I was never special, I meant nothing to you
That became clear when you searched for someone new
I gave you my heart and you just took a peek
Pretending you loved me was so ******* weak
You hated how I could read your actions— that I saw through
All the lies and your energy and everything you do
You couldn’t hide, even though you tried
Your ****** behavior, I wouldn’t let slide
You’d gaslight me, and I’d question my perspective
Then I realized I was the only one being reflective
I’ve been here before and I see you’re a narc
I know your games, you can’t hide in the dark
You love bomb in the beginning then you take it away
Everything is a lie, I can’t believe what you say
I thought you were special—someone real
I didn’t realize how well you could fake the way you feel
I fell for it again, when will I ******* learn?
I can’t just give away my heart, it’s something to earn

when I lay, I wonder...
I shudder with terror...
!!!a future without you!!!
a giant heavy rock drops
right on my chest...
pressing pressure as I try to gasp for air
...sudden relief washes over me...
              !.I’m feeling.!
It’s just for few seconds though...
.then I’m right back to NOT feeling.

I called this my silver lining.

Burn me alive,
End it all now,

I’m tired of the world,
I want to crawl back into my shell,

Of ignorance and bliss,
Before feeling overcame everything,
And my mind could manage and stall,

The unending dread,
The unending pain,
That recycles through my body,
And mental membrane,

Temporary relief,
Doesn’t last long,
Seeping into my bones,
Polluting my core,

Essence,
Lack of presence,
Take me away,
Bury me down low,

Erase me from existence,
Free from my soul.

When someone asks me to write on a topic of his choice I go blank I get writers cramps.
The words the verse for what it's worth should flow on it's own triggered by a thought or sight or sound.
I can't write for another however hard I try.
I write not for fame or fortune like a sneeze or cough got to get done with it to get relief.
My stock of words are limited my verse even worse but when I am done writing a smile flickers on my lips relief in my heart.

i feel like someone
is trying to pry open my ribcage
with a crowbar
like the doors to a closed bar
ready and wanting to drink in the rage
sitting in my heart

the only question is:
will they reach it before I die
and anger flows out of my body
on the wings of relief?

The day you passed away,
I couldn't see the sky.
Too many tears fell from my eyes.
But they weren't tears of grief.
They were tears of relief.
Because even though
I'd never be able to hug you
As you walked through the door,
I knew you weren't in pain anymore.