It's said that the longer you try to keep something away, the deeper it's impression has on you. I fell even harder this time. I wasn't sure if this was love or guilt, it kept me at bay - it felt the same.

The first day i ever loved her, must have been or perhaps should have been the day i cherish the most; instead, it became the day that trips me over and shoves me deep into a pit of sorrow and guilt. I can't seem to get out of it. I hurt the only love of my life.

Call me depressed, maniac or just a socially awkward ****, it doesn't matter, the day i made her cry all over again, caused her pain - I became all of it.

Not only did I deprive her of all the happiness and laughter she deserved, but I also filled her with doubt, distress and hatred. I birthed Pain which cripled me with anxiety and hopelessness. As a parent it should have been my duty to look after her, but my anguished soul abandoned her. I didn't dare think about how it must have terrorised her, yet when I look at her, seeking mercy, I see her pretty face, scarred by my pathetic self: laughing, hiding too much behind that pretty smile.

If only I could make her happy. If only I could look after her without fragmenting her soul even more.

I’m all out of tears
They’ve dried through the years
I thought they were a sign of weakness
Yet I continue to portray my meekness
In surrender, I close my eyes to pray
Even still the end may never go my way
Pain and loneliness overflow within me
If you hand me a rope, I’d gladly find a tree
The sound of distress breaks through my emptiness
There is no other topic I feel compelled to address

He was tired of his whole life
Every breath he took killed him at a time
And each of it felt like a debt on his life,
In the darkness he followed the only source of light,
In the way he collided with himself whom he had lost in a while,
Talked with him for the whole long night,and
Listened that One must strive to find his own voice,
We are not kite that just moves when someone guide,
We need to find a way inside
that connects our heart to the world outside,
Be a maverick and sail against the tide,
Hold your ground and Dont carry the burden of lie,
Nobody should hinder his life just by working to survive
Never deny the passion of your life,
one must not disguise by following other's intent of life,
And the longer you will wait to rise, the far it  would go from your sight.

I left your letters in tatters,
but do not distress.
Your every word
burned my eyes,
like a bedroom wall
too close to candlelight.
They will survive,
a life living on
well after your demise.

-
by Aleksander Mielnikow | Alek the Poet

What am I to love
About my being
If you aren’t there
To provide
My needed support?

Shall I just continue
And try to love
In this void
that bleeds me,
Leaving me
Cracked and empty?

Or shall I cease as well,
And have you by my side in hell?

Why can I not accept the hand
that you hold out so readily
when I am descending into a black void,
taking with it my incentive to go on?

Why is it I will fight with you,
push you away, and make you feel
as if I no longer want you to stand by my side
when truthfully I want nothing more than for you to stay?

Why, when I am all alone
and I'm longing to reach out
I stop, dead in my tracks to scared
for the rejection I have received too many times?

Why is it that I can lend myself to you
in your times of need so willingly,
knowing the benefits of having someone there,
but I cannot accept this help myself?

Is there something wrong with me,
or is the painful, blackness
just too enticing to some people...
some people like me?

Why do I push everything away
I can no longer keep this at bay
Pushing everyone out from my life
This torment of never feeling right

These shackles bringing me to my knees
I’ve built this prison and buried the key
If this was love it shouldn’t be killing me
Release me from the weight of this gravity

Awaken each day with a burning, aching pain within my chest, made from veins, bone and ******* flesh
What a sight to behold
As I watch this anguish unfold
Such a terrible mess
This is distress, at its best
Prisoner to this phobia
Confined to this hysteria
Walking alone fearing my own shadow
Never to know who i’ll become tomorrow

These shackles bringing me to my knees
I’ve built this prison and buried the key

Particles of mist fill the air
Looking through that painstaking glass
It’s me I see from the reflection on the flask
The sun rises as does my mask
Putting it all away, that underlying pain
Hidden away by a laugh and smile, no worry it’s only for a while

The horrors that surround me continues to unfold
“It’ll get better” is what I’m told
No one questions if it doesn’t
Leave me dead and bludgeoned

Numbing the pain through scarring limbs
Darkness grows near, the light becoming dim
My hope constantly wearing thin
When will I find pleasure ever again
The spite in myself is more than hate
Death has always been my fate

If this was love it shouldn’t be killing me
Release me from the weight of this gravity

I won’t waste your time with what goes on in my mind, because I’m slowly forgetting.
Forgetting everything one day at a time
Everyday feels the same, why do things have to be this way, a feeling of happiness never to be regained

Eyes have become hollow sockets
Lungs nothing more than air pockets
Heart empty filled with despair
Mind left with too much to bear

Overwhelming torture and discourse
Drowning every guilt with remorse
Nothing but bitterness and disgust
There’s no faith left to trust

I used to tell myself that I would never become someone else
But I should have told myself
I was going to be somebody

This world seemed so quiet when you were here
Now surrounded by static and noise
So again I find myself swimming to the bottom of the bottle just to block out all sound
Who have I become this time around

driving past the
dead grass
against the grey clouds
my heart turns to metal and
my lungs begin to deflate
as
i get farther from you
i feel the sick start to continue
without your scent to fill my head
and
with out your eyes to steal my dread
i become a boulder
rolling down a steep hill
to be a boulder is treacherous
i hit the small rocks
that
wreck my exterior
breaking off clumps
im losing pieces of myself again

its a mystery
of how you wrap me whole
of how you give me worth

my throat burns
from holding in the sobs

im electrified
when im given your attention
my metal heart melts and
becomes warm
while my lungs inflate with
what smells of sweet cedarwood
and sweat
your skin is hot against mine
and i love the tickle of your body hair
the moments where you squeeze me
are when
my entire being is awoken
shocks of energy
convulse my nerves
and i feel alive
you are my sun
because
without your warming rays
and without your light
i am left cold and blind