It was Monday when it happened, I had no ink in my pen.
I had just sat down and I had to get up again.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and went about my day…

It was Tuesday when it happened, my microwave broke.
My food came out mushy and my kitchen filled with smoke.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and went about my day…

It was Wednesday when it happened, the sky breathed snow.
I headed outside to shovel as the mounds began to grow.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and went about my day…

It was Thursday when it happened, I had too much to drink.
I woke up sore and dizzy, my head too cloudy to think.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and went about my day…

It was Friday when it happened, the day I crashed my car.
The air bag crushed my bones; the shattered glass gave me a scar.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and went about my day…

It was Saturday when it happened, cancer befriended my aunt.
I visited her in the hospital, bringing balloons and a plant.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and went about my day…

It was Sunday when it happened, I had the sweats and chills.
In attempt to fix my temperature, I took too many pills.
I guess I looked upset, someone asked, “Are you okay?”
I said, “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and that was my last day.

An ear to ear smile
A status that says I'm fine
And the world believes

As long as we stay here,
Behind this
Curtain of tainted reality, we are a
Definitive image of
Euphoria
For when I am with you,
Gospel is found painted on your skin.
Here, at least, satisfaction isn't fake
I don't want to think it through
Just pretending works well enough.
Kids playing with matches is what we are,
Lying in this fire we started.
Maybe if you are close enough, if you are
Near enough
Or if I kiss you long enough, some
Pressure will be lifted, my
Quest to feel satiated complete.
Regret has no place in your touch
So hold me a little longer than usual;
Take me somewhere only we know.
Use my heart, but try not to break it.
Venomous lips and a heart to match
Want to give it a try?
Youth is a fickle thing, with cherry red
Xs slicing through our responsibilities. Sad to say babe, but we're
Zinnias in a garden that was always destined to burn.

It has been said to me, "An act must thus ensue,
So that no one can ever see it's the world against you.
Yet that battle can only be fought behind the stage,
While everyone else sees you smile into your old age."

But they only love the mask, they only know the act,
They couldn't care any less for simple truth or facts.
By the end, perhaps, I'll finally believe,
And truly, completely, the world deceive.

I don't know where I'm going,
I scarce remember where I've been.
Still, blindly I am rowing until I reach that bitter end.

I'll be on that river by myself, all alone,
The truth is still unknown, the act all that remains,
For by now I am the mask of a man without a name.

1/1/15
(Revised 4/18/15)

I think it’s funny that
After faking your emotions
For so long, you lose track
Of what’s real and what’s not.
When you’ve been pretending to be happy
For so long, and suddenly
Those feelings become real,
Who are you to know?
Why shouldn’t the feelings
Be just another act that
Your brain hasn’t caught on to yet,
But that your heart remembers
Word for word.
Sometimes when you fake it
Till you make it, and you make it,
You don’t even believe your emotions.
But even though
It’s okay to not be okay,
It’s also okay to be okay.
Remember that.

Some people think it's easy.
That if you just tell me to smile I will and that I will genuinely mean it, too.
And I try to mean it- believe me, I try.
I try to find a hint of happiness inside of me and force it out.
I tried.
I tried to do the things that normal and happy people do
Because maybe if I tried I could convince myself that I, too, was a happy and normal person.
So I tried.
I took myself out to dinner.
I tried yoga.
I went to parties, and even though I can't dance, I danced anyways and made a beautiful fool of myself.
I finally bought myself a lava lamp because I've always thought they were cool.
I organized the clothes in my closet by color.
I spent twenty minutes picking out the ripest tomatoes in the grocery store.
I took up crocheting,
I learned a little French,
And I forgot all about this mess of a life I'm in by making a mess in my kitchen.
I sang in the shower so loud and proud that I lost my voice.
I went cheese tasting,
And I drank A LOT of wine.
I made faces at every person I drove by on the highway.
I started going on walks.
I started going on runs.
I ran to the balcony
And stepped on the ledge
And threw my arms out beside me
And screamed YES!
I'm free! And I'm so happy about it!
I'm happy.
I promise you I'm happy.
These tears, they are just because I'm so happy and my sadness is crying because it's gone.
I'm not sad anymore.
I'm normal. I'm happy.
I'm just like everyone else when they go to art galleries.
I'm actually looking at the art really hard and trying to find the meaning behind a red squiggle rather than just really trying to avoid people from seeing the pain.
I'm actually just a normal person that's perfectly content when they go wash their hands instead of a person that dreads walking up to a faucet and catching a glimpse of their reflection.
I'm actually a normal person that stepped onto a ledge to feel nothing but freedom rather than feeling a desire to take another step.
I'm actually ok and I'm so happy.
It's what I whispered to myself at night
Because I thought that maybe if I told myself it enough times I would eventually wake up one morning and find it to be true.
That I'm ok. I'm happy.
That's what I want to convince you because maybe if you're convinced...
I'll be convinced too.

Sometimes when I'm waiting in public
I stare at the tv screens blaring sports.
I don't watch the game,
I zone out.
Into the abyss.
Until I don't have to be in public anymore.
I don't like sports.
Watching the spectacle makes me seem normal amongst the herd.

We act like adults,
but we are only children
who’re playing dress-up.

Don’t cry
Do not water the flowers
I will just hit the sack
and I will never go back
Thy smile shall be ever left unseen
But kept with me,
Are the memories that we have been
Bless me with peace as I rest
For I never felt it in my quest
Sorry that this has to end
Close the door and let me ascend
My friend,
Let the flowers bend

Don’t cry
Do not rage a storm
For I’ll be taking steps alone
Go yell for the sun’s perfect tone
I will leave
Please don’t grieve
I’ll bring with me the scars you gave
Please just lend me one last wave
Burn all of my past
Leave them all with a blast
Please make my path easier
Just allow the storm to falter

Don’t cry
Do not flood the whole world
You may now remove your mask
And throw your lies in the dusk
I know you wanted this to happen
I know you wanted me to go
Do not ever regret
As you must never forget
You knew I couldn’t swim
Part the flood into a stream
And for the very last time
Save those droplets of dime
Don’t cry, don’t cry.