i mean aren't i supposed to know
where to go and how to feel
what happens? when i'm abandoned.
on this raft in a sea called my emotions
im afloat but my heart is drowning.
i still alive but the sharks are surrounding.
the same sharks that feed
on the broken moments in my head
AS I LAY IN MY BED
i lay, in my bed and stare at the ceiling
convincing myself its okay to be mistreated
is it

Pain again is salt on wound
Tears are raindrops under an umbrella cloud
I’m not hiding from it anymore
It does not make my body sore

It rained other times too
And every time sunny moments followed
The green was greener
And my smile truer

Pain again is salt on wounds
I wonder now what flowers bloom
How high they’ll grow
What will they know.

I'm mad at you
and I don't want
to be mad at you.

but at the same time,
I'm not mad enough.
I should be angrier.

there have always been
gaps in my memory,
places where my trauma
nibbled away until the
memories were useless.

you knew this.

I have spent years of
my life trying to recover,
trying to patch up
the holes in my memory.

I lost my entire childhood.
I spent all of it trying to
remember what my brain
wanted me to forget.

I have cried and hurt
and panicked and once,
I even tried to give up.

for most of my life,
I have hated myself
and harmed myself.

you knew this.

you knew how badly
this ****** up my life.

you even tried comforting me,
giving me brotherly speeches
and advice that I took to heart.

I trusted you.
for all of these years,
I have trusted you.

the memories came back.
I haven't slept in six days.
I am being slowly destroyed
by my own mind, and
I don't know how to stop it.

you were there that night.
I ran to your room and
I banged on the door
and you opened it,
and I told you everything.

you were the voice
in the bathroom with me,
helping me undress
and assessing my injuries.

you knew what happened,
and you said nothing.

I know you were young,
and I know that this has
traumatized both of us.

but you were old enough
to remember everything.

you remember the
blood stains and the
fear in my eyes and
how I barely knew what
had happened to me.

I understand why you
didn't say anything
on that night all of
those years ago,

but why didn't you
say anything when
I was older and you saw
how it shattered me?

I almost killed myself
trying to remember
what you already knew.

this is my body.
that was my trauma.
those were my memories.

you knew this whole time.
you knew everything.
you ******* knew,
and you said nothing.

why did you say nothing?
why didn't you tell me?

I just need to know.
why didn't you tell me?

why did you keep this
locked inside of your brain
while mine desperately
searched to find it?

how could you?
I trusted you.

and this whole time,
you already knew.

I hate when the my thoughts go there
And I sit and stare
I hate when I get tempted to do that
And I do and regret
I hate when I do not feel content
As I  haven't  lived a sad life.
I hate when I do not know what I resent
But that feeling controls my life
I hate to see that I am not what I wanted to be

My most complex
Terrifying
Heartbreaking thoughts
Are always followed
by a question,
You know?