the fear
is suffocating
the anger
is motivating
the sadness
is paralyzing

what do you do
when you’ve been doing
your best
and it’s still
not enough?

what do you say
when you know you’re
beaten down
and nothing will
change their minds?

my eyes are tired
of being dry and puffy
my brain is tired of
feeling like cotton
nose is tired of stuffy
throat is tired of lumpy
but mostly i am
just tired

please
all i want
is silence
so complete
and still that
even the ringing
in my ears
quiets

just a little
bit of peace

to reestablish
a connection
from the crossed wires
between my ears

a warm
hazy feeling
beginning to
grow up through
my stomach and
sprout blooms
into my
chest cavity

i don’t want to
live on the run
anymore

on the run?
but all you do
is work and sleep

exactly
i’m on the run
from the rest
of my life

the only place i
feel at home anymore
is a little blue car with
his hand in mine

i’m safe there
we go places
that take me
away from it all

but i always have
to go and ruin it
don’t i?
muddy footprints
on the door
streaks on the window
balled up napkins
propelled by tears
and emotions
onto the floor

i don’t want to be
taken care of
i want to grow
unhindered
up the wall like
the ivy that climbs
fill the lawn of my life
with endless may violets

not the mat
in the floorboards
with trampled debris
of leaves and winter wet
under someone’s
cold feet

i am my own
worst critic
though not my
only critic

but i am the one
i must listen to
in the still after
i’ve locked the doors
i’m the one that
keeps myself from
complete
peace and quiet

i can understand
people and why
they might not
like me
but it’s harder
to understand
why i can’t
like myself

but please
oh please don’t
put me under
a public microscope
please don’t turn
the far side of this
counter into some
kind of fishbowl

because i swear
i am doing my best
but it’s hard and
i can’t handle the
feeling of being
watched

all i want is
peace and quiet
a house
that feels like home
to come back to
at the end of the day

and the only
vicious voice
i must fight
to be my own

Dear Mom

I love you.
It wasn't your fault.
Maybe it was a little bit.
But I'm an adult.
And I made my decisions.

Dear Dad

I'm sorry for all the years I spent angry.
All the seasons I missed spending with you.
Maybe its your turn to hate me.

Dear Brother

Please be better than I ever was.
Learn how to love
And not how to settle

Dear Husband

I'm glad you didn't see the signs
It makes this so much easier.
I love you.
But, you won't think I will.
That's fine.
I'm begging you to hate me.
It'll make the leaving easier.

Dear God

Where were you?

Mondays are a drain
they are dementors
they feel like an anvil
they taste like recovery
and exhaustion
like your neck isnt strong enough
and your brain is rebooting
i am constantly troubleshooting at life
looking for a solution
to make getting out of bed easier

my body begs for forgiveness.
a break, a chance to run away
from this constant pain.
i'm exhausted.
maybe it's better off this way.
who knows who's looking for me.
who knows what they'll find,
i've been lost inside myself for years,
so they need to watch their strides.

I am trying to calm a storm
In my soul
One that's has made
Me so tired
One that has caused
So much pain
It has caused
Me to lose friends
It had at one point
Caused me to feel nothing
There was no emotion
Left in me
I have calmed it a bit
But I don't think I'll ever
Be able to get rid of it

I don’t have the mental space nor clarity to deal with you, for I am mostly just like you
You make mists into fog and steps into mountains
I would apologize if the words didn’t make me feel so sick, and I’m afraid of falling, too
So goodbye or goodnight, whichever comes next
~