You know what I have noticed?
People get tired really quickly when you try to talk about your pain
Like...Why are you crying?
“It doesn't help anything”
“It doesn't make me want help you
I can't help you”
((I won't help you)) is what they mean to say
Crying doesn't solve problems no..But I don't do it for you
Maybe I cry because it makes me feel better
Better to open the gates and let the water leak through a little everyday
Instead of waiting to to be so full I overflow all at once
Maybe I’m just done trying to pretend I am strong
Is that so wrong? To be a little vulnerable?
To let myself be a little weak..sometimes
It is not my job to secure your comfort when I am in pain
When I am in need of protecting
When the rain is collecting in wells above me
no longer calming
Saying. to me
Beneath its breath
Care for Not yourself
but for the ones who deem you
unworthy of caring for
You are the reason
The reason for the storm
When did the rain become my enemy?
Spouting such lies as it cries above me
In song
I like the melody
But the lyrics seem wrong
At some point I have to see
That it is my twisted reality
That distorts all around me
What the rain is really saying,
And it gives really good advice
If I just let myself hear it,
Is
Care for yourself, and Not for those who deem you unworthy of caring for
You are the reason
The reason for the storm

You, you are a
Thermodynamic
Buoyant
Force
******* like the
single-minded
Octopus
that takes and takes
Strong energy,
mild energy
Inhales the organically-grown
Petals
of all flowers, regardless
Good intentions.
that sure is nice
What humility,
Artificial
Plastic
Egotistical
Manufactured
Trademarked
Birthed  
Regurgitated
and
too thoughtfully acted by
You.
But I see it.
You have
not landed.
The world needs your
footprint but
it does not need your self-indulged
hunger.
Be humble.
Your success is not
marked if
You are not humble.
Keep your tentacles
in your depths and
Be
Poised
Poised you seem to be and success is your process but
Humility is my truth.
We float on
neighboring clouds of
public service
that have not the same hue.
Take a step back.
I see you mean
No harm
like a dinosaur with no arms
Good intentions.
Take a step back.
You desire to envelop others yet
You do so
so
mindlessly
I see it.
Let your brain rest from the throne.
the world does not serve you
It serves nothing
and no one as
We are all lucky.
You say that you’re lucky
For all
to hear
just to endear
And that is the problem
My dear, be poised.
Publicize your life for
documentation?
No
Take a step back.
We need your
love
compassion
independence
ambition
Real
not fake.
Transform this and
Good intentions.
The world is not yours
You walk on its leaf
and repeated, recycled
identities
Take a step back.
The world is not yours.


Cameron Bell, Copyright © 2019

i hate him
but not as much

i hate her
but not as much

i hate them
but not as much

i hate you
but not as much

i hate everyone
but not as much as

I hate my demons.

"Don't you know?
Poetry ain't my thunder today,"
I tell them.
It ain't my muse.
It doesn't fill me with sounds and suppositions and beautiful, beautiful melancholy today,
No.
No,
It hurts me.
Stabs me,
No,
Rolls me like dough in it's
maleable, hardened hands.
You
Are weak.
I
Am strong,
It says.
It snears,
A lion lurking over it's rounded and bloodied prey.
No.
Poetry ain't my friend today,
Friend.
Poetry won't save me.

Not today.

I hate realizing I forgot to take my
meds. I don’t mind taking them. I need
them to pretend I can function. And
forgetting until the next morning can
be brutal, but I get right up and start
again. But when I realize they didn’t
slide down my throat and enter my
bloodstream in the middle of the day,
or halfway through the time of night
when magic unfolds and destruction
happens, I’m reminded of something.

I’m reminded that these small, white
discs with an indent down the middle
are the only thing keeping me from
climbing the tallest building and
taking a deep breath. I’m reminded
that I’m not in control. I’m reminded
that I wouldn’t want it if I had it.


-
by Aleksander Mielnikow

I really do have nothing;
nothing but desires and lies.
It looks plain
under my skin.
I want something
like courage
to erase myself
or a magic spell
to be someone else.

to live without hate in your heart
with nothing inside to tear you apart
to speak thoughts aloud, not bound by fear
not wishing all the time you'd just disappear