It is in the midst of insecurity
weakness and pain
that I found my voice
resonant, loud
not lurking in the shadows
It is in the darkest of times that my creative soul emerged
embraced me in its warmth
and gave me a sign
a forever reminder
that I can carry a world with words
that my hands were made to create
a forever reminder
that insecurity will not eat me up
it will not consume me
it will not overpower me
my power lays in words, needle and thread
most importantly
my power lays in a burning passion for what i do
a burning passion that will not dim nor fade away into the uncertainty of insecurity

it's 3 o'clock and
i smell bad
do you still love me?
even when i look in the mirror
and pick at all my pores
and gouge out my eyes
and moan about

"i wish i was skinnier
and ate less
and took up less space
and my hair was shinier
and my mouth was larger
and i spoke less
and i wish i was better
for you."

do you still love me?
am i still beautiful?
am i beautiful?

.
.
Oh, why must this be!
In this pretend society,
it proceeds to drown me in
insecurities, frustration, envy.

We are our very own droplets of the universe,
each person with uncharted galaxies
that not all people can descry

Most of us are prone to ire,
a single remark
can spark a fire

Fearing to be seen as imperfect,
we change the pure essence
of ourselves,
that very
moment

Do I even know me?

I started to think
if there was even a calm
before the storm,
our minds frantic,
and
I'm concerned
.
.
Life is a dance, never-ending!
A game of musical chairs,
with a sole chair for all of we

Unaware about the
hundreds of seats
surrounding it;

All this negativity
just because of a flaw
within
me
.
.
.
you,
and
everybody.

The seasons shift
Fade away
Gets a bit colder each bitter day
Moment after moment slips from my hand
Stuck here struggling to understand
You moved on but I'm paralyzed
Guess by now I should have realized
Start walking forward
Turn around
To past it seems I am hopelessly bound
Loving you making me lose my mind
Still I am unable to leave memories behind
You lost yourself somewhere along the way
Why am I still addicted to who you are today?
Is it because I have forfeited so much for you?
Because you're familiar?
Have no clue
When will soul finally know serenity?
Life plunges me deeper into insanity
Why is the universe unfair?
World so cold
I had it all
Now nothing to hold
Begins wearing heart's patience thin
I start to bleed and am left with no skin
Falling backwards into pit of insecurity
Every minute without you feels like eternity

I cannot explain all the pathetic measures
my eyes will take to avoid your gaze,
all the paths my legs will journey to avoid bumping into you on my way home.
All the ways I knead my hands to the bone and all the toothpick excuses skewering my tongue.
And I cannot explain the way your presence deflates something inside my chest.
I don't know what to do with all that empty space. It echoes.
I fill it with the thimble's worth of pride that I scrape together,
every meager flake of validation I pick from the floor. I shovel slopping handfuls of sawdust
to try and soak up some of the shadows
but everything dissolves in that oily void, green and hideous.
God, it echoes, and everyone hears it.
I muffle it with my radio silence.
I look at you and I see everything I hate about myself
under a microscope.
Every blemish, every scar, every gaping hole
that you lack.
Stop, look. Here. Wrong.
Hear?
I blind myself with radio silence.
I don’t know how to live with an eternal reminder that I am incomplete.
You, and the place you hollowed without even knowing it.
Green and monstrous.
It echoes and everyone hears it.
I love you, but I cannot explain my radio silence.

Insecurity runs through me
Like scalding water across my skin
Contact is pain and pure panic
I'm drowning in this negativity
You are not enough and
You don't know how to love
You aren't hot enough and
Not even a good ****
Your life is a waste
You've got no potential
You are nothing
You mean nothing
So many words echo harshly
Against the concrete walls of my mind
Crying out over and over again
As they crash against the pavement
Each collision a shockwave
Of claustrophobic negativity
Their tremors shake violently through my bones
Reinforcing themselves into my DNA

Before the chicory unfurls to the sun,
meet me down the gravel road
beneath the Tulip Poplar.

I will Revel in your aura-
Share my radiance with you.
Our beautiful friendship gleaming.

Exchanging love in the purest form,
the way that we relate.
Laughter dancing in our eyes

If the world saw things differently
We could do this everyday.

Until then,
We’ll look forward to next summer
If only for Thursday.