Its the worst feeling right in the lowest pit of my stomach missing you like this. Too many days pass without you, but my mind is engulfed by you, every moment of every day. The eternal void I constantly dread, that one that longing commands. Dates pencilled in when you come to town seem so far away, yet move ever closer and each day is more tangible than the last but so much further than the next. Our time is fleeting yet all encompassing but one blink and its gone. I wish tonight you were here next to me, just like I imagine every night. A cuddle, a kiss, a smile as we drift off to sleep. Internal landscapes we walk together. And upon waking in the glint of dawns first light, we share the day's first kiss. Fingers wander, tantalized by our warm flesh and pull each other close, hold on tightly never wanting to let go. And maybe I'll hold on too tightly and not let go. But that time will make itself known, when our bodies have to let go. I'll have to let you go again. I'll wait for the days to pass, moments which turn to hours, hours to days, days to weeks. So slowly they will pass. But my heart will beat just a little faster, a little stronger when I hear your voice and I know it won't be long S, until we can be together again.

hold of me
apple tree
i think i am controlling
but it's holding me
can't frolic
can't be
the apples that grow on this tree
are no good for me

C - o - n - t - r - o - l,
What would happen
If your walls just fell?
If you lessen your grip
And loosen the reins?
I know you love leadership,
But do you love the chains
That bind you to what you control?
It's good for production,
But is it good for your soul?

Sometimes the current,
The wind, are enough.
A subtle guide,
A gentle touch.
Your life's like a glass
You cling to so tightly
Trying to hold it together
But cracking it slightly.

Please don't let go
What were my hands made for if they're not holding yours?

surrendering to the angel you send in the night
tarnishing night with stars you set, of mementos, gems
sweetened into being by the heat of unknown
fun in the warning
sun in the worsening
need to see the warm winds
in your hair, see it myself
my vigil, diadem is a pen
decrees are on each page
that summer endings and I
lay down to
- it's dreaming
of the soul that holds my soul

remember
how the sun barely peeked into his apartment,
the way your curious face greeted me,
the way his entire apartment was ours for a few hours.

the way you held on to me,
your hands around my waist,
your head slightly tilted, just barely resting on my shoulder,
and before we knew it, we were sprawled on his bed, basking in each other's warmth.

the way you stroked my hair,
telling me everything might not be alright,
telling me I'll find someone like you, probably better,
telling me to find someone like you,
but you're the only one like you.

telling me to move on,
telling me to be happy,
telling me to find someone to love;
i guess we both know we'll only be happy if it weren't us.
i guess we're never really meant for each other.