Part I:

You broke me once,
and then twice,
and then three times,
But then I lost count.

I can remember sweet kisses you gave to me,
On swollen lips.
Tears that rolled down my purple cheek.
And the prayers I sent to God,
That went unanswered.

I remember the words "no" and "stop".
Feelings of no control.
I can still feel your warm breath,
Hovering over my exposed, naked body.

I can still remember that moment.
When I could feel everything.
Everywhere.
And it hurt.

Unbearable, excruciating pain.
It built walls to keep you out.
But you're still here.
In my head.
In my home.
In my bed.

Sometimes, I see your shadow,
Watching me get undressed.
Intruding my dreams as I sleep,
Torturing me endlessly.

Sometimes, I wake to your voice,
Telling me to love you,
And that you love me,
And you would never hurt me,
We are the perfect soulmates.
But, I still feel my spine cold on the floor,
Colored in black and blue,
And it loves you too.

I feel your sweaty body,
Draining all the life inside of me.
I used to dance and sing.
I used to laugh uncontrollably,
I used to be free.

My body is shattered,
Broken and battered.
Useless and unlovable.
Disgusting trash.

Part II:

Where is my body?
Where is my mind?

What am I missing?
What am I feeling?

Am I alive?

Why did you hurt me?
Gaslight and manipulate me?

I was a child.
You made me bleed.
I was inebriated.
You took advantage of me.
Buried me and everything I wanted to be.

Stop standing there.
Stop following me.
How ******* dare you?
Just leave me be.

I don't deserve this.
You shouldn't be here.
I need to leave.
Please don't follow me.

Part III:

I was bound to you by my silence
Even miles apart,
You silenced me once again,
When I needed to sing my truth.

So much excruciating pain.
I had to crawl out of that grave.
You screamed profanities in my brain.
And I still paved my way.

I sang my truth.
You ***** me.
You abused me.
And so did he.
And now I'm setting myself free.

Who is the woman in the mirror?
This morning it was a fierce woman
Standing in her power
Ready and willing to take on the world
On her terms.
Not just a survivor
But a thriver
A Phoenix Risen from the ashes
In all her glory
Staring right back at you.
The past hurt, pain and abuse
That had kept her playing small,
Lying all around her
In tatters,
Like dust upon the floor,
No longer attached to her,
No power in them.
Only the fierceness
Of the woman
In the mirror

🦁

trusting someone

is like

jumping in the middle of the ocean,

hoping you know how to swim.

In that moment, what do you remember seeing?
       :My eyes were closed.
What do you remember feeling?
       :His hands. 

Tell me more about that?

       :Him touching me. His breath.

What did you smell?
       :Alcohol.

Where were his hands touching you?
  
       :Everywhere 

Was this on top or underneath your clothes?
       :Underneath.

How did it make you feel? 
  
       :Like a doll. Like I was a *** doll. A toy.

What if anything, you can’t forget about that moment?
       :I can’t forget how helpless and alone I felt. I can’t forget how long
        it felt.
Tell me more about that?
    
   :I don’t know… can I take a break
Yes
What happened after that?
       :I don’t know. I don’t remember anything after that. I don’t
        remember falling asleep.
Let’s talk about the following morning. Was he still on the couch with you? 
  
       :Yes
What if anything you can’t forget about the next morning? 
  
       :I can’t forget the feeling of waking up naked not knowing what happened. I felt numb and empty. I was alone in a city that I didn’t know. I
        remember looking at him sleeping on the couch before I left, I
        couldn’t believe he did that to me… I thought we were friends

Pillows getting tired catching teardrops
Searched for boogeyman underneath,
telling him to dry them this time


Wondering how long this would last
Shall I wait until the sun comes up?

No one knew she's dying to die
No one knew she's counting her breath
No one knew she needed help

But then,
no one also knew she survived alone
Drying up her own tears
picking up her broken glass
putting up a brave face
She did not came out from a storm
For she became one