Dear Ex-Best Friend,
Remember all the times we spent together,
everyday started with meeting before classes started because that was the only
time we could talk until lunch,
remember all the times we laughed so hard we cried?
Do you remember all the times we had to hold one another in times of the need
because we thought all we had was each other?
Yeah.. Me too.
We spent all the time in the world texting and calling each other.
Things changed a little since I got a boyfriend,
but I never replaced you.
You always had a special place in my heart, and I think you always knew that.
We drifted apart, like two boats at sea.
You switched back to the school you came from,
and it felt like my life had just sunk.
Suddenly I was all alone in the hallways,
Coming in to school was like hell,
Seeing the spot we used to stand in,
Occupied by another set of best friends,
Or maybe two high school sweethearts- Making out like there's no one around.
It was so lonely without you.
You seemed happier where you were though, and at that time, that was all that mattered to me.
I walked the hallways with a sad, sorrowful look.
Teachers frequently asked if I was sick, or if I needed to lay down.
Suddenly I was that one kid that everyone wanted to pick and beat on. (Again.)
I was incredibly lonely at school, I couldn't even sit with anyone at lunch because I was so hated by so many people for reasons I didn't even know.
Come upon my junior year I got a month and a half into the school year before
I switched to the school that you went to.
I was reunited with my best friend,
Life seemed so good.
I was with my boyfriend, and my bestfriend.
It felt like nothing could stop me from gaining happiness.

You began going through boyfriends,
They would come,

and they would go.

I was put second to all of them.
There were days I was so depressed I didn't function correctly,
and all we would talk about is what you and your boyfriend did the previous night.
I was so happy that you were happy,

but I think I forgot the definition of "Happiness."
Everyday was full of being ignored and having guys' push past me so they could hug you while I sat in the sideline just waiting there, tears filling in my eyes because I realized that I wasn't significant to my best friend any more.
I couldn't help but wonder what I did wrong.
I got tired of feeling this way,
I grew up, and realized that highschool isn't meant for gaining the love and affection of people.
I proceeded to end the friendship because it wasn't making me happy anymore.
I understand that a true friend stays there through everything but in no way, shape, or form did I deserve to be kicked to the curb like a diseased puppy.

It hurt, It hurt like a *****.


But ultimately , I'm gonna be okay in the end.

And I hope she ends up okay, too.
But, just be okay without me.

Now you're doing the things that we once did with someone else and I'm not okay with it. I told myself I'd never allow regret to seep into my mind and I still haven't but I'm feeling sad because of everything we built time and time again that I had to throw into the trash because of the things that you said and did. I hope it was worth it for you, obviously you've moved on without tears or pain while I am the one floating in the sea of disdain. You'll always be the friend I tried so hard not to give up on.

Just like the song that we sang on the top of our lungs together.    
"And just maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me".
And at the end you really did save me, you were the net to my fall.
I know I saved you as well, you use to say that you didn't feel so small.
But that's not all.

On your saddest days when there was no hope to be found.
I reminded you that I would always stick around.
I told you that you had an artist style.
That always make you smile.
But that took a while.

Although you called me your best friend.
You treated me like I was dead.
It was as if the softest silk was suddenly sand paper.
I didn't understand what you wanted me to do.
I cared the most of all the people you knew.

But when I skipped school on Monday.
Because I felt sick to my stomach thinking about it.
That very night I wrote the letter.
The letter that took until 1am because I kept crying on the paper.
The letter that broke our friendship apart.

Tuesday, April 21. Our friendship was over.
I handed you the letter and I walked away.
I regretted the moment I did so.
I wanted to walk back and say sorry.
I'm sorry, Wonderwall.

It's been over a month since we've talked.
I heard you haven't been your best.
I hope you know you can always come to me.
But you probably hate me anyways.
I hope you find peace Hayley, I'm sorry.

For a long while I forgot why I resented you
All I knew was that I did
I couldn't remember why
I just thought it was because you were literally insane
Well I for sure wasn't wrong about that
But guess what,
Now I remember
I remember what you did to me when I was 8, 9, 10 ,and 11
Sure maybe I was okay with it then
But I didn't know what was going on
And you did
You were 12, 13, 14, and 15
You knew exactly what you were doing to me
But we were both girls so no one saw any harm in it

I remember at first I thought it was normal
I thought all friends did that
But I was so freaking wrong
I thought you were just my best friend
But then I remembered
How you would force me to stay awake
So we could play "Truth or Dare"
But then I remembered
How you would threaten me
stupid empty threats like I won't be your friend anymore
But at such a young age I didn't want to lose a friend
You wonder why I hate you, why I resent you so much?
Because you did this to me
I hate you
You are the one person I hate most in this world
Maybe if you never did those things to me I wouldn't be so scared
So scared of everything
Maybe I wouldn't think like I do
Because I don't want to think like that
So I know I apologized for the rude things I have said to you
But then I remembered and realized how wrong it was
And now I will forever hate you
Don't talk to me
Don't ever talk to me
Gender has nothing to do with it being wrong or not
I bet if it never happened I would be normal
But no I'm not because of you

I walked into a room where you were
And my pride kept me from hightailing
It out of the room and running until
My legs burned with lactic acid.
You spoke to me but the words fell on dull ears.
You looked at me but I kept my walls up
Such that in my head I was invisible.
I had done so well protecting myself,
Staying away from the places you frequented,
Not spending time with the people you call friends
Even though they were my friends first.
And then today all my efforts became
Void, vain, utterly useless,
For there I was inwardly crumbling
The broken-then-stitched-back-together
Fragments of my heart
Between proverbial coldhearted fingers.
My jaw is as set as my will: like flintstone,
Cold, hard, and steeled.
You may once have had a hold on me,
Affected me, impacted me,
But today, you are nobody.

you were just a teen

but i was less than that

i was so confused on how to act

i looked at you and your long blonde hair

and somehow found myself in there.



your confusion left me feeling sure

your hand in mine, i felt secure

and I know it must’ve hurt that
all people wanted was
more more more


and-
i know you never needed anyone

after you lost your drug

but when a relationship dies, death still can’t conquer love

and love was all around you

but you purposely sought out hate

inhaled it down, held it in,

and for once, i couldn’t relate


i watched you plan your fate

through your destruction and watched you spiral

and when i went to pull you out

you let out this sickly smile

as if begging me to let you be

convincing yourself this was your destiny

as if pain in these doses was keeping you alive

who was this person i saw inside?



and all those times you attacked me with your eyes

and all those times you had me stuck in your lines

you were just ******* with our minds

cuz you enjoyed this maniacal ride



i still
would
reach for your hand

to bring you back,
it was always my plan

but with walls so thick and made of stone

to save you, i learned, i had to leave you alone.

As cliche as it may sound,
you were the other half of me,
the better half of me

I was never able to walk safely without your hand on my shoulder
I was never able to sleep at night without hearing your voice on the phone
I was never able to interact with others at school without your tiny little body standing next to me, projecting all your confidence into my being

You were my one and only best friend with your much too thin, way too short brown hair, California sun-kissed skin, and perfect three pant-sized waist

And I know this sounds as if I were in love with you in such a way that I wanted to kiss your thin lips, but it is not that at all

I wanted you, all of you, to myself and no one else, that is the truth
I was selfish and greedy and I expected all of your time
I hated who I was, I hate who I am, I needed you to make me a better person

I did not feel like a whole being without you
I do not feel like a whole person without you
And I still need you to stand me up and hold me still so that my teeth do not chatter

You bloomed sudden intelligence and drifted away from me, the smartest thing you could've ever done for yourself
You left me all alone
Without you I've fallen over
The ants and flies have scoured my body for every last bit of remaining flesh
I'm decomposing now, I will be worm food
........
At least I know I was put on this earth for a reason

****

All I do is want to hate you
But I love you more than I could ever miss him