I hate myself so much right now
But I love God.
Does that mean I love myself?
I'm so confused!
How can I say I love God, but not love myself?
I mean, it's me for Christ's sake!
The person I live with, in.
The one person I should know better than anyone else in this universe.

Maybe that's the problem.
I don't know me.
Atleast not anymore.
God knows me,
Better than anyone else does.
He knew me before I was even thought of.
He created me, formed me in my mother's womb.
See, he has every right to love me,
to love his creation,
what he calls his masterpiece.
But I don't have to,
Because i can't love what I don't know.


The artist can look at it's painting and deem it perfect
But me glancing at myself?
I guess the light is shining on me at a weird angle,
Because I see nothing special.

It arrives uninvited.
Quietly seeping in like toxic gas,
suffocating and poisoning
any thought etched with love,
leeching its happiness.

It unpacks anxieties,
dressing me in layers of loathing;
scraping insecurities
to let it rage on my being.

It gently coaxes my mind
painting every thought a shade darker
letting it heavy
myself to detachment.

It purrs and studies
getting comfortable;
morphing reality into a self made purgatory.

Slacking and barely coping with the pace of reality,
it tears fibers to root itself
allowing it to grow with every beat
leaving no energy to breathe.

Emptiness
Loneliness
Detachment
Stillness
are all back,
heaving my eyelids
leaving a trail of labels
down to my chin.

Until my hollow structures
implode into dark matter
leaving me one with the abyss.

how awe inspiring
a love derived from love
a love derived from fear
everything i ever felt
has led me to this wretched "here"
pull my hair like you pull my heartstrings
im sure we'll do just fine
everything i have ever known about you
has made me want to call you "mine"
you are strong in more ways than one
a lover has not needed to commit such felonies as me
"well... that was fun"
and
"i cant believe how long that took you to see"
rattling keys doused in ivory peace
lovely lovely souls masked by a need to feel first at least
at last
i have longed for a day of fulfillment
yet today i am met with nothing but turmoil
this hellbound love does not feel heavensent
but this day is the day in which i refuse to recoil
i would not be the same without you
R

Finding it difficult
to find myself able
to have faith in you
anymore.

Every sentence
laced with lies
lost in loathed
lipstick.

There once was a time
where I took your
words as an oath
never to be broken
and thought the
truth never omitted.

Here I lie in the aftermath
shown the truth to be set free
shell shocked and shattered.

I am so mad at myself
I want to smack my brain across its face
The thoughts I think are so absurd
my hopes are higher than the stars
This must be why
I often find myself
Crashing down
With such
Great
Force.

Do you know how it feels to be a prisoner in your own skin?
How every night the heaviness in your shoulders get worse
and you have to wonder if it's because you've always had to carry your own world
or if it's because of the weight of your demons

Have you ever felt your self trying to burst out from under your skin?
How your heart tries to claw its way out of your chest
like it's been drowning for years in your own blood
How your chest feels like it's going to explode
How you have to stop yourself every night from trying to let it go free

I may live in this body but it's no longer my home
these shaky hands and lonely bones—
I don't want anything to do with them
Do you know how it feels?
How every night I think about running away from my own skin?

How, no matter how hard I run,
I know that this is the only reality I'll ever have