i always think the worst of
any situation and i always
think you're ignoring me
and i always think you
don't want to talk to
me anymore and i
always think you
hate me and i
always think
think think
think thi

I have a permanent ache in my chest- and every time he talks to me it gets worse and worse. It's becoming more difficult to ignore. I used to be able to push it out of my thoughts and pretend I was okay but I don’t know how to do that any more. It’s like this emptiness is taking over every thought I have. I'm scared if I don’t get rid of him it will swallow me whole but at the same time I’m terrified that it will engulf me in darkness permanently if he’s gone.

It’s like he’s become both the life preserver and the tidal wave. Talking to him drags me to the bottom of the ocean and drowns me but at the same time somehow pulls me to the surface and pushes the oxygen back into my lungs.

I don’t know how to live with or without him.

i was so sure i was better
but then you came back
around and you knocked
the air out of my lungs
with every little kiss and
every random embrace
you built me up and tore
me back down again i
was hoping you would
say "just kidding" and
come over out of nowhere
like you always did but
i know you don't care so
much anymore but god
i still do and i'm so sorry

i couldn't tell you when
i last smiled and i have
no clue when i laughed
genuinely but i can tell
you about all the nights
i held the pills in my
hand, ready to swallow
every last one and i can
remember exactly how
it felt to know i'm not
even strong enough
to finally set myself
free

He's like a cloud:
he looks solid, but there's really
nothing to him.

He's like a child:
ignorant and stubborn as a post.

He makes tornadoes look like walks
in the park and earthquakes seem
as intimidating as a daisy.

His outbursts of anger are as
strong as any storm- they are
enough to cause ruptures in my heart
and have the ability to split apart
my flesh with the precision of a
scalpel; and the worst part is,
they have.

That's the thing about time,
it doesn't stop for anyone.
No matter how much you beg
the hands, they just keep ticking.

she was a very bright girl
4 years old, pigetails laughing, smiling thinking the old kids were really cool.

she was happy
7 years old, one braid in each side always smiling noticing how the big kids put on a new layer of make up at lunch time.

she was smiling
10 years old, her big curly hair hanging loose she lost all her friend but she was a strong girl so she smiled even when they called her ugly or fat.

she was never making eyecontact
12 years old straight hair looking at the ground all the time barely ever talking, ignoring the kids calling her fat, ugly but it still hurt her.

she was never talking, never smiling and never taking out her head phones
14 years old, hair in a pony tail, having to redo her makeup at lunch time cause she cried of everthing while she sat in her locker she could easily fit there since she had been starving herself.

she had scars and cuts on her arms and legs
15 years old, she stopped carring she was wearing short sleeves hair hanging loose again straightened but teased, the kids called her attention ***** and pushed her around like a ball.

it's her birthday
today she would have turned 15 but she's not here anymore, she took a choice and left this world too early she wasn't supposed to be happy... not in this place, but she's somewhere else now somewhere better
everybody is sad that she left this early, but they didn't belive her when she told she wanted to leave...

*(c.m.h)