a thousand apologies more will not
make spoken words unheard

Hello, is there anyone in?
I need to speak to the owner of this house.
You've been messaging me insults and false accusations so, I've come to clear me out.
And I need you to hear me out.

Today, I've come in many capacities.
I don't know if I'm angry but hell yeah, I know I'm not responsible for your atrosities.
I thought it was a misunderstanding but later did I realize that instead of running to your dreams, you're out here standing and keep blaming me for holding you back.

You say I'm responsible for your lack as if I give you the crack; expected me to stack up your scattered pieces, hit yourself and blamed me for the bruises.

Well..

I am LIMITATIONS.
You say I stop you from growing, give you a range and contain your dreams.
I called you names and rendered you blames,
Shower you shames, made you believe it was real and at the end, it all was just dreams.

I am FEAR
I made you believe you can't make it
I Eroded your courage and made you mentally spineless. I hid from you the reality so you just fake it
And your runaways, I can say, they are countless.

It's so hilarious you know
How you make me feel so powerful.
How you allow me to steer your life and for yourself, you feel sorrowful.
You and your associates have made me seemed indispensable, popularizing and throwning me over your kingdoms.

I don't owe you an apology.
I've thousand reasons to laugh you in the face. Knee you in yours ***** and fist your jaws.

WHY? You really want to know why?

Hey ladies, Do you know Ellen Johnson, Macdella Cooper, Oprah Winfrey, Winnie Mandela?

Hey my guys, Do you know, Mahmud Johnson, George Weah, Aliko Dagote, Tony Elumelu, Mark Zuckerberg?

You're not Different from them.
They just made decisions that you refuse to make.

They ignored me so they became great.
They refused to allow me decide what's best for them. They escaped the cages I built, the limits I set, the laws I made and the boundaries I erected.
They looked beyond the present and if you wish to be like them, then it's time that you start to see through their eyes.

It's like I need to start penalizing people for willingly giving me control over their lives and later accussing me for their strives.

Today, I'm here to let you know that, I only take as much as you allow me to.
Destroys as much as you permit to.
Without your mentality, I am nothing. I'm a
Your virus, parasite, I feed on you. I exist only in your mind and I'm nothing without you thinking about me.

Oh!!! I just unleashed my secret.
But I guess you know now right?
So it's up to you to make your life what you want it to be.

It's time to COME OUT
and convince me that you're bigger than my limits.
COME OUT and rewrite your story
COME OUT !!

Trust me, you don't want me here again.
Because, my next visit will be more than just for clarity.

GOOD BYE

Audio File:  https://soundcloud.com/prttybrdpoetry/i-thought-i-could-swim-until-you-stopped-me-from-drowning

in the middle of my silent days
you ran interference through thoughts whose only purpose
was to run interference through
anything good
or possibly good
that made its way into the rotation
of random pain
keeping me rooted firmly
on the backhand of a smile

snapped in place like the snapping of
my bra in the hands of middle school
boys that found it awkward to walk
when my puberty
kick-started theirs

so, 'SNAP'
there goes my dignity in that
seemingly innocent violation
that no one ever calls by name
where silence gives them permission
to make fun of my already mortifying
body changes that
took me from innocent and invisible
and ****** me into the spotlight so no one would notice
the way they were mortified
with their own reactions to my puberty

I hid behind oversized sweaters and sarcasm
never looked a boy in the eye
stopped talking
so maybe I could
pretend I was invisible and happy
or at least not naked
beneath these people who stole from me
without repercussions...

it lingers...

fast forward
through being made painfully aware that a size 10 was massive compared
to all my size 5 friends
but they were 5'2" not almost 5'8"
they still looked like a board
not a pinup girl from old-timey calendars
but fat is fat wherever it happens to land under thin skin
collecting into silent reservoirs
of self-loathing ammunition...

it lingers...

fast forward
through the first time 'no' held no meaning
shocked into silence and tears
still whispering... please...don't
as words were less weapons and more entrapment
where a body betrays in unwanted reactions
used as proof against my truth
or my perception of truth
or...it must be true because if I
really didn't want it...
but fear and panic can garner the same
physical responses as passion
and it would be too many years before I knew that...

it lingers...

fast forward
to the last time I knew I was beautiful
and the only time I ever let a friend
convince me that going home with these guys was ok
she wanted company and
she was my ride
she never did get lucky

I...
got a cracked sternum where his chin held me down
I kept my voice this time
but the music was so loud
my words remained unheard
no still held no meaning
my wrist bruised in his hand
one hand frantically stretching clothes out of the way
while my free hand struggled frantically
to keep those same clothes at my waist
but...
spandex is unkind on so many levels

somewhere in this fight with his
knees bruising my calves into position
he was thoughtful enough to
somehow, someway
utilize a ******, whose wrapper
never made into the trash
I know this as I followed my friend's
gaze first to the shiny torn package
then twist into what looked like pride
and on the way home
before the bruises turned purple
I told her... and she laughed

it lingers...

she said if that were true
and he stopped to put on a ******
why didn't I escape his hold
but his grip never changed
and when he took those 3 seconds
to rip it open with his teeth...
I was trying to wriggle free and keep my shorts up
and scream over music playing way too loud
I couldn't look at her
or show her the bruises when they appeared
I shouldn't have to prove myself to a friend
I lost more than my dignity
on my 21st birthday...

it lingers...

But at least I knew I didn't deserve it...
that time
but if I wasn't pretty or thin or
anything remotely attractive
maybe it would never happen again
but...

fast forward
to wisdom earned and extra curves
but hating oneself never diminishes
without draining that pool of self-loathing

so, fast forward
present-day and my mom's voice mocks my dreams
she always told me that, when they care,
what I look like doesn't matter
but...

she never mentioned what would happen
if I was the one who didn't care
I learned that when I can't see past
my incessant imperfections
that I'd never believe anyone would notice
when I try to drown myself
in that pool of past truths
that my withdrawal into the
abyss of pain
could possibly ever matter
if it doesn't even matter to me
but...

it lingers...

and every time I hide from the world
masking my pain with silence
stepping out of the way trying not to
burden people with my shame and weakness
I still cannot fathom
if when the people that crawl into my skin
ripping my truth into that pool of lies
can't be bothered noticing my silence
searching for a safe-enough distance
then, how could... why would... anyone else

See,
I've grown accustomed to not mattering
to myself
trained into the seeming safety of silence
where I grate my self-esteem
on the very invisibility I had longed for
so many years ago

I care so much
but it never makes sense
when someone cares enough to notice anything I do,
especially when I'm trapped in my own darkness
but to bring it to my attention is so rare
that I find myself absolutely perplexed

I don't know what it's like to be seen
or... I didn't
but...
you saw me
you saw my distance
and tried to understand my pain
you told me I changed
and answered when I asked you
to tell me how

I am invisible
it's how I cope with heartache and broken trust
disappointment and pain
unfortunately, it's also how I cope
with personal joy and
anything that might resemble pride

I feel, but the invisibility...
it lingers...

so, today...
when in the middle of my silent days
or weeks or who knows how long
I've been drowning in the abyss in slow motion...
today, you ran interference through thoughts
whose only purpose
was to run interference through
anything good
or possibly good
that made its way into the rotation
of random pain
keeping me rooted firmly
on the backhand of a smile

your honesty, reflecting the truth that
I'm likely the only one who
actually doesn't notice my own withdrawal into isolation
was as surprising as that first
snapping of my bra
but I found my voice enough
to apologize for the shame I didn't earn
yet so freely project onto everyone
touched by the perception of invisibility
in which I hide
but you saw me
and proved I am not invisible
you cared enough to notice
and...

it lingers

You ask me what part of her I love the most and all you get is a confused look on my face
Don't ask me a trick question
You see, that's like putting me in front of a piano and telling me to play my favorite note
I love all the notes, in every way but I don't love one more than the other
You see, I can play a note forté or piano, staccato or legato, and I love them all but what I truly love is how they come together to create this beautiful song
I love the song, I love every note, moment, beat that the song is comprised from
So yes I love her eyes, voice, hair, smile, but I love everything about her because I love her more than what you could conceive as possible
More than what's considered reasonable, but love is irrational
So how am I supposed to pick a favorite part?
She is a symphony composed of my dreams
Played by everything I could possibly love all coming together to form the greatest work of art of all time
She is the most beautiful sound you will ever hear
With base notes defining my heart beats
The strings play as soft as her smile
She is the music of my future and I just pray it doesn't give away the ending but I keep listening anyways because
I have to know that we end up together in the end because in the end
She is everything

The year has passed, and I’m okay.
Let’s keep on, keeping on.

I look back on a year gone by, as I’ve learned about myself,
why this ‘n’ that happened - introjected values and such.

Success isn’t the world,
You can’t be nice all the time,
it’s not good to hide feelings away…
Oh man, I’m glad as well,

I’ve always had that empathy (for others).

Things have changed quite a lot for me, and I’m dead proud
of that fact. I’ve started self-reflection and stopped lyin’ (to
myself, and everyone else), despite this, sometimes I still feel

like cryin’, because of who I used to be.

That’s okay, because now I’ve got that empathy (for myself),

I’ve learned to ME with more respect,
More of that Unconditional Positive Regard.
It’s a work in progress for sure,
But I mean, it’s a start?
The year has passed, and I’m okay.
Let’s keep on, keeping on.

My whole body is a wreck
legs too tired  from carrying around what's left of me
to places
that are never home.
My arms are in pain
trying too hard to hold the falling pieces
together.
My eyes are burning
because of these tears that are never enough
to let me drown.

I once wrote a poem
About how the world ripped off my wings at birth
And made it theirs
How it always felt like I had to be
Someone for somebody
Anyone but me, and not to care

But that's not right

Cause I was never a bird
Flying is a mere illusion
And I'm gladly standing on the ground
With everything and everybody
And though it may not be as pretty
Reality is still reality

They may have taken my wings
But I can still run
They may have taken my wings
But I can still climb the highest peak
They may have taken my wings
But I can still feel the gush of wind flowing through all the windows
As I fall, and I cry, and I stand up once again
And I wouldn't trade this for anything else
Not even the skies

I can hear the birds calling me outside
But I've finally found one more reason to stay
Inside

The sun entering my room
breaking through my window without permission
like bullets breaking through the air as they own it
reflecting on my walls, as beautiful as it gets
just reminding me of the things that I am missing
crawling in my bed
made of unchanged sheets and remorse
a wet pillow to collect my tears
and my exhausted mind to hate the intruder
that tries to light up the darkness
without the real intention to save me from it.
I wish night time could come earlier
to reflect what’s inside me
to show the sky without the stars
as dark as the night can get
as dark as the city sky
that reflect the artificial lights of the streets
with no lights of his own.

A significant flow of thoughts are following each other
in a succession
of meaningless
words.
I try to catch them
to make sense of my own mind
to clear the thick fog around the vocables.
They are fast, slipping through my fingers
and slowly become my worst enemy.
As they escape me
my mouth becomes a cemetery
with no visitors