i see evidence of a life i used to live
everywhere i go

faces of what i think are people i used to
know, but are really just someone i do not
and will never know

remnants of memories scattered around
for me to find, a cruel scavenger hunt i
never wanted to play

the ghost of me lives here in my shadow
always here,
following me around

i think
some days it is the shadow
and i am left straddling the blurred lines
of who i used to be and who i am now
whoever she is

and some days i do not know
which one
i would rather be

I cant write a poem today
because the endless words will fog the purpose
I'm sorry for all I've done
My mistake for being dumb
Were all flawed, were all hauted
But its me who couldn't see
I thought those thoughts were true
but it turns out they just had
selfish wished
all I blamed was for myself
for I am the most flawed
this doesn't rime
this doesn't flow
but neither do my thoughts
surrounded by all my lies

I am jealous of your life before.
Of all the fingers that have touched you,
And the ears that have heard you say
“I love you.”
I am jealous
Of all the parts of you I will never know,
Of all the years that I didn’t play a part in,
Of all the smiles that I didn’t cause.
I know I have no right to be,
I cannot claim every piece of you,
I cannot deny you a history,
I cannot be your everything.
But god knows, I want to be.
Because what if those ghosts of fingers
Still touch you?
What if you still hear the echoes
Of “I love you”s that tripped from tongues
Other than mine?
What if all those smiles,
Half remembered,
Make you long for lips you used to kiss?
What if,
What if,
What if.
I don’t know how to not be afraid
Of losing you.
I am scared that one day you will wake up,
And look at me,
And realise I am so hollow
And I have so little to give.
I am scared that you will realise
You are worth so much more
Than me.

All Your love
Is like a rainbow
Like a star births first light
With in me

And the sold
Golden pharohs will bow
As the colors and shadows
Run free

And the way
Is shut
By these old hands

Your Diamond Eyes
Cry
Drowning me

And your fires
In my life
Like lost memories
In the ground

So sing for all the yesterdays
And burn my body down

And I Hear
you chasing lost kings
And I smell your long hair
In the Breeze

And your life
Is on fire With the ages
Now you can finally
Be free

And the way
Is shut
By these old hands

Your Diamond eyes
Cry
Drowning me

And I gave
all my time
to the pennyman
And he said

Its hard to live your life now
Without being a little dead

You know,
Its hard to live your life now
Without being a little dead

I never hear when they speak
only hours later
in the painfully lit basement of my home
with earphones and patience
do their words reach me
such was the case last October
I was driving through Wilderness, Virginia
for the first time and happened to pass
Saunders Field. I caught sight of the plaque
that stood at the bottom of the hill
and a trail that led into the woods
where the fierce skirmishes took place
it was a bit chilly and windy
and the road nearby was busy with passing cars
not an ideal place for an EVP session
but I felt compelled to try
and walked the edge of the woods
then a short portion of the trail
I asked many questions directly to anyone
who may be listening
'How many souls perished here?'
'Are you one of those souls?'
'Did you suffer?'
'Why do you stay or visit this place?'
as usual, I heard no voices during the 18 minutes
of questioning
however, the presence was undeniable
I was not alone here
this I knew
on the way back down the hill to leave
I reached out one final time
'I have about 20 seconds left, so if you'd like
to say something, please say it now'
again I heard nothing, turned the recorder off
and departed

it was several days before I could return home
and review my recording
but my curiosity as always
grew stronger the longer I had to wait
I was disappointed as I began to listen
nothing heard as each minute passed
only the whisper of wind and cars
until I came to my final statement in those last moments...
'I have about 20 seconds left, so if you'd like
to say something, please say it now.'

'Leave me under ground........'