my head hurts
in a way
that ******* gross aspirin cannot fix
i can still taste the overdose
in the back of my throat
the pits of my
aching stomach
trying to expel
its chalky white substance
my head hurts
i'm too traumatized by
"pills"
fix me, ******* magically fix me
please

"One fine morning,
                                      As usual Mary went for jog,
                   and while returning home, she checked the letter box,
                     Besides the usual bills, advertisements and offers
             There lay this ominous letter in black and crimson color...
                                                and of course,
             curiosity got better of her and she was ripping of the edges

                                    and on scanning the contents  
                                       she gave out a shrill cry...
                                          her fingers trembling
                                         her forehead sweating...
                                      
                                         It was a suicide letter!!
                                      A letter with news of death
                                            A letter from a man
                                                 who wrote this
                                         before his few last breaths...

                                       Slowly she read each word..
                             each one of them echoing in her head..
                                       the letter went as follows-

Dear Jane,
I love you a lot,
and I know you will be in shock and pain,
but I couldn't handle it anymore,
I found my answers in the dark,
I found solace in enternal bliss,
I just want you to stay strong,
and fulfill my last wish,
so lend me your attention, woman,
Do  you remember that old paino we have in the attic?,
I want you to gift that to my small sister,
Lily is naive and she would miss me and won't find any thing
To call her own anymore,
Give her this paino so that she may hold it dear to her heart,
If you don't do this for me,
then I am afraid my soul wouldn't rest,
and in a fortnight I would be chasing you as a ghoul,
you will always be my girl,
Love,
          Peter

                             Mary read and re-read again and again,
                             then she finally gave a sigh of relief,
                   and picked up her phone and went to do laundries,
                                                     You see,
                        the letter had reached the wrong destination.
                                               (what a irony)"

all the days just fade into one another
i do nothing, i see nothing, i am nothing
even medication and self harm cannot bring me out of this darkness
i binge and purge the demons out of me

i take all the pills at once to drown out my own self hate
i take them all to accompany the numbness in my heart
i slip down further and further
the darkness gets darker and darker

i drink away the voices in my mind
i drink until they go from sharp and bitter
to warm and soft
i drink the pain away

i cry until my heart caves in
i cry because there’s no other way
i can suffer like i should
i cry until my eyes dry out

i take the pills
i drink everything away
i cry all night
until i find the courage to end my own life.

What it feels like to od

Your mind is screaming, fingers fumbling
You poor down the pills
Throat burning, but all you can think about is pooring down more

***** covers your body
Everything shaking, spinning, darking

You lose focus on everything but the white, red, and blue pills
almost patriotic

The ***** dosen't stop
you try to keep it down, but it burns it way up and out
Soon whole pills come up
this just makes you more determined to swallow more

You just want it to end, no  matter the pain
Hearing gunshots out your window, wishing it was you

Layng there, weak, covered in your own *****
then suddenly dog barking EMTs running through the house shining a Flash light in your face,
Screaming "what did you take!"
blank stare, mind too foggy
again "what did you take!"

mind reeling, stomach lurching, vomiting
screaming again
"Into the bag. ***** into to the bag, we need to analize it"

****** into and amulance
you're too young, you're too young, you're too...
**black out

The words come back and conversation
Flows under excited pressure
Just like the red rose when I register
Its been a while so the better in me knows
And tries to send a message to me
But my psychic energy grows
More intensely on a memory's
Lows, I always get the best of me
Tolls, Happiness isn't free
I wish I could just be fine with settling
Stop hoping that my two halves will quit wrestling
Over who drives while the other is directing
From the back seat, this is where I belong
A siren is my life's theme song
Hand in hand I'm dragged along
To some place I'd rather not be
Put on a face so they won't see
Anything that's felt inside of me
Learning to survive by blending in
Once released, spin cycle repeats
Pumping poison bought off the street
A death rehearsed I'll never know
When rehearsal ends, begin the show
I'm drifting off into sleep...
But this time it's too deep.

False idols only lead to false hope.
Got a choke chain necklace
A Rosary noose around my throat.
We all love, We all die.
As long as I still struggle to breathe
You won't see how selfish it is to keep me
Crawling by.

Oh how lucky the depraved are!
Oh how brave the saddest were...

I've tried their medicine, I made it mine.
No note; Nothing to say Goodbye.
Maybe my blood will thicken their tears?
My only salvation is my biggest fear.

So here I'll stand... But I'll go stag - staggering.
I hope, not, to bother you
With these thoughts
that keep us both awake.
I've had some Help, my reflection in her eyes
And she said as best she could, "keep your friend in mind."

Trying to hang on - to something - but it's lesser everyday.
Brave friend...You once said
"Me and you, we think alike. Share the same troubles..."
Maybe I'm just jealous
Cuz my struggles are now doubled.

She takes the pills
As if they will relieve
This deep ache that pervades her whole being.

Inside she wills
Herself just to believe
That she's not feeling what she is seeing.

Inside it plays
On a screen in her head
As if on a loop, over and over.

Nothing betrays
How she's feeling so dead
And the lengths to which wretchedness drove her.