i generally didn't know it was possible to feel this much pain












i guess you truly were my first of everything

I read a book
filled to the brim
with love between lovers
about how she saw him

he held her hand
and rubbed her back
then kissed her forehead
so gently
so sweetly

and i realized
no one will do that with me
willingly

i have too much acne

I dreamt of you again last night
haven't done that in a few months
but **** does it hurt










I wonder if you ever dream of me

How is it fair?
                     Every time I see you, you look exactly the same
            Same long hair, curly and brown
   Same eyes as before, so bright and blue

   And I wonder to myself
            Do you recognize me, as I do you?
                     As we pass in the hall
                                Does your breath catch, or you heart stall

                        Because unlike you, I’ve changed
                            I cut my hair, and dyed it red
                                   Changed my clothes
                                    My eyes now dead.

I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
My hands won't stop shaking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
And yet people are still taking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
This pain is breathtaking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
It's just so hard faking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
My heart is still aching
I'm waking
     I'm making
          I'm breaking

scars mark my wrists like visible stains

the stubborn remains of my pain ridden days

young me, oh so free, my innocent reign

forgotten, so rotten, while my inside decays

Let me sink into the earth’s warm touch
Below the wailing willows roots
And be reborn into one
Single daisy blowing
In the autumn air
For life repeats
And nothing
Is the
End

i don't think ill ever love someone
as much as i loved you











and i don't know if i want to

I always sit in the back of the room, trying desperately to fade away. But as I sat in class one day, I realized it's not just my world that is so very gray.

To my right sat this girl with brown eyes, so sad, so wise. She laughed and joked, turning to me to smile. Her eyes pain ridden. All class we talked, sharing some things, others kept hidden. We were each other's life lines for sixty minutes.

That day she looked so lost, like she couldn't see the room. Her eyes were so glossed, glued to the oblivion in her mind. Her smile had shifted slightly, her laugh not quite right. All the while she gazed blindly to the front where this curly haired girl sat.  Her façade was breaking, but I think she no longer cared about that.

As I watched her watch the girl laugh and live, I think I saw something in her eyes die.

I found myself slowly watching them both, not understanding why I didn't see this before. Or how everyone could be oblivious to the tangible pain that connected the two girls. Everyday I saw more and more of the chain that was drowning the girl to my right.

Each day the happy girl talked to this person next to her, laughing and joking in every way the girl next to me tries to do every day. All the while the girl with brown eyes observed, and each day she slowly became more reserved.

I think she used to love the curly brown haired girl.

She turned to me today about half way through the class, looking about as breakable as glass. And she said with those brown eyes filled with dread:
"I would give the world to switch body's with them, even if in the end it were only pretend. I'd give my life to laugh with her for three seconds, even if I weren't actually me. I'd **** to talk to her, even if I were the one to end up dead."

But I guess she chose to solely watch instead.

I think I'd give
the moon and the stars
to not have to watch you
from so very far


i see you talk to others
and its like
it physically
hurts
and I know
I know that's ridiculous


it's not the burning hot jealously
the one thats makes you
so mad you want to
scream
its more of an envy
because I'm not mad
I'm just really really miserable


so when I see others just
casually talking to you
making you laugh
i feel a weird longing
that just pulls me down


there's this strange thought
that just keeps on
popping into my head
saying that I could love you
better than anyone else can
because I know what its like
to lose my soul to you
and maybe im just self-absorbed
but i could almost swear that no one
will ever see what i see in you

the meds cant work if i dont take them













and yet i dont really care

so did i ever mean anything to you?












cuz it sure doesn't feel like it

Brain matter oozing sideways
Adults are oh so dumb
The masked man is on the loose
You need more than just a gun
Shes running for her life
The woods so very dark
Grandmother’s seen as insane
Michael Myers has left his mark

grief isn't sadness
grief isn't pain
grief isn't something
that words can explain

grief is an ocean
grief is a flood
grief is like having
your feet stuck in mud

yet grief is a stronghold
grief is a rope
grief holds onto you
when life's lost all hope

grief means it happened
grief shows it was here
grief is the proof
that love's never fair

enclosed, secluded
the world disappears
my mind drifts away
sounds muffled, covered
headphones on

eyes down


safe

Dried brown grasses creep around - empty breezes blow
Rest now, for your time has come - as life will persist
A silence has fallen now - the slate has reset
All must die to be reborn - as is nature’s course

Whole day spent watching
Watching myself, careful
Can't relax, always checking
Just enough, never too much

Blending in, hiding
Nowhere to hide, to be myself
Waiting for night, staying up late
Finally free, alone at last

I'm trying not to let
my oblivous parents know
how horrid I've been doing
as to not ruin the image
they've always seen me through
as to not break the trust
they have put into my sanity
while simultaneously trying
to get the help needed
to not leave said parents, ruined
as I lay seven feet below fresh soil

and yet they have the audacity
to pick and ****
at my failing grades
and "attitudes"
saying I'm
not doing
enough


seriously?

don't hold yourself that way
to keep this pain at bay
for as they always say
"its okay to not be okay"
just remember to hide it away
and make pretend, you'll play
then paint away the gray
hide in a hidden ashtray
just to make it through today
so remember, its okay to not be okay
that's what they always say
so long as it's not actually that way

i'd **** to talk to you again
but the thought of hearing your voice
it makes me feel dead inside
not that i'd even have the choice









but oh how i wish..

Solitude is where she lived.
Privacy is where she hid.
She always thought she was alone,
But was never truly on her own.
You see, it lived right by her side,
Promised to be there until she died.
She was lost, within her head.
Although so close, she wasn’t dead.
She thought she only needed love,
Or help from someone way above.
But what she required was herself,
And to work solely on her health.
To find her, and do it first.
With no one there to tell her that,
It screamed to her, and doused her thirst.
It took the stand, brought her home
It cried her name, it called her bluff
Saw her pain, declared enough
Knew her heart, and how she’d lack
The silence woke her, it brought her back

I judge judgers as if I'm different
Didn't realize the pattern I'm creating
Judging people for judging people
I am as bad at those I'm judging

Laughter fills
childhood bliss,
with or
without us
knowing.
Life is
infinite.
Breathtakingly
infinite,
is life,
knowing
us. Without
or with
childhood, bliss
fills laughter.

one shower a night
two naps per week
three skipped meals a month
four plans canceled  
five days of hell
six hours till they sleep
seven sleepless nights
endless days of suffering

constant pretending
no letting my guard down
waiting for the blanket of night
to suffocate me and my grief

these are my deadlines
till im the one dead

It's a different kind of pain
The type that grounds the soul
A release for your brain
It makes you feel more whole
Only lasts a second, gone so quick
Yet its enough, it must be
And yes, I know its sick
But it's the last way left to flee
It's disgusting, it's wrong
I know that, okay?
I'm trying to be strong
Taking it day-by-day
Just don't get how no one can see
The way I'm no longer me

people keep on telling me:
life

                   gets

                                       easier,

                        but

                                  ­      oh

                                                       ­  no,

                                        no

                ­                                          it

                   ­                                                      does

                                                           ­                                   not      


it gets manageable.

so when people say:
"you

              get

                          used

                                           to

                                                        it,
 ­                                           
                     ­                    the
                                                      
      ­                                                people

         ­                                                              leaving,
                                                                ­                          
                                      ­                                                      the

                                                                ­                                           lies
                  
                                         ­                                                    and
                          
                                                                ­                grief",

                                        ­                            I
                            
                                   ­                  just
                              
                             ­       want
                      
                      to
                                      
scream.
because that's just not true.
I'm

         not

                used

                            to

                                    it
I'm

         just

                   numb...

I see that you’re struggling inside
That you’ve been swept under the tide
But don’t you dare look down
Or you might just drown
Knowing you never tried

paper spoons
and rubber seats
to **** oneself
would be a feat
                   five pants
                   five shirts
                   a need for pain
                   no dull edge hurts
                                       one cut to two
                                       can't reach my veins
                                       my hands are cuffed
                                       with rubber chains
                                                         should have died
                                                         alone instead
                                                         this hell is worse
                                                         than my noisy head

Music brings this chilling feeling.
I talk alone to my white ceiling.
Their invasion feels like silent stealing.
I crack and break as my walls keep peeling.
Is this sensation truly healing?

maybe if i don't sleep









I wont have to wake









and then maybe just maybe









i'll be happy

A word, or a phrase
A song, or a tune
It’s an expression of the heart
Always ending too soon
Filling my head, as my world falls apart
While my hands move across the keys
And my pic strums against the strings
My bow playing from my soul
Giving me beautifully torn wings
My musical escape
From the world in which we roam
So I lose myself in music
As it slowly takes me home

****** nails, scraped raw
silent screams, hearts thaw
constant morning, endless night
icy covers, fading light
walls confining, ceiling caves
desperate pleas, useless saves
silent drowning, screaming voice
blistered palms, lacking choice

I

                  Am
          
                                          Mean

That's what I tell myself when something goes wrong.

It's the gum under my shoe that sticks to my brain, clogging my throat so I can't choke it o u t .

I am mean,
but what does mean actually m e a n ?

I guess I was never really taught, so now it's defined by my flaws.
And now my flaws define me.

I am my mental health.

I am my trauma.

I.                                     Am.                                Mean.


My actions morph into my mind,
These thoughts that are no longer mine.

I am the problem.

                                                            I.


                                                          Am.
    


                                                         Mean.

there's a pressure in my chest
a chill that spills through my body
my hands are damp and shaking
I can feel this pain throughout me

had another of those days
and last night was one of those nights
got home and went straight to my room
hiding from the sunlight

but now it's dim and cold outside
I can hear the rain and wind
the lights are off, my door is closed
my eyes now red and rimmed

I did a thing I said I wouldn't
yet somehow I don't care
people say they're here for me
but tell me, why aren't they there?

still it hurts, a slow and aching pain
a kind that I don't mind
it reminds me that I am alive
it reminds me to be kind

because the people whom I love
should never have to feel
the pain of being alone and lost
the pain of feeling real

there's a pressure in my chest
as I go about my day
not thinking of the night before
as I fake my fake "okay"

why didn't you listen
to a single word I said
I finally told you what I'd been thinking
I allowed you within my head

I told you how you hurt me
I explained just how I felt
but you ignored my pain
and your bitter words left welts

I may not have been right
but neither were you
and I'm sure as hell
you're not mature enough to know its true

you didn't even see me
just wouldn't ever listened
I loved you as you broke my heart
and saw you while my eyes glistened

I hear your laugh in my mind
it hurts more than you'll ever know
I still need you here with me
more than I'm willing to show

I hate the way you don't care
and how you just moved on
I hate the way you don't need me,
and how our love is gone

but mostly I hate myself
for loving you so recklessly
and missing you so much
stupid me, thinking you'd always love me

I really am an idiot.