
And away she swept us like a riptide.

That's the first time I ever met him,
I had no idea who he was.
I did not know what was to come,
That day after we left Grandma's.

When we got home he fixed the doors,
And helped Mom take out the trash.
I had no clue it was all lies,
It happened so quick; in a flash.

A relationship developed quick,
He seems to be so good with kids.
A statement that in a way is true,
Trauma burned behind my eyelids.

But as I grew older feelings changed,
His need for power became too strong.
A story I wish my mom believed,
Forever I'll wonder what I did wrong.

My hero wears no cape
there is no signal to call her near
somehow she always knows
when it is that I need her here

Her hugs are magic
fighting off my bad guys
never does she ask me
to come down from my highs

By day she’s working hard
along side her coworkers
never would they know that
she holds all of my anchors

My super hero looks normal
but she only looks normal to you
to me she is perfect and my everything
she truly deserves her debut

Just try to ignore him...

Ignore his stench,
Like sweat drenched fears?
Ignore his laugh,
Like a shrill in my ears?
Ignore his face,
Like a revolting ghoul?
Ignore his imbalance,
Like a battered mule?
Ignore his touch,
Like a rugged wrench?
Ignore his darkness,
Like an endless trench?
Ignore his power,
Like a stifling net?
Ignore the things,
I beg to forget?

Alcoholic,
That's what I am.
Numb,
That's the brand.
Comfort,
That's all I want.
Memories,
That's what you haunt.
Escape,
That's what I try.
Inside,
That's where I die.

The lights dim and a curtain's drawn,
A quiet theater as the show begins.
It's the same reel playing on repeat,
A shattered heart broken from sin.

He lies next to her as he'd always done,
Reliving his day through adventurous stories.
But something about him had changed that night,
The girl became something he had to seize.

A kiss of the lips catches her off guard,
"I'm sorry" escapes from under his breath.
Her chest so tight no response can form,
What comes next will surely be her death.

One hand on her side and he pulls her close,
Another kiss as he poisons her lips.
She can feel his excitement begin to rise,
He slide his leg up to part her hips.

Interlocked now she's trapped beneath him,
The weight crashing down on her soul.
A rhythm forms while his body presses in,
Her own feelings are now out of control.

The heat grows and a pulsing begins,
Something she had never felt before.
A feeling one should be allowed to enjoy,
Instead she feels like a ***** *****.

He leaves her lying there confused,
An evil grin creeps upon his face.
Where once before a bulge began,
A wet spot had formed to take its place.

No apologies now as he shuts the door,
Alone in her bed she begins to shake.
The man she thought she could look up to,
Had become the one to make her break.

And on this scene she now feels stuck,
Burning a hole through her mind like tape.
A scene no one will choose to believe,
Because it was never actually ****.

Laughing at me
with their evil grin
different shapes and colors
I want to take them in

One for each label
that’s been slapped on me
some do their job
others were told to leave

They’re even in my dreams
playing tricks with my mind
I can feel each one of them
they’ve never been kind

Still on my brain
through the day as I write
trying to stay away
and do the thing that’s right

But they sit in their bottles
with their demented stare
I wonder what would happen
since nobody is there

I’ll have to move on
they’re playing with my head
“Do I really want to live
or do I wish to end up dead?”

My world has turned bleak
my desolation you seek
even in my smile
you can see this lonely mile

You can hear it in my laugh
how it’s all on your behalf
my happiness is fake
for my sense of self you *****

When I’m playing with my son
I need a drink of bourbon
to keep my anger at bay
it doesn’t work dare I say

In times of depression I find relief
in my blade, but it’s a thief
stealing my days of sobriety
to your world this is the key

You have me trapped in your grip
with chains of regret you are equipped
reminding me of trauma from the past
making me think happiness shall never last

Darkness won’t you let me be
I just want light and to see
but if we shall become friends
then make it darker, make it end

Dark and demented
my thoughts circle round
my head swarming
as if a nest thrown on the ground

If only I could catch one
then maybe I could see
why they keep circling
and tormenting me

They dig in deep
never letting go
I feel a demon myself
try not to let it show

So dark and demented
these thoughts have become
they’re getting to my soul
I now feel undone

Shield your eyes, don't look my way.
Keep your words hushed, pretend it's okay.
Speak about, who you think I am.
The life I live, and the world I'm in.
Once my back's turned, point and talk.
You think you know me, and how I walk.
Place your labels, upon my scars.
Act like you know, what the reasons are.
Use choice words, and shift the blame.
And then shelter yourself, from feelings of shame.
Live your life, with me as your joke.
Never regret, the words you spoke.
The day will come, and this too shall pass.
Just like your ignorance, and being an ***.
But it seems, the days pass too slow.
And the nights come, with little hours to go.
The nightmare begins, as the sun rises.
A never ending hell, full of surprises.
I only wish, the end was near.
Hello happiness, and goodbye fear.
But the lesson in life, is that it goes on.
Filled with pain, just like our favorite song.
So we keep moving on, through mountains of snow.
With so much before us, and little hours to go.

Oh how I dream to be free
but you just won't let me be
if I could, I would flee
but I'm stuck feeling achy

Oh how I dream you'll let me go
these things happened as you know
your lies hurt me and make me low
please won't you just let me grow

Oh how I dream one day I'll be ok
no longer will I have to be afraid
happiness comes, putting down my blade
forgiving the ways I was betrayed

Shakes, so deep my body trembles
with anxiety taking hold once again.
I thought I could run away but
it seems this one is with me forever.

Aches, stomach in knots over stress
that I cannot take control of.
Sick in the middle of the night,
body trying to purge this evil.

Brakes, on tight as life is moving too fast.
This year's brought so much pain,
hard to believe you were here
it was only back in May.

Takes, much more to heal
then what I have to offer.
Maybe that's why everything
shakes, aches, and breaks.

I know what's coming,
I want to run away.
Maybe a deeper disire,
Always makes me stay.

He slips in behind me
Cuddles and watches TV.
Then he touches me and moves me,
And never once with a plea.

His rythm begins,
One leg bracing me in.
Leaving his hand down my pants
Grabbing at my skin.

With fury and anger
His force comes to an abrupt hault.
Unsatisfied and unloved,
I'm left shaking, in fault.

A few days later,
We're in the same routine.
Cuddles and watching TV,
But this time, I turn away from the screen.

One leg bracing me in,
His hand still down my pants.
Grabbing at my skin,
I'm hoping for a trance.

With fury and anger,
His force comes to an abrupt hault.
Unsatisfied and unloved,
I'm left shaken, in fault.

God is dead
never was
crazy head

If there’s a hell
I’ll be there
it’s just as well

Eyes sewed shut
afraid to see
stuck in a rut

Dreamed it up
called Christianity
waiting to erupt

Keep the flock in line
listen to lies
not in my rhyme

Demand devotion in his name
drowning in hypocrisy
all the suffering and pain

God is dead
never was
crazy head

If there’s a hell
I’ll be there
it’s just as well

I'm angry
I'm sad
I'm anxious
I'm mad

I'm exhausted
I'm uninspired
I'm pissy
I'm tired

I'm drained
I'm barren
I'm depressed
I'm done

Come in
Slide behind
Start our rythm
Get on your grind
Forget my feelings
I'm losing my mind
Don't need real life
To you I'm blind
Can feel every ache
Wish I could rewind
Know I'll always be hurt
To you I am confined
Just waiting for the day
To be reassigned

Oh how I long for a blade,
Rubber bands don't do the trick.
A sting that feels so temporary,
Uncontrolled so goes the flick.

Oh how I long for a blade,
This welt is just not enough.
Repeatedly striking against my wrist,
Skin recognizes the bluff.

Oh how I long for a blade,
Cold stream of red is not the same.
Ice shrinking from inside my thigh,
So close to the origin of shame.

Oh how I long for a blade,
Effortlessly I watch it glide.
Numb to the demons that are within,
Another day I will not die.

Shades over my eyes
make the creepers look back at themselves
feelings from inside
really want to take the blade off the shelf

Lost in the mood
envisioning ruby gems from my arm
fresh and new
I know I could do so much harm

I am a maniac
poor black spray paint on my windows
if I’ll stop
this blade’s power, no one knows

Raging now
on my way to heaven or hell?
When will the fantasy end?
It’s all just as well

A letter...
to you.
But what would I say?

No.
Stop.
Don't touch me that way.

At least that's what I should've said.
But I just lay silently instead.

Thief.
Coward.
A magician, for they don't see.

The hurt.
The shame.
The mark you left on me.

Why does
R  E  L  A  P  S  E
feel so
... good?

Why does
c  o  u  n  t  i  n  g
take so much
effort...

It feels good
to have your name called
to have a poem read

and they already know who you are

Crisp white sheets
fall into routine
no more "sweets"
they must wean

in the psychiatric ward