I had a dream, I saw you there
You reached for me
I reached back

Your skin was cold as ice
Scared, you told me to awake
I opened my heart

I had awoken, but you weren't there
The dream is what kept me alive
I had a dream..

As I age, as time drifts by,
I couldn't help but wonder,
how I lived like a lie.

Life is a movie, they say
a comedy, a theatrical play.
I watch as the stars glisten in the sky,
nobody knows how hard I try.

I try to live,
to please you
yet all you see
is a rebel who deceives you
and a loathsome flee.

Now, all that's left is a worn out soul,
a tired mind,
a lifeless role.
All I could do is apologise,
for the genius in me no longer lives by.

Do not tell me that i won’t always be alone. Stop telling me that, it's not true. Please stop giving me that idea, when i always end up by myself. And you’re surrounded by people who love you while i’m surrounded by people who use me- who i let use me because it makes me feel wanted, if even just for a second. Because i’m so alone otherwise that i feel ******* empty. Don't tell me, “Someone will stay.. eventually”, when you left me and let me drown after convincing me to take the leap of faith off my cliff into your vast dark waters. And even when i am so sure that i can swim, i am pulled back into your undertow, suffocating on the words that i wish i could scream in your face and choking on the love that continues to fill my chest, regardless of all the ******* that you put me through. Keep your rotted apologies that beat against me in meaningless waves, those comforting words that keep me afloat until your hands can latch on like a shark, and those ******* looks of pity as if i'm the mer-thing that was never supposed to get caught in your net of lies. But at least there is one lie that i will never believe: That there are plenty of fish in the sea and that i will find the one for me.

                       -**** the fish, you are my whole    
                                                       ­  ******* ocean
                        and i'm just trying to tread water

The tongue wags with sudden impulse
swearing on myself what I’d never utter to another
a volcano of failure erupts like a reflex
gushing in a tide of crimson anger
making me wonder if my mind is master
or merely a servant of fleeting feelings.

I embarrass myself and subject those in earshot
to these small virile tsunamis of garbage
molesting and spoiling peaceful moments
while they silently love me
and cherish the molecules of purity
they see and summon in me.

It will take a higher power
to stem this tide
for my own devices have pitifully failed.

I call out to the heavens
mount me on eagles’ wings
bear me on the breath of dawn
change my mind
and pinch my tongue
between your finger and thumb.

The fluidity of words
Consecrating more than
A simple idea
Has slipped away

And what’s left are
Empty hands and
Silent mouths
Void of sophistication

What is anxiety it makes me cry
I'm very withdrawn and so very shy
I keep to myself and I pull away
Far from all people that want me to stay

I don't know why I don't know how
I thought I'd understand long before now
It hides way down deep with in my soul
And in the depth of my heart it burns a hole

It's something that no one can understand
Because we are liabeled we are always band
We not like you we all stand alone
We never choose it how could we of known

There was a time that all seemed ok
But in an instant it was taken away
Then we were faced with a life of hell
And only find comfort inside our shell

We are different not quiet like you
But the sad reality is if you only knew
We are the same just so loving and caring
But something inside is frightening and flaring

It's a horrid mixture of emotions and fears
And we are tossed around in a violent oceans
Of panic and stress and deep down depression
With endless hours of endless sessions

We are stuck on an endless roller coaster ride
With demons and dragons deep down inside
Its ups and downs and mental torture
My mind and emotions is my books author

The anger and agony I keep deep inside
It always comes out I wish I could hide
Away from the world the ones I love most
The ones I love dearly the ones I need close

I live in a world of unimaginable horror
Please make it stop make it go till tomorrow
My emotions keep swirling my mind is a mess
I battle to breathe I have tightness of chest

I clinchs and I murmur I stumbled and stutter
I hurt and I scream and I cry and I mutter
I walk to and frow and I groan and I cry
Oh please someone just help me know why

It comes in an instant just out of no where
My emotions of anger once more does flare
I feel like I boarder on mental insanity
Even my hands are wet and clammy

My head is a whirlpool of fear and frustration
It hurts and it screams am I in damnation
Why can't it stop or subside for a while
Am I been punished it's so evil and vile

What have I done what did I do
Why can't I be normal just like you
Where is my peace and quiet I once had
What went wrong that it ended up so bad

There's no one to turn to there's no safe place
No where to run so the house I'll just pace
I sit and I rock and I cry and I'm steaming
The voice of reason gives me no meaning

That little voice that should guide right
Like all my energy again took flight
Now I'm just left with the voices of evil
It's like my body belongs to the devil

So again I'm hurting I'm ripped apart
Another ones about to start
I close my eyes and try wish it away
But like the rest I know it will stay

What have I done I wonder why
I'm gentle soft and very shy
I was not the man I am today
But anger hatred has come to stay

I'm really fun and so kind at heart
But others ripped my heart apart
I learnt to fend and fight alone
My body ackes my heart does grown

When I was a little lad
I was happy carefree and never sad
I did the things that small boys do
How I'd turnout no one new

As my toddler years went by
I realised my life was but a lie
Violence, anger, abuse and pain
Would make me hang my head in shame

The happy life I knew before
Had suddenly gone out our back door
Our happy home had disappeared
It looked like evil it's ugly head had reared

Been a kid so young at heart
Like every other kid does start
Had to learnt to grow up fast
And try to run far from my past

But as my teen year went on by
I became more withdrawn and shy
I made wrong choices did wrong things
One night stand and many flings

Drugs, ***** and deep dark things to
Took me to a place so cold and blue
Relationship that never last
Oh if I could just return to my past

As I aged and became much older
Tried to be strong and much bolder
But the past that hunted me
Wouldn't go away you see

I know deep down in side my heart
Everything of me was ripped apart
I'm but an empty shell inside
At least it is my place to hide

Ive pulled so far within myself
All's affected even my health
Im falling deeper into a blacken hole
Ive lost myself and I'm loosing my soul

The ones that are my near and dear
They can not see and do not hear
How could they ever understand
Not even I this was never planed

I can't show love and gentleness
Will my life ever change and be a bliss
I mask my breaking heart inside
Behind smiles and laughter I do hide

I sit alone so many nights
Thinking back on all the fights
I've become my dad you see
The one that totally destroyed me

How do I get my self untangled
When my mind is a mess and mangled
I blame the world for who I've become
At time I wish it was said and done

I lost the ones I loved so dear
Because I caused them constant fear
I never planed to be this man
I should of taken a firmer stand

Face my demons and my past
Then mabye I'd be free at last
But I cant I don't know why
Maybe I'm scared so I live a lie

What I want and what I need
I leave to others and there selfish greed
I never make my own decision
And I have fall into total depression

The ones that think there doing good
If they only really understood
What I yearn for deep inside
My needs my wants my silent cries

I'm at a place so far away
On this earth I don't want to stay
I've given up but still holding on
But the gentle me and selfworth is gone

So in my mind Ill retreat again
Blame the world for all my shame
Tell myself it's not my fault
It's just so hard and difficult

Maybe one day all will change
I know this all sounds very strange
But maybe tomorrow all will be well
And I'll at last come out my shell