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Chris Calkins Jul 2020
i'm stuck in this bomb of a body;
heels pressed into the knowledge
that things will always go wrong.
finger cocked on the hair-trigger that is my mind;
whether the blast will go inwards or out no one knows.
either way, the result will hurt everyone close
to this disaster that is me and myself;
the only thing  i can be trusted to do
is sabotage my health -
i fail on purpose at everything else,
Note: This was written 8 months ago. I was in an abusive situation, and I'm out now. Things still aren't great, but it does get a little better from here on out.
Chris Calkins Jul 2020
i have half-moon circles
That sink my eyes into my skin
they reflect what's happening within

my skin folds up like a paper crane
trying to make space
for the stifling thoughts in my brain

it's never enough to stop
the spilling over because
a drop always sneaks out
leaks out onto the blacktop
let out a meaningless shout.
It makes me doubt
Want for a better, stronger mouth
to control what words come about.
Chris Calkins Jul 2020
i feel like someone
is trying to pry open my ribcage
with a crowbar
like the doors to a closed bar
ready and wanting to drink in the rage
sitting in my heart

the only question is:
will they reach it before I die
and anger flows out of my body
on the wings of relief?
Chris Calkins Jul 2020
every day
another pound drops under my eyes
into the bags hanging there
drawing them heavier and heavier
darker and darker
with the weight of my sins.

they used to stay within
my mind
but little by little
they dripped out of my mouth
into conversations,

now, i'm supposed to erase all of those thoughts,
cross out all of the lines that i've made
write new ones in their place

i decide to leave them scrawled in the dust
and turn the page.
Chris Calkins Jul 2020
Intertwined faces
Swirling in infinitous whirlpools
Arching, towards nowhere.
Insprired by Rattle's Ekphrastic Art for July 2020.
Chris Calkins Jun 2019
i'm a box
of oxymorons
contradicting and tripping over themselves
competing against themselves
to see who comes out on top
voices screaming in each ear
'look over there! no here!'
so loud
i cannot hear
the sound of my legs shaking
my heart aching
my mind breaking
over the things that i've done
is this what it feels like to know that you've won?
does that matter when you're also the one losing?
I feel like there is a war in my head over every little thing (that is really a Big Thing in disguise) and I hate it and I want it all to just. Stop.
Chris Calkins Jan 2019
i am broken
like a carousel off its axis;
because I have to figure out how to fix this
shattered mind
with no blueprints for what a stable one looks like;
in a world that shoves happiness and recovery
down my throat anyway;
who lives only for the sake of others
those who mistakenly believe i can be saved;
because for all that i feel
none of those emotions touch me
deep enough to pull me out of this void
i'm living in.
i am.
and already dead inside.
I have journal prompts given to me by my therapist and the first was, "Who am I?"
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