Soft pillow cases
Engulf my skull
like a magical
marshmallowy surprise
taking away
my sub-concious
every second
e
v
  e
   r
    y
s
e
  c
   o
     n      
                d

I'm still awake!
daydreaming of daydreams
wandering thoughts
inside-out
Jibbing jabber
Clattering matter
faster faster faster!!

f
i
  n
    d
     i
  n
g

zzzzzzzzzzz.........

One, two, three
What do you see?

I'll fall asleep

Eventually.......

Anxiety hits me like a brick to the face.
I see it coming, and I try to get out of the way of it, but I'm too frozen in fear to actually avoid it. Other times, I can't see it coming, but the idea of being hit with a brick to the face is still just as
shocking, constantly on my mind, and just as lethal. Either way, the impact comes on strong and sometimes without warning, leaving me dazed and scared, wondering when the next one will come at me.

Anxiety sometimes feels like tons of bricks sitting on my chest. No matter how much I plea and cry, the soffocating feeling won't go away.
Anxiety often leaves my finger tips numb and my vision blurred.
Anxiety makes my head spin and my breath short. Sometimes, the worst part is losing control. It leaves me a stranger to my own body.

Sometimes, all I can do is pick those bricks up, and build a wall. Hopefully then, I won't get hurt anymore. Maybe then, others won't see me in my most vulnerable of ways. This is all I can do for myself. Every time I get hit with a brick to the face.

hate to *****.
can’t stand the protest
of an upset stomach, the heave
of bile and undigested food,
the carve of acid in the esophagus.
okay, i don’t like that part much myself.
but i do like the cool porcelain on
my face, the solid of tile beneath
my ****. most of all, i like my belly
emptied, even temporarily,
of food.
of fat.
of pain.

Thinking back, it makes a lot of sense...
The well-hidden rage.
Minor outbursts here and there.
The silent plea for help.
Drowned furth by the shower head.
Spurting cold, cold water.

The numbness that comes afterward.
The beating of a heart calming down.
Echoing in your head.

It comes in waves, ya know?
They're not always soft,
Against the shoreline of your inner mind.
Instead, pounding sharp and icy,
Jagged rock and coarse sand under your palm.

Other times it catches you in your sleep.
Completely unaware.
Sometimes mid-sentence.
Your mouth left half open.
Eyes faded into the black tunnel,
Where all words seem to have disappeared into.

Brows furrow in confusion and loss.
Bam!
Sudden tears spring forth like a broken faucet.
There was no trigger this time.
Nothin to push you over the edge.
And yet...

The screaming doesn't help.
The rage building in the pit of your belly.
Stoking an agonizingly acidic fire.
Which spreads like a virus into your veins.
Vibrating under your skin.

Hyper-aware now.
Thoughts fluctuating so quickly your mind spins.
Unable to catch words, phrases.
So fast they sound like another's voice.
Right in your ******* ear.
Another itch altogether.

Options, throw the good crystal across the room.
Pray your mother forgives you from the grave.
Knock a chair over.
Pull your hair.
Grab the largest kitchen knife.
Blood staining caramel skin.
Unmarred in years.
The old ones faded with time.
But you can still see them.
Drip. Drip. Drip.

You close your eyes against these visions.
Breath.
Calm.
Continue.

"Don't forget to take your meds tonight."
You tell your reflection.
She nods trembling.
"Okay.

Pay Attention!

Who would name their child, "Attention?"

Attention works in the ticket booth

Five cents per entry

Surprise of the Century!

It's crazy inside!

So, Pay Attention

if you want to take a ride.

ADHD

from this you can't hide.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Methylphenidate

is great!

.

.

.

.

I licked you cautiously with precision
Licked until your sharp edges were round and soft
Indulged in that millisecond, I let my mind wander off to the imagination of licking and actually swallowing you
Sweet imaginary drops of melted sticky sugary matter were dripping down my esophagus
You were dancing in my throat like a delicate ballerina
Tiptoeing, Floating.

Then reality hit in again and my tongue drawed back like it just touched a hot range
My esophagus felt clogged. Your pungent taste was burning holes into my throat-
So I used my fingers like a plunger to **** you out again.

I purged dark matter all over the white bathroom tiles
Tried to extinguish salty burning tears with stomach acid
You smelled sweet and savory at the same time.

I’m sorry for drowning the rest of you in the toilet.
But they say “nothing good ever lasts long enough” for a reason.
You see, love is a battlefield and I’m Napoleon.

is it normal
to stand in my bathroom
for ten minutes
at 2:20 a.m.
pepper spray in hand
door locked
listening for footsteps
waiting for my breathing
to become less ragged
so i can run into my bedroom
check my closet
and under my bed
for monsters that only
come from my head?

is it normal to stare into the mirror
crying
wondering if that's really you in it
because you don't recognize
your own reflection
after checking behind
the shower curtain at least four times?
there's a reason i never want
to live alone.

is it normal that
even when i am alone
it fees like i am being watched
cameras, mirrors, windows of houses and people on the street.
they're waiting to laugh at me
or ****** me
or kidnap me
or stare at me
the list goes on.

everyone is out to get me
which i know isn't true
but that doesn't make
the feeling
go away.