I never existed
I was never here
This entire poem was never written

This landscape is a dream
A languid dream of your creation
One that never truly existed

Thoughts race in this jagged mind of mine
head spinning and mind collapsing
what am I?
Am I a man or a woman?

Born male
yet I don't identify
I dress up as a female
yet I don't identify

torn between these two structures
that classify the human gender
yet I don't identify
It's killing me to realize

Maybe I'm both
maybe I'm not neither
so much to figure out
so much to process

the thoughts keep racing
beginning to spiral out of control
Pronouns he, him and his
never really fit

the pronouns she, her and hers
only left scars
at first I thought of transitioning
to clear out my head

but now it's like a stab wound
festering upon my soul
am I a man
or am I a woman

they both seem so permanent
and yet seem doable
so maybe I a both
but that's my choice to find

I like being called he
yet I like being called she
I like being called they
so maybe I'm both and neither in a whole

so call me crazy
say that I'm broken
say that I'm not right in my head
but at least I have the courage to be me

Sometimes poetry is like a war:
Even though you're so tired and small,
You put your strained muscles back to work,
Overcoming and jumping the walls.
And when you've literally run out of strength
In this wild and insane pursuit of truth
Either rise to the challenge – or quit,
But quitting is also death.

The Greatest wisdom
Is not taught

Anyhow you will learn
With time
If you understand
What is not said

Your personal wisdom
Is not
Written in most read books
No need
To join renouned universities
You will not learn it
From the noble teachers
It may not have many audiences
It is strictly customized
Just for you

You will learn it from
The Pretenders
The Traitors
The Failures
The Haters
The Actors
When you wake up

And when I say
I once was stupid

Underline that