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Destiny Oct 20
+~~~~~~~+

I ran back to you because I missed you.
I ran back to because I didn't want you to be sad.
I ran back to you because I thought it was my job to protect you.

+~~~~~~~+

I couldn't keep my word that I would stay away because I was terrified to hurt you.
I couldn't stay away because I thought I was letting you down.
I couldn't stay away because I wanted to show you that I was trying to be perfect for you.

+~~~~~~~+

I learned that I was so much happier without you.
I learned that I didn't have to be perfect for you.
I learned that it wasn't my job to protect you.

+~~~~~~~+

I am happy without you.
I am me without you.
I am allowed to be without you.

+~~~~~~~+
Despite the fact that this sounds like I miss some intimate boyfriend or girlfriend relationship, this is about my mom and the relationship I will never have with her.
Destiny Oct 9
I was taught by societal expectations that brothers are suppose to protect their little sisters.

I was taught to trust my brothers and to know that they would do anything to protect me.

My family was never normal though, so believing this made me look like an idiot.

I am the only daughter in a family with many boys.

I was so naive and stupid to believe the lies.

It's crazy that my brother who wasn't even around a lot is the one I trust the most.

I was five the first time anything ****** happened.

I had absolutely no clue what was happening and why I was being manipulated into doing.

And even crazier, the  predator was only about 7.

What!

I still to this day haven't told a soul about that night, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

I let it slip out of my mind thinking that it was normal.

From then, he made me do things for him and watch stuff with him that I didn't want to watch.

Everyday, I thought about him hurting me more.

I was 11 the next time.

I had a little more knowledge of what he was doing, but I was still intimidated by everything.

I knew though, that it actually wasn't normal and really should not have been something I had to go through.

I was home alone with him, and I just wanted to be in my room alone.

He was around 13 years old.

That was the first time he had threatened me with the "I'll tell mom" card.

I learned to not even think about telling my parents about what happened.

Thankfully he stopped messing with me for a while because I had moved in with my grandma.

Thank God that she let me.

I ended up getting taken away from my parents, living in an emergency shelter, living in a children's home, losing my dad, and getting moved in with a potential adoptive family before he hurt me again.

I was 15 when he sexually assaulted me in my adoptive family's home.

He had gotten kicked out of placements and came to visit to see if he could be adopted with us.

I didn't say anything because I knew that no one would believe me.

I ended up telling my adoptive parents because I was in so much physical pain.

They claimed that they believed me, but I knew they didn't.

They put all these restrictions on me after he had left and an investigation started.

I was questioned more that I thought I would need to be and I had two of the police investigators tell me that I made it all up.

I felt like I was just a burden to everyone at that point and no one knew all the details.

I wasn't given the chance to tell my story.

Years later, my whole family came up with reasons to justify what he did to me.

They said that he just wanted me to be prepared.

My brother that assaulted me wasn't the only one that was messed up.

My twin brother played a big part in everything too.

He knew that my attacker was going to do what he did to me.

Not only did he know, he told me he wanted to watch.

To this day, almost 5 years later, I have never been able to look at either of them the same way.

My mother still doesn't believe me, but she stopped caring about me years ago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear mom,

I believed you. Why couldn't you believe me?

Dear R,

What did I do to you for you to take advantage of my body? Why did you hate me so much that you could do that?

Dear C,

Why did you want to see him hurt me? Why weren't you supportive?

Dears R & C,

Why didn't y'all protect y'alls little sister? I'm the only one you have!

Dear Me,

None of that was your fault! You didn't do anything wrong! Don't ever be afraid to ask for help when you are in danger. I'm here for you!

Love yourself!
Destiny Jul 10
My mind can't even be defined as my mind anymore
Wormholes exist
Sometimes it gets so dark
Just dark...
Destiny May 6
The reason I was suicidal was not because I hated my life.

I was suicidal because I already felt dead.

I was suicidal because I didn't think I could feel anymore dead by actually being dead.

That is how you know that someone battling suicidal thoughts isn't being selfish.

They think in all reality that they would be doing the world a true favor.

Trust me.
Destiny May 5
Anxiety attacks make me feel like I ran a marathon entirely by myself with no water.

Anxiety attacks make me remember, actually forget how to breathe.

Anxiety attacks remind me that I HAVE anxiety

Anxiety that sometimes I feel like I can't escape from.
Destiny Mar 30
I'm afraid of fire.

I'm afraid of the fire that blazes and melts flesh.

I'm afraid of the fire I feel in my cheeks when I'm embarrassed.

I'm afraid of the fire on the inside when I'm angry.

I'm afraid of the fire in my mind when I sleep.

I'm afraid of the fire on the inside when I'm sad

BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M AFRAID OF THE FIRE I FEEL ON MY SKIN WHEN I HAVE EXTREME URGES

My scars scream...
My skin crawls...
My head spins...

Please go away.
Please go away.
Please go away.

I say it as though I'm calm...

PLEASE GO AWAY!
PLEASE GO AWAY!
PLEASE GO AWAY!

When I should say it like this...

I'm such a failure to myself.
If I pick up the razor, everything I just worked towards will disappear.
I will become homeless.
I will actually have no one.
I won't have anything to live for, which would give me and excuse for suicide being the answer.
I say NO!
SUICIDE IS NOT WORTH IT!
Suicide only kills others on the inside.
Suicide only kills the dreams of your family.
Suicide doesn't even **** you!

You think that if you **** yourself that everyone you've ever met and loved will forget about you.

You think that the memory of you is dead and that's why you think it's okay to kills yourself, when in reality your memory will become more prominent.

You think that nothing will matter to anyone when you breath your last breath, but you don't understand that everything following your suicide will matter more than ever.

You think that this is it...that you'll be in pain for the rest of your life.

Your life is going to be so beautiful!

Yes, you'll have your ups and downs, but so what? You've been through so many of those already!

Stay strong!

Even if it's for your pet fish...
Or your favorite stuffed animal...
Or your favorite TV show to come out with a new season...
Or you to order your favorite food...
Or for you to dance in the rain...
Or for you to make your very first Doctors appointment on your own...
Or to meet the love of your life...
Or to stroll downtown...
Or to go to the fanciest place ever...
Or to ride a helicopter...
Or to go fishing for the first time...
Or to get married...
Or to have your first baby...
Or to go swimming with dolphins...

I could go on and on with this list on why you should go on with your life.

You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Things will eventually get better.
Destiny Mar 26
Me: Hey mom! Do you remember that style of shoe I wore for years?

Mom: No honey, that was a long time ago.
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------
Me: Hey mom! Do you remember doing my make-up for my 8th grade dance?

Mom: No, I was too out if it then.
-----------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------
Me: Gets reverse cared played on me

Mom: Hey, uh, you don't remember seeing me in the bathroom back then right?

Me: Oh no mom! I let you have your privacy. I didn't want to intrude.

Me: In my head I remember everything...
---------------------------------------------------­------------------------------------------
Dear Mom,
     I remember EVERYTHING! The drugs, the stealing, and the lying...we all remember mom! I will never understand why you are the way you are. You picked favorites and basically said "*******!" to all your other children. You even stated that there's no reason for you to keep your sobriety all because your "Number 1 Son" doesn't want anything to do with you! You said that you have nothing else to stay clean for...WHAT ABOUT YOUR OTHER CHILDREN! I'm so angry with you! All the **** I did for you! Just for you to throw away being a mother! What's new though huh? Why did I expect any different? Why did I ever believe in you? Why did I think you would change and defended you when others said you would fail? Why couldn't you just have been a regular ******* mom! I hate you mom! I wish you had never had children because you don't deserve to see our joy after you talk **** about us and tear us down! I'll forgive you, but I'm so mad at you!
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------
There's a mother's love that I long to have that I will NEVER have...

What a mother's love...to just give up on your children.

Thanks mom.
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