It's like a spineless monster
As it claws right up my throat
First it takes my voice away
And next I start to choke

It digs it's nails right into me
And grips me much too tight
Holding me in place
As I will myself to fight

It sits right on my chest
So I can't make a sound
And my hands start to sweat
As my heart begins to pound

It takes complete control of me
Never letting go
So If I were to need your help
It'd never let you know

One second there
The next gone
One second grounded
The next floating freely
Reality and fantasy
Constantly switching
In and out
In and out

The worlds no longer bright
Our sun has been banished
The moon hidden behind the clouds
World wide power outage
All lights gone out

A beautifully, intricate creation
Formed by a child's imagination
Capturing life through another's eyes
No room left for abnegation
The paintbrush bleeds as an artist cries
A clean canvas presents us with endless tries
Art is an unrestricted liberation
Accessible during both lows and highs
Acting as life's illustration
As our society's restriction dies

One again the world resets
The moon leaves, replaced with light
Taking with it yesterday's regrets
As the day seizes us with renewed might
Golden radiance shines through colorful leaves
While the smells of earth engulf me
My lungs are filled with morning's crisp breeze
As nature persists carelessly
Clouds dance across the midday sky
Countless shapes, colors, and size
Seamlessly the day moves by
And once more the moon will rise
As is the path that nature takes
And no matter what, the cycle never breaks

useful, used
taken from until empty
not really wanted
just needed temporarily
until useless once again

I’m scared that if I sleep too much
I won’t want to wake again.
Like my book will be finished
If for a second, I set down the pen

I’m tired, yet I don’t sleep
My eye lids like a weighted blanket
As I live life half awake
While dreaming of a casket

I’m scared of sleeping too much
Scared of losing time
Or of being awake for too long
And instead losing my mind

So, yes, I’m afraid of sleep
Of what affect it would make
Afraid I’ll lose the will to live
And lose my will to wake

But how do I differentiate  
Between too much and just enough
And how do I say I’m doing fine
Without ending in a bluff

I have so little fight left in me
And so, I’m terrified
That if I’m offered a safe place
I’ll never cease to hide

ouch my chest hurts
my head is spinning
all I can think
is what if this is it?

I don't understand.
this has happened before
I've lost you and found you
why does this bother me more

ouch my chests tight
my head is foggy
all I can think
is what if I never see you again

There's this certain feeling
That only some can give
Hurting instead of healing
Leaving you to question how you live

Why am I always out of place
Always wrong, no matter how hard I try
The shame bright on my face
As I choke down the need to cry

Every argument drains me
Leaving their smiles smug
How I wish they'd hear my plea
Instead of brushing my pain under the rug

Why can't the see this calm is fake
How each insult hurts more and more
Why can't the give instead of take
Isn't that what family's for?

I lie here, I listen
Watch as your tears fall
Your whispers and wails
Still, I hear them all
A piece of me yearns
To rise just once more
My hearts seared with burns
My body’s at war
‘Once more’, screams my heart
‘What for’, yells my brain
I can’t tell them apart
Don’t know how to explain
I’m dead now, I'm gone
Please let me move on

hey guess what
i won











i really did love you more

I tear and rip at my lips, leaving them raw and bleeding
Looking bloodied and messy
No one wants to kiss a pair of lips that look like mine
I yank and tug at my nails, leaving them short and bleeding
Looking bloodied and messy
No one wants to hold a pair of hands that look like mine
I love and lose, a consistent cycle
My brains bounces back, my heart taking the fall, cracking a little more with each loss, leaving it broken and bleeding
Looking bloodied and messy
No one wants to love a heart that looks like mine
I pull and pick at all the seams throughout my body
I unravel myself and sew it back together again
I break and fix, a consistent cycle
But I take the toll, displayed by the scares throughout my body, leaving me broken and bleeding
Looking bloodied and messy
No one wants to love a person who looks like me

I can't quite remember
the moment
everything
shifted

when I stopped waking up
feeling anything but tired
or when I stopped going to sleep
praying for anything but the end

maybe it was the day you left
physically, I mean
or perhaps the weeks leading up
the weeks that numbed me to my bones

perhaps it was the months that followed
and the way little parts of me
seemed to just
drift away

I stopped looking both ways
while crossing a busy road
stopped being careful
while walking alone in public

I didn't notice when I stopped running
to the safety of my bed once the lights went out
instead I slowly wandered through the house
no longer afraid of the dark or what it could hide

because what can a car
or a creep
or the dark, where my fears would once reap
do that will ever compare to the way
you broke me

I’ve been dead only an hour
And yet my body feels so cold
My soul has left this world so sour
With no one’s hand for me to hold

I’ve been dead for just one day,
Yesterday my world fell flat.
Honestly, I died a year beforehand,
But now you’ll never know that.

I think I died the day you left
And in the time that followed so
Back in March, the month of luck
I think I died a year ago

And here I stay, resting at last
Finally, I’m free to roam
My heart is stone, my eyes are glass
Truly now just skin and bone

Everyday is like the last
Every week a blurry mess
How I wish to make it stop
Just to hurt a little less

But how could I do that
When the reason for all this pain
Is the only thing I cannot fix
The only thing I cannot regain

When what's causing all this pain
Is a pain all by itself
The pain of losing love
That steals us from ourselves

Oh, the beauty of it
That we've all come to hate
And no matter what we do
No one can prevent fate

Some say stars are ***** of rock
Specks of dust with lack of lore
Or holes, where light peeks in from heaven
But to me they are so much more

See, when I look up at the sky
I see each little burning ember
And late at night when I’m so alone
Their silent guidance gives me a home

Little rocks, so far away
Blocked by suffocating ceilings and walls
Disappearing with the horrors of day
Please say you’ll return when night next falls

You are my friends, you are my light
I look up to you in silence
I don’t shield my eyes, no matter how bright
For you are my everything

I speak and you listen
I yell and I shout
You stay here, never tiring
With you, I’m no cast out

So thank you, my friends
For hearing my cries
For being here each night
I love you guys.

I                                                                ­                                              
don't                                                            ­                                        
       scream                                                           ­                             
                   for                                                              ­                      
                       help...                                                          ­              

but
whisper                                                         ­                                                                 ­              


my                                                            ­ 
    words
              so                      
                  soft...               ­                                                                 ­  

small                                                  


as to not lose my voice
                         on such a meaningless task 
                                                     that will go unheard anyways

I don't think I realized at first
That this would be it
The last time that you and I
Would see each other, eye to eye

And maybe I'm wrong
And someday we'll be face to face
But it won't be the same
As it was that day

And I don't think I understood
That the last time we'd meet
We'll have walked past each other
Without even a greet

We were strangers again
I was air and you were glass
Like we knew that we were here
But we couldn't see past

This invisible wall
That was made from our pain
Which will never fall
And will always remain

So I'll forever remember
The blank look in your eyes
And your face and you walk
Like it didn't bug you, that we didn't talk

Two souls once connected
Now so very far
As we walked past each other
Like the strangers we are

How is it fair?
                     Every time I see you, you look exactly the same
            Same long hair, curly and brown
   Same eyes as before, so bright and blue

   And I wonder to myself
            Do you recognize me, as I do you?
                     As we pass in the hall
                                Does your breath catch, or you heart stall

                        Because unlike you, I’ve changed
                            I cut my hair, and dyed it red
                                   Changed my clothes
                                    My eyes now dead.

I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
My hands won't stop shaking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
And yet people are still taking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
This pain is breathtaking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
It's just so hard faking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
My heart is still aching
I'm waking
     I'm making
          I'm breaking

silenced, unheard
bite your tongue till you feel it bleed
you mustn't be heard, only seen
never truly believed
nor will your screams be freed
for that's what it means
to be one of a society

I see that you’re struggling inside
That you’ve been swept under the tide
But don’t you dare look down
Or you might just drown
Knowing you never tried

i generally didn't know it was possible to feel this much pain












i guess you truly were my first of everything

remember when you loved me?











i do











i'm scared it was all in my imagination












how do i know i ever knew you if all i have are pictures














it feels like a fever dream



















i wish i never woke up

maybe if i don't sleep









I wont have to wake









and then maybe just maybe









i'll be happy

i don't think ill ever love someone
as much as i loved you











and i don't know if i want to

Whole day spent watching
Watching myself, careful
Can't relax, always checking
Just enough, never too much

Blending in, hiding
Nowhere to hide, to be myself
Waiting for night, staying up late
Finally free, alone at last

Brain matter oozing sideways
Adults are oh so dumb
The masked man is on the loose
You need more than just a gun
Shes running for her life
The woods so very dark
Grandmother’s seen as insane
Michael Myers has left his mark

Sometimes I forget what I look like,
My face, my eyes, my nose.
I forget that I have a body,
Hidden beneath my baggy clothes.
I exist so peacefully,
When I don’t think about myself.
So I shun my own reflection,
And hang it high up on my shelf.

So don’t you tell me that I’m pretty.
Don’t look me in the eyes.
Nor glance at me too closely,
Or you’ll see past my disguise.
I’d exist ever so peacefully,
If I didn’t have a face.
Wish I could have my mind without this body,
It’s a massive waste of space.

i think i might just stop caring












it doesn't help anyways