3/20/2020

One against the world.
Fighting your change.
Would anyone care if you made it?
Wouldn’t they rather you fail?
Oh, they’d feel better about themselves.

One against yourself.
Fighting His change.
Would you care to let go?
Who are you even working for?
Your progress has to be between you and God.

One against your past.
Fighting your change.
Would it make a difference,
If you turned the boat around?
Could you even find your way back?

One against emotions.
Fighting their change.
Doesn’t the anger feel good,
When it wrecks your life?
Don’t you think you should hate hate?

One against a soul.
Fighting the change.
They need you, you know.
You aren’t what you’re meant to be,
It’s about time you changed course.

You’re almost ready,
So I’ll give you more time,
But I can’t promise it’ll last forever…

Eyes so gray
as storm clouds gather
and heaven looks away
the wind comes strong
and what is left of me
crashes against the rocks
the rest of me goes astray.

I want to come out.
I want to walk out and slam the door behind me
with whatever variation of a rainbow flag
billowing in the wind as I walk past.

I want to be out.
I want to be me and do so shamelessly
without fear of judgement or dislike
from people who may disagree

I wish I was out.
But I don't even know what I am
I want be yours and yours alone,
but there's no flag for that

I wish I was yours...
you have my mind and body and soul
but I'm just here on the side,
because you are still hers.

Hello, is there anyone in?
I need to speak to the owner of this house.
You've been messaging me insults and false accusations so, I've come to clear me out.
And I need you to hear me out.

Today, I've come in many capacities.
I don't know if I'm angry but hell yeah, I know I'm not responsible for your atrosities.
I thought it was a misunderstanding but later did I realize that instead of running to your dreams, you're out here standing and keep blaming me for holding you back.

You say I'm responsible for your lack as if I give you the crack; expected me to stack up your scattered pieces, hit yourself and blamed me for the bruises.

Well..

I am LIMITATIONS.
You say I stop you from growing, give you a range and contain your dreams.
I called you names and rendered you blames,
Shower you shames, made you believe it was real and at the end, it all was just dreams.

I am FEAR
I made you believe you can't make it
I Eroded your courage and made you mentally spineless. I hid from you the reality so you just fake it
And your runaways, I can say, they are countless.

It's so hilarious you know
How you make me feel so powerful.
How you allow me to steer your life and for yourself, you feel sorrowful.
You and your associates have made me seemed indispensable, popularizing and throwning me over your kingdoms.

I don't owe you an apology.
I've thousand reasons to laugh you in the face. Knee you in yours ***** and fist your jaws.

WHY? You really want to know why?

Hey ladies, Do you know Ellen Johnson, Macdella Cooper, Oprah Winfrey, Winnie Mandela?

Hey my guys, Do you know, Mahmud Johnson, George Weah, Aliko Dagote, Tony Elumelu, Mark Zuckerberg?

You're not Different from them.
They just made decisions that you refuse to make.

They ignored me so they became great.
They refused to allow me decide what's best for them. They escaped the cages I built, the limits I set, the laws I made and the boundaries I erected.
They looked beyond the present and if you wish to be like them, then it's time that you start to see through their eyes.

It's like I need to start penalizing people for willingly giving me control over their lives and later accussing me for their strives.

Today, I'm here to let you know that, I only take as much as you allow me to.
Destroys as much as you permit to.
Without your mentality, I am nothing. I'm a
Your virus, parasite, I feed on you. I exist only in your mind and I'm nothing without you thinking about me.

Oh!!! I just unleashed my secret.
But I guess you know now right?
So it's up to you to make your life what you want it to be.

It's time to COME OUT
and convince me that you're bigger than my limits.
COME OUT and rewrite your story
COME OUT !!

Trust me, you don't want me here again.
Because, my next visit will be more than just for clarity.

GOOD BYE

She got dealt a bad hand in life.
But she didn’t fold.
She kept playing.
She didn’t walk away from the table,
And leave the casino like she should have.
She keeps playing the hand life dealt her.
And she’s slowly going into debt.
Deeper in the game until one day she won’t be able to play anymore.
She’ll be out of money.
Out of cards.
I just pray it doesn’t come to that.
I want her to fold.
Leave the table.
Leave that lifestyle behind her.
Count her losses and move on with her life.
There’s more to life than that hand that life dealt her.
I just wish she could sober up long enough to see it.
I just wish she could see that there’s so much more to life than the hand that she was dealt.

the silence will shock and the world will rock
when we all can go out and play
the world will be new and a lot less askew
so **** it and stay out all-day

Brian Hill - 2020 # 235

She was taught to look up at the sky...
To find love in the stars, moons and the galaxies that danced an unknown song...

But...

She taught her heart to look into her own self...
And then did she found her love...
In the universe of her cells...that had been playing  a familiar tune since she had been born to live!

I grew up with God in the wind,
and didn't fit in with Christian friends.
They told me stories and begged me to repent.
Though doubtful, my anxiety sparked at the thought of sin.

I was once on a playdate and the mother told me.
She disowned her best friend when she confessed she was a lesbian.
She told me she could only take her back if she came to her senses.
It made me feel sad and sick, with little sympathy for the protagonist.

I was once told by a good friend that no one is bisexual, of course they're just confused.
I knew who I was but I didn't say anything in rebuttal.
I just nodded my head and took the bruise.

Once after jokingly seeing my boyfriend and another male friend hold hands, my mother told me "how dare those ******* disrespect you like that."
It was a moment that shattered glass and left scars.
I managed an apology after too much effort.

My stepfather once told me that gender fluidity was a confused phase, and a fad for attention.
Walls were put up and notes were taken.
Doors remained closed and silence  prevailed.

I am complicated.
I blend in to "normal"
I feel guilty at times and don't feel honest.

I undervalue, perhaps, the benefit of looping everyone in.
Or, perhaps, I'm just keeping the peace and heeding warning signals.

I can say for certain, it's not a fad nor phase.
I've always been who I am, I just had to grow up in order to phrase it.