Your kisses are a bundle of nerves
and the more we lean back
the more we can feel our shattered spines
but having lived is
worth being paralysed,
your hugs are safety
I can never detach myself from,
conjuring up sighs in me
I never get the chance to speak of.

a thousand restless fingers
pluck along my nerves
and crawl swarming bees
over my flesh
******* dry honey
and I as a comb am empty
waiting on the waxing moon
to bring in the tide
exposed and littered
on the cracked seabed
lighting beeswax candles
impromptu runway lights
for those aeroplanes
who always fail to land
and wasted afternoons
fade into wasted nights
tossing to and fro
I sleep
under the cupboards instead

Stand me still in swaying grass
on the crest of a smooth esker.
Numb my ears to synthetic noise
so I can embrace the earthly chorus;
Green blades clashing swordlike.
The creak of trees, rooted in the battle.
The flip and twist of a passing bluebottle;
Awkward and disorientated.
Let me breathe deep the same wind
that lends herself to these instruments.
Let me hear the crackle of sun on skin;
The sound of hair electrified,
The thud of chemicals leaping across synapses.

Let me feel truly alive.

I was born a medical debacle.
Bowel movements consistently irritable,
Inflammation causing an abundance of distress,
Have my fears of leaving the house to ******.

Help me as my insides are bursting in pain.
I’d rather have my head repeatedly slammed in car door.
Scenarios created within my own psyche,
I am left with great despair for my future as a man.

Failing  to do so little as sitting in a classroom,
With unfamiliar eyes that could easily be drawn to me,
I hear a gurgling sound coming from my intestines,
And I am stranded on an island of panic.

Unable to leave the room,
As the instructor ceases trips to the bathroom,
I’m crying on the inside in agony,
And my colon is screaming traumatically.

The mental tormenting has gone seventeen years too long,
With this ailment I have yet to rid myself of.
I am a slave to this known syndrome,
As many people are of this day,
And I have genetics to be thankful for of this disease,
That is literally and figuratively,
eating me up inside.

Numb and so anxious, can't begin to tell you why
These feelings pelting my lungs as I try to breathe
It's nearly impossible to calm my nerves
Can't handle it anymore
Being away from you breaks my heart
Makes my body ache everyday
Star of Bethlehem couldn't help this heart

be still now, my love*
let me kiss the nerves dancing
from your fingertips

Deep breath
Head held up high
walk forward

One step, two step

Shake off the nerves
breath
continue

Three, Four

Look forward
think positive
breath

almost there
just one more to go

five, six... Stop

Deep Breath

And Go

No one understands the pain that surges through my body.
I am engulfed in flames.
And yet they laugh at me as though it's just a quirk.
As if I want to be this way.

I'm drowning and yet they tell me to swim.
Every breath is a cry of despair.
And yet they stand there breathing without a care.
As if I'm playing a game.

I thought they loved me.
These were the people I had chosen to let in.
And yet they threw away the key.
As if it didn't cost me anything.

(-DF-03/27/16-)

This pain is ******* the air from these lungs
It's making still this tongue
This blood won't move
These nerves won't sooth
My limbs are ice cold
There's holes in my soul
There's bruises on my body
My life story is shoddy
This pain will end
When I decend
I'm halfway there
It's all I can bare