“I wish I wrote the way I thought;
With maddening hunger.
I’d write to the point of suffocation.
I’d write myself into nervous breakdowns,
Manuscripts spiraling out like tentacles into abysmal nothing.
And I’d write about you a lot more than I should.”
But instead I write nothing
And hope that my thoughts are understood through my actions
Knowing the impossibility of it all
Because of the enigma that I was and continue to be
Desperate to fix myself when there is nothing broken
Grasping at pieces to make whole what was never shattered in the first place
I have created an illusion for myself to live with my trauma and try to label what makes me different
But I am slowly realizing that trauma does not define me
And my differences are what make me unique
What give me the power to view the world the way I do
What will enable me to change the broken world around me and finally allow myself a sense of peace
Some may say that I am selfish, to want to fix others but to never acknowledge my own flaws
This is not me saying I am perfect, but instead me finally giving myself closure from the wounds inflicted upon me by others... and by my self
No longer need I patch myself up and play the role designed by those trying to mold me into what they think I should be
No more do I daydream about the ways I could love you but never be loved in return
For the first time, I am free
Cheers to letting go of the things we cannot control and allowing ourselves to heal
undeserving of the energy i possess, the universe requires better
but i cannot exceed these thoughts that i am less than the dirt that covers the grave
this soul is daunting and the world, it taunts me
i push myself to try
for from the dirt grows life and nourishment
and flowers that decorate the dead
this wasted flesh and poisoned blood
become the wine and bread
am big sad rn but it's ok
And I felt as though I was burning from the inside out,
Choking on thick, black smoke while my mind began to fill with the ashes of what I once was.
Then he showed up and soothed my scorching soul all the while igniting something else. Something much deeper, that would hurt much more had he chose to blow it out.
Thankfully, mercifully, I thought, he decided to let me burn, but for too long. I began to sizzle out. For when the same spark finally caught fire in him, the bonfire that was once ablaze in me was reduced to nothing more than a charred pile of memories..
This piece is over three years old and I hope to be posting a revised version, hence the title.
Limbs overlap and our souls tangle in an
Your ragged breath overtakes my whispered
I can no longer decipher where you end and I
We lay in clouds of euphoria
Basking in the miraculous presence of an
unknown God and an inevitable death
I am barely aware of the hours passing while your fingertips trace the beauty you interpret as
my pale skin
Who could have foreseen this tantalizing joining
Neither you nor I seem to care as we rest in the
other's glorious embrace
We were inseparable in that moment
Do not tell me that i won’t always be alone. Stop telling me that, it's not true. Please stop giving me that idea, when i always end up by myself. And you’re surrounded by people who love you while i’m surrounded by people who use me- who i let use me because it makes me feel wanted, if even just for a second. Because i’m so alone otherwise that i feel ******* empty. Don't tell me, “Someone will stay.. eventually”, when you left me and let me drown after convincing me to take the leap of faith off my cliff into your vast dark waters. And even when i am so sure that i can swim, i am pulled back into your undertow, suffocating on the words that i wish i could scream in your face and choking on the love that continues to fill my chest, regardless of all the ******* that you put me through. Keep your rotted apologies that beat against me in meaningless waves, those comforting words that keep me afloat until your hands can latch on like a shark, and those ******* looks of pity as if i'm the mer-thing that was never supposed to get caught in your net of lies. But at least there is one lie that i will never believe: That there are plenty of fish in the sea and that i will find the one for me.
-**** the fish, you are my whole
and i'm just trying to tread water
Love is engulfing and not being loved back is drowning
— The End —