it hit me suddenly
the countdown you started
since you knew me
the day you met me
with silicon in your eyes
you were ready
and it hit me
a week
a month before
and i know now
how exact math can hurt more than
wondering and thinking

i started writing when i was 15 years old. every word that came from me stemmed from a dark place that i was trying my best to come out from. every poem i wrote was a desperate plea for help. it's been 5 years since then and i'm in a completely different place now, mentally and physically. i'm far from home, doing my degree in psychology, hoping that one day i'll get to help people who felt the same way i did years ago. it took me a while but i found myself, and i found love. i found love for myself, and i found love for others. and most importantly, i found love for a specific him, and i know that even if we don't ever make it to the end together, he will always be someone very precious to me. as such, this is "the end". but this is also "the beginning". the beginning of my 20s, the beginning of my university life, and the beginning of my life.

thank you for walking with me through the toughest moments/days of my life. when things were bad all i had were my words and hellopoetry to release them to. you kept me afloat when i couldn't do so myself. so thank you, so so so much.

i’m three beers in, alone
when i should be at home.
you’re god knows where
when you should be here.

i don’t cry
i don’t get caught on the little things
i do though,
without you

can we go watch the stars again?
slowly floating near each other
never meeting
like us
until it was too late

i feel like wearing all black
i feel like my scuffed docs
i feel like dark nail polish
and i feel like a fourth beer

I'll leave my hat
My shoes
And My scarf
That you adored

I'll leave my house
My rings
And my jewelry.
That I always wore.

I'll leave my paintings
That you said were dumb.
I'll leave all my little charms
That I said were good luck.

You can have it all

But I'm taking my heart,
Out the door

Cause that
Is mine
And mine
To take

You can't have my love
Not anymore

So Farewell
Farwell to you

And to me
The one you once knew.

The bird in the sky
The caterpillar in the tree
If only I could fly
Then I'd finally be free
But still encapsulated
in another dream.

it is ok
if i can't let you go
all at once

little by little
i will
misplace your pieces

until all that remains
is the stencil
of where you used to lie

Leaving
It sounded all to familiar to her
No matter who left it never got easier
The dead silence with the only sound of her beating
The damp tears beating down
The shatter of her heart breaking by the footsteps of another leaving once again
She felt it way to many times

We built this house. We eat watermelon on the floor, spitting seeds across a shooting range measured by the planks in the floor.

We built this house. We spill barbeque sauce while trying to make pizza and lick it from each other like wild animals, we are free.

We built this house. We drink our coffee cold. We’re too busy looking at each other to drink it hot. I guess we’re admiring the temperature of each other instead.

We built this house. My eyes are the color of the garden you gave me, watered by the April showers of tough times. Flowers come in spring.

We built this house. Your eyes fell from the stars, your dreams stayed there, never to come back down.

We built this house. We dance in our underwear as we pack away our scars, the scars that don’t scream,

we can walk away from this quietly.

We have never loved each other more than this moment, but now this moment has passed. We sit across from each other in more April showers, flowers come in spring. We sit on the wrong sides of the table. Packing our scars into separate boxes, they scream. We keep them quiet.

If Christ can move stone to forgive our sins, why can’t we?

Rip open the scars that scream, pack them with the dirt of a grave, you are ready to let them die. You are ready to plant seeds. Flowers come in spring. We don’t wait for healing to find us. We have risen from the ground and better **** well act like it. You water flowers, not leave. Regrowth happens in spring.
We are spring.
We are spring.

We built this house.