Contradictory feelings...
The buzz is insane.
Squealing with excitement,
Although I feel ill.
You are extraordinary...
I want a closer look
I wish for better luck.
Come here, darling.
You don't have to
Hold your tongue...
I can busy it otherwise,
If you'd prefer.
I know I would.
We are so close
In distance,
But not quite there yet
Emotionally.
If I reached out to you,
Would you take my hand?
Take my hand,
Until you understand...

Clouds hang heavy over head,
Filling my heart with unbidden sadness.
Tears well in my eyes,
and the emotions there…
Turbulent,
Chaotic.
A tropical storm.

Warm and passionate,
despite the pain.
Festering slowly,
An open wound.

So i hide.
Deep within the cave i’ve created.
A safe haven from my memories.
An enclosed space where i can still watch the stars.

High above,
Reflected in open waters.
Am i closer to the Gods?
Am i closer to freedom?

Hope blooms deep beneath my veins.
So i take a breath, and skin below the waves.

The last thought before I go to bed
Is always a handfull of the same things
-how should I be feeling right now
-I hope I didn't hurt anyones feeling that didn't deserve it
-you
-the sky is nice
-so are trees
-you
-and bees
all of those things are great, but also in some way bring great pain,
almost
Like a
pure grief

It's been a day or maybe a few,
That I haven't heard from you.
It's not exactly depressing yet,
But I know I'll cry soon, and get-
Cold sweats.

It's not like you'd care,
You don't give a ****.
I'm just sort of there,
To you, I'm throwing a fit.

And you say I have no right to.
Well what did you expect me to do-
When you're telling people such hyperbole?
Your mispresentations have flustered me.

I've never met someone so treacherous.
I trusted you and you put on a display,
Which I must say was completely impetuous.
Where did you come up with such nonsense?

I guess I never meant anything to you,
I feel like I was just a fill in for others.
Others whom you actually befriended,
Or maybe they're just like me.

Discovering that you're really a bully.
An emotionally abusive person.

The change is clear.
It’s in my writing.
It’s in my words.

I have fought a battle.
One with a persistent battle.
One with darkness in its nature.

I made it.  
I made it out somewhat alive.
I made it out somewhat happy.

A suicidal mess.
Cleansed.
With love.

Love.
It’s the impossible.
For the darkened one’s to possess love.

I now see the sun rise.
I see it bring life to the dying.
I see it lift spirits after a rainstorm.

Love, has glued me back.
I hope it’s not temporary.
I hope this one lasts.

My heart clicks repeatedly
a bike chain stuck between gears
I push hard against the pedals
they resist, then release
jerking my body down onto the frame.

The purple spots sting as my
fingertips softly graze the surrounding
puffs of white
They look a lot like how I imagine
the bruises you left would, although
those don't sting
they burn into my soul,
branding your name across
every inch
of every part of me:
my ears yearn to hear your
musical voice, my eyes to see your face
when your sapphire, diamond eyes
glowed brightly as you smiled at
something stupid that I said,
back when I could feel your love
coursing through my muscles, an
electric current sparking
something to life within me, I'm left
without a word to describe it.

Now, however, that spark has ignited into
unmanageable flames, eating all
that they touch, devouring my soul in
a storm of icy heat, filling
my lungs with ash and freezing everything
into an emotionless coma that
only your touch could break

It was always cold here.

Even when the green fingers of the earth pulled themselves out
into the glowing radiance
of an afternoon sun
and from the confines of the slop of mud
     --and dust
          --and dirt
               that they were dormant in.

It was always cold here.

Even when the night was spewing of freedom and of color.
A world away from the routine that kept us
like the walking dead.
When others ran around in nothing but undergarments, I sat
     --cross legged
         --with a can in my hand
               that was supposed to help me forget the cold.

But,
It was always cold here.
And colder now that you are gone.

You killed me emotionally

I hate you!

For these bonded ties,
our lifelines of love.
Keeping us 'float
'bove the troubled waters.
Our bridge we crossed
together for each other.
In separating truly
the oceans are skies.
No long am I floating among the stars
but falling and drowning in this sloshing heir.
It seems my kingdom come
has fallen in the future.
A future different
than we live now

My course once steady
as I tagged along with you
now goes with the flow
unknown to me.
The pattern of these stars
foreign to me.
My eyes deceived,
blinded to sea.
Sealed my fate to be,

Unable to follow
where you may go.
Lest you deny me so.
No waves to tell me
where
your waters flow.
This stagnant water
reeking of the innocent blood.
Never leaving.
The wind beneath my bloodied sail, has left me 'neath it's silent veil.
No longer does it sing your lullaby to me. All that's left is the ghostly lull.
A bye.