sleep tugs at heavy limbs.
sleep tugs at heavy eyes.
sleep tugs at heavy minds.
sleep tugs at heavy hearts.
sleep calls, and you answer.

Counting candles


It’s a gloomy Tuesday as the rain falls all around.
The sound of church bells sums up the irony of this day; so down.
Another void future, a distant horizon pulls away from me.
Frozen in place; my heart is empty.


In this fragile state of mind,
I just don’t have the strength to self-hate.
I love to loathe, but what is the point?
People walk on by as I stare at my feet; I am without a choice.
Love life’s hand-break is keeping me in this state.
A heart divided; I cannot give this love away.


Romance is a stranger to my life.
Everybody is in love, it seems, to the one who cannot even try.
Last chance I took turned into a joke.
I laughed at my luck for I am a fool without hope.
I trust in the failure when I fail to trust.
I love my misery; it does not ask me for love.


I’m counting candles in a church;
So many old flames have gone out.
One day I will give up searching for love
And leave you all to be happy without me…
But that time is not yet now.


(C)2017 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

Sorry to my unknown lover


Sorry to my unknown lover.
I am so sad that you will be with another.
I am so scared of falling in love.
I am more scared of not being loved.


My head is so full up with ghosts.
You will be the one I miss the most.
I’m afraid that I have given up.
I think that I have said enough.


I must go to save you from me.
I must stay silent and set you free.
I cannot, put you through this.
I will not, put you through this.


I will stay alone and cry and die.
I will pray in another life, I am stood at your side.
I have crashed over a cliff,
Because I fell in love and it smashed me to bits.


I have already chosen why.
I have already been convinced by my own lies.
I couldn’t be there for you and stand up tall.
I can barely breathe or stand at all.


I couldn’t give you all you need.
I couldn’t stand to let you see,
The broken thoughts inside my head.
They are overflowing with regret
And every word I never said,
Sticks into me like pins and in the end,
I know I will have to walk away;
I have to go, there is no other way.


I cannot look into your eyes,
Without you seeing into mine.
I cannot hide and tell a lie;
I want to be with you, but I cannot, this time,
Or any other time in space,
Or any other way or place.
Impossible is all I know,
So I will fade and you will go
And all I will be left with is a memory,
The chance I never took and my misery.


I turn my back to protect you,
And when I turn back around, you have moved.
I see the door as it closes shut…
I’m sorry I couldn’t say…I love…


(C)2018 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

In the brash brassy light you stand,
shaky, on two feet
like a lethargic elephant

swaying---always swaying
and the light keeps blazing
and your head keeps spinning

You are beyond the point of exhaustion
there is nothing left
no trace of the self that was

If it is time to sleep
Sleep will not come
She is mad at you

you have refused her
for too long- an accident,
really- but normally

she welcomes you back
normally she is happy to
see you, and you float into her arms

not this time

so you keep swaying under that light
until crawling into bed
and the waiting begins

-------------------------------------

While the world sleeps
you turn and turn
worn from the hours
of thinking about anything
but sleep
the comforter brings no comfort
the pillow does not ease the strain
of your neck, the weight of
your head or
of that racing mind

the worst part about being awake
in the middle of the night
is that there is time
to think about all the thoughts
you pushed away before-
they creep up
and turn into waking nightmares
beastly what-ifs and why-didn’t-I’s

the insomniac is most insecure
with nothing to do

during the day you may
busy your tired body with tasks
ignoring the ache of the eyelids,
the pounding of the head

but at night you cannot
make yourself move
a house is sleeping
the world is sleeping
and you have to pretend
that you are as well

so you stare up at the ceiling
(you have memorized the cracks)
or you count and count sheep
(you have reached 100 and back)
and it’s all so pointless
don’t you see?

The Insomniac is fighting a battle
that never ends

a battle that makes you weaker everyday

how long till your body gives out
and will not fight
anymore?

cut glass
warm whiskey
and shards of my throat
scratched cd’s
looping song lyrics
and numb background noise
get used to the soft sounds
grating
get used to the pitch
ringing
when the rest of the world
   is silent
shush
hisss
please
don't wish
beds become harder
floors become softer
but it’s really all the same
my eyes are swollen
puffy, half open
all the time
all the same
windows to the soul
fogged up from too many people
rubbing and running
their hands all over
what’s not theirs to touch
and they don’t even realize
contact
brushing
absentmindedly touching
not just breaking
leaves glass
shards in my throat

Sometimes
“I'm just tired”
Means
I'm sad

Sometimes
“I'm just tired”
Means
I feel like nothing

Sometimes
“I'm just tired”
Means
I don't know

Sometimes
“I'm just tired”
Means
You wouldn’t understand

Sometimes
“I'm just tired”
Means
I want to cry but I won't

Sometimes
“I'm just tired”
Means
I just wish…

Sometimes
“I'm just tired”
Means
I want to scream

And Sometimes
“I’m just tired”
Means I’m lost
and I don't know what to do

Chaotic minds,

exhausted souls,

and mourning hearts.

A state of total oblivion.

Welcome to the nightfall.