I am here
And that baffles me
How much longer
Must i fake;
Must i lie like i
Love to love the love we love
Thats in love because love is a mask that never was.
I am what i am
And that baffles them
How much longer
Will i die inside
Writhing and screaming
Waiting for the world to be what it should be and end.
Like a pickup line to my sanity
Ill rip through the void;
Ill crack; burst apart eventually.
What fears ail me
So intangible yet enshrouding
Blinding me as i walk the coals
Of your speech and reverie
Is it your life im shamelessly
Crouching in the corner of?
Is it your soul im eating
Snake end to end
Unraveling and racing towards the beginning
Just to be at the end.

He once told she is all he desires
She's like a rose in field of flowers
He likes to gaze as is a hawk
His love is chained, she needs to squawk
The love he speaks to, is a peer
She hears his heart and drop a tear.
When she's coming near he gets a stroke
She fades away through the smoke
The clearance destroys his shelter
Another wish, wish to depart.
He falls and cries, seeks for love,
A needle in a haystack she's now
He breaks bad realize he is mad,
Turns to God he makes a vow.
He loved her more than he could define
Stepped into the dark he’d left behind
Whispers in the midnight are all he left to find.

Two worlds crushed and fell apart
Two different peoples, two foreign hearts
Like parallel lines they have become
Just lost people who might win some
He time traveled in his mind
But feelings of love he can't rewind
An era began, new love to breathe
His heart stood still, afraid to seethe.
A tree rise in a bushes field
New love to offer, new love to yield
As a volcano his past erupt
Two singular points his mind, his heart
His fear serve him as Cain
He is Abel fallin' an cryin'
This is the end my friend
He got a lifetime love suspend
He will never be in love again.

facing online screen
my harnessed heart hardens
        harassed collectively

my biggest fear is not to be able to write,
write for whom?
the depression is over me.
i can not trust them, false cries,
false rhymes, false sights.
if he leaves me alone,
my heart brokes,
tired of the road to love.
i just want to write a poem,
only for me and you.

Praise to fright,
Out of sight,
I hold my light.

I hold it darkness;
Others see it as bliss,
I see something’s amiss.

Praise I hate.
Bliss, leave it to fate,
And none the better to crate.

I practice low,
To hold my light amongst flow,
To gather more to not show,
For what needs to sow.

I hold my light.
I know.
I hide the blight.
They won’t know.
I hide their sight,
For fear they woe.

Difference is the fear,
The normalcy that is clear.
For the light they hate,
The darkness full they ate.
I know their bait.

For my lights timid,
And For that I hid.

Darkness stirs the nectar
Of despotisms fatal cull.
A river bleeds out the
Fatal loss of fears cut.
Burning embers fall and
Gather, as villagers once had.
Near a smoulder, the wick
Of Creation sits in darkness.
The culling hands of Power,
Fear, and Hate, have broke
Again that internal flame.
I quiver at that piercing pain;
A pain that time has carried
Forever on the souls of man.
Darkness stirs on that ever
Broken nectar, who’s rot
Wares on the one mind.
I wish to calm those storms
Within, and light that candle
Wick and send that darkness
Running far off into the eternal.

i have realized i can't stand being touched.
not after him.
i crave the warmth of another soul,
but i flinch, i shrink, dread settling in.

breaths ragged like the flowers
i once placed in his hair.
a scream claws at my throat,
i can't stand to be here.

release me from his phantom jaws,
let me force life back into my lungs.
his behavior never gave him pause,
i can't stand to see what he has brung.

i need to be held, to be warm.
to be safe and nestled by your form.
so please be patient, and never ask why
i cry when you graze my scars
with nothing but something truly kind.

STOP; Take your clothes off, it'll be okay, I swear, I'll climb on top
DROP; I don't want to get naked, I'm innocent! I refuse, please stop!
& ROLL; No one will believe you, you're too young;
And they will look at me and think "he's way too old"

STOP; Do as your told and none of this will hurt; I'll be gentle, now get on top
DROP; I don't want to be under you, I don't want to be above you, please, stop!
& ROLL; DO AS YOU'RE TOLD LITTLE GIRL, I'll treat your body like a piece of gold
None of it will hurt if you just obey! But I don't want to be on your pole!

STOP; STOP FUSSING, turn around and lay on your stomach;
Take your shorts and pull them down, if I do it, I won't stop
DROP; Why are you doing this to me?? What did I do to deserve this? PLEASE STOP!!
&ROll; I'm getting sick and tired of listening to you cry and whine,
So shut up and do as you're told!

Been through this with so many different men, I swear they're all the same
I told people, but no one listened because I was too scared to give up their names
So now, I suffer with complex ptsd, and undiagnosed adult ADHD
nightmares that wake me up and cause severe social anxiety,
Forever broken, forever wounded, never healing, forever ******* up mentally
I became an addict for the longest time because of this abuse, especially sexually
I was self harming, trying to overdose, trying to run away;
But with nowhere to run, and no one to tell,
because no one believed anything I had to say

I'm healing now but only as a recovering addict
I turned lesbian for a while and that only covered up the pain
With a woman I really didn't know who she was, pretending with a smile
Swore to myself that I was done and over anything or anyone with a ****!
But here I am, finding myself loving someone who took me away from all this
Someone who treats me like the person I deserve to be, the person I need to be
So how come I'm trapped in this mental spiral of all my wrong doings?
Of all my past relationships and all my past abusers?
They wreck havoc in my mind like the sinking titanic ship
Oh god, those nights where I just wanted to hang myself with my very own whip

STOP; Don't let anyone take control over you! SCREAM AND SHOUT STOP!!
DROP; Don't let someone tell you that it's okay, it's normal, it's fun,
KICK THEM SQUARE IN THEIR NUTS AND RUN WHILE YELLING HELP HELP HELP!!
GET THIS MAN AWAY FROM ME AND MAKE HIM STOP!!
& ROLL; NEVER ONCE AGAIN WILL I BE HUSHED, SHUSHED, OR THREATENED NOT TO TELL,
Because everything that's in the dark eventually comes to light,
and that will be the day that these stories come out and are told!!



Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025