O' my transparent magical sphere
I am aware of your capabilities

I always regard your truthfulness
I bow before you once again

I also bow before the angel
Who gave me, you as a gift

Again I am here with a question
Please let me know the answer

Don't feel any pressure or fear
You are always my near and dear

Don’t hesitate anymore
Just speak the truth, only truth

My question is plain and straight
But still it is not that simple

The question is mind boggling
The question is very troubling

"Which is the most valuable
Which is the most vulnerable

Which is the fastest growing
Which is the fastest moving

Which is the most popular
Which is the most wanted

And which is the most insecure thing
In this modern mundane world"

All of sudden the sphere turned opaque
Then changed its colour in red and blue

Later it was filled with ***** smoke
Quickly replaced by white-white clouds

And then I figured, A word inscribed
What I saw, was a single word – "DATA"

I thanked my transparent magical sphere
I thanked the angel who gave me this gift

I bowed down with respect and regard
Returned with that single word answer

I assessed, analysed and concluded
Once again the magical sphere was true

At the risk of being vulnerable
How do I tell you how I feel?
At the risk of being vulnerable
How do I tell you I still need you here?
I’ve spent my whole life without you
Yet the thought of a day without you now
Leaves me haunted in my messy mind

Mother,
Please tell me I did what’s right
I saved them a stupid fight

Oh my sweet mother
Tonight I want to be alone and cry
When I needed someone, nobody even tried

It’s too tragic to be true
I had the chance to be the person
Who stabbed me, shot me with her canon

I broke the cycle, mother
I told her I won’t be the one
Who steals her boy just for fun

I did what I needed someone to do for me
Not break me
But to set me free

I want to almost complain
Why was I left alone?
Locked out of my own home?

But then I hear God speak to me
Love me the way I wasn’t loved before
Taught me, less is always more
My God, softening my inner core
Guiding me through mountain and the shore
Hearing me when I’m silent and when I roar
My God, my God

sometimes
i bump into the thought
that i don’t really care
about anything

not school
not being pretty
or healthy, or better.

when you wipe off
the good girl cosplay
the soft peach blush
and the freckles
and the lip gloss

the straight a’s
and the sweet potatoes
and the self-discipline

you will find a wild thing
dancing around
in her underwear
drinking iced coffee
for lunch and
doing nothing but
writing and reading
and abandoning any
semblance of sanity

completely consumed
by all the things
i shouldn’t be.

and when i have
destroyed everything
around me
with my negligence
and delusion

when the decent ones
have seen themselves out

when there is nothing
left inside of me

there will always be poetry.

Sometimes it takes distance to bring fury.
The way my mother boils thinking back to what my father said to his children
     When we still were children
     And she hid behind a glass of wine and solemnity.
There's a quavering fire in her voice now when we talk about his ugly fits
     replacing her quavering smallness from then.

When a lanky café singer
     who loved Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds
Stole my breath
     … and something small and soft and white from me in a Monterey
     Monterey parking lot
I cried
I hid
I scrubbed
But you had better believe
     Now?
I burn.
It wasn't my fault his hands were warped and crusted with filth.
His touching me
     did NOT make me filthy.

When the curly haired beauty
     with his biting, crinkling, smiling eyes
     that flash above his mischief mouth
Poured all his sweetness onto me
     Just to have me shocked at the bruises
     Purple and green and sudden on the heels of his softness ,
I was lost and confused
     and blamed myself for his
     swaddle-****** blows
But
I found my brimstone, hours later
     Lapping at my lips after a cardboard confrontation
Just because you have a vulnerable heart
     doesn't mean you have to be a coward.
Clearly.

     Just look at me.

I feel that my soul has left my body.
I am empty.
Lost.
Unaware.
Aloof.
I feel a soft ache where my heart once beat.
A pressure where my brain used to sit.
I am empty.
A shell without a body.
Without a soul.
Now I wait,
For my body to find its way back.
Hopefully bringing my rejuvenated soul back too.
For now I wait,
Vulnerable,
Empty,
Lost.

To guard your heart or wear it on your sleeve?

don’t be gentle with her
she lives with the whirlwind in her mind
changes as the ocean hold her tight
the waves crashes her bones
filling her lungs
up to her throat
you see roses and thorns

don’t be gentle with her
she wear her mending hearts on her sleeve
shattering your walls as you cup her cheeks
cracking cold air while you kiss her lips

Tell me about the first time you sensed my vulnerability. The first time you knew I could be manipulated by your eyes as easily as by your hands- those ****** fingers. Was it so obvious? Did I appear to be that naive, that in need of guidance? When did you see my willingness, my obligation to please? It was well known by you, well abused by you. But most importantly, when did you stop caring enough to do this to me..

A fellow poet made comment on my writing.
A Doctor by trade.
His comment "you are a thinker".
I know he intended no accusation.
In truth he is the first Doctor I have encountered to highlight the worst symptom of depression.
Whilst I continue to seek a cure to the thinking... I appreciate the comment and inadvertent diagnosis.