maledimiele Feb 3
These days I am amazed
How this tiny apartment
Suddenly contains so much space
Vast, like an ocean
I am drowning in endless spheres

I am thinking about how we didn’t even fit a couch into it
How you threw away your old shoes
How I buried mine under pillars of clothes in the cellar
How the walls hugged us at night
How our hopes and dreams tried to escape the window
How we didn’t let them
How we wanted to adopt a cat so badly
How we were afraid the walls would swallow it

But this morning I woke up,
Sheets like a large blanket of snow
A heavy silence weighing me down
So much air but so little breath

I barely saw the end of the room
Just a dark tunnel where there is no light at the end or anything at all
Just me and is ridiculously large space
Suffocating me with its infinity

I recovered your stuff from the cellar
Hung your pictures on the wall again
Even put up that ugly shelf you used to love

But no matter how hard I tried to fill the room
The floor just soaked in everything
And there was only so much space
maledimiele Nov 2017
The hole in my heart is only as deep as the void it contains
The void which is full of your absence and full of my emptiness
I wish you could carry it for me just for one day
Lift the weight off my shoulders
And put it in your pockets
Take out the emptiness
And fill it with only air
Breathe me in, absorb my grief, exhale the toxins
Isn’t that how the body works?
Pour out my tears
I will donate a pool to you
Suck out my sorrows,
I assure you, I can live without.
Carry my heart and teach it a lesson in healing,
That’s what you’ve promised anyway.
Shape the edges, draw circles, switch on the light.
And when you’re done I’ll willingly take back that heart
And transplant it back into my chest voluntarily.
But as for now I’m lacking space.
maledimiele Nov 2017
Trigger Warning you scream before pulling the trigger
Trigger Warning, again, you scream
And I can only wonder
When is a warning a warning?
maledimiele Nov 2017
Whenever you’re ready
To get up, to leave.
Whenever you’re ready
To close the door, to miss the train.
Whenever you want,
I’ll leave a window open for you
that – if you want
You can step outside, into the night
First one step, then another.
You, leaving my apartment,
without me even recognizing,
while I’am asleep.
A gentle breeze
I barely notice
Then you’re gone.
I surrender!
maledimiele May 2017
I’ve started a journal, about things that made me happy today, when really it should be things that kept me from killing myself today.

So I think about why today is not the day, on which I should end my being here, why today is not the day my light will be switched off.
I think about the advantages of not existing. On how easy everything would be. I wouldn’t have to get out of bed every morning, in fact I’d NEVER have to get up ever again. I could just lie there, not even making an effort to breathe – because what difference would it make?

I could spent my time just being nothing, feeling nothing, drowning in air and thoughtlessness for the sole purpose of wasting my time in a place where no time exists. I imagine my head just cooling down, like a laptop shut off after using it for a long time. I can almost feel the heat leaving my body, leaving my brain. I can feel my body getting cold and stiff and how my muscles just let go. They wouldn’t even try. No spasms or anything. They’d just drop to the ground in total exhaustion, thankful for not having to function anymore. My eyes closing, my mind in peace. No darkness or bad feelings, just a void. Floating into a vast nothingness.

It’s a nice thought. So, what is it that keeps me from giving in?

I don’t know. I don’t know why my body or better yet my mind keeps me alive, refusing to enter the state of total stiffness. Maybe there’s still movement, somewhere. Maybe it is because today I saw a grey cat which didn’t run away when I tried to touch her. Maybe it was because she had very soft fur and she purred and she gave me a blink with her eye when I looked at her. Maybe it was because I’ve catched the last train without running, even if I was already late. Maybe it was because the weather forecast predicted heavy rain in the afternoon but the sun just stayed all day.

I don’t know what makes my heart pumping blood day after day, what makes my lungs breathe second by second. I don’t know how this body works, but as for now, I think there must be reason.
maledimiele May 2017
I swallowed fire
Hoping it would burn me from within
I was screaming in pain
But when I tried to hold back the tears
The flames just drowned inside my eyes
And I could feel nothing again
And I don’t know what’s worse
maledimiele Mar 2017
You once told me that 16.6  percent
is the risk of firing a bullet into your head
when playing Russian Roulette.

And I wonder,
Does that make you a 16.6 percent suicidal?
I never knew you were a gambler,
And I wonder,
how much risk are you willing to take?

What will it look like,
when you’re holding that gun against your forehead?
What will your brain think,
that one millisecond before the fire hits you?
What will your tiny heart feel,
right before the bullet smashes your head into pieces?

Will you be counting your debts?
Will you ask for just one more chance?

But let me ask you-
What happens when the fire hits you
and you haven’t decided yet?
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