You wake up
Do you feel jittery?
Panic runs through your nerves
Tired and restless
Heart pumping wildly
8 hours, 10 hours, 12 hours sleep
Still feeling choked by a headache
Numbness filled the back of your mind
Watery eyes from fatigue

Time for work

Getting called in
Do you feel the anxiousness?
The tension in the air
Sweaty palms and feet
As you drag yourself in

You're in
Do you feel calm?
Empty and a lil nervous
The thought of 'I dont give a ****'
You knew where this is going

He screamed
Do you feel upset and angry?
With the demeaning insults
Threats after threats
And you sat there silently
Allowing him to

You left
How do you feel?
Helpless
Agitated
Powerless
Breathe...

Your day begins
Do you feel better?
Work after work after work
Piling up like hills so high
Jittery feelings return

Home
Do you feel dead?
Exhausted and drowned with work
It does not stop here
Unfinished business to continue
Type away with blank stares

Crash.
Your day starts again.

Sometimes I get stuck
And it's hard to tell if I'm ok
But I can always tell that I'm unwell
When I get the urge to talk to you
You do not help me
You do not make me feel positive
And yet I have this urge
To speak to you
To give you the power to hurt me
To give you the power to break me
To take me
To abuse me
To use me
Until I am nothing more
Than an object
Your object
Not a person
Not a set of feelings
Emotionless
Dead
Yet serving a purpose
Useful
Meaningful
Something a little more than
The nothingness I feel

Shards scatter the kitchen floor;
Joel Adams plays through the radio.
Hearts chained down, wrists throbbing.
Phantoms appear, knocking the lungs empty.
He?--She?--Them; they appear on the table,
where guests are supposed to sit. The counter,
the couch, the bedroom (where guests are not supposed to be).

(But you reminisce, they're not guests anymore.)

The shelves are cold--freezing even, like a snow storm
has passed by. Not only that, but the pillows, notebooks,
that spot on the floor, the jacket, their mug.
Every single thing they've touched, it freezes every time,
and it stays.

Yearning for warmth no longer there.
Fire no longer burns, heat but a necessity.
But there is eternal warmth in the body;
the blood. The kitchen is scattered with shards of
mug, and where warmth is found in blood, fingers
squeeze onto pieces of glass.

Once again, it is warm, it is relief.

You feel warm again.
But where blood and body meet, there is no end nor beginning.
Where there was, there is.

(It's always been like this.)

I can give you everything,
I can take you anywhere,
Whatever you want it's yours,
Oh you'll be the queen of this deadbeat land.
I am your ever so loyal partner in crime.
You've bewitched me.

As a king,
I'll break anyone who comes close,
Their heads on sticks and guts for confetti,
Eyes as fried snacks, don't you appreciate me?

Say you love me, won't you?
All those who broke your heart,
Are being torn apart,
Don't look at me like that, lovely baby girl,
After all, God has brought us together,
And with divine intervention,
Comes a craving like no other.

As a king,
I don't want to but-
I'll bury you alive inside your own bedroom,
The family you knew and choose to bother to find you,
Will only see the end of an ax,
I worship you so don't worry about me,
Just listen to God- he's speaking- can't you hear?

I'm obsessed,
I'll confess,
I've wanted to see whats under your skin since the day you said hello,
I promise all I do is worth it,
The blood you've seen was requested by the Father, the Holy Spirit, and the Son.

As a king,
I'll break anyone who comes close,
Their heads on sticks and guts for confetti,
Eyes as fried snacks, don't you appreciate me?

I'm awake
Wide awake at 12 in the morning
Ready for my eyes to be heavy with sleep, but instead my eyes are heavy with tears

While my family is sleeping in the bed next to mine

I lay still and empty of life as not to wake them at 12 in the morning, when the world itself is not even up yet

I could spend my life in the supermarket, going around the aisles
Walking among the plentiful and the abundant
Looking for things to help plug the holes inside,
Looking for something, hungry for something, I don't know what
But something that probably can't be found on shelves
Something that was maybe lost a long time ago.

I seen her first among the cauliflowers
I was looking at the lettuce, but only just
Secretly, like a crack detective, I was watching her
Beautiful blonde Venus, tall and willowy, all by herself,
I watched her buy some broccoli, then move over to where the
    fruit was
There she picked some pears and some bananas -
"Mmmm", I thought to myself, " so you're into healthy eating,
    you still strive to maintain your health
You must still believe in life and things like love and joy
    and hope".

A little while later I seen her again, she was buying a Victoria
    sponge cake
And looking rather wistfully I thought at the huge array of
    chocolate bars and sweets
"A-ha!", I thought as if I'd caught her out, as if I'd found her
     weakness, her vice,
" So you lack sweetness in your life and you try to compensate
      with these"-
Well, not to worry, sure I often do the same thing myself
Temptation Alley I call this aisle - this place
You know, and here's a thought, I! Me! I could be your little
    Sweetie and you my little Honey pie
You wouldn't need to seek this kind of comfort anymore
I could give you words, I could give you lines, O! the lines I
    could give you
Thousands of words running in syrupy streams, sweeter than
     the sweetest honey
That'd dress you up in fabulous gowns, make your eyes widen
    in awe and wonder
Sparkle vivaciously like glittering sunshine on a sea in Summer,
I'd build you up, not knock you down, no! I wouldn't let you fall
The sun it'd always be shining in your heart ".

Next time I seen her, she was in among the wines
Looking a little bit lost like myself with all the different labels
" So!", I thought, "you like to kick loose sometimes, you like to try
   and shake off the shackles that bind, the shackles of your mind
You yearn to be free and wild again, just like you were when you
    were a little child,
To escape all those unpleasant restricting voices, old ghosts from
     the past perhaps
Or maybe dark monsters this world planted inside, that won't go  
    away
You want to make them all seem so crazy and funny and mad
I know, I know, it can get too much sometimes, can be hard to
    take
You know, Me! I'd do battle for you I would, I'd be your brave
    and valiant knight
I'd face down those awful dragons, I'd lance them and trounce
    them, I'd show you the truth
That they were always only mere shadows without any real
    substance behind them,
O! I would".

It was funny but it seemed that wherever I went she was there
    also
That wherever she went was some place I myself would go
It was like her shopping habits were a direct mirror image of
    my own.

She came up real close to me in the pet food section to get her
    cans of Whiskas
" So you own a cat too, I bet he sits on your lap and you stroke
      him gently
And whisper silly funny little catty things in his ears..."

In the herbal bath and fragrances section, she was waiting for
   me again
"So you like to soak in a hot tub, lie back and let the whole world
    just float away,
I could light some scented candles, give you a nice soothing rub
Put on some nice soft calming music, together we'd make an
    otherworldly place
For ourselves that no one else could find - it'd be our special
    place".

I met her again, this time browsing through books in the Books
    section, she was reading the blurbs on the back covers
I could see her thinking, trying to decide which one to choose,
" I hope you pick a good one, that'll make you happy, make you
    laugh and smile
Not the kind that'd make you shiver, cast a shadow over your
    world",
I watched her move over to the music CD's...sad songs and love
    songs, still the romantic I see,
I could see her sitting at home with her cat, reading her book,
    listening to her favorite songs
Dreaming of other lives she might have had and the heroes she
    might have been,
"But we can be heroes still, you and I, heroes of our own lives
We could write our own books, sing our own songs
We wouldn't always have to be looking over at them and theirs,
We could build a world we'd love to look at and wake up to.
O! Yes...yes we could".

I grew curiouser and curiouser about her
Once she turned around and glanced at me briefly, but only for a
     second
She had these wonderful big blue 'rescue me' eyes.

She reached the checkouts first
By the time I got there, there were other people in between us
I watched her, she smiled faintly at something the checkout girl
    said,
She looked like someone who didn't smile an awful lot,
" What a pity, what a shame", I thought, "someone who looks like
     you do".
I wanted...wanted to say something to her before she left the
     store,
I watched her fill her bags, then head to the exit door
I could feel her slipping away from me
" C'mon, c'mon", I thought impatiently as the checkout girl,
     she leisurely scanned my items,
Paying her quickly I bundled everything into my trolley and
     took off in a hurry,
Inside me a voice was shouting "Don't go! Please don't go! throw
    me a lifeline too, won't you!
Because sometimes I feel... sometimes I feel I myself I'm
    drowning, that I need rescuing too".

I could see her car pulling out, it was a small car just like my
    own, nothing fancy,
But wait! There was someone with her... a man!... another man
I was crushed/ torn inside," But I knew you, I understood
    you...better than he ever could",
And then... and then she was gone,
I was just left there standing in the car park with my shopping
    trolley.
Looking down at all the things I'd bought, all the things that me
    and her liked
I thought for a moment that they might magically transform and
    that she'd be standing there one more time, all vibrant & alive
But no! I guess that could never be.

So she went back to her world and I went back to mine,
I went back to my cat and she went back to hers and her man,
She had become just another thing now, just another thing I
    couldn't find.

I refuse to be the puppet
That you dangle on the string,
I refuse to be the person
You always count on for things.

I refuse to have everything
Dumped on me,
I refuse to always be the one
Begging on her knees.

I refuse to be lied to,
Purposefully ignored;
I refuse to be the one
Who is left out in the storm.

I refuse to be left out as refuse;
Worthless, forgotten trash
That you threw out your window,
Scattering my soul to ash.

You take it all out me,
want more than I could be.
What’s the difference between friend and foe?
How thick’s the line and how far does it go?
Handcuff me to my sins, they’re attached anyway,
I see the smirks and grins, can’t hold them off at bay.
The skies are grey, and that’s how they’ll stay,
until the next break of day.

One day I should sever the ties
if I wake up, suddenly clever and wise.
To hell with history,
I’ve got it all memorized.
It’s never been a mystery,
sweetness sprinkled with lies.
There’s no prize, no highs,
no compromise, just goodbyes.

What’s the difference between friend and foe?
I give the answers to questions I don’t know.
You say you care but it’s something you don’t show,
I doubt the sentiment’s there, but it deals a heavy blow.

You take it all out of me,
want more than I could be.
Draining my energy
till I can’t stand or breathe.
The skies remain so grey,
and that’s how they’ll all stay,
I’m fighting for one single sun ray.

One day I should sever the ties
if I wake up, suddenly not hypnotized.
To hell with history,
I’ve got it all memorized.
No note, just a list for me,
to advise but the size,
exposes your true guise.

I won’t even try to pretend,
that we both haven’t went off the deep end.
So what’s the difference between foe and friend?

One day I should sever the ties
‘cause you’ll never wake up or realize.
To hell with history,
I’ve got it all memorized.
And oh, how you’ll miss me,
when no one listens to your cries,
or your sighs, or your lies,
or goodbyes.

I’ve been holding you afloat,
trying to keep you from drowning
in your tears.
I know you secretly have a boat,
but you’ve actually been dead for years.

It may seem like

you're burning away  all  your  worries

                                   that you feel lighter

and it just helps you escape depression

                                               momentarily

                          but continues to eat you,

                  darken, what was once pure;

and push you more

towards the point of no return.


Ask yourself.
Is it the best solution?
Is it really worth it?
Is this the help you need?

Some things should never be burned away.
(And some things can't be.)

I walked myself
off of the cliff
over the edge.

And for you
it still wasn't enough.