If silence speaks louder than words,
Why was I not heard?

out of place
out in space
my mind wonders
looking for something safe.
to hold onto
and cherish,
but I tend to stumble
and perish.
when fallen down
I'm filled with sound,
constant and booming
loud and looming.
once redirected
my head feels connected,
to the body I know
and my wisdom
I call home.

Take me back to yesterday,
where the grass was noticeably greener and the water was warm to the touch.
The trees stood tall, and when you looked up the Sun spilled yellow happiness straight down your throat. No worries about choking, because dancing with the Sun was enough.
Reverse the clock,
and let me live in a fantasy.
Please, oh please
don't leave me here to be.
I can't deal with it here today.
I can hear all of their negative thoughts screaming at me as I walk past and as I walk away I'm struck by lightning, as punishment from the Gods themselves, forcing me to sit and listen and listen.
My only state of euphoria is thinking back to when the Sun was setting and the air was breathing cold, but there wasn't a care in the world.
Take me back to yesterday,
where my breathing wasn't staggered,
and I wasn't constantly looking for my lighthouse.
Thirty shiny stars, and a single dull dime.
Tell me, please, that when I go, it will all get better.

How can this be
Is it just who I am, is it me?
How can this be?

Questions are lined up
Spinning my head around
Answers nowhere to be found

How do I still crave
To walk into the oldest of caves
The one that whispers inside

How do I still want more
When I have everything I could possibly adore
How and why? Is this just a part of my core?

Wild and free ain't all it sounds to be
I don't want wild, I just want set free
From this taunting voice inside of me

Begging to be fed
And I want it as heavy as lead
But I hide it under the bed

Should I indulge again
Or, sweep it under the rug
Head up, eyes forward
Don't move, stand strong
Hold on to what you have

But the silence is so loud
My heart can't be proud

Turn it off turn it off
Make it stop calling out to me

How can it be?
That I still crave
What lies within that cave

And just like that
the hum of anxiety
slowly rises from its grave
at first I can only hear it if I am listening
in quiet places, all alone
but its volume increases ever so slightly
throughout the day
throughout the week
until it's a roar
deafening me
and drowning out everything else
i want to find the off switch
i want to enjoy
the sound of birds chirping
i want to hear the way you laugh at my jokes
but everything else gets put on mute
while I wrestle with the monster in my head

i’ve taught myself
to be silent when
i shouldn’t,
and now i’m not
when i should,

there i go,
obliviously, relentlessly
and uncontrollably making
my voice worthless and worth less.