i feel like i am circling the drain

corny and cheesy
i loved all of it
the idea of you staying. .  
constant
permanent

i think we fully believe it at least once right
fool us once shame on them
but twice ?

even as i cough up blood
i crave nothing more than a cigarette and a good song
im scared because nothing gets me worried anymore
i always knew i wanted to die but to be faced with mortality
and not flinch
is weird, even for me

i dreamt you had a journal
lined paper and black ink
my name written in bold
sickly words scribbled across
Sick and Evil
Sick and Evil

You do not have to forgive me
but i forgive me

i feel gross, maybe its just me
but people disgust me
this culture we are stuck in
everyone is disgusting please dont touch me
*** with strangers
first date hookups
one night stands
the idea of *** is ruined in todays eyes
it grosses me out
and i cant find a person with the same feeling
use me for my body
lie for your desires
everyone is the same
slave to lust

I come crawling back to familiar places
stuck inside a box inside my own head
ego
safety
need to be scared
move beyond this
emotions are all over the place
I get used for ***
and support
I am 2 caring and obsessive

want to erase evrything from everything
i have no aspirations
weaning off dreams from highschool
nothing matters for me
hoping for something to come to me
but i must go to it