Internalizing anxiety can **** you, my dear
That's what they said
Over and over again
So much so the impact left a ripple
An echo throughout my entire headspace

So I'll have to throw it up
Reach between my ribs and take it out
There's a knot there
Or a stone, a tumor
Some tension I can't quite name
I can't tell where it came from

But I can
See, It's the feeling of fear
Fear of disappointing myself of others
So I work and I work and I work
But not well, no
I work from fear
I keep tension and it keeps me

I may have to disassemble myself to release it
But It's so painstaking
Like writing a message to
A colleague, a classmate, a friend, a lover
Does this sound brash, or cold, or needy, or...?
How can I speak to myself without creating further damage?

Note(s) to self:
Let it go, because once you do you will feel lighter.
Don't be afraid to enjoy life, don't take your demons too seriously.
Waiting for someone else to save you is
only wasting your potential,
And calm seas rarely make good sailors, anyway.
It's not your fault.
Just because you're imperfect doesn't mean you don't
Deserve to exist, or be loved.
People will misunderstand you and your intentions
Make peace with the fact that
It's inevitable, unless both of you are willing to change that later.

Flow like water, don't sink like the stones you carry.

Give yourself a chance.
Work on it.

Don’t worry yourself, purrs Negative Voice
I'm telling you this to protect you
No lead in your pencil
So pointless in fact
No person of worth would respect you

    Dear Negative Voice,
       I see what you mean
       But just a brief point for reflection
       I’m not sure I’m really an absolute waste
       Consider some minor correction?

It’s better for you, coos Negative Voice
To know that you’re practically useless
No rain in your storm cloud
So juiceless in fact
You’re toothless, inept, and excuseless

    Dear Negative Voice,
       A stirring reply
       Is this in totality truthful?
       I’m sure my ineptitude has measured bounds
       And even just sometimes, I’m useful

The beauty of living this version of truth
Is, you are at maximum harm
Nothing they’re possibly saying to you
Will add to your sense of alarm

Providing agreement to monster-y ones
Might also afford added aid
Appeasing and easing an excessive ego
May downgrade a wailing cascade

    Dear Negative Voice,
       Deep thanks for your thoughts
       A note of some gentle resistance
           I notice I’m having the thought that I’m worthless
           Historically helpful, but now with no purpose
       Distinct in my voice, yours holds limited purchase    
       So now I can give you some distance
           I humbly suggest
           This grateful request
       For inner, more peaceful existence

lately i've been scared
worried the darkness will last
but i hope i'm wrong

i feel powerless
so backed into a corner
but i hope i'm wrong

i feel judging eyes
like i'm not just projecting
but i hope i'm wrong

i think i see it
they wince when my mouth opens
but i hope i'm wrong

i feel unwanted
it's unlucky to know me
but i hope i'm wrong

unhelpful and shamed
no one is glad i'm here, right?
i just hope i'm wrong

only by working—
my body, my only strength
my hands hold children
but my mind is too broken
prove to me i'm wrong

Inefficient love
Subpar communication
Almost good enough
Almost worth listening to
If you say nothing
You confirm it with silence
But if you argue
Please bring some more evidence
I'm trying to hope
That this self-talk's distorted
I'm sorry my pain
Is underreported
If nobody cared
Then surely I'd be alone
And not surrounded
By those who want to love me—
But I don't know how
To feel the love that they show.
I shrink back, I hide,
Because it hurts me sometimes.
These are all my thoughts
They feel so true in my mind.
But I really hope I'm wrong.

If I can say
the things I feel, the wind
would die out

If I can explain how hard I cry
my eyes would tell you
I am only surviving just for today

I submerge myself in my own sadness
believing I won't drown

My heart sinks
while my mind runs like blizzards
in a storm

Being so scared the past will drag me
I am only one person
who knows how it feels
when I am only punishing myself for it

The heart I am made with
can only handle so much of this

I am full of opportunity
Bubbling from my purpose
Which guides my every day
Keeps me virtuous
In touch with my happiness
and the joy I find
In living my own way

I've been gone,
Focusing on my goals,
Savoring every minute,
In the present,
Being whole,

Disconnecting from distractions,
Discovering new attractions,
That move me to the next level,
That make me feel confident,

I am stronger than the devil,
Or anyone who cares to defy me,
For I am the light,
That burns so bright,
To educate and revive thee,

From the pain,
Of the mundane,
Lack of wonder,
Abysmal plane,

That is life,
Without dreams,
Art,
Inspiration,
Plight,
Accommodation.

I drink too much but it gives me the pleasure of intoxication,
One too many ramifications,
I smoke too much to stun my heart of its beat,
All to avoid the acceptance of defeat.

Problems are associated with you
It's hard to get through
Talking to myself, judging myself and hating myself
So alone without anyone's words of comfort, but oneself

I feel like I want to hurt those who have hurt me.
One too many reasons not to accept their plea
Smoke and mirrors everywhere
One too many reasons not to stay here.

You don’t need to self destruct to get attention
You don’t need to
Hurt yourself
Cut yourself
Starve yourself
Endanger yourself
Sabotage yourself
To get attention

You deserve attention
You’re worth noticing
You’re worth caring for
You are worth them sticking around