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I'm so, so very sorry,
Child of mine.
Looking back,
The years were not kind to you.
To me.
Us.
You never deserved any of this.
Not when our teacher hated us,
Not when mommy stopped caring for us,
Not when daddy got drunk and scared us.
Not when he threatened to hit us.
Nor when he locked us and brother outside in the harsh winter.
More recently,
Not when we cut ourselves,
Not when we went to bed sobbing.
Not when we made the wrong choice,
And mother was far far too harsh.
Not when step father offered us a *******,
Made us seem too adult too young.
Not when he offered us lacey ******* and thongs.
That was particularly hard to move on from.
When we were especially little,
We didn't deserve the trauma of the car accident,
When we had barely turned six.
Seeing a man scalped and ******, being dragged from his car.
I suppose it was his fault.
You didn't deserve the next seven years,
Afraid of vehicles,
Afraid every single time mommy braked a tad too hard,
Gasping for breath and gripping the door with a white knuckle fist.
You never deserved to wonder what your daddy meant when he was teaching you cruel jokes,
Nor should you have been able to tell if your daddy was drunk enough to be back out,
At the ripe age of ten.
Child of mine,
You didn't deserve to be born to him.
You didn't deserve eating nothing but cheap boxed food,
You didn't deserve thinking that fruit was a delicacy.
You didn't deserve being so so poor for so long,
Enough to even still effect us now.
We never deserved to have the happiness ****** out of us at school,
To be picked on for being so small and skinny.
Looking back, that was probably related to our financial situation.
You didn't deserve the knowledge and stress of the financial crisis of your dad's smoking and drinking,
The knowledge that our water and electricity was going to be shut off.
Child of mine,
I'm so sorry at what a wreck our mind is today.
I'm sorry that our anxiety has gotten so bad we have OCD.
I'm sorry I let everything daddy, mommy, brother, step father, step mommy, teacher, and all the things the kids at school said to us bother me so so much.
I'm sorry that I hurt our body.
I'm sorry I starved us.
I'm sorry I documented that we were drinking with best friend, and now we can't talk to her.
Child of mine,
I apologize for everything.
For our cowardice, unable to be honest.
For our daddy's irresponsibility,
For our mommy's stress,
For our step fathers stupidity and disregard,
For our step mommy's careless chatter,
For our, my, misguided efforts to cope,
But,
Child of mine,
I apologize foremost for the world.
I apologize in behalf of every single person whose smallest action has caused you the most miniscule amount of distress.
I apologize in behalf of your brothers and sisters who are selfish enough to take the joy of a child.
I apologize in behalf of every single person who has ever had an effect on climate change, who has taken your beautiful world and slowly destroyed it.
I apologize in hope that one day I can properly remember who you were, and finally find that part of me.

It was never your fault.
This is probably the longest thing I've posted on here
Wal-Mart at 12 a.m. is almost eerie.

Silent save the occasional shopper or manager,
Perhaps following you to ensure you don't do anything foolish.

Picking out the dumbest things just because you need to smile.

Playing with your friend in the toys, letting go for once,
Just to be chased away by management.

Losing one of the squad and looking for her.

Wandering over to the makeup, glancing at the camera,
Then picking out what you want and pocketing it an aisle over.

Going to the arcade and winning for once.

It's not a secret, you needed a win,
Plus your little sibling will love the new stuffed toy.

Seeing a random family member.

Rushing away as to remain unseen,
Knowing if your parents find out you will be dead.

The general feeling of disassociated contentedness when you finally leave.

You won't remember half of what happened anyway,
But who cares.

Shopping at night is the best.
The temptation is always hanging over me.
A cloud raining pure amber liquid,
Calling with a siren sound.

"I'll help you forget"

"I'll help you be happy"

"We can have fun"

"Make you feel nice"

"Give you back your laugh"

"Take away the pain"

"Supplement the light"


The cold silence of the night makes my nightmares so much more real.

I am alone.


"Together we will be warm"


That's right.





We will be.
I am far too young to be a ******* alcoholic **** but I guess I was always daddy's little girl
How
Counting
Saving
Stashing.

How many will work?

Or! Maybe I can
disassemble
my Pencil Sharpener.

Or better yet,

Knit a long,
Skinny,
Scarf.

Where to hang it though?

Perhaps I could take a
Too Hot
Bath,

And sit till it's cold.

Maybe...
Weigh myself,
Until I'm satisfied

That'd do it too.
If you get all of this sorry lol but I bet almost everyone does on here
Oops.

I fu
C

ke


d

uP.

Now I'm under

lock
                 and key




wEll ****.
Lol so like I majorly ****** up everything I cared about and now my mom is refusing to let me enroll in college because her husband is an ******* but little does she know that I can ruin her marriage because of how **** a person he is and the only reason I haven't is because I don't want to put her through another divorce but **** I'm considering flipping the lid and telling her what he did to me
That awkward moment
        When



You don't even

  Know

                        Why

You

     Started cutting


Again.
Oops
3...  2... 1...
My blade pierces my skin like the shriek pierced the silence of existence on a midnight walk in which I never returned.

3...  2... 1...
My finger slides against the back of my throat in such a way as to release all of my guilt from my stomach from a day of carelessness and lack of willpower.

3...  2... 1...
I jump from the bridge similar to the way a fledgling dives from the sky for the first time, not graceful, but still coordinated enough to be considered  beautiful to those with a particular type of mind.

3...  2... 1...
My consciousness disappears in a single heartbeat, with a puff of smoke disbursing, like a drop of dew evaporating, a child's laugh ending, a life falling apart, I'm a candle being blown out.

3...  2... 1...
I am free.
I am not okay
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