"golfing" poems
Strange question indeed,
So I asked one and all;
Explain to me:
“What's a plumber's ball?”
Family and friends
Heeded my call,
But none could confine,
Refine or define it,
Yet Paul was sure
He could design it.
Still, none could satisfy
My caterwaul:
“What the hell is a plumber's ball?”
Does it sweat the pipe
Or wiggle the snake:
Can it clamp the ******
For Heaven's sake?
Could it snap on the cock-hole cover?
All these queries
Made me wonder.
Has it something to do
With hardness leakage,
Or ******** the ball-cock
To stop a seepage?
Has it anything to do
With a saddle valve dripping,
Electric eels,
Or two pipes mating?
And, I heard of male and female fittings,
And should I worry
If I'm standing or sitting?
If you're discharging the head
Or elongating the pipe,
Does the plumber's ball
Help it snug tight?
Is it in my tank,
Or in my bowl,
Beneath the floor
Near the drainage hole?
Is the plumber's ball
In the back of the truck
(Jeff laughed and said
One could rub it for luck).
I asked Michel
If he could tell,
He sensed it was something
He could smell.
I sought out Ray,
Perhaps he'd know,
But he was on call
To restrain a back-flow.
I couldn't ask Gary
For his wisdom and sense,
He was wigglin' the snake
To unclog a wet vent.
Henry, Rick, Scotty and Brian,
Gave shameless answers
I couldn't rely on.
It's not a crapper, tail piece
Or Johnnie-bolt,
Or catch basin, reamer,
O-ring or pipe dope.
So I searched the Net
With a fool's wonder,
And read of ball-checks,
Gas ***** and plungers.
I know it's too late
To ask Rolly or Ross,
For both of them knew,
And that's our loss.
And Ernie's gone golfing
So I can't ask the Boss.
With final resolve
I fell to my knees,
To pray St. Ferrer
With grace intercede.
His silence left me
In a state of depression;
Had Ferrer washed his hands
Of the plumbing profession?
So nothing could settle
My wherewithal,
I still didn't know,
What's a plumber's ball?
Suddenly, it hit me,
He's never wrong,
The Dalai Lama of dip-tubes,
I'll ask John.
Where others did falter,
John's a rock:
He knows the difference
Between a gas and ball ****
With a knowing smile
He embraced our Hall:
Here, good friend, is your Plumbers' Ball.
Sep 22, 2014
Sep 22, 2014 at 9:10 AM UTC
A guy named Jim from Delaware
Liked golfing in his underwear
Whatdya know and son of a gun
He finally got a hole-in-one
Guess he'll hafta get anotha pair!
May 19, 2015
May 19, 2015 at 1:24 AM UTC
they are so worn out
but I can't let them go
so faded orange
***** white
and dusty black
my socks peek through
little frayed holes
they've been with me in the best of times
but not in the worst
these are ones I got in the beginning
they ushered in the golden years
they've been bird watching
they've been mini golfing
they've been waiting to slip into
on so many mornings
after so many nights
they've listened to me sing Taylor Swift songs at the top of my lungs
in a little blue car
mobbing through this quiet little town
at a quarter to midnight
summer rain pouring down
with my best friends
with my first real friends
on those nights that are my ideal
the ideal of being a teenager
of being young
and in love
not with a person
but with a feeling
they've absorbed these feeling
absorbed the love
the stars
and the high
the high of being alive
spinning in circles
so close to the edge of adulthood
they hold me on the precipice of something new
and when I fall
they go too
Apr 7, 2012
Apr 7, 2012 at 9:32 PM UTC
We stood in a circle in the parlor,
Jim was chatting with his golfing crones;
Her body was there for the viewing,
But we're keen on his hole-in-one.
We gave him our proud approval,
We chorused, Jim, well-done!
Then Jim took his turn on the kneeler,
To ponder before her coffin.
We all know the cold humility,
That an ace needs a load full of luck;
Yet we're pleased to hear all his details,
From the crack off the tee,
To the flag in the cup.
I waited for my turn behind Jim,
I overheard his solemn words:
*... an eight iron... bounced once, then straight in...
Oh, and may you rest in peace too, Mrs. Hobin*.
Sep 20, 2018
Sep 20, 2018 at 9:41 PM UTC
I remember as if it were yesterday,
You were helping me with math problems once again,
We would sit there for hours,
Sketching various triangles with one simple pen.
I can never forget,
The college-level words you asked me to spell,
We both were in complete fascination and suspense,
As far as I can tell.
I recall you teaching me a bit of yiddish as well,
"Yachna and fashlepta chlank,"
I annuciated so well,
This was no prank.
I remmeber beating you in shuffle board,
But It still might have been a tie,
Because you played exceptionally well,
As good and sweet as pie.
I will always remember,
Our long walks in Greak Neck,
Papa and Shari bonding,
While watching the beautiful scenery from the deck.
I remember you took me to the beach in Greak Neck,
Where we surprised Bubbie with a large horseshoe crab,
Bubbie was frozen will fear,
And almost took a cab.
The late night outdoor concerts,
You used to take me to,
I became really fond of the music,
And the massive amount of ***** in you.
Now I know this next line is going to seem quite strange,
But I remember blowing the garage door open with all my might,
Thinking that is how it's supposed to open,
And proud of myself for shining bright.
One of the best of times,
Was when you took me to the golfing range,
I swung the club multiple times missing the ball,
Calling myself deranged.
The days when we all went to ihop,
And to piccolos for lunch,
Everything was delectable,
Thanks a bunch!
We've been to the movies many times,
Where we'd sometimes surprisingly cry,
Bubbie would say, "Oh, my God look at Papa,"
But your reasons for crying were beautifully justified.
Just the thought of me coming to visit you,
Makes me form such a luminous smile,
Because there is no other Papa like you,
A Papa so outgoing, loving, and all the worth while.
Apr 23, 2013
Apr 23, 2013 at 8:54 PM UTC
Three women were out golfing
one day and one of them hit
her ball into
the woods. She went into the
woods to look for it and found
a frog in a
trap.
The frog said to her, "If you
release me from this trap, I will
grant
you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and
the frog said, "Thank you, but I
forgot to
mention that there was a
condition to your wishes- that
whatever you wish
for, your husband will get 10
times more or better."
The woman said, "That would
be fine." For her first wish she
wanted to
be the most beautiful woman in
the world. The frog warned her,
"You do
realize that this wish will also
make your husband the most
handsome man
in the world, an Adonis, that
women will flock to him."
The woman replied, "That will
be okay, because I will be the
most
beautiful woman and he will
only have eyes for me."
So, **** - she's the most
beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she
wanted to be the richest
woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make
your husband the richest man
in the
world, and he will be 10 times
richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be
okay, because what is mine is
his, and
what is his is mine..." So, ****
she's the richest woman in the
world.
The frog then inquired about
her third wish, and she
answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
Jan 24, 2010
Jan 24, 2010 at 5:34 PM UTC
One thing we know about Trump is that
Whenever he criticizes someone,
It's often for something that he himself
Does or previously has done.
When he campaigned, he criticized
Obama for golfing. Such a crime!
Now that he's the president,
Trump is golfing all the time!
He blasted Obama for lack of transparency
And accused him of being feckless.
Trump's own transparency comes
To light only because he's so reckless.
Trump says the media should
Be less hostile and model civility.
Then he attacks the press and others
And carries it out with utmost hostility.
Our national security:
An issue to Trump, yet now it's known
How much the hypocritical man
Loves to use his unsecured phone.
Hillary's emails were often a target
Before and even since the election.
Trump's fake concern and constant
Complaints: examples of his projection.
Emails are now in the news again.
This time daughter Ivanka is using
Her private email account for government
Business! Isn't that amusing?
Oh, you hypocrites! You act as though
For you the rules do not apply.
But if there's any justice at all,
You'll get yours by and by.
-by Bob B (11-20-18)
Nov 20, 2018
Nov 20, 2018 at 11:11 AM UTC
his star is on the rise again
he's the king of the fairways and greens
he has revitalized the golfing game
he holds the number one position
he's the premier player of the world
his fans are really wrapped
his name is in all the sports pages
he's back to slay his rivals
Apr 1, 2013
Apr 1, 2013 at 7:12 PM UTC
I don't think love has a definition. So giw do I know that what I felt, what I feel for you isn't love? And I know that I'm just me and I'm not inside if your head but I want to believe that you feel something for me too. Maybe it was all just a game. But I believed you when you said it wasn't. Everybody deserves a happy something and even though this whole **** thing blew up in my face I did get that. I got that happy something for a little while. What about you? I want to say that I wouldn't go back but honestly. If you showed up right now I would make love over and over again with you. I would feel pain and happiness religiously if you wanted it too. But that's the thing. Maybe I love you and maybe this is just wishful thinking but I get to decide. I choose more. I know you don't and I get it. But I would kiss you in the rain and make you laugh and try to be **** and cuddle and listen to your sleepy mumbles. I'll sing in the car and eat not enough food and go mini golfing and make love and kiss you until our breathes become one. Know this. Know that I am an option. You simply chose to give up.
May 10, 2014
May 10, 2014 at 9:53 PM UTC
I remember the first time you Said we will be best friends
I scoffed at the idea me? Having a best friend? No
But you showed that you were I told you my darkest secret
Thinking you would bail after Hearing the awful story….But
No you stayed by my side Sticking to the idea that you
Will be my best friend. You have been there at my good
The bad, and the downward Spiral. You were my lighthouse
In the mist of the storm giving me hope to see the land
Those days where we went mini golfing and me making
Fun of the way you played and beat you on the last hole
Sinking the ball in a hole in one and winning free ice cream
The days when I invaded your study hall, lunch table, locker
Just for a laugh and to see you to do our signature pose
When we went to prom and had a super great time dancing
Picture taking and making memories that stick like paper to glue
I’m hours away, miles apart but I know you will be there no
Matter what. You’re the single most blessed thing to ever
Happen to me. Every night I look at our goofball picture
From homecoming and look at how great high school
Was, but now I’m in college. You are my Un-typical spirited
silly cheerful white girl and many things have changed but
One thing will never change in my life and I know it
I love my best friend.
Jan 30, 2015
Jan 30, 2015 at 2:06 PM UTC
Eleven strong went in to bat
When dusk was in the air,
Eleven strong did face the wall
For others had shown flair.
They'd mustered up a goodly score
They’d shown they had pinache,
They'd demolished Tunnel bowling
And made our field work look a hash.
Eleven strong went into bat
With gritted teeth and ire,
Eleven set the pitch alight
With galantry and fire.
The leather ball was massacred
A pounding it did score
With repetitious boundaries,
Drilled cover drives and more.
The marker looked excited
The sweat ran down his brow
And as the score did level
He had to ask the Angels how?
And the providences shone
Upon this galant Tunnel team
For Claude's classy, deft square cut
Ensured we grinned the winning gleam.
Cricket is to Englishmen
As golfing is to Yanks,
And cricket played with pageantry
Make the civilized give thanks.
And cricket played with elegance
Fills the English heart with joy,
And Victoria Park Tunnel Team
Have downed an ale to victory's ploy!
Marshalg
Victoria Park Tunnel
Auckland
17/2/2010
Feb 17, 2012
Feb 17, 2012 at 5:53 PM UTC
The manicured lawn behaves splendidly all summer
never pushing its way through the throngs
of flower beds and razor cut edges.
How pleasant to look at a tempting golf course
in my backyard with no nine holes in it
but a coffee club sunk just out of sight of the lawn-mower blades!
I guess that's a way away from the lady of the house
who cannot always see how men must tamper
with manicures and pedicures with brazen coffee cup
tricks to catch a bit of practice on handicaps and nine holes!
I like those Sundays, especially, when she goes off to bombard
the saints with a litany of rosary beads and complaints
on why I bring the outdoor golfing into her indoor lawns!
I don't want to talk about how poor my putting is though!
If I had all the money in the world tucked into my bank account
I could go off and buy me an 18 hole ecstasy
but that's not possible. So until my numbers show up
on the one dollar ticket, I'm happy to build my dream
on this one hole, 10 sq yard coffee cup implanted
retirement plan. How about you?
Author Notes
Mini golf course at home.
© Marshall Gass. All rights reserved.
Apr 7, 2014
Apr 7, 2014 at 12:11 AM UTC
As a non-golfing husband I revel at tales
Of sunshine filled days chasing small *****
Some in the rough others in sand,
All these brave girls fighting nature's pitfalls.
I hear of the times the flock of wild ducks
Hindered a drive that was perfectly hit,
And what of those trees that magically moved
With a subsequent shout 'I just want to quit'.
But then I'm regaled with feats of great skill
Such as the time a Birdie was made,
Out comes the flask, big glugs all around,
Magical moments that no-one would trade.
They say Golf's a passion a lifelong pursuit,
One day may be heaven the other pure hell,
Neither cool mornings nor that full midday heat,
Apparently stops that will to excel.
Yet there's one thing I notice each week,
Yes the real pleasure from playing the game
And what's not to like from those magical views
But without one's good friends the day's not the same.
So to all poor Golf widowers awoken by shrilling alarms,
Then never quite knowing what time we'll see our fair brides,
There's a much higher calling we can but embrace,
'Happy wife happy life' the true gift this pastime provides.
Dec 11, 2023
Dec 11, 2023 at 8:31 PM UTC
“Boys will be boys,”
The bully’s parents said.
All that talk of discipline
Went over their heads.
The older boys at school
Gathered around the kid
With the glasses on his face;
Knocked them off his head.
Their words questioning
His manhood and his folks
And nobody paid attention
To the nature of the jokes.
“Boys will be boys,”
The principal said.
He washed his hands
Now one boy is dead.
They waited in an alley
Until the boy walked by
A place they knew for sure
No one would hear him cry.
They each one ***** him
Then one guy had a knife
After he killed the boy
He called him a lousy wife.
“Boys will be boys,”
The police officer said
Then used his baton
On the black kid’s head.
A black kid found the body
Of the white kid in the mud.
He brought the local cop, who
Thought him from the hood.
He beat up on the black kid
And took him to the jail.
Nobody knew about him, so
Nobody made his bail.
“Boys will be boys,”
The juvenile judge said
He closed the case
Went golfing instead.
There were no forensics,
No witnesses were sought.
No evidence of quality
Was asked for or brought.
The system had its criminal
And quickly put him away
And that’s where he is living
Until this very day.
“Boys will be boys,”
Never really worked
It only ever pointed out
That the speaker was a ****
Dec 3, 2015
Dec 3, 2015 at 2:42 AM UTC
I'm the little housecat
who hangs out with dogs
plays with frogs
and yarns at the shiny ball
I'm the little girl
who'd rather play football
than volleyball
and would rather not text my crush, but call
I'm the old man
who'd rather go swimming
than watching who's line is it?
or golfing tournaments.
This is why I'm misunderstood by everyone
they see it one-way and I see hundreds
Which way is acceptable?
I'm the little boy
who thought he was into girls, because they called him a man
but grew older to find out
I love other men.
I'm the art student
whom everyone says that should just drop out of school
take a different major, be a boss, make rules.
Then discovers that without art they'd be as lost as the world of fools
It would seem everyone has their own opinion
about what everyone else should be, or what and how everyone should do
However, each choice made.
should be the choices made with you own heart.
So what you want to do.
Feb 23, 2017
Feb 23, 2017 at 7:38 PM UTC
A PLANE CRASH AT ESSENDON AIRPORT
AMERICAN TOURIST LIVES LOST
HERE IN AUSTRALIA ON A GOLFING TRIP
NOW THEIR FAMILIES COUNT THE COST
MEN OF CHARACTER AND STRONG STATURE
WITH A VARIED LIFE TRAVELLED
LOOSING THERE LIVES WHILE ON THIS TRIP
NOW THERE FAMILIES LIVES ARE UNRAVELED
OUR HEARTS ARE VERY HEAVY
OUR THOUGHTS ARE DEFINITELY WITH YOU
LETS HOPE THE FAMILIES MEMORIES
COMFORT THEM AS THEY DO
Feb 22, 2017
Feb 22, 2017 at 4:32 PM UTC
Without asking for more than the simple sweet simplicitys,
I am bounded by the same laws and rules for life.
No use in explaining the values of eccentricities,
We are all tools for the media, for what they strive.
A product of the temptation for power over others, we will stay
The same forever, entrapped in ice with our sisters and brothers,
The silly dreams we have, our pursuits. A tiny bit of concern to the
Rich-who live to find the right eyeliner, lip gloss-or the best set of
Nine Irons for golfing or business suits. Some day they will
Get what they deserve, some day...some day.
But too bad for me, some day came a little too late...
Mar 10, 2015
Mar 10, 2015 at 1:08 AM UTC
Our freinds are that our family we love to have them stay
for food and entertainment its always meant that way
for laughs and lots of golfing and tons oh tons of chat
is great to see them yet again for loads of this and that
Our freinds that are our family are great to be around
making fires and washing pots thats what its all about
we hope so sure we'll see them soon in warmer climates bound
in sunny parts of Malaga a welcome home is found
Feb 11, 2011
Feb 11, 2011 at 2:48 AM UTC
I dreamt a dream that a polar bear and its cub
entered a home.
A home that I was inhabiting with my mother and father.
At first, it only lounged around by the sliding glass door
(with its cub).
Very sleepy like, very casual.
But we were curious about its being around,
so we traipsed around the door, gazing at it.
Someone opened the door! ******
and I scrammed to some little-boy's bedroom,
locked all the doors, even the doors leading to the bathroom.
Sooner than later, my parents found a way into the bedroom where
I hid.
The polar bear was trying to get in,
to eat us we were assuming,
so we hid under the bed.
Then I said, "let's climb out the window!"
So we did. We sat outside by some bushes.
My dad called me at this moment (in real time),
said the fish weren't biting and he was going to go golfing.
I tried not to sound hung-over.
May 17, 2014
May 17, 2014 at 12:17 PM UTC
From such a young age,
We are taught to give….
And I’ve always wondered,
What does it mean?
“Giving” might be giving gifts to friends.
Is a shiny, paper-covered box
With a blue ribbon and bow
How I’m supposed to say I care?
Is “giving” looking in my wallet
For some spare change during church,
So I have something to show for
When the plate is passed to me?
I’ve discovered, sometimes “giving”
Was when I let my sister sit shotgun
Just to hear mom and her argue while
I’m passing time alone in the backseat.
After all these confused years,
Can I even say what “giving” is?
I have no pretty wrapping paper.
I have no money to put on the plate.
I’m too old to argue about the front seat.
I guess “giving” is when I see the old man
Struggling with that door to the flower shop,
And opening it for him while he grins
From underneath his golfing cap.
Maybe “giving” is asking the young mother
With loads of bags, and kids,
At the corner grocery store
If she would like any help today.
“Giving” is probably handing that woman
Without a home or even a car
Some cash, or maybe some food,
Because she needs anything she can get.
“Giving” is not what this world is these days.
People have forgotten how to share.
See, the problem with this “giving,”
Is that nobody gives a **** anymore.
Feb 2, 2013
Feb 2, 2013 at 2:27 AM UTC
The grave of my teenage daughter
is a restaurant she was born at 16.
I was told she began smoking long reds for long breaks – they lasted 15 minutes at most – and she had her first sip of alcohol there. Coffee liqueur from a straw in booth 14 from a customer who later became her lover.
The next lover was the second to slap her, and following that was the first kiss she ever received from someone she admired – even though he didn’t admire her back.
It was near the gumball machine, right between the hanging claw and the golfing game. Neither had worked in years. But the lights still flickered, and she always used to talk about how the neon chants radiated across his grimace when he asked her for a kiss.
Even he knew it was only for her.
Even she knew it was never for him.
But she agreed anyway.
The waiter told me that she smoked an entire pack of Menthols after, as if to brush her teeth, but it didn’t cleanse a mint memory. It only burned it away, etched it into the cement curb where we last saw her – drinking one last time as the yellowing sky stretched over the horizon and left her smoke as ash against the morning mist.
Oct 24, 2014
Oct 24, 2014 at 2:21 AM UTC
Dark jeans. Deep blue.
Blue V neck. Light hue.
Silver chain. Curling too.
Golfing hat. Grey as you.
This is how I dress tonight.
Not who I am.
So ponder your words
Before you slam
The doors that could
Lead to something new.
It could last a night
Maybe even two.
Who knows what happens
After I simple smile
Or a quick hello
Or it's been a while.
Take the chance
While it's here
And hold this moment.
It is very dear.
After tonight it is gone.
Like the things I wear
Left on the floor.
Do not disregard my kindness.
It's not a chore.
Oct 24, 2013
Oct 24, 2013 at 12:42 AM UTC
I always lose my shoes. I eat a bowl of popcorn every day and never put the bowl in the sink. My hair doesn't always stay in the right side. I told my sister that I wish she killed herself the other day. I have terrible attendence. Deodorant covers up my smell but not my stains. I don't write good enough. I don't like sleeping at night. I'm lonely and I make people leave.
I love deep. I can make kick *** deserts. I tell funny ****** up jokes. I make a mean *** of coffee. I like to swing. I like to dance in the rain. I know every word to the frozen movie. I have good taste in music. I'm impulsive. I like coffee and mini golfing and ice cream and hula hooping in the store.
If you hear me when you are crying wondering if you'll ever meet her. If you need a lover a friend a companion. If too sensitive and slightly child like makes you smile. If your heartstrings play music when you read my words.
Then love me back as much as the moon loves the sun. As much as my galoshes love a puddle. As much as a smoker loves the taste of the inhale. As much as I would love you.
I would love you.
Jun 5, 2014
Jun 5, 2014 at 5:31 PM UTC
Why did they put that sign next to my house?
Now I can't tie my shoes
Barbecue Sunday not so pleasant valley charcoal burning burger land suburban rednecks eating broken meats
Go golfing dreded dressage looking like horse faced ***** pimps in plaid pants
Then the wife swapping sycophants punch the factory time clock nine to five jive
Teachers pet beat me up
Broke my nose so I played with the girls
They beat me up too
Go home after school only to get beat up some more
Slow Children, sign of the times
Modern city filled with much crime
Took Tae Kwon Do to defend myself
Black belt kicked me after I tumpt him over
I knocked his **** in to his watch pocket!
Master was shocked at my determined style
Now I'm homeless sleep under that slow children sign for a while...
Jan 4, 2015
Jan 4, 2015 at 2:06 PM UTC
He was there with you through childhood,
middle school and dances.
He was there with you through highschool,
academics and football stances.
He was there with you for graduation,
such a proud day for you both.
He was there with you for everything,
to witness eachother's growth.
Just because he passed away, doesn't mean he's gone.
He was there with you at the funeral,
although he was asleep.
He was there with you at the golfing trip,
but quiet he was to keep.
He was there with you for the turkey bowl,
he would never miss that day.
He was there with you and all of your friends,
he couldn't keep away.
He was there with you when you proposed,
what a terrible thing to miss.
He was there with you when you got on one knee,
and also for the kiss.
He is with you now while you're reading this,
an arm around your shoulder.
He is there with you everyday,
he couldn't leave his brother.
Mar 4, 2013
Mar 4, 2013 at 9:08 AM UTC