There was a certain comfort in the time I spent
Sitting against a wall outside in the cold
They don’t tell you what its like to freeze to death
But here’s what wishing you would is like

The trees sway with another chilling breeze
There’s a little stinging pain in my toes
Its been about 20 minutes out here
My feet are the only things cold
I'm thinking
Way too much about how the frost feels
My hands become red
a little icy itch not quite numbing my fingers

Another 20 minutes go by and I can feel the cold travel
I have no intention of leaving
I don’t want to
Maybe i’ll stay all night

An hour in my feet are cold on the outsides
My ankle is freezing
I adjust my earbud and look up to the sky
My breath can be seen in the air
I think about my mother finding my body
Bitten blue with winter

2 hours in and my feet are starting to ache
Its an interesting feeling
Almost like I’ve broken a bone but can’t quite feel it
I don’t want to be here anymore
Not outside, id love to stay in the icy air all night
But here, in front of my so called home
Filled with my so-called family
I’d like to be staying somewhere else
Somewhere where they aren’t
Somewhere where the people who care about me
Are all far far away
And if I die, they know in a few days
Not right away
If I’m sick they’ll send a gift card
And call so many times I’ll have to turn off the phone

So maybe I’ll just sit here
And let nature have its way with me
Because I'm not ready to go back in
And live in a “family”

The day after dying,
Your mortal shell will rot
And be filled with sleeping pills
No, sugar can not
Hide the pain you feel
From failing your many deaths,
Immortal now and always,
A hundred final breaths.

The day after dying,
You're nothing but a husk,
An empty, rotting hell
That lies awake until dusk,
Just contemplating painful existence
That wounds every inch of you.
Words, knives, and other pains
Don't feel enough in joy's lieu.

The day after dying,
Nothing will even change.
You'll still be a hopeless wreck.
You'll still be from peers estranged.
You'll still be a walking corpse.
You'll still never be alive.
You'll always wish you'd succeeded.
You'll feel useless just like I've.

Counting
Saving
Stashing.

How many will work?

Or! Maybe I can
disassemble
my Pencil Sharpener.

Or better yet,

Knit a long,
Skinny,
Scarf.

Where to hang it though?

Perhaps I could take a
Too Hot
Bath,

And sit till it's cold.

Maybe...
Weigh myself,
Until I'm satisfied

That'd do it too.

Sherri can you hear me?
I'm sitting in my bathroom,
I've got a bunch of pills
And I'm ready to meet my doom.

Sherri can you hear me?
I'm almost ready to die.
I called you for one reason,
I wanted to say goodbye.

Sherri can you hear me?
Please don't call nine-one-one
Nothing can help anymore.
It's all done; I'm done.

Sherri can you hear me?
One, two, three, four.
Counting pills, ready for death
Oh no, they're at the door.

Sherri I gotta go,
The ambulance is here.
My wrists are sliced real bad
And my death is getting near.

Sherri I'm so scared.
Lights and sirens are on high.
They're sticking stickers on my body,
My death will soon be nigh.

Grace can you hear me?
My heart's beating too fast.
I'm seizing, once, twice, three times,
This day will soon be my last.

Grace, stop, stop!
I'm pulling out my needle
Barely aware of what's happening
My body's turning feeble.

Grace, why did you do it?
I'm now being interrogated.
Summit Ridge or Peachford?
To the hospital I am fated.

Mom can you hear me?
It's finally visitor's day.
I'm so anxious, I love you lots
Please mom, will you stay?

Grace did you hear me?
You're going no matter what.
Skyland Trail's the next step,
No ifs, ands, or buts.

Mom can you hear me?
I miss you too much.
Please. come pick me up,
I really miss your touch.

Friends can you hear me?
You're help was invaluable.
A Thank You goes to everyone
My recovery is beyond admirable.

Someone
out there
doesn't have a mom.

You say "Everyone has a mom".
Well, get this.

Someone's mother
was born in the 70's,
with bipolar disorder.
Quite the disaster.
This was before
people knew how to address
things like that,
so instead it was
hidden away.

Someone's mother
turned to drugs
to make herself feel okay
but it didn't really turn out that way.
By the time she was 22
she had two daughters,
but no source of stability.

Someone's mother
overdosed one (two? three?)too many times
and got arrested for
possession of illegal drugs.

Someone's mother
had to sing
"You Are My Sunshine"
with her hand up to glass,
instead of with her hand
in her daughter's.

Someone
forgot to give their mother
one last hug
goodbye.

Someone's mother's
last OD
resulted in laying
on a couch for
three days.
Alone.
Someone's mother
went into
a coma.

Someone
was told
to say goodbye
to her mother,
and said
"She can't hear me.
Why should I say goodbye
if she can't hear me?"

Someone
was without a mother
at 11 years old.

Someone
had a sister that stole
*** from her mother.

Someone
grew up
not really knowing
what was going on.

Someone
out there
doesn't have a mom.

What happens when I get the bottle open?
When I'm strong enough to let it go?

all the hopes and dreams I once had
escape
and I gain the knowledge to be free

What happens when I get the bottle open?

I stab the villain and not the innocent
finally slaying my demons
it's liberating
can't you see?

What happens when I get the bottle open?

I'll finally see the truth
maybe you will too
be happy for me
this is no set back

What happens when the bottle finally opens?

and all my dreams come true
I'm laying on the beach
listening
as the crashing waves
consume me
so nicely

What happens when the bottle's open?

and there's no going back
like Pandora's box of bottles
and all that's left is to
sink

What happens if the bottle's already open?

and I can't hide it anymore

I'm sorry
for wasting

Everything

but the bottle's been opened
and I can't waste this

not now

there is no strength to close it.