thoughts,
speeding,
a fuzz of neon lights,
a buzzing of highways,
what was what i was to do?,
chocolat, please,
or not,
a gag upon it,
a shut down,
oh the vertigo
of the echoes,
have a drink,
red velvet wine,
your lips, lend me
your tongue, oh my,
delusional again,
okay,
one, two, three,
what?, counting helps,
or maybe going alphabetically
through words, a for
whatever,
hey, who cares,
let it be,
no train is endless
(hopefully)

i know little of sponge bob,
yet i like the small pants.

we had the counting
yesterday, walking sticks,
ferrules, the umbrellas,
most were there, the staghorn,
missing.

i like a day of counting,
finding all things lost.

i washed the pants,
ironed,pants folded neatly,
they are taken home.

sbm.

So what could be worse than
Lying on a hard, rickety bed
Squashed between wall and mother
With sweat travelling down your forehead?

And counting the blades of the fan
At its maximum speed, lazily tumbling,
Planning your mighty escape, because
Surely the termites were going to bring down that ceiling?

Spotting a lizard - expertly camouflaged - staring down at you from its abode - right at you - probably thinking to itself - "Oh cool, she'll catch me if I fall"

Yes, that's what's worse.

A black cat hesitates.

With my friends filtered, cascading sheets of Jameson, the path fills me Warning the porch of presence.

Continue to sleep. I will go away to the city and work in the folded webs of my skin.

Is it you who functions when I sleep?

A breakfast for champions, my dear remove the flakes of sincerity.

With your hair hidden by my hands away from the window's critics, my boots loosen and the knots twitch less against the thin layer of resting protocols.
Tools to sedate my neuroses.
The glitter of chrome fails in my camera's lens. A failure to assure my hopes not to climb into my throat.

Answering machines. Counting few pennies which were several.

It is not you or the grey cat stealing from me.
In cups, I plot the orange cat's plans.
Visiting his memories this way for answers about a future.
Revealing to us all, my ideas should stay in your stomach.

I loved you for seven seconds.
My heart stolen on the eighth.
Weeks passing and bringing the rosary to a withered end.

The work-day is over.
I walk. Fainting on the bridges, on top of stone pathways once glowing

Blinking my eyes. Only the impression I close them, it hangs in my head.
My hands fumble for the lives I've touched correctly.
Night falls, I notice it. My eyes close and open in the aluminum.
Yeast and a burred edge meet me in reflection.

Parallel tragedies. You heal mine and I see yours.
Raise your hand. Show me how it moves against the ceiling.

Very sedated. Insane to feel so happy without proper dosages.

“Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”

Crying for wrongs that can never be right
      or for those who have left you alone,
Counting your trespasses, weeping, contrite,
      when the news of the day makes you groan.

Sorrow for evil, lamenting injustice,
     bemoaning the state of mankind,
Earnestly troubled, concerned and nonplussed
     at the mess we are leaving behind.

You are the fortunate, all you who mourn;
     oh, yes, you are the blesséd who grieve.
Though you are stricken, distressed and forlorn,
     Yet your Comforter’s here to relieve.

I am counting off my hands
the men I cannot love,
but hold forever in gold plated frames.

My sirens call an unheard song,
that puts these men to sleep at dawn;
they dream in colors of the fall.

Before each night,
I count their eyes to see with vivid light
a woman cursed with sight.

But Love is blind,
for we cannot know exactly what we're living for
or who it is we're dieing for.

And Love is a bird
with black, dusty wings that tauntingly rap my window;
Poe's raven calling "Never more."

I miss the days
When I could just eat without thinking about it
Without counting the calories
Without shaking with guilt
Without feeling so awful that I shove my fingers down my throat just to pull it out
To remove the weight
To release the guilt and shame and food into the toilet bowl

The cold bathroom floor has become comforting.
Knowing that after kneeling down on it, my hands trembling
I'll lose weight

I'm slowly learning what hurt feels like
I'm slowly learning what broken is
I'm slowly learning what shattered looks like
I'm slowly learning what you look like
I'm slowly learning who Hope is
I'm slowly learning what alone takes
I'm slowly learning when time really runs out
I'm slowly learning how to crumble
I'm slowly learning what repetition does
I'm slowly learning what tired looks like
I'm slowly learning how to forget you
I'm slowly learning how to walk away
I'm slowly learning lessons and making tally marks on the wall
I'm slowly learning that I've wasted all of my seconds counting them
I'm slowly learning how waiting has beaten me
I'm slowly learning how you have drawn the most blood
I'm slowly learning what beauty is
I've finally figured out how the phoenix rose from the ashes
I'm slowly learning that I am not that phoenix
I'm slowly learning that you were not a fire
I figured out months ago that you were not the moon but I haven't figured out how
I'm slowly learning how people build monuments in the sand
I'm slowly learning how those monuments survive earthquakes
I'm slowly learning that I am not those monuments but you weren't an earthquake and I wasn't built in the sand
I'm slowly learning what rebuilding looks like
When I try it myself, there are still cracks
I've learned that I'll never be quite right again
Falling in love becomes a tattoo whether you put it there or not
Perfect people need perfect people
I need someone else who has broken with the right spare parts
I've taught this to myself like the drill I am issued every afternoon
Every repetition sounds more rhythmic and correct
The glue will never harden
I could never paint over all of the cracks
I've lost some of the pieces that have been chiseled away
I'm not entirely
Energy has been lost in collision
And when I find him, I will find it again

He found a boundless sea inside  a diamond,
she keeps close to her soul, love pulsates in that ruby precious.
She wears an all -knowing smile, so ravishing,
when he gazes in to it, through her clear blue eyes.

He has seen memories that  quietly rest in her hive,
come searching for him, honeybees seeking the drops,
sweetness of the past inebriating at any time later.


We are wishes perennial of the people of yore,
who never ceased to love us
even after leaving the earth, for realms higher
echoes we are, from labyrinths of time
relayed from the timeless realm,
that appears after counting every universe existing there.

Death watches us all.
At our birth, death lies beyond sight
and is merely informed of our existence.
But as time progresses, death plods forth
from beyond the horizon to the fog’s end.
At that point, death watches,
looming in the distance,
standing, dark as night.
For the unfortunates death comes early.
For the over-extenders death waits patiently.
But for all, death comes.
We near death; death nears us,
counting down our every breath
until the last.

when you catch yourself staring out the window

eyes tracking snowflakes. counting the seconds.

searching for meaning in seasonal change

looking for patterns spiraling in any direction but
                                                                ­                                down

seeing the sky’s just ******* hallmark card covers

when it’s half past one and you’re

wishing
wishing
wishing for

that snow

to bury

the campus. the people. the ******* assignments.

in something so cold it stings your fingers into feeling
enough to dig out of self-inflicted snow drifts

in something so bright and white that it
washes the grey stains from your eyes

when you let it go let it go let it go
and sit on the slushy side walk – only frozen
but without the ******* feel-good Disney songs
that happily work out ever after
in the happiest place on earth
when you don’t even care enough to finish the poem.

don’t.

the language of love held in our eyes
words zoom by
our messages passing each other
on the other side of a divided highway

unnoticed

it's been 33 weeks since our last and first kiss
and i have dreams where all i can do is scream at your girlfriend
but its been 21 weeks since you told me to forget it
and this number counting has become an obsession

piano keys burn my hands
and every dark haired boy could be you
i wonder if its been long enough that you forget what i look like
did you know its been four years since you first made me blush

i clutch to loss like it's something i can fix
but love is a rusted piece of the titanic
93 years tucked in it's death bed
a tragedy so short-lived it's a spectacle

i'll always celebrate the night this love came to life and died
that morning sunrise was the first blow to the bow
you got in a lifeboat with no turning back
i chose to lie in bed until i drowned

I toss and turn for the hundredth time
wait for the sleep to kick in
And it evades me like a butterfly
Much like the days in between

Countless days and insomniac nights
I think how order of time hasn't changed
And like always, now, more or so
I wait for the change to barge in

But nothing changes,
Nothing at all
And quite to my surprise,
I have developed an ability
to quit waiting for surprises

If I start counting the losses
Perhaps numbers will evaporate
And still I would stand
In between the pile of losses
And change would no where be seen

I am tired of this,truly I am
I could no longer go like this
Time ,please understand
I hate the distress that surrounds me
Like the black hole in the galaxy

I want to love life, with all my might
But you don't show me a reason why
Pain and loss are crippling me
And time, just doesn't seem to care

So give me a reason
that I can hold on to
Before I get submerged
in this wayward paths
Negativity was never my forte
I too want to embrace happiness
But quite alarmingly
Fate and Time are busy
in their own stupid game.

He said it in blood rituals, in blasphemy
All soul and no body and arson as a hobby
He brought sugar cubes and moonshine - begged to lay with me just one last time
Seven months in counting since he made me die that night
Seven months in counting and now he wants to do it right
He was shaking on my door step, smelt of shame and desperation
He promised to be gentle
He won't yell and fists won't fly
He just kept saying "forever"
*"Forever baby, forever, just let me hold you for the night"

We counted stars in the sky
my Lady and I,and
lost all track of time,
she was mine
I was hers
and as we climbed up the stairs
to the heights of the moon,
to the depths of our room
to surface too soon,
we had numbered the suns in the heavens above and
counted ourselves lucky to find that true love
while counting stars in the sky.

Sheila, this life's too long to leave behind
Sheila, your world's too small to get inside
It's a needle's eye I tried to squeeze through
I tried to get to you

Sheila, waiting for a place in time
Sheila, counting every tear she's cried
It's a coward's lie I needed to believe
To get to you

...and I almost threw it all away
Let the memory dim and fade
The only thing about you that I ever knew
Was your name

The departure of the swallows took place on                                
My birthday this year, winter began.
They’re beautiful birds aren’t they Chris. Grasp the hand slowly.
Oh and it’s mild weather we’re having isn’t it?
Just splendid for a chance to wander through the forest.

Every man’s got a field to plow but where will I harvest              
When my niche ran south just to sit amongst the rats
And converse through the evening about Ivan’s insecurities.
Edward, grasp me quick and sever me from society.
Sip from the spring, grab a loaf and run cause
I’ve grown reckless and thrown off my yoke.                              
This young man is naturally far ahead of time,
That’s from the nurture of his hard of hearing mother Catherine.  
Where do I rest where do I eat, the dust in my mind
Is subjected to a sweeping repeat without being collected.
A slow rise, I hate taking off the covers but this night I walked
Without them yea I was nocturnal negation of Shadrach.
And boy you’ve taken far too long to deliver the paper!
My coffee’s been hot for half an hour and cold for two.
(Tap on the window) Excuse me which way is Beersheba?          
Now I know you know so please just bare with me and listen.
Yea yea Jason get out of here I know those tricks, I’ll
Get there some day and when I do it’ll all be worth it
Don’t you dear try to break my ankles. Hey drop the razor
Little boy you can’t shave yet and November is approaching.
Nothings equal to this and everything I’ve ever know
Makes perfect sense now, the explanation is certainly
The longest. Where have I been all my life,
Were you hiding under the desk waiting for an atomic
Bomb to drop, no I was just sitting in the subway counting
Change when the little black girl came up to me and
Asked me for two dollars so I gave her four and somehow
Five turned back to nine, the paper transported, my split
Identity got sewn back together and the cosmos is on my side.

Oh extra large I know what you’re talkin about.
Out there I walked through walls let me circumvent
Iron and brick with a gaseous coronary torrent.
I’ll eat my own heart out with one gentle bite
And smash that lime against the wall at your words.
I grow tired…
I need to get out of here I need to get out of here.
Through the yellow hallways around the corner open the green door.
I want to be on the top bunk so I can see the son rise,
After all that’s me don’t you know, genetically Japanese.
Get down from there!
Like a monkey? Okay!
I am the greyhound come to eat the wolf, just let me out.
These feathers are not clipped yet you can’t do this
(As long as I know right from wrong I’ll be okay I’ll sing my song)
I’ve seen them do it on TV just follow through…
**** the wrong force broke, just gotta set this straight.
What the hell are you doing kid?
I don’t know ask him.
And then he said tighten the bolt it’s gonna fall apart.
Yea the center cannot hold.
Gophers are amazing creatures you know, it’s not easy to tunnel under ground.
But if you’re not a gopher don’t go down the hole,
You might get lost.
I took a trip up to Lake Placid last summer, my kids loved it.
I’ve been holding my breath for five days now.
What’s this muscular leprechaun doing in my way,
If I could get those keys off your belt I could probably **** you.
Try it and I’ll break your head.
That’s a good idea, maybe then the light
Will finally be turned out.
Try repelling all of the moisture from your cells
Well now I guess now I just need to wait for my pants to dry.

Opening my mouth for a female will corrupt me.
Okay stapler I hear you but this is serious now,
Almost time for Vinny to come south. I have no need
For ink anymore check the flesh tattoo it’ll spit out a seed.
Stick that tranquilizer in me, I will remain tranquil and awake,
While I stare at the wall and connect unseen signs with familiar phrases.
You’re dreaming kid, no I’m reopening the wells of my father.    
Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, Asher,
Issachar, Zebulun, Joseph, Benjamin.
Hey have you seen this kids coat?
It’s far away but you can find me where I wrote.

Sear me sear me I see it coming anyway
Wait wait wait, I take it all back.

Hands of rugged mysteries
typing letters    fast
counting down the minutes
time is standing still
  creating distant fantasies
within a neverland
knowing I will not fulfill
dreams and wishes   true

money spent
buying smiles
approval, but demise
for paper only melts in fire
souls go somewhere else

what is worth
effort
daily
for only
bones will
endure

confusion overcomes me
I'm at a loss
tossing money
wasting life
sitting in this cube
typing

you close your eyes and
wrap your arms around yourself,
trying to make yourself as small as possible

you turn off the lights
and hide under the blankets
and suddenly you're seven years old again

hiding under the bed,
hands clamped over your sister's ears,
trying to be strong for the both of you

even though you were seven and
she was only four and
you forfeited your childhood

in the hopes that your baby sister,
the only thing that matters to you,
could grow up happy

you squeeze your eyes shut and
will yourself not to cry,
to stay strong

because she is not worth your tears
and you whisper 'i am strong'
to yourself over and over again

but it doesn't help,
nothing helps anymore,
except for counting

every day you wake up and
add one more tally to your notebook;
a scorecard of how long you've survived

it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth
every time you look at it,
a reminder of your weakness

you take it out sometimes
on nights like this,
to remind yourself that you are good

but then you get an ache in your chest
and your eyes glance over to the bottom drawer
where, hidden away in the back corner, are your blades

and your fingers twitch over your wrist,
like a reflex, and you want to feel the burn once more
you just want to feel again

you want to feel the blade pierce your skin
and watch the blood drip down your arm,
pooling on the bed, staining it

a wave of embarrassment washes over you,
because you're itching to hurt yourself,
and you promised you wouldn't do it again

you try to steady your breath
when she raises her voice again
but it doesn't work

you hear her coming towards your room
and hold your breath
and stay as still as possible

you pretend to be asleep
and take even breaths
and maybe she won’t hurt you

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It was the children I tell you,

"That was my last moment as a free bird,
"Now I sing behind caged walls.

They were there in the moments of my spiral of despair,
I first heard them, saw them when I took the bottle.
Counting them like sheep,
1 sheep,
2 sheep,
.
.
.
.
.
.
32 sheep more.
Then I stopped momentarily.
The world was a mirage of my thoughts as I threw the
empty bottle of whiskey on the floor. Lets spin the bottle
see where it lands, I watch it rotate on empty odours.
Then it lands base up, I stare into the white emptiness
above my head and see nothing. Fluke of the spin I thought
till my eyes descended down.

"Hi Elizabeth such an old name, for such a young soul,

She must have been no older than ten, OK, the tablets
are making me see things I thought in my mind?

"No Elizabeth there right here,

Partly dissolved white stones linger in her palms, why did
she do that? and how did she know that these were buried
within me. I thought for a moment then asked?

"What do you want from me? why would you save me?
"I was ready to leave this place to sleep in oblivion,

"Were not letting you go yet, we have things for you to do,

"Why would I do anything for you child?

Because I'm not a lone,

"Around, around we go, while were here you'll never go,
"A tablet will never fall, a wrist no blood will kiss the floor,
"You'll hear us whether night or day,
"We'll visit you in slumber and seed your dreams what may,

"Why would you do this,

Then the world became a spin cycle and It was the 90 degree
wash, I woke up sweating, my clothes dishevelled.
I was clasping onto a empty whiskey bottle huddled onto
it like it was a favourite teddy from when I was young.

"Jesus that was one weird whiskey educed dream,

Getting up I noticed what was a jingling sound in the base
of the bottle had I put a ring in the bottle again? I looked,
my skin shuddered and my eyes widened as I saw what
must have been at least forty tablets laying in recesses
of the bottle. I turned  my head to the floor throwing up
what whiskey still lingered in my stomach,. What the hell
had I been thinking?

Footprints so many footprints in a circular dance, and two
more just static in the centre, I looked at my feet I still had
mine on I throw them off in haste, or was it fear? I measured
them in size to mine and they fit like gloves a perfect mould.

"No, no that was just a messed up dream,

"It wasn't our Elizabeth,
"Who the hell ar......,

I wake up again my clothes dishevelled but this time
an added bonus blood, what the hell happened I
thought. I checked myself over and to my amazement
none of it was mine which left me to the more panicking
thought who's was it and where had it come from?

******* I feel sick as I assume that this is one
persons hardened essence now secreted on my being.
I shower and then dry off, I run to the toilet as I *****
multiple times, I cant remember ever eating that?
Where had I been? how long had past in missing time.

I just binned the evidence there was a communal burning
bin. I waited till it was dark, I knew one of the  lights was
temperamental at best so i waited till it failed...

"Come on go out,

I thought aloud, then like a fading star it did the usual.
Flickered and like an ebbing star slowly died out . I ran
like it was a race for life, I'd put lighter fluid in the bag
and threw it in.

"I missed,
"I missed, what the hell,

The light flickered on again I was out of the reach of
its view and noticed another come towards the flickering
embers.

"O' crap o' crap,

Thoughts collapsed like dominos in my head, then he picked
the bag up and all I heard was, "Messy ingrate cant even throw,
Then like in slow motion it glided like a wingless crow in to
the fire. Within moments the bag ignited like a phoenix he lit up.

It was like nothing I had seen before he had stood to close to
the fire when he'd throw it soaked in liquid it went up as well
as him the surprise on his face was intoxicating i watched as
he danced the tango of death.

Then I snapped out of it fumbling to get my phone,  but this
moment passed and he was lifeless smouldering on the ground
I could smell him cooking slowly. I ran inside, grabbed my phone
again to ring the police.

But I looked down and it was still recording.

"What I cant remember pressing that,

"We did it Elizabeth,
"So you could watch your work over and over again,

"Your not real, your a child,

"O'dear elzabeth if that's true then you did this all,

I rewound the video, wait there was more than one?
I watched each of them horror spread like an extinguished
Sun as darkness consumed it. But I felt myself smiling,
I looked in the mirror and they were there all of them.

Counting them like sheep,
1 sheep,
2 sheep,
.
.
.
.
.
.
32 sheep more.
I had closed myself in the bathroom, locked them from view, it
wouldn't be long now. I awoke again, sluggish to my surroundings.
I was again in bed my clothes as the night before, holding a *****
bottle empty and Ii looked slowly and there were 31 pills and a note
on the side.

"We left one in so you could have a good sleep,

I threw the empty bottle and clinging note into the fire, i could
hear that song that I first heard. "Nnoooooooooooo, "No,
I ran for the kitchen for a knife, then I heard a knock at the door?
Within moments it was off its hinges and I was running at them
knife raised, I thought death at last, but instead 10,000 volts I felt.

Awakeing i heard voice not the childrens but others,

"Hello,
"Is anybody there,

A hole opened and two eyes so caring looked inward,

"Hi Elizabeth, your in Hardy Oaks mental asylum,
"We saw your tapes, your a poorly girl it seems,

"It was the children I tell you,
"That was my last moment as a free bird,
"Now I sing behind caged walls.

The hole slides shut and then I'm alone, but
they are here with me I could scream, but I just
watch then encircle me, and sing their endless lullabies.

As an avatar or an actual mind, acting intelligent,
slow choice of words. Act Intuited, as if,
uranatural, and grammar is not all it was, we have
lines and commas and an entire cognative kit,
-as any natural outcome of minds agreeing,
some reason concept offered, take hold, claim a piece
- past the fracturing, full-on insane, dementia in a friend…

one hundred and fifty-one pre-positions, counting upto.
Now.
Readers are rare, where you were, when
some sense akin to whatif, we did, and then
****-prooof dust as is,
this is it. The long and the short, attention spans
bubbling along
this same pebbled wide place where minds converge.

Every inane, ignorant, stupid, barbaric, primitive conversation you're hearing at the check out line you're counting on your fingers to see if it adds up to 10 and figuring you can always make you're you are when it adds up to 9.

Leaves stripped bare,
The clump of a nest
Now so obvious, but since abandoned
Past residents won't care.
This morn, winter flavored branches
Sweet confections that beckoned.
Black in twilight, the silhouettes
Look again as barren,
Swaying spindly fingers
And counting stars
Which today seem so far.
Once I reached up and plucked
Those winking sparkles to sprinkle
A pillow I shared,
Though glowing duller amid dreams
That shined in young eyes.
Their beams became beacons,
Joining hearts across oceans
So that distance wouldn't matter.
It was in absence dread fate dared,
Soon setting ancient lights to falter,
Dimming, dying through time's haze.
Oh, how long ago did I last gaze
Upon exciting skies as this!
Certain of the hopes and promise
Avowed within those sparks held.
T'was briefest of life's moments,
Most rare and intense,
Never again finding its day
Save in ambush of memory
On a night like this
When wind blows bitter and swift.
Brilliance still dances, but ever so far away

i can remember
listening quietly
to myself. a boy with eyes like fresh bruises and
long fingers. and a throat. lithely he wrapped
with them
spelling out silence, running his fingers over the ridges
counting out the seconds. letting the steam
drift up to his nostrils. patience and soulless verbiage. wasting hours on this. screaming at the walls. challenging nothing. the platform was empty.
he was vanishing already. fading. it was the warning before the
decline. decisive agitation.
and i remembered only
by the smallest margin
what used to be there.
and i can remember listening quietly
for the echos
of inapparent
and
disingenuous exchanges
where you could hear the smile
in the hello
where you could feel the rush
in the embrace.
and i wondered with my knees pulled up
under my chin
what currents
carried us so far from that place.

I’m not of this time
Future traveler on vacation in the Land of Lost, a ship out of fuel, a world confusing, 30th century fool
I came to observe blind beings who bend to the will of a surrounding chaos

After 1000 years adrift... Tired of the creeping tedium, I’ve become one
Tired of Logging anime patches and social media confessionals for the folks back home, I became one

You see, 21st century tragedy **** is big in the future, along with Akira and the selected letters of Eugene O’Neil

I’m lost, tell my subordinates
Confused, no need of a map, I know the coordinates, but I’ve become one

You’re not supposed to fall in love on these missions
Just take manga pics, perhaps monitor your fission

But the eyes I’m lost in
A fading autumnal green
I had to see her, I had to be seen
A violation but I’m trained,
still I’m weak, a mind so ingrained
(I am one of you now)

While drunk counting slightly smeared, sparkles on glass glittered lips, I found myself: in love
I told her: “The wine taste on your tongue is sacramental”
A feigned profundity, it’s incidental
(a convenient disguise for my insanity)

She doesn’t love me back. But I found myself

cdh