I comment “yes daddy” on your videos
You comment “prettiest gurl” on my photos
We are just friends, but just maybe, just maybe we want something more.

a memory

the delhi monsoon, 2016
smashed inkpot like the sky
my head on the bus’s window
yours too
i said, “so what’s up?”

from there you would often turn around, have a look at me, shake your head, let out a shaky breath, give me that lazy smile and your eyes would be showing adoration, you would turn back and answer to my many questions

we talked about our classes, our future maybe not as a pair but as individuals

at some point, you and I started talking about politics, developing ideas out of the very little information that we had.

at some point, you and I started talking about art, dancing our fingers on the glass, creating figures and emotions.

at some point, we got to school

you stood behind me, the kids were just too slow, because the hormones had yet to be released, you were a little taller than me, your head dropped, and you whispered, "I want to be in the same class"

and both of us grinned, pushing all our feelings out, somewhere gloomy, twilight-like, dark and unseen.

you introduced me to your sister
you told me that you wanted to pursue sports
you said will talk to later

neither did you pursue sports nor did we talk again in person

I'm spinning in circles, wanting someone who might be mine, but I'm too scared to do that, trying to make myself believe that you really don't exist. I'm ******* selfish, yeah.

trapped here with the weight of memories and emotions that I don't want to revisit.

boy, boys are bad for you, I am telling you.

You’re down
an acceptable amount of pleasure
I close my eyes
I’m in the moment

I drift

I’m not here
It’s not you
Now I feel
The one that was before

I feel him
I smell him
I see the light
I hear the street

I miss your taste
Your thoughts
Your words
I miss the moments after

I’m back

Did you notice
I’ve been on autopilot?

It broke into my fantasies, crushing my daydreams. Making my longing break into an ever higher pace whilst the rug was pulled from under my feet. Facedown, sweat and tears, blood and pieces. Tasting the rock bottom, falling from the clouds. Breaking my bones, my connection to you, making me blind.

It really did break my heart, seeing you two.

Broke it in a non-refundable kind of way, a permanent way. Broke the pieces I'd left of you, for you, saved, so that we could one day return.

The worst feeling
is remembering
how much I love you
five years later;
and not having
you by my side.

'''Am home
Year 2002 😳
Sounds like long time;of course it should be
John demathew songs hits my eardrums😔
Mom's voice echoing after every chorus
Wish I knew she didn't know the song😂😂😂
My everyday tight hug and daddy you home gone with demathew song
Once questioned her love to me with the song of the skinny guy; demathew😂😂'''

i miss those days where i’d **** on lollipops and cigarettes,
i miss those days when it seemed like you missed me, and you hugged me so tight.

those days when we didn’t worry about debt and the slanted kisses on ones wrist.

i miss those days.
i miss that one yesterday.

i was always told
vampires don't exist
yet i spend hours and days
feverishly trying
to forget the feel
of your teeth upon my skin.